During my time working with hospice patients and their journey towards their death has made me realise that dying isn't as easy as we think it is or would like it to be, even if its under the most normal circumstances like old age. I think we need to be attentive to death as much as we are attentive to life. For Even though we think death happens in an instant...it does not. Its a process, a journey like any other thing in our life.
The most recent death of a family member I experienced was of one of my uncles. He died of cancer about two years ago. It was a painful process. The cancer not only killed his body but also infected his mind. He was for the most part lived in fear, not wanting to know the truth but suffering nevertheless.His attitude towards his last few months of his life along with those who were close to him demonstrated an inability to face the reality, wanting to believe in the unseen and lack of care.
One of my patients recently died of old age. It was a prolonged process and she had many difficulties. The last memory I had of her was totally drugged and sitting in a wheelchair because she had had a fall two days before and she died a day later. But Patricia was a beautiful woman until she succumbed to her illnesses. I had never seen her angry or without a smile on her face. She was always grateful. I used to take hot chocolate to her and she would drink it like a child. She wanted to talk whenever I went in. She even apologised for not being able to. Even though so wasn't well off physically until the very last weeks of her life she remained as sweet as I first met her.
Then there is Loise. She is always resentful, angry and complaining. She is declining rapidly and she has lost her energy to be angry. She is now very unhappy.
Another patient is going to be 100 years old in a very short time. I have never seen a more beautiful person of 99 years. Her skin is smooth and white just as her hair. She is full of life and laughter and jokes. She is the only patient that makes me laugh when I visit her. She says she is ready to die and I believe her. When I visited her last, she was down with a terrible cough and she wasn't very happy. She said, "God does not want me" and I had to sooth her by saying that "God does want her and that He is here right in her heart". She is also short of hearing so I'm not sure how comforting my words were to her.
All the people I met lived in nursing homes under the care of others. Their loved ones if able visited them everyday or once a week or even fewer occasions. But all of my patients missed them, talked about them, reminisced about their past, the good times and some bad. To all of them my weekly visits broke the monotony of nursing home life.
Seeing these people, who have lived a good 70-80-90 years, makes me wonder whether they ever thought of the journey towards the latter part of their lives. In their rooms are photos of their younger years, looking beautiful, with their children and grandchildren. But I only see them as memories and so do they. Being old and dying isn't easy.
It made me think of my own mortality. I turned 40 earlier this year, so basically I have, if I am lucky about 30 years more to go. I wonder what my last years, days and moments would be like. Will I look back at my past, will I be at ease, sad, unhappy, miserable, angry? Will I be alone in a nursing home or in a hospital in the care of people I have never met. Will I be frightened?
I really don't know.
But one thing I know for sure is that I will strive to make peace with more things in my life than fight with them. If there is anything that my experiences with my hospice patients have taught me, it is that there is a great chance that you will be alone at some point or another in your life. You may not have those whom you have loved with you and they may not be able to be at your side when you need them to. You may not be able to do things on your own and will have to depend on total strangers. Your body might fail your completely. But through it all if you chose to fight and struggle to get what you want because thats what you have had most of your life, then your last years, months or days can be a struggle as well. But you cannot teach kindness, love, patience, peace when your body is breaking down, when you cannot see your loved ones or visit them as you wish to, when you have to trust some total strangers to give your painkillers at the right time, or your medicine for your cough.
These qualities have to be developed when we are able. But this is not something we do or learn in our younger years. Yes we are taught to be kind, generous say our "P" and "Q"s and so one, but when it comes down to it some of these things fly out of the window, just because we can exert our will power and have our own way. Or our money or our positions and physical abilities.
So my lessons to myself is to learn to be kind, compassion, grateful, trusting now. Now when I can exert my will power to get what I want, even when the world is not giving it to me. A little bit of letting go of my need to get what I want the way I want to by will fully changing the conditions around me just because I can. I hope these skills not only help me in my last moments but let me liove more peaceful and harmonious life in my younger years.
