My father had surgery yet again today. Last few weeks leading up to it has been tough for me. Partly because of all the turbulence among family members around the whole illness and the other from the awful state of mind of my mother. It been like that for many months in some form or the other. I feel hurt, wounded, let down, disappointed and even down right angry over the incidents. I don't have answers to my questions and the restlessness I feel at times. I wish I could talk to someone who can help me guide my thoughts or shine some clarity on them.
So a few days ago I was browsing my book collection from Dhamma teachers and I felt like reading a book by Ajahn Anan. It was a small book so I knew I was going to be diligent about reading it. Anything was good. As I read through the first few pages, I felt a sense of relief. If nothing else it has made my incessant thoughts stop in their tracks from time to time and that is a tremendous relief. Sometimes I feel such gratitude for these teachers who have left their teachings published so that people like me from time to time can find some mental comfort and clarity.
The phrase "patient endurance" was in one of the early chapters. Apparently according to the Buddha the only incinerator of defilements is patient endurance. The moment I saw it I knew it. I even recalled hearing about it. I also noted that Ajahn Brahm says the same thing all the time using different words. Defilements are unwholesome thoughts, which if not taken care of, lead to unwholesome words and actions. Patient endurance is staying through with these defilements until such time they leave you. One might wonder why patiently wait through something that's negative. Why not get rid of it? or find a distraction or even try to forget? I mean if they are not good it should be easy to do, right? Well wrong!
It's not that easy. This is my practice and personally for me getting rid of unwholesome thoughts are not easy. In fact I know through experience, it's like putting fuel into fire. Most of my negative thoughts are based in anger. So "getting rid of" is done with dislike, resentment, with aggression. So it plays right into the hands of my anger. The more I try to rid of it the worse it gets. Forgetting is impossible. It like having a scratch on your bum and you sit hoping it will go away. A joke! Finding a distraction is possible but only for a while. It buys time but then it comes back again.
So to me patient endurance makes sense. In fact it's something I do and succeed at times. When that happens, and I actually see through something come and go in my head, it brings about tremendous, lasting relief. But it's not easy. It's not something that comes to me naturally. I have had to train myself even to get to this point and even then I find myself at a loss. It was like that during the last week or so.
But I get what the Buddha said. But doing it and putting it into actual practice when your mind is having a hurricane is hard.
I feels it like a storm. When a storm starts, you cannot stop it. Last year the Caribbean islands has this massive hurricane. I remember watching it's path/trajectory. It was unstoppable. Except land of course which reduced it's strength but the moment it hit warm waters it gathered speed again. So it churned like that for about a week I think creating tremendous havoc. These angry, negative thoughts are like that at times. It just comes, gathers momentum and boy does it leave a disaster or what. Luckily I am someone who very diligently observe my precepts and watches my moods. So the harm it does with actions and words is much less but inside my heart I feel torn apart.
Fortunately when a hurricane hits, you get warnings and one can move away or move to a better shelter if you are not on high grounds or in solid buildings. But when the hurricanes of the mind hit, you have no where to run. Cause the storm is happening inside you. It's so frustrating. The only shelter I find in my heart during these times are the teachings. That's why I was hoping I could talk to a spiritual guide. But you cannot find a suitable person to talk to at your wish. So then I turn to talks and books. I don't look for other things outside of the teachings because I know and trust these teachings and they have brought me great comfort and relief over the years through some of my most difficult times. It's works the best for me, even better than talking to a friend. Talking to my husband helps cause he understands where I'm coming from and he too gets the teachings.
So patient endurance it like having a solid building on high ground to take shelter when hurricanes of the mind hits you. But my patient endurance isn't that strong and not yet on high enough grounds. So I get wet, water seeps in, it gets cold and dark in my heart. Fear creeps in. Doubts about if I am going to make it through alive with my sanity intact come in. I am drenched, exhausted and frightened. Just because my heart doesn't have a strong, elevated space to take shelter in.
But that doesn't mean that I cannot build that space in my heart. If there is anything worth trying for and investing in, it is the time and effort building that space in my heart. Even though wobbly at times and not on high enough grounds it still shelter me somewhat. I know it could be worse if I had nothing. I know it, I truly trust the words of the Buddha somewhere deep within. But that trust alone isn't going to create that space. I have to put in the work day in day out. So I have resolved to practicing patient endurance when there is nothing for me to do. Don't me wrong, patient endurance is an active state not a passive one. It's not one for a victim. It's for someone who wants rise through the debris by digging with their own hands. But there are times we cannot do. There are times when all you can do is wait for the storm to pass without losing your mind. That time and space is patient endurance.
