Reflections on ageing, sickness and death

I remember when we first moved into our new home. It was beautiful. Walls had fresh paint. Wood was shining and without scratches. All appliances were brand new and never been used. Carpets were all fluffy. It had that fresh smell. It was new and wonderful. We've lived here for five years now and you can see the deterioration. While you may say a five year old house is still pretty new...I see it. The carpets are worn, ever so slightly. Appliances used. Wooden floors have scratches from the cat running around. We've had to repair a thing or two in the house. It's no longer new. 

I feel the same about my body. In fact I was meditating when I realized that my body is the house for the mind. That house is now 43 years old. Can't believe it? Where did the time go? Or how did the time go? My childhood, youth are mere memories. Some are captured in pictures but most aren't. I feel the ageing process in the body. More aches and pains. Lines starting to appear. Hair growing white. It's no longer new. 

Isn't it funny? Sometimes I feel it's a joke. 

We are born, then raised by our parents, we struggle the first few years learning to walk and talk. Then we go to school for about 10 years, acquiring new knowledge, a language or two, skills and then trying to pass exams so we can prove to the world and ourselves that we are good at it and have the good authority to move onto bigger and better things. Some of us might go to college. I certainly did. Some of us do even more schooling for more qualifications or a masters or a PhD. Then we find, hopefully, some meaningful work, fall in love, get married, have kids and grow old to only die and leave all that behind. 

My grandparents died when I was a teenager. Apart from knowing that they died I did not, at that time, had the power to reflect on the significance of these events. One of my uncles who was around 50 also died. It was the first death of a close family member. I remember feeling so very sad and breaking down in tears. But these events happened and I moved on. I wasn't able to reflect and understand the meaning it was trying to teach me, then. I sometimes wish I had but then again I may have been to young and immature for it. But now I am able to.

My parents are in their 70s now. They are old and now I am able to reflect on this process of life, living and dying. I am at the age my mom was when I was about 14 years of age. I remember her well. A memory of course. She had had my brother 3 years previously. Sometimes I wonder if she reflected about her own brothers death, or that of her parents. I don't think so. She says this is life and while these sad events, they happen to all and you just have to keep going.

Part of me agrees with her. But part of me doesn't. I realize these things happen. But for me, now I feel, there is much to be seen and understood and reflected upon. 

When I look at my parents I now feel the ageing process within me. It's been churning ever since I was born. But like my house, it (my body) was brand new and shiny. So the newness lingered. But like my five year old house, my body no longer has that newness. It feels used. There are the scratches. Damaged parts, that require some external intervention in order for it to be put back together. A couple of years back my father-in-law died. It was not an expected death, at least at the time he died. I will die soon just like he did. He was sick but died of other causes. Perhaps the things that my body give me grief, won't be the ones that kill me. I don't know. But I know I am sick more than I was before. Death does not seem too far off for me.

Some day I will have to leave this house. Just as I will have to leave my body. It's a temporary dwelling. Even if you live in the same house for 40-50 years there comes a time when you have to go. Either because the house is falling apart or because you are no longer alive. I see the same with my body. I will have to leave it. Either because it is no longer viable for occupancy or because my life span is completed. Either way it's only a matter of time. 

Hasn't that been the case all of my life? Even when I was young, the mere youth and it's activities, simply distracted me from seeing this truth/inevitability every step of the way. When I ask my mother about these things, she says she didn't have the time to sit and think. She thinks I am not busy enough and that it why I am thinking about these things. Perhaps she is right. I mean I don't have much responsibilities to occupy me. So I have time to look and reflect and ponder. Would I want to be distracted? No I don't. I'd rather reflect on these truths. 

They are hard truths to consider and bring into the realm of acceptance. I don't want to wait precious hours, days and years in order to do that. For that time may not arrive. One of my uncles died of cancer and the latter part of his life, he was scared and sad. I don't know about what. But I know he didn't come to terms with his sickness or death. Now I have an uncle who is 85 years old and bed ridden. I will see him soon. It will be a good time for reflection too. I used to work as a hospice patient visit volunteer. Since the death of my father in law I stopped cause I just could not handle it. But I met many people relatively young and some very old, who were dying. It was one of the most humbling and profound experiences I've had. 

So I no longer can distract myself long enough to forget these realities of life. They are very real. They always were. It just took me about 38 years to even get to point of looking at them. The journey is not easy. It pains me to reflect on them. Sometimes it's frightening. But what choice do I have? 

My body is a daily, sometimes minute by minute, reminder of the deterioration process. It's hard to ignore. Perhaps if I had better health and less pain perhaps I may not be so prone to reflecting so much. But I cannot run away from my body, and nor do I want to anymore. I think it's here to teach me a vital lesson and I am trying to learn it. 

The Dhamma says the body it a mere construct of conditions that are constantly arising and ceasing away. It is not mine to be held on to with pride. It is not mine to be controlled as I deem fit. It will rise and die according to it's own trajectory. While I don't understand the true profundity of this, I to some degree see that I have little control over the body. I cannot make it be the way I want it to. I cannot make my hair blacks again (unless I color but that lasts about 4 weeks before i see the greys again), I cannot make my pain disappear, I cannot get well no matter how crippling my sickness maybe, I cannot make myself look like that 20 some year old I once was (nor do I want to). But we live in a world that puts so much emphasis and hoopla on these outwardly things. Social media is a beast that way. Things are always aligned for us to be distracted from these truths. If they are not then we do it to ourselves.

Its a shame. Our lives are so short. Its like a candle in the wind. We don't know when the next gust will blow it out. But for some reason we live with such certainty. Sometimes I look at people and wonder how they do it? I don't think I have that anymore. It used to be frightening. Feeling like the ground beneath you was about to shift any moment. But over the last couple of years that feeling has become less frightening and has less of a hold on me. In some ways it's freeing. I guess there is a mix of it all right now.

Anyways, that's it for now. I really don't even know what I was trying to write here but I knew I had to write about the process and what and how I felt about it. 

This too Shall Pass

It's an old saying. I have heard it many a times and the story behind it. I am not going to relate the story here in the blog. But instead I am going to use my own experiences from my emotional world to illustrated how I have come to understand the meaning behind it. It's a powerful tool of letting go. It is also a core teaching of the Buddha. We call is "Anicca"....changing nature of things, physical and mental. 

I am not a person to whom letting go comes easily. I tend to hang on to things. Especially the negative things. I am now referring to the emotional world. Anger, hatred are two things that I love to dwell on and relish. I don't know why. I think it's a habit pattern. But this is what I love to do. Don't get me wrong I love good things but there is a part of me that takes this slippery road over and over again. 

It hurt me for many years. But at the begging it felt electrifying. I was energized by the power of anger and hatred. It felt good to hang on to it. Fortunately for me it lasted long enough to really hurt me. I say 'fortunately' because it is the very thing that taught me to embrace letting go. Because at first I had to. I was hurting too much to hold on to it anymore without being totally consumed by it. And somewhere inside me I didn't want to be consumed. Even though letting go was hard, being consumed by the power of anger felt far worse. Fundamentally I felt I was turning to the dark side and I was scared of it. I need to feel the light so I had to let go. 

I kept doing this even when I didn't want to, even parts of me felt like I was breaking apart. For some reason, even though I felt like I was coming apart in letting go, once I fully did let go, the feeling I felt was incredible. It felt free, light and bright. MY heart was at peace. That feeling of goodness became more and more powerful inside me that it's hard to hold on to bad much longer anymore. I still don't feel like I have crossed that threshold (whatever that it is) but I now i will get there where there will be that turning point. 

So what is it that I do? To me that's most important. IF someone says something is good then I want to know how to do it. Over the years these have been my experiences.

So at first, it was sheer determination because I believed in the Dhamma and my wonderful teachers. I was lucky that I was able to associate wise people like Ajhan Vayama and Ajahn Brahm and hear direct teachings from them. I also read teachings from wise monks like Ajahn Chah and Ayya Khema. What they said felt right and good and powerful. So in the midst of my despair I decided to listen to them and do exactly what they said I ought to do. I must say it wasn't easy. I was also not able to do many of the things they said. But I learnt to forgive myself, allow myself time and space. I learnt to allow myself to make mistakes and not make me perfect and the things I did perfect to meet any standards, especially my own. This freed me. It gave my the space to change and mold myself gradually over time. I think that was the most important lessons I learned. 

In that I didn't have to be frustrated by being negative or angry or having hateful thoughts. I didn't have to forget them. I didn't have to punish myself for having bad thoughts. I learn to embrace that part of me which I think I didn't like. I learnt to like it and love it. In some ways it was a like misbehaving child. Sometimes being kind to them makes more difference than punishing them right? Punishment might make them do things while you are there but what about when you are not? They may also learn to hide and lie. I don't think any parent want that for their child. So I didn't want it inside me. 

As this was happening, it got easier for me within myself. I wasn't scared or ashamed of my own thoughts. As I learnt to watch them, become familiar with them, they started having a less of a control on me. I saw that they didn't last as long. It all came and went away at some point. I wasn't worried about timelines. I just knew at some point they will go away and that make me feel good and put me at ease. It's was that feeling that I started grabbing hold of more and more as time went by. I think I started putting more emphasis on the good that the bad started losing it's control (at least the death grip it had on me).

So when I hear this too shall pass, it makes me happy. Cause I know I will be happier with time. It's like a storm. You cannot make the storm go away but you can take shelter and wait for it to pass. 

Now I do the same with the good. It's easy now for me to hold on to the goodness. It's going to pass at some point or another. 

I think nowadays I am like a seesaw. I can see myself going up and down so many times in a matter of hours. Not even days. Go from high to low. Low to high and back again. It incredible. You might think that sounds crazy but I think not knowing it is far crazier. So it's a saying that I hold dear to my heart. It also makes my life easier. I don't feel like I have to take things so seriously all the time. I feel like I can let things be and not have to control them all the time. Cause things have a way of coming and disappearing. I don't have to take action all the time. It makes life easier and brings a sense of peace to me. 

I hope it does to you as well.

Simplicity

Today I put up a post where Winnie the poo is having a dialogue with Piglet. The conversation goes, "What day is it?", Piglet says "It's today", to which Poo says, "My favorite day." I had posted this a few years back on FB and it popped up today and I re-posted saying "Ahh...beauty of simplicity". One of my friends made a comment. She said "how and why did our lives get so complicated?"

That made me think. It was a valid question and I did answer it in short. But I wanted to blog about it cause it lingered in my mind. I do believe things have become complicated, from the time I was a child to now. It's not just becausee I am older but the times have changed. But does that necessarily have to be complicated? I don't think so.

I think part of our complications stem from excessive need to have and to control. I think for most of us it's not even something to be questioned. We are raised to want and to control, to put it bluntly. I mean when we are young, we need to grow up, look good, get a good education, have a career, get married, have a family, a house, car and nice vacations and the list goes on and on. So we are taught to want. Then when things don't go the way we want them to, we are required to find a way to bring them back to alignment with what we want. If our grades are not good, we get a tutor. If our school is not good we go to a new school. If we don't look good, we put make up or get constructive surgery. If we don't like our partners we find new ones and on and on and on...so we are asked to and trained to maneuver variables so that we can get what we want. But does it always work like that? 

Not really.

I was once such a person. I had plans and goals. I was determined to achieve them. Most of my goals and plans were around getting a very good education, getting a high paying job that would allow me to rise through the ranks well enough to earn lots of money. A house...not a husband but a house where I can live luxuriously. And the ability to travel and spend time doing what I'd like to in my spare time. It was ambitious. I don't think I started out in those exact terms but as I moved on in my life that's how it took shape. I was energized, motivated and felt fully in control. It was a good feeling to have. When it wasn't like that I was in total despair. My mothers has those stories where when things didn't go my way, how frustrated and angered I was. I remember some of it but forgotten most.

But it didn't last for much long. In the first few years of my thirties it all came to a gradual stop. I was incredibly sad and frustrated yet again. All the planning and controlling to make things better didn't work life that any more. Partly it was because I couldn't make plans anymore. Most things that felt out of place were within my  own heart. I was good at pushing and shoving things outside of me to get what I wanted. But there came a time, I couldn't do that anymore. I don't think I was less skilled. But somehow I was not able to. That caused me to swell up, in anger, frustration, sadness. None of those feelings I could control and move around to make myself feel better. I think I exploded within myself many a times. I was barely able to hang in.

But with time things started to change. Partly because I was able to learn to handle my emotional world a little bit better. As my emotional world started to spin a little less fast, things started to settle and a new horizon appeared. 

In it was much more light and ease. I had little plans now, and goals to achieve. No set timelines whatsoever. In fact it was like a free fall. Quite nice. I think I am still in it. Now I refuse to make things complicated for myself. I am very aware of my emotional world. It's the start of all complications. It's hard to notice for most of us unless it's fully charged. But I have had lost of time for myself to slow down and with that allow myself a glimpse of the early starts of my emotions. Now when I feel the itch, I know to look at it directly. Instead of launching myself into a crazy scratching frenzy, I can be with it until the urge it manageable. I am using it as an analogy for emotions. So I catch myself early enough (not at all times but good enough), so that I don't act and speak on it. It's the outcomes of our complicated emotional world that leads to complications outside. Then it's like a chain reaction. You are always chasing the tail and there is not end to it.

So simplicity is a choice. It's not a privilege that some of us have as a result of money, power or status or lack of it. It's a simple choice. What do we want? and what are we willing to sacrifice for it? That equations goes in both directions. If what I want is going to sacrifice my peace of mind, time for quiet contemplation or if it leads to restlessness, crazy planning then I go back to what I want and adjust my needs. It's as simple as that. We cannot ask for simplicity by asking for everything we crave for. It's like asking to lose weight and also wanting to eat sugary food everyday and not exercise. It just won't happen. It's the same with life.

We need to adjust somewhere. Either we adjust at the want level or we adjust at the outcome level. Either way we will have to change quite a number of deeply rooted beliefs in our lives. It's those beliefs that drive us to lose simplicity. 

So if you want simplicity, look at what you want. Also look at what it will have as outcomes. Not just the good but also the bad. Look and investigate both. Then make a choice. If your choice leads to complications then you might have to go back and adjust your wants/needs. Unfortunately life doesn't always allow us to go back and fine tune things. But it teaches us a forward lesson. Then we can use that to understand our wants/needs in the future. It has to come from a clear and understood experience otherwise you will follow the same old pattern and end up with more complications.

But what I wanted to stress it that simplicity of life is a choice. We have many choices at any given point in time. We need to be fully aware and honest about why and how we chose them and what the outcomes are. At least that's what I have learnt up to now. 

Cartoons and the moving mind

In the Dhamma, the mind is said to be forever moving. It's only when it's absorbed in Samadhi or Jhana that it stays still to see what's going in in there. Otherwise there is too much movement that we cannot see what's in it. The Buddha compared it to a lake with many ripples. It's hard to see the bottom of the lake when it's moving but when it's still you can get to see the bottom. I remember this analogy from an earlier time when I was visiting Jasper. We got up early to go kayaking in one of the lakes and it was so still that you can see the very bottom of the lake. But the next day it was windy and the waves were constant that it was hard to see what's on the bottom.

Also this movement in the mind makes it look as if it is continuous. That feeling of continuity leads us to believe there is something constant or permanent. I kind of got a feeling a few days ago about it. The first thought that came to my mind is cartoon movies. I love cartoons movies. I used to watch disney all the time and may others. I remember watching a documentary about how cartons films are made. It takes thousands of drawings to make one single movement. Then they move it along so fast that when we see it, it's mickey raising it's hand. But we see as one single movement, not thousands of drawings put together. It's fascinating but also unless you know what's happening you really don't know the amount of work, effort and time it takes to create one single film. 

I realized that in some ways out mind works the same. One single thought it created of many thousands of small ones coming together so fast that we only notice the thought. That is if we are very mindful and trained at noticing our thoughts. Usually we only feel our moods and impulses to do and not to do something. Some of us only notice the words that come out of our mouth and and the physical actions we take. But what brings them about remain elusive for most of us for most of our lives. 

To understand why we do what we do and say the things we say, we need to notice our moods, our thoughts as much as we are able. But because we are constantly engaged with the world in doing something or the other, we really don't have time to notice it. Even if we do, we may see it's here and there but not the individual components that contribute to them.

Our deep seeded intentions, at least from what I understand, are very deep and for the most part want to say deep and hidden. I think partly because we want to have a belief that what we see is real and who we are with is real and what I am is real. If not it might become paralyzing. Or might it? 

How would it be to see my body and mind as a cartoon film. Made of of individual drawings, one seemingly different from another but not quite. And that the whole picture we see is a result of these different but similar drawings, nicely aligned and moving so fast that it makes us feel and believe that there is a body and a mind that is solid and real?

This is what came to my mind two mornings ago as I was sitting for meditation. It was a day where my mind was everywhere at the same time. At least it felt like it. So I resolved to just questioning why? and seeing how fast one thought moved to another but I couldn't' really see how it got from point A to Z. It was then the cartoon film came to my mind. As it happened, at least at that time, it made perfect sense. I felt I calming as soon as that happened. So I allowed myself to think on those lines. That's when all the things I wrote about came out.

But that does not mean I can see the bottom of my mind. I cannot. But it was interesting to see it this way. I was amazed and it made sense to me. It somehow brought together the Buddha's teachings and it's truth. I have been wanting to write it since in case I forgot. But luckily I haven't and I have thought about it many times since. So here I am writing it down finally. 

Patient Endurance

My father had surgery yet again today. Last few weeks leading up to it has been tough for me. Partly because of all the turbulence among family members around the whole illness and the other from the awful state of mind of my mother. It been like that for many months in some form or the other. I feel hurt, wounded, let down, disappointed and even down right angry over the incidents. I don't have answers to my questions and the restlessness I feel at times. I wish I could talk to someone who can help me guide my thoughts or shine some clarity on them. 

So a few days ago I was browsing my book collection from Dhamma teachers and I felt like reading a book by Ajahn Anan. It was a small book so I knew I was going to be diligent about reading it. Anything was good. As I read through the first few pages, I felt a sense of relief. If nothing else it has made my incessant thoughts stop in their tracks from time to time and that is a tremendous relief. Sometimes I feel such gratitude for these teachers who have left their teachings published so that people like me from time to time can find some mental comfort and clarity.

The phrase "patient endurance" was in one of the early chapters. Apparently according to the Buddha the only incinerator of defilements is patient endurance. The moment I saw it I knew it. I even recalled hearing about it. I also noted that Ajahn Brahm says the same thing all the time using different words. Defilements are unwholesome thoughts, which if not taken care of, lead to unwholesome words and actions. Patient endurance is staying through with these defilements until such time they leave you. One might wonder why patiently wait through something that's negative. Why not get rid of it? or find a distraction or even try to forget? I mean if they are not good it should be easy to do, right? Well wrong!

It's not that easy. This is my practice and personally for me getting rid of unwholesome thoughts are not easy. In fact I know through experience, it's like putting fuel into fire. Most of my negative thoughts are based in anger. So "getting rid of" is done with dislike, resentment, with aggression. So it plays right into the hands of my anger. The more I try to rid of it the worse it gets. Forgetting is impossible. It like having a scratch on your bum and you sit hoping it will go away. A joke! Finding a distraction is possible but only for a while. It buys time but then it comes back again. 

So to me patient endurance makes sense. In fact it's something I do and succeed at times. When that happens, and I actually see through something come and go in my head, it brings about tremendous, lasting relief. But it's not easy. It's not something that comes to me naturally. I have had to train myself even to get to this point and even then I find myself at a loss. It was like that during the last week or so. 

But I get what the Buddha said. But doing it and putting it into actual practice when your mind is having a hurricane is hard. 

I feels it like a storm. When a storm starts, you cannot stop it. Last year the Caribbean islands has this massive hurricane. I remember watching it's path/trajectory. It was unstoppable. Except land of course which reduced it's strength but the moment it hit warm waters it gathered speed again. So it churned like that for about a week I think creating tremendous havoc. These angry, negative thoughts are like that at times. It just comes, gathers momentum and boy does it leave a disaster or what. Luckily I am someone who very diligently observe my precepts and watches my moods. So the harm it does with actions and words is much less but inside my heart I feel torn apart.  

Fortunately when a hurricane hits, you get warnings and one can move away or move to a better shelter if you are not on high grounds or in solid buildings. But when the hurricanes of the mind hit, you have no where to run. Cause the storm is happening inside you. It's so frustrating. The only shelter I find in my heart during these times are the teachings. That's why I was hoping I could talk to a spiritual guide. But you cannot find a suitable person to talk to at your wish. So then I turn to talks and books. I don't look for other things outside of the teachings because I know and trust these teachings and they have brought me great comfort and relief over the years through some of my most difficult times. It's works the best for me, even better than talking to a friend. Talking to my husband helps cause he understands where I'm coming from and he too gets the teachings. 

So patient endurance it like having a solid building on high ground to take shelter when hurricanes of the mind hits you. But my patient endurance isn't that strong and not yet on high enough grounds. So I get wet, water seeps in, it gets cold and dark in my heart. Fear creeps in. Doubts about if I am going to make it through alive with my sanity intact come in. I am drenched, exhausted and frightened. Just because my heart doesn't have a strong, elevated space to take shelter in.

But that doesn't mean that I cannot build that space in my heart. If there is anything worth trying for and investing in, it is the time and effort building that space in my heart. Even though wobbly at times and not on high enough grounds it still shelter me somewhat. I know it could be worse if I had nothing. I know it, I truly trust the words of the Buddha somewhere deep within. But that trust alone isn't going to create that space. I have to put in the work day in day out. So I have resolved to practicing patient endurance when there is nothing for me to do. Don't me wrong, patient endurance is an active state not a passive one. It's not one for a victim. It's for someone who wants rise through the debris by digging with their own hands. But there are times we cannot do. There are times when all you can do is wait for the storm to pass without losing your mind. That time and space is patient endurance. 

Being "Open"

A few years ago I went on a month long meditation retreat to a monastery in Canada. It was the longest time I had been on a retreat. It was also a place where I learnt a lot not purely about mediation but about myself and others and our interactions and motivation. It was one of the best things I'd ever done. I am going to write about some of the people I encountered, about what they did, my responses and what I learnt from it.

 

Towards the end of the retreat, the monastery had a group visiting from Seattle. It was a tradition that this group would have an annual retreat at the monastery. Along with the group also came the teachers. It was a lovely time. We went from being a community of 5 to about 25. But because we observe our time silently for the most part, so even though there were so many people. it was a quiet pleasant place.

 

On the last day of the retreat we are able to chat a little to one another because the retreat is officially over. There was this guy. I remember him well. During the last 2-3 of the retreat I developed a knee problem that I had to allow another member of the group to do my afternoon chores. He volunteered. He was an American and kind and gentle man. Must have been in his late 30s or early 40s. He seemed committed to his practice.

 

On the last day when I was talking with a group that he was part of, he said something about his life that caught my immediate attention. He said how difficult it was to keep his practice when he's at home. From the description he gave, it seemed that he behaves at home similar to the way we conduct ourselves during a mediation retreat. He also said that it had created much friction between him and his wife. I cannot recall if he mentioned children. But it seemed to have become an issue. He also couldn't understand why it has to be an issue because he was doing something good. Dedicating himself to a noble practice.

 

At the time I remember understanding where it was not going right for him. When I started my practice, it was purely to figure out a way from the miserable life I was having. It was a very difficult period in my life. I was at odds with myself, my husband and probably I felt the whole world was against me and no one understood me. But I was lucky to have had the support of incredibly wise monastics that I got out of it pretty soon. But it wasn't the path I thought I would take that brought me to where I am now, or even at the time I was listening to this man.

 

When I started my practice, I wanted to become a nun. I felt married life was a waste of time and that it held within it's walls a lot of unnecessary but inherent conflicts and miseries. So I was exploring. I was exploring places and ways to leave this miserable place behind. But as I learnt and grew in my practice, I realized conflicts and miseries are not inherent in a married life but was inherent in 'all of life'. When that realization came upon me, I stopped trying to run away. Instead I stood where I was and began to change myself and the ways I looked at things and approached things and people. With time my life transformed and so did most of my relationships. If a relationship didn't work out the way I envisioned then I made peace with it and moved on. But it took much time. By the time I heard this man I had been in my practice for nearly 6 years and most of the married life problems I had at the time were overcome. Any frictions I had were smoothened out.

 

So I realized his problem, immediately. It wasn't the practice that was the problem. It was how he viewed it and everything about himself and others. He was in some ways stuck in those. So he couldn't fully open himself to the practice and the changes that it required of him before anyone or anything else.

 

I think some of us get into mediation/spiritual path because we want to find some peace of mind from our problems. It could be in our physical self, or with others but meditation is not a path that allows us to figure everyone and everything out. It is also not an isolating path. It is solitary but not isolating. It is a path that gradually allows us to become open to ourselves and in that open to everything else. Solitary but not isolating.

 

The key word is "open". I still struggle with this on many aspects of life and thought. But since I have also had many successes of having opened up myself, I know intuitively that I simply have to wait until I am able to fully open myself up. It requires time and patience towards your own self more than anything else. In that we also learn to bear up the forces within and around us that are not really conducive to the process. But instead of fighting and trying to always change them you learn to put your head down do the work day in day out. Then one day you feel that release, which is a beautiful thing.

 

I don't know where this man is now. But I hope he found the answers and as a result found peace, I hope he had enough guidance that allowed him to see himself. I felt a great deal of empathy as I listened to him but he wasn't asking for my opinion and he had a teacher. So I couldn't tell him what I thought I should/could have told him. But that is perfectly fine because now I know there are things that you may tell and others may not be prepared to listen. We each have our timing. If we are fortunate, as I feel I have been, the right person comes along and tells you something, and you listen and hear and you understand and that's transformational. If not you carry on and one day it's right in front of your eyes and everything feels peaceful.

 

 

Seeds of Evil and Goodness

About 3 weeks ago a gunman shot into a crowd of 22,000 concert goers in Vegas and killed 58 and injured over 500 others. The gunman killed himself. They still don't know the motive and it was the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the US. I see people call the shooter, evil and mentally ill and all sorts of names. It made me contemplate on what makes us evil and what makes us good. Are some born bad? Are others born good? Or are we creatures of circumstances and environment and upbringing? Or a bit of everything?

I consider myself to be a good person. Not just because I think so. But because of the principles and values I have based my life on. I am a practicing Buddhist. I keep my precepts, I do charity work, I try to make my thoughts wholesome and good as much as possible, I meditate. So I think I am a good human being, cause I am actively trying to align myself with what is good. But even with all that, I know I get angry, I have grudges, I get jealous, afraid, miserable, sad, mad and all the negative emotions I can think of or feel. I think we all feel these emotions good and bad from time to time. Some of them are habitual and some are aroused through external and internal events. But if anyone of us were to say we don't feel these emotions, I think we might be lying to ourselves.

So what differentiates us from someone who goes crazy and kill and harm others? There are plenty of examples in this world today; from suicide bombers to random shooters to name its all there. But I wanted to find out whether we are so very different from one another in terms of capacity and thought, from those do harm and those who don't. So I meditated and contemplated on this.

Part of me see it being different and part of me doesn't. Let me first explain the part of me that does not see a difference.

Well I see myself get angry, sometimes to the point of wanting to punch someone in the face, or wish ill fate on them....now that doesn't mean I carry it out. My precepts and my understanding of Kamma makes sure that I don't actually verbally or physically carry these thoughts out. The worst might be that I shout at someone but even that is very rare for me. But I have these negative, insane thoughts of wanting to cause harm and pain. Now for those who are reading me right now and judging me, I ask that you honestly look at yourself and tell me that you haven't felt the need to punch someone in the face or yell dirty words, because they cut you off in traffic, or called you names, betrayed you, cheated you, stole from you or hurt you or/and your loved ones. Maybe you even wished they were dead. Well this is where I see no difference. Our thoughts could have similar traces of anger, hatred and resentment and a need for revenge. Indulge me here. I am only saying that the thought could be similar. Perhaps the intensity might be less but the thought is there.

Then there is the difference.

I see the difference in terms of our push to actually want to carry out the thought. As I said before, I think nasty things but I don't do them. In fact some of the nastiest things I have thought in my head have stayed only as thoughts. Thank goodness! But it is not the same for some of us. We carry out what we think. Our thoughts become our actions and words. We get cut off in traffic and we get angry and we want to get back at them, perhaps we might show the finger, or roll the window and curse or we might speed up and cut them in the traffic as a way to show them. Some might want to say denigrating words to another and actually say it out loud causing hurt and embarrassment. So what make one simply not carry out their thoughts and another carry them out fully?

I think evil and goodness lie in each one of us. The fact that we might want to deny it would not be in our best interest. We ought to accept it and not hide it, especially in ourselves. It's easier to look at the guy next door and call him a bully when not see your own need to dominate others. It may not be as evident as that of the guy next door but it is there nevertheless. It's easier to call someone whole killed a human as evil when in our mind we wish our enemies dead. Yes, we haven't actually done the killing but there is that impetus. I think it would be best if we were less judgmental on one another. Perhaps that would lead to better understanding and healing.

So when I look at the difference between someone doing something bad and someone only thinking about it, I feel it's our own intuitive feel and empathy for others. If we truly can empathize then it's not possible to do harmful things to begin with and with deepening that understanding can lead to creating a path to letting the thoughts go as well.

Anyway, I want you to think and feel for yourselves about these issues. I do. So much negativity is happening in the world. So much negativity is fuelled by what's happening in the world. It's easier for us to get angry, resentful or even find a just cause to fight against. But I am not sure of any of these things. I am believer of standing for what is right and wrong but it cannot and should not be done out of dislike for the other or the group or the action. It cannot make us so judgmental as to think we are the ones better and for some reasons others have to be made to understand and educate. Perhaps there is that element but we cannot be motivated by that. In many ways we become like party we are trying to condemn when our intentions are to teach, make understand, punish, win etc.

There has to be a place in our hearts to inquire into why we do what we do. The biggest fight we fight is within ourselves. The good and the bad in ourselves. So we must be kind. Not just within but outside. So through inquiry we must continuously allow our intentions to soften until they only represent love and kindness and compassion, generosity. Then I believe our actions and words will transform itself to reflect that goodness. I firmly feel this is how we can help the world we live in. Within the families we live. We have to create that harmonious space within us and around us. That is what will create happiness and peace. Just intending to change, because that's what we feel, itself isn't good enough. All change has to come through kindness and gentleness which I feel is the essence of healing and harmony and peace.