Kamma

One of the key tenets of Buddhism is Kamma. Basically it's consequences of your actions, words and thoughts. Yes, each of these forms can reap consequences. Last night at the meditation group sitting, we had a discussion about Kamma. Kamma is not something you can wrap your head around with ease....in fact the Buddha had specifically said not to try to figure it out, because it is not within our capabilities. It was interesting listening to different opinions and views of people about Kamma. No one could put a finger to it but they were trying anyway. 

I think there is a controller in all of us. We would like to know wouldn't we? One of the meditators said, he thought of Kamma as a formula. From the way he expressed himself I gathered that he felt there should be direct consequences for actions. But also felt that depending on the severity of what he did, the consequences ought to change accordingly in its severity also. It was interesting to listen to. At the end he said that he would like to see it as a law but probably he should not do that, because he could not arrive at a conclusion as to how to figure out the possible consequences he might have to face for the things he had said and done in the past. He felt it was not as straightforward as how a law would be carried out and punishments dealt out. 

First of all I want to be very clear about something. Nowhere in Buddhism there is a concept of punishment. We can never be subject to punishment cause there is no one to carry it out. The ownership is on the individual. So worse we can do is, have guilt and resentment for our past and fear and apprehension for the future. The Buddha did not encourage either of those behaviors. In Buddism, anything is forgivable and should be, to ease our own burdens. Then the other thing is that Kamma is a law. But it's not a law written by someone or proclaimed by someone. The Buddha simply stated what was there in nature. He simply noticed how things unfolded and told us that it was there. He did not invent it. 

So if Kamma is the law of nature, then trying to figure it out does not make sense, cause none of us has been able to make sense of nature. Why things happen the way they happen, when and where and how often. It's not yet within our grasp. I felt the same about Kamma. It is a law and we are subjected to it but we don't know the rules. I find that fascinating. Something Ajhan Brahm always says is "relax, everything is out of control". I feel how profound his statement is considering what I recognized. 

We all want to know. So we would like to believe that Kamma happens in a predictable way. If we could think like this, we could come to a place where we can see what we might and might not face in our own lives now and in the future. Wouldn't that be comforting? I realize that like everything else, the ego needs support, a sense of predictability so that it can have a sense of continuity in the safest way possible. But this cannot happen. Because Kamma cannot be easily explained or projected. But the human mind would want to somehow figure it out. Its the nature of all living being.

I realized the gentlemen who was voicing his frustrations probably didn't know or recognized any of this. But I was really looking at myself. I like to know things and feel that things are somewhat predictable...if they cannot be predicted I'd like to, at least, have the sense that things are going to be okay. If there are warning signs I immediately take remedial action. I felt Kamma posed a similar challenge. But it's not something I can figure out no matter how scary, frustrated I feel about it. It's truly not within our control.

Then I realized that in it, is our lesson from the Buddha. Because we cannot predict and explain why and why not things happen, when they happen and all that, we at some point ought to drop if off of our minds. Just like Ajhan says. 

Now I have a trip coming up. I am going to practice this as much as I can without having to be crazy about having things so perfectly in the best  possible way. Today morning I felt a little tingling sensation in my back and I could immediately see my red lights going off. The projects of my mind as to how to handle a back problem. But nothing has even begun. But this is how it is. 

Trying to live in the moment with a sense of ease without having everything figured out is something that I have been trying for sometime. Like all other things, it comes and goes. There are times that I can drop it and get on with ease and there other times that I cannot and simply become a ball of knots. Now that what has been in my awareness and thoughts are written out and elaborated I hope my mind will find it easier to drop things off and rest in peace. 

Fear is all consuming

It was only a few weeks ago that the Paris terrorist attacks happened. It was awful. In the wake of it, people continue to go about their business but in fear. Soon after the attacks, the media spread quite a lot of fear in their coverage of the news. It was like putting fuel into a roaring fire. I was angered at the attacks and wanted revenge upon those who would carry out such a violent act of crime. At first I let my emotions and the anger and fear let out by people wash over me. I can see my anger flaring and my thirst for revenge in the form of justice and freedom take over my heart. 

Then after a few days I calmed down. I began to ponder over the events and what would happen if I too became that fuel in the fire. Then I started to recognize that there is only one way we can come out of such a tragedy no matter where it happens. That way is through love and endurance. I recognized that if we are to take a path other than love and endurance we simply become what we want to eradicate. In the name of justice we become the perpetrators. That to me was not an option. I hope those who read my blog would recognize the nature of our deepest desires and not let emotions overwhelm them. Not let our logic dictates to us to do the very thing that we seek to destroy. Instead to look into our hearts and love and endure as we should do in the name of being a "Human".

Fear is a powerful weapon. But one that is like a double-edged sword. It has the power to destroy both sides. But fear is also what has kept us alive and on top of the food chain for eons. Its a primitive force that seeks to survive even at its own peril. It is also an illusion. But it can gather so much momentum that it always takes its own form. Therefore the fact that its an illusion tends to lose its argument pretty fast. But over the years in meditation I have found out that it is an illusion. But one that has so much power that it can take complete possess of our very being and drive us to do things unimaginable. 

Fear also gives rise to emotions such as anger, revenge, jealousy, resentment, hatred. Fear arises when one feels a sense of threat to ones self and sense of well-being. But fear is a response to an object-internal or external. I will call it a defense mechanism. It has a sense of logic to it. It seems rational but its like a mirage. Promises a lot but cannot deliver cause it has no existence other than in how we respond to it. 

I am always amazed at this. Even though I know, vaguely I might say, that this is true, my actions and words at times can be completely under its tight grip. 

Every terrorist is under the grip of fear. It is fear that makes us want to impose ourselves over others, oppressing others. This is not only in terrorists. If we are honest within ourselves there is a little of this in each one of us. We want to conquer and leave our mark, no matter how big or small. If this is threatened we will fight for it. This is the very simple explanation I can see for all terror activities whether its the Paris attacks or a husband beating his wife. At the bottom of it is fear of not being able to stay in control. 

After the attacks, the news media and social media and every other person was also in the grip of fear. It was fulled by speculation and fact. But at the end of the day people were driven into the arms of fear. When we are in fear, we will lose all sense. We only see it as a fight or flight response. In this day and age, only a few will seek to flight. We will find ways to fight it one way or another. The more we have the intention to fight, the more we will. When one fights it triggers a response similar to that in the other person,  unless that other person is in a deeply spiritual place. So the chain effect unfolds. This is why I recognized that we cannot fight this with more anger and more fear. There has to be a point when we let it go. 

When fear is no more, we can breath. Our backs are no longer to the wall and we don't feel like we have to fight and go out with all guns blazing. It is only at such a time that we can love and endure. I believe Ghandis' doctrine was something similar. It will take much more effort to love and endure. It certainly is not the quick and easy way out. But it is the only sure way out. In a world where we are so driven by 'quick and fast', enduring and love seem like a crazy idea. It is also our nemesis. Because the more we see it as crazy and the more we cannot endure the more we can be driven to the point of violence in ourselves. 

This is what the terrorist hope for. They want us to fight back. Without that they will with time lose momentum. They will lose their fame and following. But it will take time. However that will be the sure path. If we succumb to their fighting with more fighting, then we hand them over free reins to what they do. They then will have a real cause to fight for. I don't think we should do that. For the our sake and for the sake of the well being of all of us and the future of this world. 

I hope leaders in this world will see this and will be in a place to tell their people the right path to take. More than that my hope is each one of us will see the trap this can create for our long term well being and allow themselves the freedom to love and endure.

Seasons of my body

I love the changing seasons. It's something to look forward to. A change in the scenery. My favorite seasons are fall and winter. Fall colors are magnificent. So is the cool air that comes with it. Winter is pure. I love snow and how it makes everything looks so clean. I was driving to work one day, admiring the myriad of fall colors, when it hit me that life too has its own seasons. I was really looking at myself. 

I turned 40 this year. I certainly feel the youth in me fading away slowly but surely. My body is losing its flexibility. Flexibility to bounce back into shape quickly, to recover from illness: aches and pains are more pronounced than I can remember, digestion has slowed down incredibly. I feel that my body has entered its fall season. To be honest, my body has not been shy about showing signs of the aging process. My mind has struggled with it quite a lot. During the last few years I have had a number of chronic ailments, in addition to all the other issues. My mind is struggling to deal with it. I find myself questioning, "why do I get so much illness when I am still young?" I suppose one never comes to terms with ones aging process?! I don't know. Only time will show me.

But on this day as I was driving the feeling that I got was very strong. I realized that my body is going through it's seasons. It's definitely entered it's fall. Then I realized how much I loved fall and winter. I love the change in the air from warm to cool...there is a crispness that I love in fall air. Then the leaves turn color. Boy do I love that! Then the winds blow the leaves and the rains wash it. That day all that seemed very much related to what my body seem to be going through. 

I feel a slowing down...a cooling down in my body. Strength is withering away so is health. Bodily process are slowing and cooling down. But I am fighting it. I don't feel that this is something enjoyable. I find it an inconvenience. But why? I asked myself that day. I love fall so much. Even though it seems beautiful, the colors of the leaves symbolizes a dying process. The leaves have lost its ability to absorb light to keep it green. So its decaying. That process gives rise to myriad of colors we see in fall. And I cherish it and wait for it year after year. But for some reason I do not seem to accept my bodies changes with such gladness in my heart.

It's hard for me to write this blog. As I am writing, I am also crying. There is pain. Sadness of losing something. Of not being able to do the things that I have once done and the way I have done them and the frequency with which I have done them. I find that I despise this process within me. But as I was driving that day, I knew it was no different to fall. It's the changing nature of life. Nature moves and it goes on and on bringing with it a change, a new phase. The definition we give to it, defines how we feel about it. I love winter but most people here dislike it very much. I find winter to be pure and clean while others see it as cold and dark. So our perceptions will determine how we react to seasons. 

In the world we live in, aging isn't looked as well. All signs of aging is hidden and denied. We no loner live in a world where aging is embraced as part of life. Perhaps my struggles stem from it. I do not know but I know the difficulties is presents, are not that fun to embrace. But then I realized that this is part of life and life is nature. If I love fall and embrace it so fully, should I not do the same with my body? 

For me, old age and death resembles winter. Once again I am forced to question my struggles with it. I love winter. But I see that in the depths of my heart there is resentment and fear towards old age and death. There is something mysterious about it that I find myself fearing. Once again I compared my body to nature. Winter is a time when all seem to stop. It's cold and dark and devoid of life. But is it really? When I look at winter, I feel a sense of rejoicing. It's a celebration. I have always felt that way. Winter paves way to new life; spring. While it looks devoid of life, life itself carries on even in the thick of winters. It's dormant and may not seem so out there but it still continues in a very quiet, resilient way.

When I looked at my body and the aging and dying process, I realized that nothing ever stops completely. My body will age and die someday....but the mind, the thinking energy will carry on. In physics we learn that energy never disappears but rather transforms itself to a new way of existence. I, for some reason, feel that this is true. We need enormous amount of energy to live and to do what we do on a day to day basis. Our thoughts dictate our behaviors. Our thoughts are waves of energy in the absence of a body. So even in death, it has to continue. It can be nullified by an energy force equal to its force but charged with an opposite energy. 

So, getting old and dying are mere terms we use to make sense of the world we live in and what happens to us. But in truth we continue. I will not continue as 'Anosha' because it's attached to a physical existence but I will continue as am energy form, with no definition and name until it takes form again. 

Why must I fear that? I wish I knew. But I know in the depths of me there is a fear of loss. When I really think about it, I find that I am scared of losing myself. Not being able to know and exist the way I know now. In the form of 'Anosha' and a 'good' version of it. 

This is where I end my blog. I have no answers to my own questions. My blog is a mere elaboration of my own thinking and feelings. I do not know how to make sense of it yet. But it feels enormously good to have written down my thoughts. It's now December and this has been in my mind for almost two months and finally I pen it down. Maybe someday it will all make sense but for now I will leave my worries and fears out in my blog.