Living an awakened life

Last night Sen. John Mccain died. I remember him well because he ran for president against Barack Obama. It was amazing to see him stand up to a supporter at a town hall meeting during his campaign and defend his opponent, when she (the supporter) said Obama was an Arab. His speech at the end calling his supporters to embrace Obama as their President was admirable. I think the US has depended on such decency from their politicians and to some degree had taken it for granted. I think we as humans depend on basic human decency towards one another. If not towards others, we expect that one would hold oneself with decency and honor, just because.

But we live in times when decency and honor are just feel good words. They are quickly becoming things of the past. At least it seems that way to me. I am not only talking about US politics or politics in the world of any kind. I am talking about how we are losing such core qualities that make us rise above ourselves to something greater. It happens in every strata of life and society and institution. We hear how Catholic priests have abused thousands of children and how they have continued to go on being members of the clergy and how such individuals have been protected by other members of the clergy. We hear about corporate executives putting their need to fill the pockets at the expense of the their customers financial well-being. We hear much these days about how basic human decency and honor is put on the back burner where money, fame, power is concerned. 

It is easy to look at what others do and don't do and engage in blame and criticism. I think this is part of the problem. We somehow think that we are separate from those we think live without decency and honor. But instead we ought to take long hard look at ourselves and how we live our lives and what we propagate and if our lives are lived with decency and honor. 

It's hard to switch on the TV and not see constant criticism of Donald Trump and his behavior. Yes of course he is all that and perhaps more. I don't know him personally so I cannot speak about him. But what I see is constant criticism of the guy. Now maybe he is all that....but the fact that we somehow see that he is separate from us is a funny thing to me. I mean after all, almost half the people who voted, elected him as the President right? And while the other half might taken their hands off and say they did not elect him, I think they are just as responsible for electing him as those who voted. Then what about those who never even voted?! It's like watching a crime scene unfold. If you watch someone shoot someone and you didn't try to stop it...then you are just as responsible. May not be in the legal system but morally you are just as responsible cause you did nothing about it. Now their maybe valid reasons but the fact is that you did nothing. 

In Buddhas teachings, the five basic precepts (basic rules to live by) that we lay people (householders) are recommended to observe have two aspects to it. One is abstaining from breaking the precept but also proactively protecting it. For example, the second precept is not stealing but that is only not breaking it. The protecting part is not taking what is not given. It's much more that just not breaking it. But in this day and age people seem to just care about protecting their backsides, be it the political situation or working in the corporate world or even within families. We just scrape by so that our backs are not sitting on the fire. Or so that we don't have face the blame. We don't care about others, or we don't care that in protecting our own backsides we may have subjected another to it. We just don't seem to have much of that in us these days. And I am not saying that everyone is like this but I see enough to know that this is happening quite frequently.

The unfortunate part is not the happening of such things because it's happened for a millennia...but what is most disturbing is that some of us choose to sit on the side and cheer it or worse turn a blind eye to it. Somehow somewhere we have missed the fact that being silent can be just as bad as cheering on. It is evident in the political scene in the US. Where members of the senate, congress and all levels of government feel that being silent is OK. Or they do it for their political gain in the future. I think it's atrocious that someone like Paul Ryan can say as little as he does or nothing at all, and think he is not part of the problem and that some day he can run for president. Come on man...give me a break. But the fact is that they do it, because they believe that is it possible. Which also means that the electorate is also going to make is possible. So it goes round and round in a circle. 

It is a shame what we as humans would like to think that we stand apart from all other being because of our ability to call to a higher purpose. I think each one of us, as politicians, corporate executives, clergy, mothers, father, grandparents, friends, enemies, need to recognize that each one of us individually must call upon that higher purpose. It's not good enough to wait for a mother Theresa or a Ghandi to come our way to waken us up to a higher purpose. We each one of us must waken ourselves to that. 

Yesterday I was at a meditation retreat. The teachers said that we don't want to wake ourselves up to the realities. Either because we don't want to or because we think that being in our self induced coma is a better way to live and die. I think it was very relevant that he made that comment. For the most part, all of us life our lives in a routines. Just going through the motions and thinking that is the way to love. I assure you no matter how good that feels, it is no way to live. There is little purpose to such a life. There is no awakening of the human spirit in such a life. We are numbed to most of it and conditioned to be numbed by the rest. 

I hope we wake up. We wake up to the realities of our times - good and bad. Hope we, each of us, wake up to the potential and the goodness that lie in us. Hope we wake up to the fact that we are similar than different. That we, no matter how different we are, want only the best for ourselves and would not want that taken away from us. That we want to be loved, respected and kindness. If we can do that, and not get selfish or high-minded or victimized by our circumstances, perhaps their might be that day the collective goodness can gather enough strength to shift the world into a more awakened state. If not, at least, those who put in the effort for themselves, will find peace in their awakening. 

Humans - An Endangered Species

In the Sinhalese language 'human' is called a "Manussa'. Its a combination of two words: Mana and Ussa. The meanings being 'Mana" (mind) and "Ussa' (high). Basically a being with a higher mind. I remember my mother telling this to me. I don't remember when and where but I have never forgotten this. It was very appealing to me. It sounded good and just and fitting.

But from that time to now I have grown and seen much, heard much and experienced much. I have had time to digest much as well and see it from many different angles. But today I felt sad. It has been coming on for a while now. I was sad at humans. What we seem to have become and are becoming. I feel disappointed and sad. I feel frustration and sometime anger. I feel these towards humans. 

Today it all came together in this news that I saw on Facebook where a group of 'human men' in Sri Lanka have captured a cheetah and clobbered it to death. There were pictures of this human men taking selfies with the innocent animal they have killed. I was aghast. Beyond words at seeing the news and the pictures. My heart was broken. The last few days I was also taunted by the news and sights of children being separated from their mothers in America. Thousands of children who were crossing the border with their mothers have been separated and taken in by the authorities (human men and women) and kept in foster homes, shelters and some even in cages. The sights and sounds of children crying for their mothers was and still is heart breaking. Yes their mothers may have broken the law by crossing the border illegally. But what are the American human men and women doing? Worse than breaking a law. It's breaking apart humanity itself.

These thoughts have simmered in my mind for a few days and when I saw the pictures of the clobbered animal I felt shame. I felt shame that we as humans have stooped to such low standards. I felt frustrated that increasingly these negative behaviors are escalating irrespective of country, ethnicity and religion. I felt helpless and hopeless. Helpless in the face of unimaginable pain that we humans inflict on others; humans and animals. Helpless because I don't know what to do, where to start. Hopeless, cause I feel the ebbing of the essence being human. 

If we are of the higher mind, I question then, how can we commit such crimes against our own kind and others? If we are of the higher mind, how can we condone such acts committed by other humans? It seems there are those who hold power, those who have money and influence seem to be by standers of these acts. That for them it's simply evening news that has "nothing to with us". 

It seems that the world is losing it's humans "the higher minded" kind. Perhaps we have the form of a human but the essence of it is being lost, destroyed, forgotten. It seems it's giving way to something that I cannot or don't want to know. A cross between an animal and that of a ghost realm, an evil realm. A new kind of being that lacks any sense of morality, goodness, shame and fear of doing wrong. Certainly this new species cannot be called 'human'. 

This is why I called the blog "Humans - An Endangered Species". Now we are not threatened by anyone else other then our own. It is we who are endangering humans. If a lions doesn't roar and kills and act like a lion would you call is a lion? If a cat starts roaring and killing would you call it a cat? If a dog doesn't wag its tail and bark would you call it a dog? I'm simply asking a question. In the same way if a human cannot empathize, show love, compassion, kindness and generosity of hear would you or can you call it a human? 

I have been very fortunate in my life to have had incredible associations. Wise teachers, friends who live up to the definition of 'human' or perhaps go beyond the term. So for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Even in my despair I can think of them, hear them and meet them and know that there is that bright light that still shines in this world. I know I am a good person. That I have light in myself. But what about those who don't have this? What about those of us that cannot see such humans who embody goodness and light? What about those of us who have little light in us (and there are those). What could possibly give them hope? A sense of there is light at the end of the darkness? What happens to them? There only exposure could be the negativities and unkindness of the humans. Would they only see darkness within and without? Would they feel hopeless and helpless and the only way out is to fight and flight?

These are hard choices. The Buddha said that good associations are all of our spiritual life. That good and timely associations can lead us out of darkness and into light. But what if that choice isn't present in peoples lives? Will they go from darkness and into further darkness? I question these. 

While I feel helpless in my ability to do much to alleviate the pain of many, I realize that I can be a light by being a good and virtuous person. As I was looking at myself and asking what can I do?, I realize that it is even more important for me to put forth more effort and energy into my practice. I realize even if it's just a smile, a kind word it's better than none. So I today made a determination - yes I may not be an activist or a spokesperson or part of a club that can reach those who need...but in my own way, I can make a difference. However small it's a difference towards light and goodness. 

Reflections on ageing, sickness and death

I remember when we first moved into our new home. It was beautiful. Walls had fresh paint. Wood was shining and without scratches. All appliances were brand new and never been used. Carpets were all fluffy. It had that fresh smell. It was new and wonderful. We've lived here for five years now and you can see the deterioration. While you may say a five year old house is still pretty new...I see it. The carpets are worn, ever so slightly. Appliances used. Wooden floors have scratches from the cat running around. We've had to repair a thing or two in the house. It's no longer new. 

I feel the same about my body. In fact I was meditating when I realized that my body is the house for the mind. That house is now 43 years old. Can't believe it? Where did the time go? Or how did the time go? My childhood, youth are mere memories. Some are captured in pictures but most aren't. I feel the ageing process in the body. More aches and pains. Lines starting to appear. Hair growing white. It's no longer new. 

Isn't it funny? Sometimes I feel it's a joke. 

We are born, then raised by our parents, we struggle the first few years learning to walk and talk. Then we go to school for about 10 years, acquiring new knowledge, a language or two, skills and then trying to pass exams so we can prove to the world and ourselves that we are good at it and have the good authority to move onto bigger and better things. Some of us might go to college. I certainly did. Some of us do even more schooling for more qualifications or a masters or a PhD. Then we find, hopefully, some meaningful work, fall in love, get married, have kids and grow old to only die and leave all that behind. 

My grandparents died when I was a teenager. Apart from knowing that they died I did not, at that time, had the power to reflect on the significance of these events. One of my uncles who was around 50 also died. It was the first death of a close family member. I remember feeling so very sad and breaking down in tears. But these events happened and I moved on. I wasn't able to reflect and understand the meaning it was trying to teach me, then. I sometimes wish I had but then again I may have been to young and immature for it. But now I am able to.

My parents are in their 70s now. They are old and now I am able to reflect on this process of life, living and dying. I am at the age my mom was when I was about 14 years of age. I remember her well. A memory of course. She had had my brother 3 years previously. Sometimes I wonder if she reflected about her own brothers death, or that of her parents. I don't think so. She says this is life and while these sad events, they happen to all and you just have to keep going.

Part of me agrees with her. But part of me doesn't. I realize these things happen. But for me, now I feel, there is much to be seen and understood and reflected upon. 

When I look at my parents I now feel the ageing process within me. It's been churning ever since I was born. But like my house, it (my body) was brand new and shiny. So the newness lingered. But like my five year old house, my body no longer has that newness. It feels used. There are the scratches. Damaged parts, that require some external intervention in order for it to be put back together. A couple of years back my father-in-law died. It was not an expected death, at least at the time he died. I will die soon just like he did. He was sick but died of other causes. Perhaps the things that my body give me grief, won't be the ones that kill me. I don't know. But I know I am sick more than I was before. Death does not seem too far off for me.

Some day I will have to leave this house. Just as I will have to leave my body. It's a temporary dwelling. Even if you live in the same house for 40-50 years there comes a time when you have to go. Either because the house is falling apart or because you are no longer alive. I see the same with my body. I will have to leave it. Either because it is no longer viable for occupancy or because my life span is completed. Either way it's only a matter of time. 

Hasn't that been the case all of my life? Even when I was young, the mere youth and it's activities, simply distracted me from seeing this truth/inevitability every step of the way. When I ask my mother about these things, she says she didn't have the time to sit and think. She thinks I am not busy enough and that it why I am thinking about these things. Perhaps she is right. I mean I don't have much responsibilities to occupy me. So I have time to look and reflect and ponder. Would I want to be distracted? No I don't. I'd rather reflect on these truths. 

They are hard truths to consider and bring into the realm of acceptance. I don't want to wait precious hours, days and years in order to do that. For that time may not arrive. One of my uncles died of cancer and the latter part of his life, he was scared and sad. I don't know about what. But I know he didn't come to terms with his sickness or death. Now I have an uncle who is 85 years old and bed ridden. I will see him soon. It will be a good time for reflection too. I used to work as a hospice patient visit volunteer. Since the death of my father in law I stopped cause I just could not handle it. But I met many people relatively young and some very old, who were dying. It was one of the most humbling and profound experiences I've had. 

So I no longer can distract myself long enough to forget these realities of life. They are very real. They always were. It just took me about 38 years to even get to point of looking at them. The journey is not easy. It pains me to reflect on them. Sometimes it's frightening. But what choice do I have? 

My body is a daily, sometimes minute by minute, reminder of the deterioration process. It's hard to ignore. Perhaps if I had better health and less pain perhaps I may not be so prone to reflecting so much. But I cannot run away from my body, and nor do I want to anymore. I think it's here to teach me a vital lesson and I am trying to learn it. 

The Dhamma says the body it a mere construct of conditions that are constantly arising and ceasing away. It is not mine to be held on to with pride. It is not mine to be controlled as I deem fit. It will rise and die according to it's own trajectory. While I don't understand the true profundity of this, I to some degree see that I have little control over the body. I cannot make it be the way I want it to. I cannot make my hair blacks again (unless I color but that lasts about 4 weeks before i see the greys again), I cannot make my pain disappear, I cannot get well no matter how crippling my sickness maybe, I cannot make myself look like that 20 some year old I once was (nor do I want to). But we live in a world that puts so much emphasis and hoopla on these outwardly things. Social media is a beast that way. Things are always aligned for us to be distracted from these truths. If they are not then we do it to ourselves.

Its a shame. Our lives are so short. Its like a candle in the wind. We don't know when the next gust will blow it out. But for some reason we live with such certainty. Sometimes I look at people and wonder how they do it? I don't think I have that anymore. It used to be frightening. Feeling like the ground beneath you was about to shift any moment. But over the last couple of years that feeling has become less frightening and has less of a hold on me. In some ways it's freeing. I guess there is a mix of it all right now.

Anyways, that's it for now. I really don't even know what I was trying to write here but I knew I had to write about the process and what and how I felt about it. 

This too Shall Pass

It's an old saying. I have heard it many a times and the story behind it. I am not going to relate the story here in the blog. But instead I am going to use my own experiences from my emotional world to illustrated how I have come to understand the meaning behind it. It's a powerful tool of letting go. It is also a core teaching of the Buddha. We call is "Anicca"....changing nature of things, physical and mental. 

I am not a person to whom letting go comes easily. I tend to hang on to things. Especially the negative things. I am now referring to the emotional world. Anger, hatred are two things that I love to dwell on and relish. I don't know why. I think it's a habit pattern. But this is what I love to do. Don't get me wrong I love good things but there is a part of me that takes this slippery road over and over again. 

It hurt me for many years. But at the begging it felt electrifying. I was energized by the power of anger and hatred. It felt good to hang on to it. Fortunately for me it lasted long enough to really hurt me. I say 'fortunately' because it is the very thing that taught me to embrace letting go. Because at first I had to. I was hurting too much to hold on to it anymore without being totally consumed by it. And somewhere inside me I didn't want to be consumed. Even though letting go was hard, being consumed by the power of anger felt far worse. Fundamentally I felt I was turning to the dark side and I was scared of it. I need to feel the light so I had to let go. 

I kept doing this even when I didn't want to, even parts of me felt like I was breaking apart. For some reason, even though I felt like I was coming apart in letting go, once I fully did let go, the feeling I felt was incredible. It felt free, light and bright. MY heart was at peace. That feeling of goodness became more and more powerful inside me that it's hard to hold on to bad much longer anymore. I still don't feel like I have crossed that threshold (whatever that it is) but I now i will get there where there will be that turning point. 

So what is it that I do? To me that's most important. IF someone says something is good then I want to know how to do it. Over the years these have been my experiences.

So at first, it was sheer determination because I believed in the Dhamma and my wonderful teachers. I was lucky that I was able to associate wise people like Ajhan Vayama and Ajahn Brahm and hear direct teachings from them. I also read teachings from wise monks like Ajahn Chah and Ayya Khema. What they said felt right and good and powerful. So in the midst of my despair I decided to listen to them and do exactly what they said I ought to do. I must say it wasn't easy. I was also not able to do many of the things they said. But I learnt to forgive myself, allow myself time and space. I learnt to allow myself to make mistakes and not make me perfect and the things I did perfect to meet any standards, especially my own. This freed me. It gave my the space to change and mold myself gradually over time. I think that was the most important lessons I learned. 

In that I didn't have to be frustrated by being negative or angry or having hateful thoughts. I didn't have to forget them. I didn't have to punish myself for having bad thoughts. I learn to embrace that part of me which I think I didn't like. I learnt to like it and love it. In some ways it was a like misbehaving child. Sometimes being kind to them makes more difference than punishing them right? Punishment might make them do things while you are there but what about when you are not? They may also learn to hide and lie. I don't think any parent want that for their child. So I didn't want it inside me. 

As this was happening, it got easier for me within myself. I wasn't scared or ashamed of my own thoughts. As I learnt to watch them, become familiar with them, they started having a less of a control on me. I saw that they didn't last as long. It all came and went away at some point. I wasn't worried about timelines. I just knew at some point they will go away and that make me feel good and put me at ease. It's was that feeling that I started grabbing hold of more and more as time went by. I think I started putting more emphasis on the good that the bad started losing it's control (at least the death grip it had on me).

So when I hear this too shall pass, it makes me happy. Cause I know I will be happier with time. It's like a storm. You cannot make the storm go away but you can take shelter and wait for it to pass. 

Now I do the same with the good. It's easy now for me to hold on to the goodness. It's going to pass at some point or another. 

I think nowadays I am like a seesaw. I can see myself going up and down so many times in a matter of hours. Not even days. Go from high to low. Low to high and back again. It incredible. You might think that sounds crazy but I think not knowing it is far crazier. So it's a saying that I hold dear to my heart. It also makes my life easier. I don't feel like I have to take things so seriously all the time. I feel like I can let things be and not have to control them all the time. Cause things have a way of coming and disappearing. I don't have to take action all the time. It makes life easier and brings a sense of peace to me. 

I hope it does to you as well.

Simplicity

Today I put up a post where Winnie the poo is having a dialogue with Piglet. The conversation goes, "What day is it?", Piglet says "It's today", to which Poo says, "My favorite day." I had posted this a few years back on FB and it popped up today and I re-posted saying "Ahh...beauty of simplicity". One of my friends made a comment. She said "how and why did our lives get so complicated?"

That made me think. It was a valid question and I did answer it in short. But I wanted to blog about it cause it lingered in my mind. I do believe things have become complicated, from the time I was a child to now. It's not just becausee I am older but the times have changed. But does that necessarily have to be complicated? I don't think so.

I think part of our complications stem from excessive need to have and to control. I think for most of us it's not even something to be questioned. We are raised to want and to control, to put it bluntly. I mean when we are young, we need to grow up, look good, get a good education, have a career, get married, have a family, a house, car and nice vacations and the list goes on and on. So we are taught to want. Then when things don't go the way we want them to, we are required to find a way to bring them back to alignment with what we want. If our grades are not good, we get a tutor. If our school is not good we go to a new school. If we don't look good, we put make up or get constructive surgery. If we don't like our partners we find new ones and on and on and on...so we are asked to and trained to maneuver variables so that we can get what we want. But does it always work like that? 

Not really.

I was once such a person. I had plans and goals. I was determined to achieve them. Most of my goals and plans were around getting a very good education, getting a high paying job that would allow me to rise through the ranks well enough to earn lots of money. A house...not a husband but a house where I can live luxuriously. And the ability to travel and spend time doing what I'd like to in my spare time. It was ambitious. I don't think I started out in those exact terms but as I moved on in my life that's how it took shape. I was energized, motivated and felt fully in control. It was a good feeling to have. When it wasn't like that I was in total despair. My mothers has those stories where when things didn't go my way, how frustrated and angered I was. I remember some of it but forgotten most.

But it didn't last for much long. In the first few years of my thirties it all came to a gradual stop. I was incredibly sad and frustrated yet again. All the planning and controlling to make things better didn't work life that any more. Partly it was because I couldn't make plans anymore. Most things that felt out of place were within my  own heart. I was good at pushing and shoving things outside of me to get what I wanted. But there came a time, I couldn't do that anymore. I don't think I was less skilled. But somehow I was not able to. That caused me to swell up, in anger, frustration, sadness. None of those feelings I could control and move around to make myself feel better. I think I exploded within myself many a times. I was barely able to hang in.

But with time things started to change. Partly because I was able to learn to handle my emotional world a little bit better. As my emotional world started to spin a little less fast, things started to settle and a new horizon appeared. 

In it was much more light and ease. I had little plans now, and goals to achieve. No set timelines whatsoever. In fact it was like a free fall. Quite nice. I think I am still in it. Now I refuse to make things complicated for myself. I am very aware of my emotional world. It's the start of all complications. It's hard to notice for most of us unless it's fully charged. But I have had lost of time for myself to slow down and with that allow myself a glimpse of the early starts of my emotions. Now when I feel the itch, I know to look at it directly. Instead of launching myself into a crazy scratching frenzy, I can be with it until the urge it manageable. I am using it as an analogy for emotions. So I catch myself early enough (not at all times but good enough), so that I don't act and speak on it. It's the outcomes of our complicated emotional world that leads to complications outside. Then it's like a chain reaction. You are always chasing the tail and there is not end to it.

So simplicity is a choice. It's not a privilege that some of us have as a result of money, power or status or lack of it. It's a simple choice. What do we want? and what are we willing to sacrifice for it? That equations goes in both directions. If what I want is going to sacrifice my peace of mind, time for quiet contemplation or if it leads to restlessness, crazy planning then I go back to what I want and adjust my needs. It's as simple as that. We cannot ask for simplicity by asking for everything we crave for. It's like asking to lose weight and also wanting to eat sugary food everyday and not exercise. It just won't happen. It's the same with life.

We need to adjust somewhere. Either we adjust at the want level or we adjust at the outcome level. Either way we will have to change quite a number of deeply rooted beliefs in our lives. It's those beliefs that drive us to lose simplicity. 

So if you want simplicity, look at what you want. Also look at what it will have as outcomes. Not just the good but also the bad. Look and investigate both. Then make a choice. If your choice leads to complications then you might have to go back and adjust your wants/needs. Unfortunately life doesn't always allow us to go back and fine tune things. But it teaches us a forward lesson. Then we can use that to understand our wants/needs in the future. It has to come from a clear and understood experience otherwise you will follow the same old pattern and end up with more complications.

But what I wanted to stress it that simplicity of life is a choice. We have many choices at any given point in time. We need to be fully aware and honest about why and how we chose them and what the outcomes are. At least that's what I have learnt up to now. 

Cartoons and the moving mind

In the Dhamma, the mind is said to be forever moving. It's only when it's absorbed in Samadhi or Jhana that it stays still to see what's going in in there. Otherwise there is too much movement that we cannot see what's in it. The Buddha compared it to a lake with many ripples. It's hard to see the bottom of the lake when it's moving but when it's still you can get to see the bottom. I remember this analogy from an earlier time when I was visiting Jasper. We got up early to go kayaking in one of the lakes and it was so still that you can see the very bottom of the lake. But the next day it was windy and the waves were constant that it was hard to see what's on the bottom.

Also this movement in the mind makes it look as if it is continuous. That feeling of continuity leads us to believe there is something constant or permanent. I kind of got a feeling a few days ago about it. The first thought that came to my mind is cartoon movies. I love cartoons movies. I used to watch disney all the time and may others. I remember watching a documentary about how cartons films are made. It takes thousands of drawings to make one single movement. Then they move it along so fast that when we see it, it's mickey raising it's hand. But we see as one single movement, not thousands of drawings put together. It's fascinating but also unless you know what's happening you really don't know the amount of work, effort and time it takes to create one single film. 

I realized that in some ways out mind works the same. One single thought it created of many thousands of small ones coming together so fast that we only notice the thought. That is if we are very mindful and trained at noticing our thoughts. Usually we only feel our moods and impulses to do and not to do something. Some of us only notice the words that come out of our mouth and and the physical actions we take. But what brings them about remain elusive for most of us for most of our lives. 

To understand why we do what we do and say the things we say, we need to notice our moods, our thoughts as much as we are able. But because we are constantly engaged with the world in doing something or the other, we really don't have time to notice it. Even if we do, we may see it's here and there but not the individual components that contribute to them.

Our deep seeded intentions, at least from what I understand, are very deep and for the most part want to say deep and hidden. I think partly because we want to have a belief that what we see is real and who we are with is real and what I am is real. If not it might become paralyzing. Or might it? 

How would it be to see my body and mind as a cartoon film. Made of of individual drawings, one seemingly different from another but not quite. And that the whole picture we see is a result of these different but similar drawings, nicely aligned and moving so fast that it makes us feel and believe that there is a body and a mind that is solid and real?

This is what came to my mind two mornings ago as I was sitting for meditation. It was a day where my mind was everywhere at the same time. At least it felt like it. So I resolved to just questioning why? and seeing how fast one thought moved to another but I couldn't' really see how it got from point A to Z. It was then the cartoon film came to my mind. As it happened, at least at that time, it made perfect sense. I felt I calming as soon as that happened. So I allowed myself to think on those lines. That's when all the things I wrote about came out.

But that does not mean I can see the bottom of my mind. I cannot. But it was interesting to see it this way. I was amazed and it made sense to me. It somehow brought together the Buddha's teachings and it's truth. I have been wanting to write it since in case I forgot. But luckily I haven't and I have thought about it many times since. So here I am writing it down finally. 

Patient Endurance

My father had surgery yet again today. Last few weeks leading up to it has been tough for me. Partly because of all the turbulence among family members around the whole illness and the other from the awful state of mind of my mother. It been like that for many months in some form or the other. I feel hurt, wounded, let down, disappointed and even down right angry over the incidents. I don't have answers to my questions and the restlessness I feel at times. I wish I could talk to someone who can help me guide my thoughts or shine some clarity on them. 

So a few days ago I was browsing my book collection from Dhamma teachers and I felt like reading a book by Ajahn Anan. It was a small book so I knew I was going to be diligent about reading it. Anything was good. As I read through the first few pages, I felt a sense of relief. If nothing else it has made my incessant thoughts stop in their tracks from time to time and that is a tremendous relief. Sometimes I feel such gratitude for these teachers who have left their teachings published so that people like me from time to time can find some mental comfort and clarity.

The phrase "patient endurance" was in one of the early chapters. Apparently according to the Buddha the only incinerator of defilements is patient endurance. The moment I saw it I knew it. I even recalled hearing about it. I also noted that Ajahn Brahm says the same thing all the time using different words. Defilements are unwholesome thoughts, which if not taken care of, lead to unwholesome words and actions. Patient endurance is staying through with these defilements until such time they leave you. One might wonder why patiently wait through something that's negative. Why not get rid of it? or find a distraction or even try to forget? I mean if they are not good it should be easy to do, right? Well wrong!

It's not that easy. This is my practice and personally for me getting rid of unwholesome thoughts are not easy. In fact I know through experience, it's like putting fuel into fire. Most of my negative thoughts are based in anger. So "getting rid of" is done with dislike, resentment, with aggression. So it plays right into the hands of my anger. The more I try to rid of it the worse it gets. Forgetting is impossible. It like having a scratch on your bum and you sit hoping it will go away. A joke! Finding a distraction is possible but only for a while. It buys time but then it comes back again. 

So to me patient endurance makes sense. In fact it's something I do and succeed at times. When that happens, and I actually see through something come and go in my head, it brings about tremendous, lasting relief. But it's not easy. It's not something that comes to me naturally. I have had to train myself even to get to this point and even then I find myself at a loss. It was like that during the last week or so. 

But I get what the Buddha said. But doing it and putting it into actual practice when your mind is having a hurricane is hard. 

I feels it like a storm. When a storm starts, you cannot stop it. Last year the Caribbean islands has this massive hurricane. I remember watching it's path/trajectory. It was unstoppable. Except land of course which reduced it's strength but the moment it hit warm waters it gathered speed again. So it churned like that for about a week I think creating tremendous havoc. These angry, negative thoughts are like that at times. It just comes, gathers momentum and boy does it leave a disaster or what. Luckily I am someone who very diligently observe my precepts and watches my moods. So the harm it does with actions and words is much less but inside my heart I feel torn apart.  

Fortunately when a hurricane hits, you get warnings and one can move away or move to a better shelter if you are not on high grounds or in solid buildings. But when the hurricanes of the mind hit, you have no where to run. Cause the storm is happening inside you. It's so frustrating. The only shelter I find in my heart during these times are the teachings. That's why I was hoping I could talk to a spiritual guide. But you cannot find a suitable person to talk to at your wish. So then I turn to talks and books. I don't look for other things outside of the teachings because I know and trust these teachings and they have brought me great comfort and relief over the years through some of my most difficult times. It's works the best for me, even better than talking to a friend. Talking to my husband helps cause he understands where I'm coming from and he too gets the teachings. 

So patient endurance it like having a solid building on high ground to take shelter when hurricanes of the mind hits you. But my patient endurance isn't that strong and not yet on high enough grounds. So I get wet, water seeps in, it gets cold and dark in my heart. Fear creeps in. Doubts about if I am going to make it through alive with my sanity intact come in. I am drenched, exhausted and frightened. Just because my heart doesn't have a strong, elevated space to take shelter in.

But that doesn't mean that I cannot build that space in my heart. If there is anything worth trying for and investing in, it is the time and effort building that space in my heart. Even though wobbly at times and not on high enough grounds it still shelter me somewhat. I know it could be worse if I had nothing. I know it, I truly trust the words of the Buddha somewhere deep within. But that trust alone isn't going to create that space. I have to put in the work day in day out. So I have resolved to practicing patient endurance when there is nothing for me to do. Don't me wrong, patient endurance is an active state not a passive one. It's not one for a victim. It's for someone who wants rise through the debris by digging with their own hands. But there are times we cannot do. There are times when all you can do is wait for the storm to pass without losing your mind. That time and space is patient endurance.