Is life fair?

Good question. I am not sure. What do you think? 

Over the years I used to moan and grumble about things as being unfair or life as being unfair to me or even as being unfair to me when things don't go my way or they don't work out or go wrong...for me. But I don't remember complaining or grumbling when things work out for me, or when people are good to me or when things work out for me...do you do that as well? Probably! But I know I do and I know great many people do as well. 

So then is it the thing that is happening to us in a way that we perceive to be unfair, unjust, awful that makes us feel lousy or is it our perception/experience of it and vice versa? I think its more of the latter. I think it's a hard one to digest. Even for me as someone who has a strong inclination towards Karma and its forces, I still find it hard to accept things as they are. 

I mean look at a simple thing like the weather. It's winter here and it's been long one and harsh one to some degree. So last weekend we met this couple and the woman was not happy that winter had lasted this long. She's waiting for the spring. Now on the other hand I had a great winter. Now was that because 'winter' was different to each one of us or was it because our experiences and perceptions of winter was different? I think the latter. I mean winter is winter no matter which way we slice it right?

Then I look at the relationship I have with my mother-in-law. Very sour...I don't like her and she doesn't like me. Now my husband is the only common thread between us...if not we probably won't even cross each others paths or even if we did, we might steer clear from each other. But my husband loves both of us tremendously. He love his mom and I know he loves me much too. So Is it that she is bad or I am bad? Or we aren't lovable people? No its the perception and the experiences. At least that's my explanation of it for now at least. 

Isn't that crazy?

Sometimes we use these experiences, especially the negative ones, to say that life is unfair. Life in unfair because winter happens to be so long and harsh for someone of; life is unfair because I have a mother-in-law that I don't get along with, life is unfair because I don't have the job I like or the boss who is good, life is unfair because I have chronic pain, cancer, illness, life is unfair cause I have stupid children, or abusive husband or a cheating wife and it goes on and on and on.....I mean isn't that the case for all of us at some points in our lives. 

I used to watch quite a few wildlife movies and it's sad to see how animals are killed as prey by their predators. Then there was a scene a baby elephant died because of drought and it was hard to watch. In another one emperor penguins got stuck in a valley after a winter storm and they had to leave their chicks to die to save themselves and those who didn't died, until humans intervened to same the remaining. I said 'unfair'...or is it? I mean after all that's how things are supposed to be...circle of life and survival of the fittest, right? 

Then I watch trees and leaves and lakes and oceans change from season to season...the transformations are stark. Trees grown flourish in spring and summer, only to wither and shed and enter a long hibernation in winter months...then lakes freeze or dry out in some parts of the world. Some species go extinct only for us to discover brand new ones in the depth of the ocean or in a deep tropical forest....but they don't complain. No one says that's unfair. It seems there is an acceptance that, that's how it is. 

Perhaps this is the missing part in our lives. Humans by nature are willful and want to control, change and adjust their lives, surroundings to the way they see fit. It's great if we can do that all the time. But we can't. Time and time again we are shown how much we are not in control. Yet some how we forget it or we fail to accept it. We want to assert ourselves over things. Invariable this brings us discomfort...along with that thoughts of 'life is unfair'....

I think we need to change our way of perceiving and experiencing things. I mean my teacher Ajahn Brahm says change the attitude. He says that about all most all things, I should say. There was a time it used to sound crazy to me. But there was also a time I was desperate. So I listened to him cause he was a wise old monk. And as I changed I realized that life because an easier experience for me. It wasn't that things changed all of a sudden. They are for the most part very much the same. 

I mean my mother-in-law hasn't changed. She is who she is. I don't meet her. But there was a time even the thought of her drove me insane and my blood rushed through my veins and if I heard her voice I'd get an anxiety attack. But it's much better now. So I must have changed somewhere, even if it's an only a small change. 

I think we can all change how we perceive and experience things. I feel that life would start to fee like less of a burden and gruesome space if we do so. I must say this transformation hasn't come about easily and there are great many things I have to change my attitude about but it's a start. It's a movie the right direction. 

So I think in somewhere in my mind and hear I feel that life is fair. It is what it is...there are somethings that we cannot change no matter how much we want to. But what we can change is our perception, experience of it by changing our views of it. I think that's an easier thing to deal with than trying to change the world. One might say, why should I change myself? Why can't others? I used to say that and ask that too...but over the last couple of years I feel that I waste a lot of energy in asking others to change themselves..it also gets me angry and mad and makes me lose my happiness and peace of mind. But whenever I have been able to change my attitude and know that things are what they are no matter what my personal feelings and views are, then I feel I get to a better place. I don't have to constantly pull and push to keep things and manourver things. Instead I can sit-in peace and be happy.  

Politically Correct or hiding from the truth?

I feel that we live in a world that is becoming too politically correct. That's how I feel. I don't mean that we have to be mean and nasty to one another in how we use language; by all means we must be polite and show great sensitivity and care when we talk to and about one another. But I fear that at some point we will not be able to open our mouths and say anything without being criticized or condemned as being offensive to someone or group. I think that's ridiculous. 

I don't disagree that people have used language to marginalize and discriminate against people and groups. I do believe we have to have sensitivity and care in our use of the language but our approach to the use of language comes from many aspects of our lives and our experiences, our prejudices and biases, up bringing and even times we live in. Without paying attention to these factors and how they contribute towards shaping of our use of language, it's difficult to understand why someone might say things the way they say. 

I have lived in many countries. I was brought up in a South Asian culture, studied in an European country and lived in two North American countries. Each has their own way of using language and also just because it's considered politically incorrect in one country does not mean that it is in another. So we have to give ourselves a little room. Living in America currently feels like it's going through identity crisis. I lived in Canada before and before that in the UK. I'd say the English are pretty good at being politically correct but yet they have puns and wit that in some ways scratch at being totally politically correct. The Canadians are pretty good at being politically correct but sometimes nothing gets done. Cause everyone is concerned about making everyone happy and at ease. Sometimes it's so annoying that you cannot call a spade a spade. So there is waste of time and resources trying to be nice. I used to think Americans were pretty forward and expressive. But now that is being debated....

I mean there has to be a better way...a middle way of being able to say what you have to say but also do in a way that shows some sensitivity but also not so much as to lose the message. I mean I once worked with this student who had a bad attitude. She wasn't good at reading and therefore had a hard time doing her math. I recognized that after a couple of sessions with her. But what made things worse was her attitude. Perhaps she knew she was lagging behind but she was a difficult student. So after a few weeks I raised that with her tutors. Their response was to affirm what I had felt. But for some reason their way of addressing this issue was to make her a leader to a group of younger students to help her build her self esteem. It did not seem that they spoke to her about her struggles. Her attitude got worse as time went on and I refused to work with her at the end. 

To me it seemed crazy to not address the issue head on. I mean what's wrong with that. If someone is struggling isn't it because they don't know what's happening? Or may be they but they don't know what to do about it? This girls was only 7 years old. I think this was an opportunity missed.

Being politically correct shouldn't mean that we fail to address what needs to be addressed and tell what needs to be told. For heaven's sake what if the doctors don't tell us that we have cancer or we are dying...instead sugar coat it to make us feel better in our heads...then one fine day we get worse and we realize that we are about to go and there is a truck load of unfinished business. Think about the flip side too...

Today I saw on a FB post a thing called an "Up Syndrome". I was curious. So I read through the post. It was written by a mother who has had a baby with downs syndrome. But apparently now its called Up Syndrome...apparently it's feels not very good to to call it "DOWN' so now they call it "UP'. I felt that was a joke. I mean who are we trying to fool...ourselves? the child? the society? Or are we to lessen the hurt, the fear or the insecurity of having a child with 'Downs Syndrome". Is it going to take way the mental and physical challenges that life will pose on that child and it's caretakers? I don't get it..I really didn't think it was a good thing.

In some ways it's same with death. We now call funerals 'celebrations' and death as 'passing'. Why can't we use the proper term for it? What do we have lose? Or are we scared to face the truth? Are we sacred to face our own fears and inability to face the reality of things? I ask that in terms of all other stories I wrote here. 

Somewhere we need to stop this ridiculous way of being. I think deep down there is a fear and an inability accept these challenges of life that we face from time to time. I think our way of trying to lessen the sting is to give it a positive twist. It's like doing plastic surgery or botox. For a while, we might look good on the outside...but is that going to stop or slow the aging process? No. Then one fine day we look ourselves in the mirror and won't even recognize ourselves...because there will come the day when we won't be able to keep up with the surgeries and the injections and we will look deformed. 

Instead what's wrong with calling it what it is..yes it might hurt and it might not feel good. But learn to recognize that. Find away to work with yourselves to ease the pain in our heart and mind. The constant yapping that makes you want to change things from what they are, the nagging feeling that somehow things should be different. Sometimes no matter how much we fluff the terminology, it will not take away the pain and the hurt and the inadequacies that come along with it. It will not stop you from going to dark parts of your mind. 

I remember in Harry Potter, everyone was calling Voldemort  "He Who Must Not Be Named"...when Harry says the actual name they hush him. But Professor Dumbledore, I think it was, says that not uttering what you fear increases the fear of it even further. I think there is great wisdom in that. Then as the fear increases you are unable to do much about it. Its the fear that will rule you. So I think we owe it to ourselves to look at how we use language. Are we using it to runaway from difficult and challenging situations? Why do we need to sugar coat things? Is it for whose benefit? Ours or others? I think there has to be this kind of scrutiny...if not we are going to grope in the dark for long periods of time. That would be a sad thing. If we don't scrutiny these patterns we will also increase our chances of becoming mentally imbalanced...a world where we don't know what is and what is not. What is sad is that at some point we won't need anyone else to do that to us it will be done by ourselves. 

The Dhamma is a way out of the peril....dhamma invites and encourages one to look at things the way they are and find ways to accept them. Accepting doesn't mean being passive. In fact it is one of the most active states I have experienced. Acceptance as I know now, is not a 'Choice-less' activity. In fact you fully exert your right to have a choice. It also comes with great understanding and kindness instead of rejection or denial. When these things come together no matter how challenging the situation is or circumstances are we find a way. A way to see the ugly as ugly, the unpleasant as unpleasant, sad as sad, death as death, sickness as sickness, stupidity as stupidity. Instead of this making us feel helpless or vulnerable and victimized, this acceptance will make us feel empowered, we will find a sense of peace and security.  

I think we mustn't use language as a curtain to hide behind our challenges. It shouldn't be used as a means to lessen the sting. Because language is an external thing for most of us (at least that who we might perceive..away to communicate with the outside world). But we also use language internally. It is the same way we talk to ourselves. So why train ourselves to sugar coat things? If we do it externally there will come a day when we will sugar coat things internally. The results will be a disconnect with reality. No matter how much we sugar coat reality, it will still remain reality and we will have to face the brunt of it. Then what? Use drugs to escape reality? 

I think it's time we took a good look at ourselves and how we shape the world we live in...especially for the young ones.