Being "Open"

A few years ago I went on a month long meditation retreat to a monastery in Canada. It was the longest time I had been on a retreat. It was also a place where I learnt a lot not purely about mediation but about myself and others and our interactions and motivation. It was one of the best things I'd ever done. I am going to write about some of the people I encountered, about what they did, my responses and what I learnt from it.

 

Towards the end of the retreat, the monastery had a group visiting from Seattle. It was a tradition that this group would have an annual retreat at the monastery. Along with the group also came the teachers. It was a lovely time. We went from being a community of 5 to about 25. But because we observe our time silently for the most part, so even though there were so many people. it was a quiet pleasant place.

 

On the last day of the retreat we are able to chat a little to one another because the retreat is officially over. There was this guy. I remember him well. During the last 2-3 of the retreat I developed a knee problem that I had to allow another member of the group to do my afternoon chores. He volunteered. He was an American and kind and gentle man. Must have been in his late 30s or early 40s. He seemed committed to his practice.

 

On the last day when I was talking with a group that he was part of, he said something about his life that caught my immediate attention. He said how difficult it was to keep his practice when he's at home. From the description he gave, it seemed that he behaves at home similar to the way we conduct ourselves during a mediation retreat. He also said that it had created much friction between him and his wife. I cannot recall if he mentioned children. But it seemed to have become an issue. He also couldn't understand why it has to be an issue because he was doing something good. Dedicating himself to a noble practice.

 

At the time I remember understanding where it was not going right for him. When I started my practice, it was purely to figure out a way from the miserable life I was having. It was a very difficult period in my life. I was at odds with myself, my husband and probably I felt the whole world was against me and no one understood me. But I was lucky to have had the support of incredibly wise monastics that I got out of it pretty soon. But it wasn't the path I thought I would take that brought me to where I am now, or even at the time I was listening to this man.

 

When I started my practice, I wanted to become a nun. I felt married life was a waste of time and that it held within it's walls a lot of unnecessary but inherent conflicts and miseries. So I was exploring. I was exploring places and ways to leave this miserable place behind. But as I learnt and grew in my practice, I realized conflicts and miseries are not inherent in a married life but was inherent in 'all of life'. When that realization came upon me, I stopped trying to run away. Instead I stood where I was and began to change myself and the ways I looked at things and approached things and people. With time my life transformed and so did most of my relationships. If a relationship didn't work out the way I envisioned then I made peace with it and moved on. But it took much time. By the time I heard this man I had been in my practice for nearly 6 years and most of the married life problems I had at the time were overcome. Any frictions I had were smoothened out.

 

So I realized his problem, immediately. It wasn't the practice that was the problem. It was how he viewed it and everything about himself and others. He was in some ways stuck in those. So he couldn't fully open himself to the practice and the changes that it required of him before anyone or anything else.

 

I think some of us get into mediation/spiritual path because we want to find some peace of mind from our problems. It could be in our physical self, or with others but meditation is not a path that allows us to figure everyone and everything out. It is also not an isolating path. It is solitary but not isolating. It is a path that gradually allows us to become open to ourselves and in that open to everything else. Solitary but not isolating.

 

The key word is "open". I still struggle with this on many aspects of life and thought. But since I have also had many successes of having opened up myself, I know intuitively that I simply have to wait until I am able to fully open myself up. It requires time and patience towards your own self more than anything else. In that we also learn to bear up the forces within and around us that are not really conducive to the process. But instead of fighting and trying to always change them you learn to put your head down do the work day in day out. Then one day you feel that release, which is a beautiful thing.

 

I don't know where this man is now. But I hope he found the answers and as a result found peace, I hope he had enough guidance that allowed him to see himself. I felt a great deal of empathy as I listened to him but he wasn't asking for my opinion and he had a teacher. So I couldn't tell him what I thought I should/could have told him. But that is perfectly fine because now I know there are things that you may tell and others may not be prepared to listen. We each have our timing. If we are fortunate, as I feel I have been, the right person comes along and tells you something, and you listen and hear and you understand and that's transformational. If not you carry on and one day it's right in front of your eyes and everything feels peaceful.

 

 

Seeds of Evil and Goodness

About 3 weeks ago a gunman shot into a crowd of 22,000 concert goers in Vegas and killed 58 and injured over 500 others. The gunman killed himself. They still don't know the motive and it was the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the US. I see people call the shooter, evil and mentally ill and all sorts of names. It made me contemplate on what makes us evil and what makes us good. Are some born bad? Are others born good? Or are we creatures of circumstances and environment and upbringing? Or a bit of everything?

I consider myself to be a good person. Not just because I think so. But because of the principles and values I have based my life on. I am a practicing Buddhist. I keep my precepts, I do charity work, I try to make my thoughts wholesome and good as much as possible, I meditate. So I think I am a good human being, cause I am actively trying to align myself with what is good. But even with all that, I know I get angry, I have grudges, I get jealous, afraid, miserable, sad, mad and all the negative emotions I can think of or feel. I think we all feel these emotions good and bad from time to time. Some of them are habitual and some are aroused through external and internal events. But if anyone of us were to say we don't feel these emotions, I think we might be lying to ourselves.

So what differentiates us from someone who goes crazy and kill and harm others? There are plenty of examples in this world today; from suicide bombers to random shooters to name its all there. But I wanted to find out whether we are so very different from one another in terms of capacity and thought, from those do harm and those who don't. So I meditated and contemplated on this.

Part of me see it being different and part of me doesn't. Let me first explain the part of me that does not see a difference.

Well I see myself get angry, sometimes to the point of wanting to punch someone in the face, or wish ill fate on them....now that doesn't mean I carry it out. My precepts and my understanding of Kamma makes sure that I don't actually verbally or physically carry these thoughts out. The worst might be that I shout at someone but even that is very rare for me. But I have these negative, insane thoughts of wanting to cause harm and pain. Now for those who are reading me right now and judging me, I ask that you honestly look at yourself and tell me that you haven't felt the need to punch someone in the face or yell dirty words, because they cut you off in traffic, or called you names, betrayed you, cheated you, stole from you or hurt you or/and your loved ones. Maybe you even wished they were dead. Well this is where I see no difference. Our thoughts could have similar traces of anger, hatred and resentment and a need for revenge. Indulge me here. I am only saying that the thought could be similar. Perhaps the intensity might be less but the thought is there.

Then there is the difference.

I see the difference in terms of our push to actually want to carry out the thought. As I said before, I think nasty things but I don't do them. In fact some of the nastiest things I have thought in my head have stayed only as thoughts. Thank goodness! But it is not the same for some of us. We carry out what we think. Our thoughts become our actions and words. We get cut off in traffic and we get angry and we want to get back at them, perhaps we might show the finger, or roll the window and curse or we might speed up and cut them in the traffic as a way to show them. Some might want to say denigrating words to another and actually say it out loud causing hurt and embarrassment. So what make one simply not carry out their thoughts and another carry them out fully?

I think evil and goodness lie in each one of us. The fact that we might want to deny it would not be in our best interest. We ought to accept it and not hide it, especially in ourselves. It's easier to look at the guy next door and call him a bully when not see your own need to dominate others. It may not be as evident as that of the guy next door but it is there nevertheless. It's easier to call someone whole killed a human as evil when in our mind we wish our enemies dead. Yes, we haven't actually done the killing but there is that impetus. I think it would be best if we were less judgmental on one another. Perhaps that would lead to better understanding and healing.

So when I look at the difference between someone doing something bad and someone only thinking about it, I feel it's our own intuitive feel and empathy for others. If we truly can empathize then it's not possible to do harmful things to begin with and with deepening that understanding can lead to creating a path to letting the thoughts go as well.

Anyway, I want you to think and feel for yourselves about these issues. I do. So much negativity is happening in the world. So much negativity is fuelled by what's happening in the world. It's easier for us to get angry, resentful or even find a just cause to fight against. But I am not sure of any of these things. I am believer of standing for what is right and wrong but it cannot and should not be done out of dislike for the other or the group or the action. It cannot make us so judgmental as to think we are the ones better and for some reasons others have to be made to understand and educate. Perhaps there is that element but we cannot be motivated by that. In many ways we become like party we are trying to condemn when our intentions are to teach, make understand, punish, win etc.

There has to be a place in our hearts to inquire into why we do what we do. The biggest fight we fight is within ourselves. The good and the bad in ourselves. So we must be kind. Not just within but outside. So through inquiry we must continuously allow our intentions to soften until they only represent love and kindness and compassion, generosity. Then I believe our actions and words will transform itself to reflect that goodness. I firmly feel this is how we can help the world we live in. Within the families we live. We have to create that harmonious space within us and around us. That is what will create happiness and peace. Just intending to change, because that's what we feel, itself isn't good enough. All change has to come through kindness and gentleness which I feel is the essence of healing and harmony and peace.  

Seasons of Life

I love the seasons and the changes they bring. Where I grew up it was a tropical island and we had only the rainy season and the dry season. So when I first moved to London, I used to love it and now living in North America I still do. But now changes in the seasons mean something to me other than its beauty. Perhaps aging has brought that about. I entered my forties two years ago but even before that my body almost felt like it was starting to loose it's vitality and strength that I once possessed. Each passing year my body made it more and more clear to me that perhaps it's entered into a new season.

So when I see the seasonal changes, I see my body and it's changes in it. I feel the spring and the summer for my body is gone and its entered fall. Fall is my favorite season, followed by winter. If I follow the seasons, then my body will deteriorate over the next couple of decades before it enters it's last season of winter, where it will weaken and age that it will die. The irony is that even though I used to love fall and winter, I am not sure that I like the changes that my body is going through. I used to love the seasonal changes in color, falling leaves, cooling of the warm summer air and the cold and the snow and the emptiness it used to bring. But I am almost saddened and frightened by it when it comes to my body.

Is it the not knowing what would happen? Or is it the anticipation of the inevitable that is making me nervous? I've been pondering on this the last few weeks. I think to some degree it is a bit of both. I am not sure as to what would happen. Life is not predictable that way.


Yes we see our parents getting old and dying; that happened with grandparents. But each time we moved on. Somehow those experiences and emotions we felt (or rather I felt) didn't seem to take a hold on me. But now I look back and think and feel. Perhaps it's not something I ought to do. But I find myself self drifting off these memories and in some ways see myself in them. I can't help it. I think that's what makes me sad and scared. But then as I said there is guarantee that my life would turn out the same. But then there is the possibility that it will.


I know what my teacher would say. If you can do something about it then do but if not let it go. In some ways I cannot do much about it but I also feel that I can do much about it too. Much about it in the way I live my life right now. In how I respond to things right now. But then again, I feel sad and frightened, emotions which are not good and probably will not be a good way to respond in the moment. But I cannot do much about it. They feel like little dark clouds that come and hang over for a time and drift away. Then it clears again only to arrive back again.


It's been a tough ride, especially this year. Quite a number of people known to me have died during the last 12 months. My dad got pretty sick in April out of the blue and still recovering with no end in sight. My cat sitter died only last week. These experiences have left me feeling 'blue'. Also how my family members have dealt with my dads sickness has also left me feeling scarred. Perhaps I need to give myself sometime to gather itself around these emotions and experiences. But life is funny....it has its own pace and I don't have much control over it. So I feel like I'm being bombarded with these emotions and experiences, chunked into a short period of time.


So I am not yet enjoying this time in my life yet. My husband says this is the time in our lives, when most people who are close to us, like our parents and uncles and aunts will die. Yes it's their winter time just as it is our fall. But I'm not sure my heart has gotten accustomed to that reality. I guess I am going to have to be patient with myself and my heart most of all. It's tough. It's tough to have to face the reality of aging and it's tough to face sickness and its tough to see your loved ones going through it. It's tough to face death. Last year I had two of my closest hospice patients die. Seeing them through it was tough. I didn't think it was like that at the time. But maybe it was even though I didn't feel it at the time. I have stopped my visits to the hospice patients because I feel sad now. I feel disease.


I feel the same with myself. A certain amount of sadness, disease and fright. I maybe repeating myself but I am writing everything that I feel and have felt over the last few weeks and perhaps months.

 

Irma

Hurricane Irma hit the US last weekend. Before that, it created much destruction in the Caribbean islands. It was a category 5 storm with sustained winds of more than 185 miles per hour for the longest time in the history of storms, as per experts. It also held it's strength for a long period of time. I had never followed the path of a storm before but this one intrigued me and so I did.

What was most interesting was how the storm, as it travelled across the Caribbean into the US, almost felt like a living thing. At least for me it did. It had a path and boy did it travel that with persistent intention. It made me wonder what makes a hurricane and how does it keep to a path and how does is sustain it's strength. The science behind was fascinating. A hurricane required certain conditions for it to become one. Air pressure, water temperature, currents, presence of water and or land are some of it. At least that's what I picked up. It was the warm waters of the Atlantic and pressure systems that created Irma. Had it hit land then the hurricane would have lost it's power. The eye keeps it power as it travels over warm waters and when it hit the land it looses power. This is why the US didn't have the amount of devastation they were expecting. It hit Cuba the night before and the eye of the storm lost it's power and was not able to gather it's strength before making landfall in the US. But until then the eye kept creating an recreating itself many times over the course of it's path.

To me the hurricane reminded me of beings. Humans and otherwise.

Buddhist don't believe in a self or a soul or a permanent entity that moves from one life form to another. It is the causes and conditions that shape how and what and when things move. For example, for me to be born as a human being, there were certain causes and conditions present. Without those there wouldn't have been "me" as you and I know it to be. It is also the causes and conditions that sustain me as I move along in my life. Causes and conditions are within and without. Internally, my thoughts, actions and words shape and guide my life's path and externally people I live with, friends, places I live in and many more conditions also keep modifying that path. Absence of one or more conditions can alter "me" and "my life" considerably.

It made me realize, in some ways, how little control we have of me and my life. Just like Irma hitting land, I could get hit by a car and die. I mean it just made me think how vulnerable we are and how much we are shaped by conditions. But we may not even know what they are, because there are so many of them. We don't have the capacity to notice all of them. We move and think so fast that most of these conditions take effect and become the next round of causes in a matter of seconds, perhaps even milliseconds. I was simply fascinated.

It also make me think how much effort and a keen sense of awareness we must cultivate in order to make any change to our direction in life. Not only it's enough to change the external conditions but also it's imperative we change our internal conditions, mostly our thoughts. Our thought has much power but recognizing the thought and it's color and shade and gradient takes much effort. Without that we can be tossed around quite a bit within and without. We will keep inventing and reinventing ourselves either as humans or other beings in different realms.

Somehow there has to be the nullifying of causes and conditions in order for this continuum to come to an end like Irma did by Monday. To me it made me realize that Nibbana is a possibility. At least the science of it :))

 

Lost bag; lost mind

I have never been someone possessed about clothes and shoes. Every year I go through my closet and happily give what I don't use and what I feel I should give away. I am not a hoarder. I don't have a habit of lamenting over broken and damaged stuff around the house and keep using them without feeling the need to replace all the time. I have a habit of keeping my house lean. We don't have anything in excess and I don't buy things in excess so I can have them. I do not buy just because it's cheap or there are deals. It's just me. So the image I have of myself is that I am not possessed by my things.

That was heavily tested during our trip to Iceland when we lost our bag. Between me and my husband we only carry one checked luggage. My husband has a habit of carrying a hand luggage but I don't. But this time round, he insisted that I did carry one so I packed a few items for a day or two. In the bag was most of my clothes for the 9 day road trip we had planned in Iceland. When we landed our bag did not arrive. No one was there to even trace it. So all we could do was file a claim and leave.

I was devastated. My husband and I are frequent travelers and we travel all over and never have we had a delayed bag. Even when it was (once when I travelled to Australia) we always were able to find out from the airline people when it was going to reach us. But this time, there was no such hope and we were about to embark on a road trip around Iceland. I did not have most of my clothes. I felt disorientated, that's what I told my husband.

I am not someone who has a lot of expensive clothes. I have a few good ones and for some reasons I packed most of my good expensive stuff into the bag. My Lululemons, Nike shoes, Colombia sweaters and my new Victoria secrets undies and bras were in the bag. Boy did that hurt. I don't think my husband will ever forget "my beautiful brand new victorias secret undies" for the rest of his life. I must have said that every day. All the goods in the bag, if lost, would have been worth over $3000. So for me it was a lot of money and I knew even when my husband kept saying, we'll replace them all when we get back home, I just knew I would not waste money like that. So I was devastated.

For the first time in my life, I was miserable beyond console, over my lost belongings.

I remember my husband saying many things to calm me down in the few hours after we figured we won't be getting it anytime soon. I don't think it made me feel better. So he said perhaps we should go back to the hotel were to spend the night and make a few calls. But I had planned this vacation for month. Looked at routes and places to visit and I had a few things lined up for the first day and now it looked all was going to go up in flames because I could not overcome my grief over missing bag.

But luckily my desire to see Iceland was far bigger than my desire to look for the bag using our vacation time. Thank goodness. I knew if I went to the hotel and tried to figure out what happened to the bag, considering it was Saturday...I knew it would be double misery. I don't handle being unhappy well. Plus it would make us fight too. Then there will be more misery. So we agreed to go sightseeing. I remember telling my husband that I don't want to be photographed cause I was too miserable to smile. So we agreed no photos of us, but will look around.

Iceland is beautiful. The vastness of nature and space simply absorbed my misery, at least that's what I felt. I forgot all about my bag and simply enjoyed the sight seeing. But when we got back to the hotel, it hit me again like a wave. I had a good cry. Sometimes crying makes things better cause I am able to get that boiling negative feelings out of my system. I also said an affirmation. I am not someone who has stolen or taken what has not been given to me. Even if I find things lying around on the street I will not take, because it is not mine. So I said that since I have been good, that my belongings should be returned without any of it stolen. But that would not bring me peace.

So we travelled or 9 days without any word of our luggage. We tried to each out via email when we could but nothing happened. We ended up buying most of our toiletries and some clothes and using laundry facilities in hotels to get what we had washed and cleaned. After the first day and a half most of my regular episodes of grief and despair reduced.  But it never went away. It raised it head up from time to time throughout the 9 days.

I realized that it takes one to lose something of great value to understand how much attached you are to them. Yes I was not attached to things if they were lost one at a time over a period of time. But this was a loss in one go. Many things I liked and it made a hole in my heart. I kept thinking about people who lose their houses, loved ones, in storms, hurricanes and landslides....I tried to give myself perspective. I tried to tell myself that I only lost things that can be replaced. There are things that cannot be replaced like people, like your peace of mind. I'm telling you, that work is easier said than done.

But we had a wonderful time. Yes we had a fight or two because of my misery and my husbands matter of factness but overall it was wonderful.  I was ready to come back and file a claim for a lost bag cause Air Canada said if you havent' received your bag in 5 days, then we shoud assume that it was lost. So I had to some degree made up my mind to bear a loss of over $3000. I also said to my husband that I there will be continued miserable episodes from time to time for some months to come.

So we were heading back home after 9 days. As we were checking in we tried one final time to ask if anyone could try to locate our bag. The lady at the check in counter was very sweet and she was happy to do that. She took all of the information and any tags that might aid them of identifying it. She said for us to wait by the side of the check in counters so she could ask a person to go through bags. I was surprised. I did not expect to wait...I simply thought they'd take the info. down and check later. There was another gentlemen who was also trying to locate his bag. About 15 minutes later she came to us. She told the other guy that they could not find his bag in the first check and they will go back to do another one. I assumed she had similar news for us. But instead she said, 'we found yours. come back to te counter". I remember saying "Holy crap". We went to the counter and there it was our bag.

We saw it after checking it in Chicago 9 days ago.

At home, once we opened tht bag, it was untouched. Nothing was missing. It was incredible. So we found our bag and all the lost items. We were thrilled. But I don't think I'll ever forget the lesson I learnt. First of all about how we over estimate ourselves and under estimate our attachment to things. Second, to we prudent; I mean these things can and will happen and perhaps a hand luggage is good to have from time to time. Third, never lose sigh of your objectives. We went to have a fun adventure, and I am glad despite all this we have some beautiful memories, stories to share because we knew that was our objective.

Everything Belongs

Everything belongs. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, what is painful and what is not, what is easy and what is difficult, what we like and don't like, what we want and not want, they all belong. The problem is that we wish things did not belong. We want to have certain things only and other things we want out of our lives. But irrespective of what we want and what our opinion of these things are they all belong. They all have a place right here and an equal right exist right now just as much as I do.

I found this insight extraordinary. All of life, we try to get close to things that are good to us, things that make us feel better and get away from things that are not good to us and things that make us feel lousy. But the judgment is made by us and no one else. The outcome of that judgement is felt by us and no one else. That makes us life easy or difficult. So I create the world I live in. I create the emotions that I feel. I am finding this extraordinary. I have no other words to describe it right now. It's shocking too. So much we have in control yet we walk like the world is responsible for what we go through and how we feel. When we are totally in control of how we feel and what we go through. Perhaps the what part might not be in total control. I mean...I could lose my bags on a 9 days trip, my sister can say mean things to me....these things I don't have control over but how I respond to them, is totally within my grasp.

So what do we complain, blame and become miserable and hateful and resentful? Is it because we don't understand what we are capable of? Or is it that we don't want to take that control for ourselves? Are we scared of such exercise of freedom and right? Are we intimidated by that? Or are we in unfamiliar grounds? That amount of freedom given to us, when we don't know what to do with it and how to maneuver ourselves within that space that's totally ours? I don't know the answers.

But from where I come, I feel that for me, it's a little bit of all of that and perhaps more that I haven't yet understood. But whatever it is, I understand that everything has a right to be. There is no point in me, trying to wish things that did not exist or things exist. These kinds of wishing and hoping even a little makes my life difficult, creates turmoil in my emotional world. What for? Does that help me? No but I still find myself wanting and not wanting things. It seems crazy to me that despite understanding this, I still could wish for what does not make me peaceful.

This is the very reason that my mediations can go up and down. I have seen and noticed that when there is peace I like it and when there are thoughts I don't. I wish for peace and I don't wish for lack of it. But my wishing no matter how many times and how long does not make peace or lack of it, more possible or less impossible. But when I let both be, as Ajahn always tells, then I am at peace. So I realize that all belong. There is no need to wish or not wish. You just have to allow things to be.

Volcanoes and Glaciers

My husband and I recently travelled to Iceland. It is a beautiful country. So much unobstructed beauty of nature was incredible to see an be in. I feel it's a place I would like to live. Not Reykjavik but somewhere out in the country side would be idyllic away from all the hustle and bustle but in the quietness of nature. It's called the land of ice and fire and it literally is. There is tremendous amount of volcanic activity in some part of the island and then there is glacial activity. It's incredible and amazing. I was simply taken up by the country more than any other country I had visited so far.

One of most interested places we visited was an active volcano near a geothermal plant. I cannot remember the name of it even if I did I will not be able to spell it. But the magma chamber of the volcano is only 3km underneath our feet. The place of boiling and smoking. There were Sulphur pools and smoking holes on the ground. But most amazing as we walked further into the centre of the volcanic explosions were the lava formations from year of eruptions. It truly looked like a place from hell. Angry, dark and twisted.

I literally felt the power that probably shook the place but in a dark way. I felt sad and intimidated at the same time. I have never felt that way before. The way the lava was formed and rocks were pushed together and pulled apart, the smell, the burnt darkness of the rocks and the lava was very intimidating.

It felt like earth was angry and mean.

Then again I thought of human emotions. Isn't anger we feel is just as bad and ugly as those volcanic eruptions. I mean when we are angry, we feel dark and twisted and out pour our lava in words, facial and bodily expressions and many other ways. So is there really a difference between what you see on earth and what goes inside us? Like the glaciers we are calm and cool when we are happy and okay and like the volcano we are angry and boiling over when we are angry. I found that thought fascinating.

Hearts with walls

When I was young I used to love going home. After school or after school classes we used to have, I'd wait to go back home. Home was my happy place. I used to curl up in bed on dark, cold, rainy days and would read all day and my heart was pleased. When I worked for the newspaper I used to be called the "Home Bird", cause I'd never hang around to socialize with others at work but instead run home to be with home people. I loved home and everything and everyone in it. It was peaceful and happy place for the most part and I felt secure in it.

But I don't feel like that any longer. Perhaps because it's been over 10 years since I left home for good. Or perhaps because I have my own home now, which I feel similarly about. Or perhaps because I feel that the home that was once close to my heart does not feel like that anymore, including the people I once shared a life with in it. It pains my heart but at the same time I realize that those who I call mother, father, sister and brother have their own journeys and own lives and over the years the paths we each have taken have moved us in so many directions that it's no longer possible to even get close, not just physically but mentally as well. I used be connected to these people. But as much as much heart wants that I realize that it's not possible.

It's sad that when we grow up, we see that part of growing up is being able to assert oneself over others. It is sad that when we grow up, we lose the kindness and he openness we had as children. It's sad when growing up also means to some being so separated from one another as to make oneself look important or different. It's extremely sad when your own brothers and sisters, based on their own prejudices and insecurities or egos, allow walls to creep us in personal relationships.

Whatever it is, I really don't have answers but only speculations. I look at my own heart and I see great sense of disappointment and sadness over the happenings of the last 2-3 months. It feels like my dad's sickness brought out the worse in everyone and true reflection of who they are as individuals. If what I have experienced over the last 3 months is even close to the truth, then I am afraid I no longer have space in my life for them anymore. Just writing that finality of tone makes me sad. But I don't know what to do other than create some space and distance between me and my family members.

I do not understand their hostility towards me. Whether it is by intention or not, there is that I feel. From my parents I feel a great deal of expectations that they don't seem to have from the others. But when I do everything that I can possibly do, that is also not good enough or there is more to do to make things better. I am asked to live up to standard that they do not demand from my brother and sister. They cannot handle a rough word from me but puts up with redness from my brother and sister all the time. For them, my life is perfect and I am perfect, whereas for my brother and sister their lives need to be helped and cared for by them and by me. Why is that? I don't know but I feel the burden that I cannot handle anymore.

Talking to home is unpleasant. Talking to my brother and sister is unpleasant. I have done everything in my power to 'take it in from one ear and put it out the other' but it's come to that point that I no longer even want to take anything in. I feel like I need a break from them for a while. Perhaps it will be good for me and them. Sometimes we all need to find some space and quietness and I certainly need to feel that without the constant barrage of complaints and requests and demands from them.

Recently we were on a holiday and the day we landed we found that our bags were missing. On the same day my brother sends me a text asking me to call so he could go over a letter that has to do with his move. We are holidaying and in another country and without access to Wifi and with a large time difference. So I told him that our bags were lost and I cannot attend to his needs right now. Then after a day he writes again asking if I got the bags. To that I replied that if he's waiting for my call not to do so because of the difficulty in getting through but to send the letter in. He simply went quiet and never wrote back or even asked about the missing bags. When I got home I wrote telling him we were back and that we could talk. When I called him he simply sounded very disinterested in talking and the attitude was that there is nothing to talk about and was very dismissive of anything I had to say. Moreover, he never even bothered to ask about the holiday or if we even found our bags. I was very hurt and disappointed.

The fact that he is so selfish and cannot even care about someone else until his little life is perfect was very sad to me. Now if I tell him he probably will lecture on how one should not expect and why one should expect so much but forgetting his own level of expectations and his inability to let go of his own ego and selfishness for a moment to ask about anothers problems. It was the same with my sister. It was all about her sickness and difficulties but never how I might be having a hard time with my knees and back and shoulder, when I was doing the taking care of my father. Everyone seem to feel they have the worse and therefore do not have an ounce of time and hear to spare for another. So I am leaving them be.

I claim that I also don't have the time and heart for them. It's taken a toll on me and my mental well being so I will stop for a while at least. Let them sort out their miserable lives and let me get on with mine.

Mind reactions leads to lack of peace

Recently my meditations have been erratic. For the most part this week I found myself feeling lazy to meditate. There have been times I've felt like this and its passed. But this time round there seem to be a block. At least that's how I felt. With all that has been happening, today I thought I'd sit down even for a short while.

Ajahn Brahm always says no matter what open the door of your heart. So I thought I'd try that. I think I do but perhaps I may not do as he says for us to do. I started with chanting. I do that when my head seem to be all over. I realized that my mind was running around even through the chants. But I kept at it and things clamed down as they always do. Then I moved to relaxing my body. It was better by that time. After a while I was able to pick up my breath. Then once more my mind started the thinking process. Thoughts were everywhere. But this time I continued watching them, opening the door of my heart to them even though they were not supposed to be there. I let them be, I said.

As I continued watching them I realized something. Perhaps I had known this before but not felt it this strong.

I realized that when things get a bit rough my mind jumps. It's almost like being frightened. You know when you don't like something, how your mind reacts. Well mine does in meditation when things arise that I think should not be there. But when things clam down I clam down cause it's nicer and easier.

This was fascinating to me. Cause this is how I live my life for the most part. Especially during the last month or so with all the events, my mind has become frightened. Even when I was in Australia I noticed it many times. My mind jumps (almost like a strong quiver) when I feel the negativities around me. Not just thoughts but events and people. Then when things clam down I clam down and I feel much at ease.

I saw that in my meditation today more thatn I'd ever done so before.

Am I frightened of my negative thoughts, just as I am frightened of negative events and people around me? I find that interesting. For my mind seem to react so similiarly to the internal thoughts as it does with external events and people. When things are not the way I want, I get frightened and want to run away and get distracted but when things clam down I accept it with open arms.

Isn't this what Ajahn Brahm tells us to move away from? But then I seem to be embracing it. It seems to give me comfort cause embracing what I don't like is hard.

So what is this teaching me? That I ought to be more patient, tolerant, understanding. Or have a balanced place in my heart for the good and the bad. Or is it teaching me to move away from my reactions to these events? Cause these thoughts arise out of past karma but as my teacher says it's my reactions that create future karma. So in my frightened reaction I am creating my future karma which could lead to similar situations?

Hmmm....it's something for me to consider.

So in my meditation I am simply reacting to thoughts that are arising, which is the problem. This sounds exactly like what Ajhan says. Depressed about being depressed or angry about being angry...reactions. Instead he says to let it be.

Next time I meditate I must try to be this way. Of course I mustn't try to control which reactionary. Oh my...I got to stop this cause I will twist myself into a knot. I should just write and let it go and not think about it. All thinking leads to confusion. But I thought I'd write it anyway cause I really felt it very strongly today.

So different and yet so similar

If nothing else the events of the last few weeks have taught me how different we all are, even if we belong to the same family and same mother and father. While its sad on the one hand, it is also liberating. Liberating to know that genes can dictate limited amount in our lives and just because we belong to a certain kind or type of family we don't always turn out to be like that.

I have wondered about this for a while now, because of my own experiences and experiences of those I associate closely. I suppose in some ways we create our own lives. Even though my husband and I live in the same house and shared a life together for almost 2 decades doesn't make us any similar or make us look at the same thing in the same way. You'd in some ways expect some similarity but not always. Its the same with my siblings and my parents. After all our parents raised us and for almost 2 decades we lived in the same house, ate the same food, associated more or less the same people and some ways influenced by similar things. You'd think. But not so.

The more I investigate it the more I feel it's not what we experience that make us different from one another, it is in how we experience it. Growing up I was a child mostly to myself. While I had challenging times in my early childhood and teenage years I never felt out of control. I almost never felt a need to please others even my parents. I was called stuborn and selfish for it. I don't think that made a dent in my sense of self worth. But on the other hand my sister was quite the opposite. While I retreated to myself my sistser was someone who loved the limelight. In her younger years she shined in drama and all the sports and stuff and was celebrated for it. I don't remember wanting the same. I was happy to be me. Stuck in a book, school or story.

My brother was 11 years younger to me. So by the time he was in his early years I was leaving high school an on to university. While I remember working with him on art and creative stuff, I don't remember hanging out like I did with my sister.

But we have all turned out so very different. I suppose there is good in that. If we all thought the same way perhaps we will not be able to look for better ways of doing things, new perspectives on stuff. But they are also the reasons why we clash. That's what has happened for the most part over the last few weeks. If after all is said and done my dad comes out the winner then so be it. I can make peace with that. But I feel like have learnt for myself a valuable lesson. That is just because we are siblings doesn't mean we think and feel the same.

Each of us despite similiarity in our experiences will see and feel about it very differently. I wonder what leads to this? Is it our personality? Is it our education? Is it those we associate, countries we live in....what is it? Or is it simply karma. Or is it a mixture of all these things.

Perhaps it's a mixture. I mean we are creatures of change. Whether we want to or not life itself changes us. The things that get on our plate sometimes are so unexpected that we have no choice but to deal with them. IN dealing with them we change the course of our lives, direction and flavor both. I feel that way about me and my siblings.

We are different beings in every possible way. Despite belonging to the same set of parents we are very different in who we are and how we deal with things. Perhaps there are traces of behaviours that run a thread. My husband says there are. That looking at the three of us and how we deal with things show a common thread...isn't that interesting?! I agree with him to some degree. So then there are things that we carry in the same way despite our differences?!

It's been interesting. While events of the last few weeks have left me tears from time to time, it 's also been a time for reflection. This is one of those reflections. How different we are and yet in some ways so similar.

Either way, I think it's best to have space to see and think for myself. While family is important I'm beginning to realise that along with that importance can come a lot of heartache. So over the last few weeks I've reflected on what makes these relationships so hard and dynamic. While it's nice to have people to hang out with, share a past and history with, it brings with many ups and downs, pleasure and displeasures, happinesses and unhappinesses. To me the ups and downs of life, while they are there for sure, don't have to be taken in the sameway. I'm looking for ways to reduce the impact it can have on my peace of mind. While I know I will not be removed from these life dynamics, I can find a better and a more constructive way of facing them. Perhaps with more balance in my heart and mind. I am investigating them now. So most of the events of the past few weeks are making me look for new ways for myself to exist.

 

The last few weeks have been pretty challenging, emotionally. April 26th we had to fly out to Australia. My father and mother had been visiting my sister for the previous 8 months and they were to leave by the end of that week. By my father got diagnosed with a perianal abscess and he was asked to go through emergency surgery. It was a tough one becase my sister said that it was a big one that had spread to various glands in side the rectum area. So naturally I was very worried. My father speaks a little English but my mother does not. So to be in a place where they cannot understand other people or get about on their own was a worry and what happened with my sister compounded all of them. I waited to hear about the surgery and decided to travel. My husband joined me. What is going to be written in this blog and a number of future ones would be my experiences during that time.

I am sure I will ramble on and on at times but I need to write these things because partly I feel it would be therapeutic for me. Over the last weeks I have struggled to come to terms with the things that happened over there and now continue to happen now as well. So I am sure I will go back and forth between my past experiences and try to make sense of some of them. While I understand that no amount of thinking will sort it in my head, I feel writing it down might alleviate some of the burden and hurt I feel in my heart.

Travelling to Australia wasn't an option, especially because my father-in-law died only 6 months ago. It was unexpected. I guess death always is unexpected to some degree. So it was weighing on my mind when my dad had to undergo this surgery. So with all the information coming my way I didn't wait. My husband too didn't want to and we flew.

What happened once we got there was in many ways disheartening. Before that I want to set up the background.

So by Sunday evening my time, my dad was told that his ultrasound revealed something bigger than what the family doctor thought it was. So they made him do an MRI. In that they found the extensive abscess. So he was asked to undergo surgery. They admitted him to hospital.

As I said before my father and mother had been visiting my sister for the past 88 months. My sister and her husband live in Melbourne and they have a 3 years old son. My sister also has knee issues and many marital problems that I have heard about for years. But they stick it out some how, I guess. They didn't have a baby sitter then and for the most part my parents looked after the child when the parents had to run errands. When my dad had to undergo surgery, everything got chaotic for everyone very quickly. Suddenly they had had to run around to the hospital and do everything. Because my dad and mom were not good in the language it made it that much harder. 

Calling my sisters home is a nightmare. They never answer the phone nor do they call back. But when my parents were there I would call and it will roll to voicemail and when I start speaking my mother or father would pick up. But my sister never does even if she is at home and on numerous occasions she has shown displeasure to my calling my parents and having extended conversations.

Anyway, I let those go for all these times. But when my dad was hospitalized, it became a problem. I had to wait for their messages. The day my dad was to have surgery, I didn't get any messages from my sister so I called their home. After trying 3 times, my mother finally answered and I barely had time to speak when the little one got on it. He is a bit naughty and cannot be controlled. So all I heard from my mother was that she was staying at home and looking after the kid while my sister and her husband went to the hospital. We didn't know when my dad was going to be taken in. Since my sister kept saying it was really bad I was way worried. So when I heard that my mother wasn't going to be in the hospital before the surgery I was not happy. I mean from the way everything sounded I really thought there was the possibility of complications and with his age and etc that it could be life threatening. So I wanted to tell my mother to somehow go to the hospital but my sisters husband came along and asked the little one to put the phone down and didn't let me talk to my mother. This rang alarm bells for me. But once again I couldn't do anything about it. My sister has given me only one mobile number which is my brother in laws and he never answers it. No one picks up the hone phone so you cannot do much. My parents don't have mobiles either. 

So after a little while my sister called and asked me not to call home. I was not happy but as calmly as I could I told her that I was very worried for my dad and that ever effort should be made to have my mother visit him  before he goes for surgery. Also on the previous day when I asked to speak with my father, they said the hospitals won't allow phone calls in the ward. I refused to believe this. I mean come on. In Australia (Austin hospital) saying to a daughter that she could not speak to her dad before a surgery....come on....so I wrote this to my sister as well and during that phone call insisted that I speak. 

She did make the call from the hospital and she did take my mother to see him and she was with him until he was taken in. 

By the time he was done, I knew he came through and before the end of the day I had told my sister that no matter what I hear or not hear I will make arrangements to come there. She also felt it would be the best considering all situations.

Initially I thought I'd go there for a few weeks so I could look after my dad and also help out with things. My sister kept saying how difficult it was for her to handle everything with the child and her knees and everything. Also realized that the day after the surgery my mother wasn't gonna go because there was no one for her to go with. I mean this was ridiculous. She has a car and she could take the child and my mother and go but no. She says she doesn't want her son exposed to the hospital environment. They boast about having friends, so why couldn't have they asked one of them to help out and have my mother visit him the day after the surgery. No that was not possible too. My sister kept on saying how to look after him when he gets released and who is going to do the work of looking after him cause she cannot and with a kid and the wound could be infectious and everything under the sun. I had to tell her not to worry so much. 

As I said, at the begging my plan was to go and stay for an extended time. 3 weeks was the thought. Also my husband decided to fly with me. This was good and was a surprise considering how hectic his work schedule was. But because there was no place at my sisters house to stay, he was worried how I was going to manage on my own. Plus Id have to rent a car. Driving on the wrong side of the road, having to stay by myself with all the stress my husband didn't feel it was best for me to travel on my own. It was very good of him to think that way. When we were looking at booking flights, he asked me how I was going to manage on my own once he was gone. I said I will somehow manage. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that my idea wasn't going to do me any good.

The last time I was in Australia, I went to visit my sister. I went early so we could send time together with the little one. But it turned out to be a disaster. She was ver mean to me from the get go, I don't know why. I don't even think she thought anything of it. I felt like an inconvenience and I didn't like it. After all my intention was to have a good time and spend time together but it was aweful that by the end of my time there I swore to myself that I would not travel to my sisters place unless my husband was with me.

So for me, going to visit my dad on my own would be a contradiction to this promise. More than keeping to a promise is the misery that it could bring about if I were there on my own and my sister started to get mean and crazy. So when my husband told me to think about it but support me no matter what, I changed my mid.

I said I would go with him and come back with him even if it was only for 12 days. At least I'll be able to give a helping hand and my parents will be happy to see us and my sister could take a break from caring for them and attend to the kid and her knees.

So I told her that I will not be coming for an extended period and told her that both of us will be there for the 12 days and we will do everything we can for them. During that conversation she laid out her expecations which were not fair for me.

She implied that she felt let down, because I had told her I was going to come for a longer time. She said that she was hoping I could do things for her to make it easy for her and etc.....this didn't go down well. I told her that it's not the time for her to complaint about what she has to do for her parents. I told her that she was the one who brought them down for a long time, for her assistance and now that one of them was sick, she shouldn't expect me to run around the world to do things to make her life easier. I told her as nicely as I can, that I too have a life. I have a family. My husband travels extensively and he needs me to take care of our home. Running from my home to Melbourne is not like catching a bus or a train to a nother city. It's almost a 24 hour flight and we have to leave our home our cat. For her to imply that she expected I would make myself available whenever and wherever was not a nice thing to do.

I think hearing me say that to was even worse. I could literally see her walls all coming up in that conversation itself. But I ended saying, we will have our car and we can do everthing for my father.

So during transit, I realized that my father was released from the hospital with a tube attached. But he was stable. This was good news for me and my husband. So we boarded the flight to Melbourne with much ease.

Once we got there that wasn't to last much longer!

The only certain thing about life is death. Its presence is constantly in our lives. But we hardly ever think about it or pay attention to it. Its like a silent partner, tags along with us all the time. Death has scared me and fascinated me for a very long time since I can remember, even as a child. I remember the first time I saw a funeral pire. I was travelling with my maternal grandmother in a bus to her house. I would have been less than 10 years old. It was dusk and the funeral pire was burning and the flames engulfed it. I remember that so vividly and I was frightened and curious. 

I didn't encounter death until my paternal grandfathers death. I have a few memories. Somehow my father was on his way back to our home after visiting his sick dad when we got the news. As soon as he came we packed and went to Galle. I think the body was being prepared in the house. That's what my memory says. Then they closed the doors etc and brought the body from the room it was in, into the main living area. I remember the funeral procession. The crematorium and how people went to see the burning pire in the night or early morning hours. But that's it.

Then the most vivid one the one that caused me much sadness was the death of my uncle, my mothers second brother. We were very close to him and he used to visit us often and we learnt a great deal from him as teenagers. Then more deaths followed. Last year Ranil's dad died. That made me recollect all the deaths I had experienced previously. For some reason the death of his dad seem much potent experience compared some of the previous experiences. It was sudden even though we kind of expected it because of the 2 anyurisms he had. 

But since then I have contemplated not just death and the dying process, but also the ones left behind and how life continues to unfold in the absence of our loved ones. I have also worked with hospice patients over the last two years and even though they die and none are related to me, you build up a relationship with the patient and at times a significant other or a child. 

I have seen people struggle towards the end of their lives. Either from pain or fear or inability to face the fact that their bodies are falling apart. I met a man who was diagnosed with cancer. He was young-74- and had good memory. We struck up a friendship for almost a year before he died just after he turned 75. He was single and had no family except two friends who used to visit him regularly. He was a war veteran, traveled to many places had many girlfriends and partied and drunk and had a good time. But he had a hard time coming to terms with the frailty. He had a a few hard falls cause he tried to walk when he was told not to. He felt like a prisoner, not being able to do the things he wanted to do and go to places he wanted to go to. But he was not bitter. He had a good sense of humor and he always waited for me to come and see him. But every time I left, I could see the twinkle in his eyes fade.

There was a woman around the same age riddled with breast cancer. I don't think she every made peace with death. She was a woman who had gone through domestic violence. She had a son in another state who would visit her once or twice during the time I visited her. She died within 6 months. But she was always crying. When she talked about her son she cried. When she talked about her death ad God she cried. She tried to tell that she was going to be with God but there wasn't a lot of certainty to that. She was also in a great deal of pain. Towards the end her pain medication made her feel frightened and have hallucinations, said the nurses. The last time I saw she was sitting on the bed, in tears. Her brother and a nurse was with her but she was in tears. She calmed down when I sat by her. She died a few days later.

The last patient I visited was 55 year old muslim woman. She was paralized onn her left side and her speech was damaged. So she couldn't talk to me. She would make noises and smile, try to. When I first saw her she looked real bad but with time she recovered well. I met her husband, a man who was 10 years older to her, always in white kurtha suit. Their life story was amazing and he had cared for her for over 15 years since she first had her stroke. Then she started to tell me through her husband, that she wanted him to take her home. Her frustrations clearly came through at time, partly because she wanted to go out and home but she had no control over that decision. Neither over her body. For some reason I felt that she was going to die and she did after a few weeks.

Even though I didnt meet Ranils father before he died or throughout his sickness, I heard it all from Ranil. It was a tough time. He too had  failing body and he struggled with coming to terms with it. 

So all these stories have twirled in my mind from time to time during the past 6 months or so. Following are some of my thoughts and insights

1. Death is not easy. Dying is hard. Partly because we don{t think about it and partly because the world we live in put so much emphasis on the living. I think its a dis-service to people who are living. As hard as a truth it might be, each one of us have to face this in terms of our own deaths and the deaths of those who are closest to us. But while sadness comes and goes, nothing stick for us. I think it's important for us to contemplate death while we live and are capable and not leave it to a time when we don't have our faculties and bodies in the right condition to think about it.

2. We have little control over our bodies. While we all fall sick from time to time, we don't get it what's like to have chronic pain and sickness. It's not easy face a situation where you don't have an answer or have very little control over. I think the illusion of life, is to provide that sense of control. Or we exert so much power until we get what we want or make things happen the way we want. When we are not able to do so, we will justify it. But sickness and imminent feelings of doom cannot be controlled to our desires. Since we've had a life time of practice manipulating our external situations, we do the same towards our end of life events. But with no much results except restlessness, sadness, resentment, frustration and even anger at times.

3. Our emotional world becomes everything. When the body is falling apart, the only things that can give certain balance and a sense of calm is our mind. But unless we have throughout our lives, anchored ourselves in something that can produced that clam, it's hard to ask for it to be at your service when you need it. It's important to have healthy emotional world. When we are young we do much and run around  like chickens with it's head cut off-doing this and doing that-that when we are lying down taking our last breaths, we don't know anything other way of being other than being like chickens with its head cut off. It's a time that requires great strength of the mind and one must prepare as much as can for this experience. sometime I watch these bridal shows and these young girls say that they've thought of their wedding day since they were 5 years old. I think we should think our dying from the moment we are born. Otherwise we waste a lot of time in unnecessary things.

4. Learn those who die. No matter how many funerals we go to and even perhaps our closest, we see it as something that has happened to someone else. For us what is left is the grief and loss. But this should not be it. We need to see the dead person pay respects by all means. But also we must make an effort to realise that this is something that will at some point happen to me, and my closest family member. That lessons somehow eludes us. Maybe we may say it out in words during the time and a mourning period but it does not come home in to our hearts. I think we must see clearly that death is something that happens to me. Then perhaps that might make us take a hard look at how we live right now. For in our living is created our dying experience. Our death and the dying process is not going to be something alien to us. It's in how we have faced and responded to our life on a moment to moment basis. We have a pattern of it, call is our personality or our dominant trait. This is what will get unfolded at time of death and during the dying process. So take a hard look at ow you respond to life while living, for in it lies all the clues and answers we need.

Lies, distortions of truth and injustice: tremors in my emotional world

Last night I was watching news about the testimony by James Comey and the response from the WH and supporters of Mr. Trump. As I was watching it, I noticed that I kept getting increasingly angry and resentful. At the end I switched off the news channel cause my anger gave me a headache. I wondered why I got so angry. As a practicing Buddhist, I could not make peace with it. I kept fighting the lies and the injustice that was happening and the emotions that it aroused in me until it gave me a headache. It was exhausting. 

Then my husband started reading a chapter from the book we have been reading over a month by Ayya Khema. It was very timely. Cause the chapter said that we should not take things personally no matter how right or wrong things maybe. My husband ended up asking me, "why do you have to take it personally?". That was a good question and I had to think about it. Why does lies and distortions of the truth and injustice always get me? Why do I take these emotions so personally every time? As I thought about it, I realized a few things.

I have faced such lies, distortions of truth and injustices by others. I realized that's why these stories strike a never in me.

When I was little I had an aunt who was very unkind to me. I was about 5-6 years old. She used to refuse to give me the food I like to eat after I get back from school for lunch. I loved lentils. My mother would cook it everyday just the way I liked to eat it. But this aunt of mine who lived with us and took care of us while our parents were working during the day, would not give it to me. She will give me just enough and then laugh when I would want more. Or call me names. She also got me to do all the cleaning afterward. She used to look after me, my sister and a cousin of ours during that time. She would drop pick us from school everyday and we would walk home. She never got them to do the cleaning up. I had to do the cleaning up of all our school items like snack boxes and bottles etc. My mother never knew about it. I never told, apparently. But those days I would cry every evening if mother got even slightly late from work. She would come around 5.15-5.45pm. If she didn't come during that time I would be in tears until she did so. I remember feeling sick about losing my mother. I remember having these frightening thoughts about my mother dying and that would scare me so much that I would cry. I was also punished for this. But it didn't stop for a while. Finally my dad realized what was happening because he was at home one day and that day my aunt had hit my across my leg and her finger marks were visible. My father saw this and that got him to send his own sister away. Maybe my crying stopped then, I don't remember.

(I cried while I was writing that paragraph)

I was 16 years old when I finally told this to my parents and my aunt. She apologized and my parents were aghast. I think I forgave everything cause I have had any dealings with this aunt and I haven't felt anger or resentment. 

Then I also had an uncle who supported me through college. It was an ordeal as well. When were were younger and doing well in school, he kept promising that he would help us f we get good grades to go to a foreign university. I particularly grabbed hold on to that idea. I liked it and wanted it. I finally got good grades to enter a good university outside of my country. Suddenly my uncle who had been promising all these things for years started getting quiet. It would have been a difficult time. I remember being very determined to get what I wanted and I was willing to do whatever. Finally with the help of someone we managed to get the necessary documents from my uncle to apply for visa. It never felt  good. Every year I had to call him and ask for the money to be wired. I wasn't sure if he'd send it. But he did. 

Then was the series of incidents with my husband and his family. My husbands mother, was very critical and condescending of me from the beginning. I was never pretty, too fat, not famous or rich enough for her. My family was never posh enough for her. But my husband never noticed any of it for almost 10 years. If he did, he never did anything about it enough to stop it. Over the years his father and sisters too joined in. They cut my family off for no reason. They were astonished why I didn't want to continue to talk to his mother, even after being told why. They treated me like a bad egg even when I had welcomed them and his sisters and treated them well for many years. Our marriage was full of turmoil for a long time. I was exhausted and at times suicidal. It was such an uphill battle. I thought truth was something obvious and decency and fairness was something fundamental that in the absence of it from those who were supposed to protect me left feeling completely out of control and sad and angry. His parents also bad mouthed me to my husband, telling things that were not true and ignoring all the good that I had done. The sisters were supportive of that and was pushing my husband trying to create a wedge between us. I held my husband responsible, for not being there for me, protecting me and standing up to what was right and wrong, for a long time. It was during all this that I took meditation as a practice. Out of sheer desperation and not wanting to hurt myself, I took on to the practice. 

Over the years its helped me a great deal. It's to mostly to see my emotions and work through them in a calm and constructive manner. But it has also helped me to identify where my responsibility ends and others start. That has helped me to stay away from feelings of guilt and take on others emotional drama. 

But despite all that, I still get angry and frustrated when I see lies, injustice prevail. It annoys me how people get away by saying and doing wrong things and are not held accountable for their behaviours. It angers me when people are victimized by those behaviors and no one pays attention to the victims. Power and money seem to protect those abusers and leave the victims out to dry. It makes me very angry. Even when I know there is no point to anger no matter how righteous it may seem. Even when I know in my head that those who do bad have to live with the consequences of their behaviors and I am only responsible for mine. Even when I know "Karma will get the bastards anyway" according to Ajhan Brahm, I still have to live with the strong emotions that get created in me as a reaction to these events from time to time. While not every event shakes my world, the right one at the right time with the right intensity can bring about lot of pain in my heart. I felt that last night and here I am writing about it. Hopefully this will contribute to my own healing process.