Learning to Live

Ayya Khema in one of her books said that as people we need to learn to live life. She said that just because we are born to with a life we are not equipped with the right set of skills to live it.

Last Sunday I turned 39 years old. Even after 39 years I must say that I am still learning to live. I see those around me 'living' not knowing why or how they do it. I see me 'living' in the same way but over the years I have made a conscious effort to learn the way to live life. The more I see and meet people in general I feel their confusion, their struggles with themselves and those around them. I see that people live in problems and that for most living amongst the problems being swung from one end to the other, if life. But I beg to differ. No  matter who says what I now know with great certainty that living can be more peaceful, happy and harmonious for the most part, if you know how to live.

What is 'knowing how live'? We are human after all....with a brain and significant brain matter to know how to live isn't it? We are born into life after all? But truth is far from it.

Many beings are born into life just as much as we are...with smaller or larger brains but not exceeding the capacity of that of a human. I was recently watching a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef and life on it. During the time I watched it, it made me realise how similar we are to those creatures living on the reef. They are born on the reef, they grow in it. Some are lucky to survive their infant stages. Then when they grow, they eat, drink and do their reproductive activities. If they are lucky they will not get killed as prey of a bigger animal. Then they die. During their lifetime, there many ups and downs....weather, water, temperatures, hunting animals, getting sick....to me it sounded so similar to a human life.

Many people I am sure will argue vehemently that I am wrong...that there is more to a human life than what I just described. Really? If you take away the frills and thrills, doesn't our lives boil down to the very activities that I just described above? We are born, if we survive the infant stages, we grow to eat, drink, sleep to reproduce, then we die unless we get unlucky to get killed. All during that time we have many ups and downs.....the only difference for me is that we have the ability to call names for things we do....go to school, get married, do meaningful work, raise children etc etc. but when one takes it part we simply go through the motions that most other beings go through.

Most of us live going through these simple motions. Yes, we do have the ability to think but we use that mostly to go through the motions that others go through without perhaps much of that thinking. Then we call it life.

The lack of knowing how to live, is shown in our inability to use our brain and its capacity to move out these motions. We live life like a habit. We pick up things from our parents, siblings, relatives, teaches, friends, and greater society and instead of using that to carve out our on way of being, we simply follow it. We have no choice. Those who have tried to carve out their own way of being have been burnt, put to prison, called rebels or crazy. We humans need a sense of harmony. Instead of finding that within ourselves, we look for it in the groups that we mingle in. As a result we require people to confirm to certain ways of being. This makes us undermine our own unique humanness we have gotten from birth.

It's a shame that we life such mediocre lives. Many in this world think that having money, a great job, cars, houses, friends to hang out with, income to go on vacations signifies that we are above mediocrity. We are sadly mistaken. All we have done is fall to the greater way of thinking by the society we live in. We are simply following the rules set by others. Then, how can such a life be exceptional. If we following the majority and the views of the majority then we are simply the "average". To be exceptional one needs to go above that.

To do it...one needs to acquire  something greater than what the combined society has to offer. The limited views of their friends, loved ones have to offer. We need to stand our own ground and find our own path. Even if that is uncomfortable, even if that is so vastly different from the rest of the crowd, we can be rest assured that we are doing something that is truly ours. We may make many mistakes on the way but they pave the way for new thinking and new ways of being. It's like a snake shedding it's old skin.

The Dhamma for me has taught me how to live. I feel that I have new tools and ways of being that I thought was not possible for me. It's hard to adapt to a new way of being over and over again. I am sure it's not easy for the snake to shed it's skin either. But without it, it would probably die. And so will we. If we cannot find a new way of being, we are good as the snake stuck inside it's old skin. But unfortunately, most of  us get too comfortable in our old skin, our old way of being because it's easier to do that. It requires less cognitive capacity to live a habitual life...it does not require change. Change is hard and we rather live the old way we know. Even if it's to our detriment. But the danger is we never see that is it harmful to our own well being.

I know people who do mean things, say mean things but they feel good for having done that. Little do they know that they are living inside a snake cave. Its only a matter of time the snakes bite them. But they live anyway oblivious to the dangers. This is a human way of being. We think just because we are inside a cave that we have shelter from dangers. But the very shelter we live in is the danger. But under the pretext of safety we put ourselves in danger over and over again. To me this is a great irony that we as humans put ourselves through. Why is it that beings with enormous brain capacity do these things to themselves?

That is because we don't know how to live life. A person who knows, will know the cave is a dangerous place and that it's required that they step out and find something else. While they do that, yes, they will be exposed....but it's better looking than being.

Making a start

Last Monday, I was at the meditation session at the temple. Our teacher was saying how we needed to start with small beginnings. He was talking about how we can successfully meditate by making small adjustments to our daily living. Meditation after all is teaching us how to live successfully. Not according to the way its defined now. But how it should be. After all if we lived successfully, why should we be unhappy, have fights, get divorces, fall out with our friends, wage wars...right?!

He made me look at my own practice over the last 7 years. I realized that over the course of the years, I have made many practical changes to the way I lived. Not really in terms of how I dressed, cooked or the people I associated but really how I went about my day to day stuff at home and with those around me.

I did start small. I started with my cat Tubby. I was at an all time low. Lots of anger and resentments towards everything and everyone including myself. I was unbearable most of all to me! That was not making me happy at all. So, I started caring for this new addition to the family. She was only 4 months old and was new to our home from the shelter; probably had a tough few months. So I took on the responsibility of caring and loving her. I realized that I also showed a lot of patience towards her because she way learning her ways living with two human beings.

Then I started having those good feelings towards my husbands, with whom I had a love-hate relationship for sometime. His biggest issue was my calls. That I would expect him to call from where ever he was. If he didn't call as I expected I will launch into a full panic mode and have an arguments with him when he finally did call. So, I started easing out on him. Trying patience on a phone call. Allowing time and when that call finally came no matter how mad I was, trying not to convey except the fact that I was happy to hear from him.

Then I started looking at the way I worked around the house. I remember that I used to cut vegetables and through it all entertain angry thoughts. I recognised that my thought patterns were such that no matter how good the initial thought was, by the time its done its round, I end up with angry thoughts. So, I started being more aware of what went off in my head during the time I would cut vegetables. Same with washing dishes, same with driving.

It took me many years to recognise my thought patterns but I did see them and it made it easier for me to manoeuvre them towards something positive. Now don't get me wrong...it's not like I don't go on those crazy rides any more but when I do, very quickly I come to my senses. I can recognize it, before I have gone to the edge of the cliff so to speak.

When I do that, I feel more at ease. As if a burden is lifted. I can see the difference. However, it's not that simple or easy no matter how many times because one is not dealing with the same things. Over a period of time, I also recognise that no matter how different the issue/situation is, the patterns that my mind runs in is very similar. This enabled me to use what I did to handle previous situations with much ease and calm.

Now I don't panic as much. I just have this sense that I know, its going to be okay even if I don't exactly know what's going to happen or how. I just know that even if my mind were to enter an episode of Tamil that there is a way out and that I can somehow come out of it. It might take time but I have a sense that there will be that light at the end of the tunnel.

Its started with small beginnings. They were not earth shattering changes, people don't even know that I have done these except for the fact that they say that I have become easier to be with and more fun to have around. But I have a feeling it's because of these little things I had started many years ago. They have brought about a change. I can certainly feel the ease within myself now. It's very palpable. I am grateful for it. Time and time again it reminds me why I need to continue to put in effort towards these little things. They do make a difference. Even if it's not visible to the outside you feel it. It's like a burden been put down.