Kamma

One of the key tenets of Buddhism is Kamma. Basically it's consequences of your actions, words and thoughts. Yes, each of these forms can reap consequences. Last night at the meditation group sitting, we had a discussion about Kamma. Kamma is not something you can wrap your head around with ease....in fact the Buddha had specifically said not to try to figure it out, because it is not within our capabilities. It was interesting listening to different opinions and views of people about Kamma. No one could put a finger to it but they were trying anyway. 

I think there is a controller in all of us. We would like to know wouldn't we? One of the meditators said, he thought of Kamma as a formula. From the way he expressed himself I gathered that he felt there should be direct consequences for actions. But also felt that depending on the severity of what he did, the consequences ought to change accordingly in its severity also. It was interesting to listen to. At the end he said that he would like to see it as a law but probably he should not do that, because he could not arrive at a conclusion as to how to figure out the possible consequences he might have to face for the things he had said and done in the past. He felt it was not as straightforward as how a law would be carried out and punishments dealt out. 

First of all I want to be very clear about something. Nowhere in Buddhism there is a concept of punishment. We can never be subject to punishment cause there is no one to carry it out. The ownership is on the individual. So worse we can do is, have guilt and resentment for our past and fear and apprehension for the future. The Buddha did not encourage either of those behaviors. In Buddism, anything is forgivable and should be, to ease our own burdens. Then the other thing is that Kamma is a law. But it's not a law written by someone or proclaimed by someone. The Buddha simply stated what was there in nature. He simply noticed how things unfolded and told us that it was there. He did not invent it. 

So if Kamma is the law of nature, then trying to figure it out does not make sense, cause none of us has been able to make sense of nature. Why things happen the way they happen, when and where and how often. It's not yet within our grasp. I felt the same about Kamma. It is a law and we are subjected to it but we don't know the rules. I find that fascinating. Something Ajhan Brahm always says is "relax, everything is out of control". I feel how profound his statement is considering what I recognized. 

We all want to know. So we would like to believe that Kamma happens in a predictable way. If we could think like this, we could come to a place where we can see what we might and might not face in our own lives now and in the future. Wouldn't that be comforting? I realize that like everything else, the ego needs support, a sense of predictability so that it can have a sense of continuity in the safest way possible. But this cannot happen. Because Kamma cannot be easily explained or projected. But the human mind would want to somehow figure it out. Its the nature of all living being.

I realized the gentlemen who was voicing his frustrations probably didn't know or recognized any of this. But I was really looking at myself. I like to know things and feel that things are somewhat predictable...if they cannot be predicted I'd like to, at least, have the sense that things are going to be okay. If there are warning signs I immediately take remedial action. I felt Kamma posed a similar challenge. But it's not something I can figure out no matter how scary, frustrated I feel about it. It's truly not within our control.

Then I realized that in it, is our lesson from the Buddha. Because we cannot predict and explain why and why not things happen, when they happen and all that, we at some point ought to drop if off of our minds. Just like Ajhan says. 

Now I have a trip coming up. I am going to practice this as much as I can without having to be crazy about having things so perfectly in the best  possible way. Today morning I felt a little tingling sensation in my back and I could immediately see my red lights going off. The projects of my mind as to how to handle a back problem. But nothing has even begun. But this is how it is. 

Trying to live in the moment with a sense of ease without having everything figured out is something that I have been trying for sometime. Like all other things, it comes and goes. There are times that I can drop it and get on with ease and there other times that I cannot and simply become a ball of knots. Now that what has been in my awareness and thoughts are written out and elaborated I hope my mind will find it easier to drop things off and rest in peace. 

Fear is all consuming

It was only a few weeks ago that the Paris terrorist attacks happened. It was awful. In the wake of it, people continue to go about their business but in fear. Soon after the attacks, the media spread quite a lot of fear in their coverage of the news. It was like putting fuel into a roaring fire. I was angered at the attacks and wanted revenge upon those who would carry out such a violent act of crime. At first I let my emotions and the anger and fear let out by people wash over me. I can see my anger flaring and my thirst for revenge in the form of justice and freedom take over my heart. 

Then after a few days I calmed down. I began to ponder over the events and what would happen if I too became that fuel in the fire. Then I started to recognize that there is only one way we can come out of such a tragedy no matter where it happens. That way is through love and endurance. I recognized that if we are to take a path other than love and endurance we simply become what we want to eradicate. In the name of justice we become the perpetrators. That to me was not an option. I hope those who read my blog would recognize the nature of our deepest desires and not let emotions overwhelm them. Not let our logic dictates to us to do the very thing that we seek to destroy. Instead to look into our hearts and love and endure as we should do in the name of being a "Human".

Fear is a powerful weapon. But one that is like a double-edged sword. It has the power to destroy both sides. But fear is also what has kept us alive and on top of the food chain for eons. Its a primitive force that seeks to survive even at its own peril. It is also an illusion. But it can gather so much momentum that it always takes its own form. Therefore the fact that its an illusion tends to lose its argument pretty fast. But over the years in meditation I have found out that it is an illusion. But one that has so much power that it can take complete possess of our very being and drive us to do things unimaginable. 

Fear also gives rise to emotions such as anger, revenge, jealousy, resentment, hatred. Fear arises when one feels a sense of threat to ones self and sense of well-being. But fear is a response to an object-internal or external. I will call it a defense mechanism. It has a sense of logic to it. It seems rational but its like a mirage. Promises a lot but cannot deliver cause it has no existence other than in how we respond to it. 

I am always amazed at this. Even though I know, vaguely I might say, that this is true, my actions and words at times can be completely under its tight grip. 

Every terrorist is under the grip of fear. It is fear that makes us want to impose ourselves over others, oppressing others. This is not only in terrorists. If we are honest within ourselves there is a little of this in each one of us. We want to conquer and leave our mark, no matter how big or small. If this is threatened we will fight for it. This is the very simple explanation I can see for all terror activities whether its the Paris attacks or a husband beating his wife. At the bottom of it is fear of not being able to stay in control. 

After the attacks, the news media and social media and every other person was also in the grip of fear. It was fulled by speculation and fact. But at the end of the day people were driven into the arms of fear. When we are in fear, we will lose all sense. We only see it as a fight or flight response. In this day and age, only a few will seek to flight. We will find ways to fight it one way or another. The more we have the intention to fight, the more we will. When one fights it triggers a response similar to that in the other person,  unless that other person is in a deeply spiritual place. So the chain effect unfolds. This is why I recognized that we cannot fight this with more anger and more fear. There has to be a point when we let it go. 

When fear is no more, we can breath. Our backs are no longer to the wall and we don't feel like we have to fight and go out with all guns blazing. It is only at such a time that we can love and endure. I believe Ghandis' doctrine was something similar. It will take much more effort to love and endure. It certainly is not the quick and easy way out. But it is the only sure way out. In a world where we are so driven by 'quick and fast', enduring and love seem like a crazy idea. It is also our nemesis. Because the more we see it as crazy and the more we cannot endure the more we can be driven to the point of violence in ourselves. 

This is what the terrorist hope for. They want us to fight back. Without that they will with time lose momentum. They will lose their fame and following. But it will take time. However that will be the sure path. If we succumb to their fighting with more fighting, then we hand them over free reins to what they do. They then will have a real cause to fight for. I don't think we should do that. For the our sake and for the sake of the well being of all of us and the future of this world. 

I hope leaders in this world will see this and will be in a place to tell their people the right path to take. More than that my hope is each one of us will see the trap this can create for our long term well being and allow themselves the freedom to love and endure.

Seasons of my body

I love the changing seasons. It's something to look forward to. A change in the scenery. My favorite seasons are fall and winter. Fall colors are magnificent. So is the cool air that comes with it. Winter is pure. I love snow and how it makes everything looks so clean. I was driving to work one day, admiring the myriad of fall colors, when it hit me that life too has its own seasons. I was really looking at myself. 

I turned 40 this year. I certainly feel the youth in me fading away slowly but surely. My body is losing its flexibility. Flexibility to bounce back into shape quickly, to recover from illness: aches and pains are more pronounced than I can remember, digestion has slowed down incredibly. I feel that my body has entered its fall season. To be honest, my body has not been shy about showing signs of the aging process. My mind has struggled with it quite a lot. During the last few years I have had a number of chronic ailments, in addition to all the other issues. My mind is struggling to deal with it. I find myself questioning, "why do I get so much illness when I am still young?" I suppose one never comes to terms with ones aging process?! I don't know. Only time will show me.

But on this day as I was driving the feeling that I got was very strong. I realized that my body is going through it's seasons. It's definitely entered it's fall. Then I realized how much I loved fall and winter. I love the change in the air from warm to cool...there is a crispness that I love in fall air. Then the leaves turn color. Boy do I love that! Then the winds blow the leaves and the rains wash it. That day all that seemed very much related to what my body seem to be going through. 

I feel a slowing down...a cooling down in my body. Strength is withering away so is health. Bodily process are slowing and cooling down. But I am fighting it. I don't feel that this is something enjoyable. I find it an inconvenience. But why? I asked myself that day. I love fall so much. Even though it seems beautiful, the colors of the leaves symbolizes a dying process. The leaves have lost its ability to absorb light to keep it green. So its decaying. That process gives rise to myriad of colors we see in fall. And I cherish it and wait for it year after year. But for some reason I do not seem to accept my bodies changes with such gladness in my heart.

It's hard for me to write this blog. As I am writing, I am also crying. There is pain. Sadness of losing something. Of not being able to do the things that I have once done and the way I have done them and the frequency with which I have done them. I find that I despise this process within me. But as I was driving that day, I knew it was no different to fall. It's the changing nature of life. Nature moves and it goes on and on bringing with it a change, a new phase. The definition we give to it, defines how we feel about it. I love winter but most people here dislike it very much. I find winter to be pure and clean while others see it as cold and dark. So our perceptions will determine how we react to seasons. 

In the world we live in, aging isn't looked as well. All signs of aging is hidden and denied. We no loner live in a world where aging is embraced as part of life. Perhaps my struggles stem from it. I do not know but I know the difficulties is presents, are not that fun to embrace. But then I realized that this is part of life and life is nature. If I love fall and embrace it so fully, should I not do the same with my body? 

For me, old age and death resembles winter. Once again I am forced to question my struggles with it. I love winter. But I see that in the depths of my heart there is resentment and fear towards old age and death. There is something mysterious about it that I find myself fearing. Once again I compared my body to nature. Winter is a time when all seem to stop. It's cold and dark and devoid of life. But is it really? When I look at winter, I feel a sense of rejoicing. It's a celebration. I have always felt that way. Winter paves way to new life; spring. While it looks devoid of life, life itself carries on even in the thick of winters. It's dormant and may not seem so out there but it still continues in a very quiet, resilient way.

When I looked at my body and the aging and dying process, I realized that nothing ever stops completely. My body will age and die someday....but the mind, the thinking energy will carry on. In physics we learn that energy never disappears but rather transforms itself to a new way of existence. I, for some reason, feel that this is true. We need enormous amount of energy to live and to do what we do on a day to day basis. Our thoughts dictate our behaviors. Our thoughts are waves of energy in the absence of a body. So even in death, it has to continue. It can be nullified by an energy force equal to its force but charged with an opposite energy. 

So, getting old and dying are mere terms we use to make sense of the world we live in and what happens to us. But in truth we continue. I will not continue as 'Anosha' because it's attached to a physical existence but I will continue as am energy form, with no definition and name until it takes form again. 

Why must I fear that? I wish I knew. But I know in the depths of me there is a fear of loss. When I really think about it, I find that I am scared of losing myself. Not being able to know and exist the way I know now. In the form of 'Anosha' and a 'good' version of it. 

This is where I end my blog. I have no answers to my own questions. My blog is a mere elaboration of my own thinking and feelings. I do not know how to make sense of it yet. But it feels enormously good to have written down my thoughts. It's now December and this has been in my mind for almost two months and finally I pen it down. Maybe someday it will all make sense but for now I will leave my worries and fears out in my blog. 

Freedom

My friend Keith is still continuing to move forward in his journey, even though its at a much slower pace than before. The light is fading for sure. He seemed to have come to terms with his situation and made peace. 

He is always happy to see me. My visits seemed to be his highlight of the week. During my last visit to him I realized that he may have developed very strong feelings towards me and how I make him feel.

At the start of the visit we continued to talk as usual and at some point in our conversation he said he was sad. When I asked him why, he said because "You are taken". I can be pretty naive at times and also out of respect I did ask him to clarify his statement further. It was then that I realize he was talking about me being married. It was as if he was regretting that and also the fact that I was very much younger to him, which according to him, was a barrier for him to be with me. Now, I understand people can develop feelings for others, especially in the situation that he is in, with no family or close friends. Our friendship over the last 6 months must have become one of the most if not the only close friendship he has had with anyone in a long time. He has shared so much about his life that at times I feel like I have known him for many many years. He must have a sense close to that or he likes the fact that someone is listening and talking to him with all ears and with genuineness. He has said many times how kind I was to him.  

I am kind to people in general for the most part. It is who I am and I find it easier to be kind than otherwise. To make me unkind takes a lot of crap and even then I will simply move away rather than show my sentiments and fight. But Keith may have developed such an affiliation to it, that he may think he feels more than he ought to.

Now this is a man, who has lived freely all of his life. When I was reading his blog, I felt that he lived according to his own terms for better or for worse and that he moved with the tide for the most part and that he seemed to have little dissatisfaction in general other than when he could not get his own way. I told him how wonderful it is to live life like that. With ease and freedom. 

Then he told me about his feelings towards me. They kind of bordered on fantasy and romance and a genuine need to be loved and love. But I realized none of those sentiments it was helping him or bringing him much peace. He was obviously not happy because he wanted something he knew he could not have. 

He wanted to hold me and I let him or a while. Also I was quite confused as to what to say and do. I suppose somewhere between being held and wanting to flee, I gathered my senses. I had enough sense to tell him as gently as possible that he might be wasting his time, of which only a little remained. I also had enough recollection of our previous conversation to tell him that, it was not time for him to create a bond. He had lived his life free from any person, relationship and even death. He did tell me that he overcame of fear of death many many years ago. So in the light of all that, I told him it was not worth his while to form a bond, an attachment to me and how he feels about me. It will only imprison him. He was not prepared to come to terms with as I was saying it but I thought considering how thoughtful and deep thinking he was, he will later on ponder on it, unless of course his memory failed him. 

He was emotional. I could see how close he was to breaking down when I said, "you were simply prodding on when you met me. Then you asked me to come on a journey with you. I am and will be here but at some point you are going to have to leave me and trod along yourself". I told him that I did not want him to feel sad when that time comes. That I did not want him to feel as if he was missing something. Up to this point the only thing he has ever spoken of missing was his father who is long dead.

It was a very spontaneous conversation from my part. I had no idea he was going to put it all out there leaving me uncertain as to how to deal with him in the light of it. But considering it all, I think I told him what he needed to hear. Whether he wanted to or not was a different thing all together but I wanted him to come to terms with the fact that what he felt even though was real should not get  in his was of dying peacefully. 

The whole situation made me think of much. But mostly about how difficult it is for us to feel alone, not to be loved and even when we are loved how difficult it gets to let it go. Either way you lose. Feeling of not having someone in your corner or someone to love and have that returned is not a good feeling, but it seems neither is the opposite of it. Because both situations create our hearts to be in a prison. When there is no love, you are a prison of not being loved and having no one to love but on the other hand when you are loved you are a prisoner of being loved and having to leave someone whom you love. Isn't life an irony?! 

There must be a balance somewhere. Where irrespective of what you have and not have you can be in peace. Would that not be wonderful? I kept thinking about it but I have no answers yet. I feel it's a question to which I ought to find an answer, I think many issues within myself could be put to rest if I could only do that. 

Seeing Beyond

I have always been proud of my ability to read people. Those who know me well, will attest to that as well. But whether others agree or not, this is something I have knows about myself. My ability to recognize people for the most part very accurately, has made my life much easier and less of problems. It`s an intuitive awareness but it may have been sharpened by my studies in Psychology and later on as a result of meditative practices. 

When I look at someone I can go beyond who they are and the titles they carry. It seems to me that my awareness can rise beyond the tags we attach to people. Whether we like or not, we live most of our lives and our thinking, framed by what we are taught, we learn in our younger years, people we surround ourselves with, the bigger society we belong to and the values and labels associated with individuals. For as long as I can remember, I have gone beyond these frames. Whether it was my father, mother, relatives, siblings or friends I have had less loyalty to those definitions and values places by society and are encouraged to have by those around you, so that I can see the person. 

Let me explain myself.

In the culture I grew up in, it is impressed upon by our parents and elders and society that we respect those who are older to us. The rationality being that they have more experiences and more knowledgeable than someone younger, therefore those who are younger can benefit by listening to them and respecting what they know. I do not believe in this for my own experiences with my aunts and uncles, in my younger years, have shown that just because people are older to us by the number of years that they have lived, they are not capable of teaching the young ones of something worthy of listening and something worthy of trying to live up to. 

I saw the same with my father. Unfortunately, I had very little respect for who he was and what he stood for. For me what he told us were simply words that carried little weight. So, my nature inherently was to grow up questioning things around me. I was never cynical and to this date I am not. But I do question things and people, if what they say and do don`t match up. 

It did not matter who they were as in older or younger, or titles they held, parent, grandparent, boss, friend, I always took them for what they showed themselves as. Therefore titles, labels did very little in how I saw people and how I approached them. Therefore my relationship to most people was not congruent of the society I grew up in. Most did not like it and still don`t. Unlike in the UK, US or Canada, Asian countries seek people to confirm to the ways of thinking and expectations of society and those in it. I did little of that. The little I confirmed was because it was what I wanted. 

People did not like it much especially if it was not beneficial to them. Of course the punishments that are conferred to those who go against such norms were naturally placed upon me. But I never really felt it nor could they use them to tame me either. I once realized that how frustrated my supervisors were because of my  ability and lack of fear of standing my ground. But they did not fire me because I was good at what I was doing and I never put myself or the organizations I worked in trouble. In fact it was the opposite. 

But this ability became my own nemesis at a point of time in my life. I was good at seeing others. But that made me very judgmental. I had an attitude of being better than everyone else because I thought I could see them and that in itself became my attitude.

It was much later that I started my practice of meditation. During the last eight years of my practice I have mellowed quite a bit. I have become less judgmental. That is not to say that I cannot see beyond the labels and tags and frames of society, nor does it mean that I ignore them, but for me its a way to see things for what they are but not to get entangled in them. Its was to not fight with things but to leave them as they they and go my merry way, unless I am required to do something. 

More than any of the reasons mentioned above, the greatest is being able to see myself beyond the frames, titles, labels imposed upon myself. I realize that the reasons why I am able to observe people beyond their labels, titles is because each individual lives within a world of his or her own. If others do that then it must be same to me. I must live within my own world with its own unique labels, definitions, frames. This was the turning point for me. 

When I started investigating my own labels etc I realized that I was confirming to some of those myself. I was living in a little cell. The worst was that I was in my cell judging and laughing at others who live in their cells. What was the difference. I did not want to be living in my cell just to be an expert at understanding the other person and their little prison. Whether they marched up and down the cell in the morning or afternoon, whether the cell was big or small and all the rest...this is an analogy to explain me reading people. 

I realized that perhaps I ought to shift the focus on my cell and what I did within it. When I started doing this, to my surprise I found that I too confirm to ways and expectations of society. From what studies to do, to what college to go, to which job I did and what company I worked for, how I dressed, whether I had a boyfriend, whether I was married, what kind of a wife I was to many things....basically my entire life. I realized that there was little difference from me to the others although for a while I thought I was above most of them.

Then I started to investigate what makes us confirm to these things. It is when I started investigating the reasons as to why we want to be labelled, need to have a definition that was accepted, I played the part that was given to me, that I realized how to get over them. 

I have changed much over the years. I still pose a challenge for those around me because of my unconventional thinking and behavior but this is not purely because I am questioning every tom, dick and harry. But its because I am questioning myself. I realize that I can change and that is okay. That we need not confirm to things unless that is what I want and it makes sense to me and my own development and well being. My motives to being different is not to fan my own feathers so to speak but to bring about a sense of ease and peace within myself. 

Each one of us have expectations of our own selves. We define who we are. We give importance to certain parts of ourselves and less to other parts. We like certain things about ourselves and dislike other things. We feel comfortable with certain parts and things about ourselves and less comfortable with others. We have a need to be accepted and cherished and loved by those closer to us and by larger society. We need to receive a sense of value for our contributions. All of these things and more, are our own cells, frames and boundaries. 

When I questioned myself, I asked why must I have frames and boundaries for myself to begin with. I realize to the degree of the views, affirmations of myself to that degree I will behave and operate in. But what about what I cannot see and or don`t want to see. I realize that I must go beyond. 

The more I did this the more free I felt. This was not and still is not an easy journey for me. This also does not mean that I live in a way that is harmful to myself and others around me. Quite the opposite really. 

I have found that the more I lessen myself of these boundaries the more free I become but it also comes with a lot of accountability towards own self. Therefore I am disciplined by my own freedom..I`m sure that sounds like a contradiction but as ironic as that sounds, that is exactly what it is. I have so much accountability towards myself that I don`t waste the time I have anymore. 

I don`t work except for about 10 hours of volunteer work I do. So quite frankly I ought to be very up to date about all the reality TV shows, news, whats happening to my friends and relatives and sleeping plenty. But I don`t have time for much of it. I am busy with myself. I meditate almost everyday for an hour. I do exercise on a daily basis. I read a lot. I contemplate and watch my thoughts so that I have little time to engage in fantasies and thoughts of future and past. I spent little time grappling with things that I cannot control but wold love to have the illusion of doing so. I keep a blog. I cook very inventively. Play the piano and teach myself new songs. And when there is nothing to do, I do nothing at times and if not then I will watch some TV. 

So see beyond myself has been a revelation and a transformation. My work is not yet finished. I believe I will do so until my last breath. But I have also never felt the level of meaning of my own life and the worth of my life as I feel it now. I feel a sense of accomplishment, joy and a sense of well being I have never felt before even when I was at the peak of my career earning lost of money with praise from society and those around me. I don`t have people cheering me on from every corner and praising me what a great job I do. But I feel it in my heart from deep within. Although I won`t go as far as to say that the external acknowledgements aren`t completely important to me as of now, I find that I expect it less and in the absence of it I don`t feel sad or isolated. I feel more connected than ever before.

Again I want to state that this has been a journey of eight years and I am not finished. It`s evolving as I write my blog. Even I am curious as to how it will evolve in the future. The journey beyond myself is the most fascinating journey I have ever undertaken, it is also the most time consuming and slow journey of all, reading myself is the hardest and digging deep through self imposed and self accepted barriers is the hardest of all. But it is also the most educating, most transforming and most rewarding journey of all. I intend to continue it. 

Lessons from Cecil the Lion

A few weeks ago, Cecil the lion was killed by a hunter. Cecil was a lion in an African National park. He was shot and killed by an American recreational hunter. Cecil was 13 years old. There have been international media attention over the killing and outrage from people, conservationists and politicians all over the world. The man who killed the lion is also under heavy criticism and attack by the media and the public.

I am not a wild life conservationist but having said that I am for conserving life, period. It was indeed very sad to hear such a magnificent animal being hunted for pleasure. I do not believe in hunting anything for a sport, so yes I was greatly saddened by his death. 

But then again we live in a time where killing, whether it is for fun or for sheer anger and frustration or for mental illness, is prevalent. It also does not seem to matter whether we kill animals or human beings. Shootings in public places, schools, theaters seem to have gone up rapidly purely from what is seen in the news media. Wars erupt and bombs go off like mushrooms all over the world. Life does not seem to hold much value anymore.

This is not the first time a precious wild life animal was killed for fun or for money. Many animals are killed everyday for sport be it as small as a fish or as large as a lion. Animals are also killed for money. In the same breath, human beings are killed everyday as well. Irrespective of the reasons human beings are killed at the hands of other human beings on a daily basis.

It is wonderful that there is such an outrage towards killing of an innocent animal. We need to speak up. There is much media attention and outrage when mass destruction on human lives happen anywhere in the world through shootings or bombs or any kind of violence. But I find that like anything else, we cry out for a while and when the dust settles people get on with their normal lives, until one day something similar happens again. 

Talking about these incidents and drawing media attention alone isn`t enough. We need to take accountability towards these deaths. When we talk about accountability we usually leave it to our governments, politicians, church, or human and animal rights group...but we never stop to think, perhaps the accountability lie in each individual. Oh no...that would be too close for comfort, wouldn`t itÉ

It seems that we live in a time where we put little value on lives. Be it humans or animals or any other living being of any kind. I am sure people would want to disagree with me on this. But if we look deep within and when it comes down to it, we are good talkers and sympathizers. As long as the dead person is not mine we don`t have a need to stand up an take stance. Do something. 

It is ironic that in the US the constitution itself gives the freedom to people to bear arms for self protection, when in fact it is the single most reasons why so many human lives are destroyed every year. I understand we need to protect ourselves from danger and harm but there are many alternatives for self protection other than bearing a weapon.I have also found that in many countries wild life hunting is a sport. I personally know of someone who goes goose hunting. The justification is that, they have permits to kill them because of over population. It`s an act of balancing! We are good at waging war, in the premise, that it is to protect innocent lives. But in a war there is little time to figure out who is innocent and who is not. 

When we pardon any kind of killing of beings, we create in our mind a habit. A habit to lessen the value of lives of certain beings be it animals or humans. Who gives you the right to assign a value over someone else`s life. 

Life and living is precious to all. 

It does not matter whether it is human, a lion, a goose or a wasp. For Cecil, his life was precious. He wanted to live his life just as much as you and I want to live our lives. Then why is it that we cannot apply the same rule to all other beings. 

In the US I have seen many people grieve over their loved ones deaths over shootings. But they will not for a moment think about giving up their guns. I see Muslim women and men cry over their dead children in the war zones but yet, they themselves will carry bombs or support terrorist groups that kill others children. I see people killing animals for sport and not think how they would feel if their family dog or cat were to be hunted down. 

We need to take accountability for each of ourselves. We are good at getting together to protest a killing or a bomb but once we go home, we dare not throw away that gun in our closet. We dare not think, how would I feel if my own mother, father, child, sister, brother, wife or husband were to be killed in this mannerÉ We think very narrowly, so it serves our purpose. It gets the job done for me, so I will continue to live that way. But what we forget is that if each one of us thought that way, we will not be able to go out and about in life like the way we do. We take much for granted and until it is taken away from us we cannot fathom the danger we create in our lives and in society due to our own inaction. 

It great to mourn Cecil. It`s great to fight for the injustice of it. But let us take Ceicil away and put ourselves in front of that gun or bomb. Then what would you doÉ Do you want people to protest once the gun goes off or do you want them to do something before it doesÉ 

Digging Deep

I have been following the Bruce Jenner transforming himself to Caitlyn Jenner. I have watched it with great curiosity. Gender related issues have plagued us for as along as I have been born and even before.

I was first exposed to it, during my stint in journalism as a teenager soon after high school. But it was related to issues between men and women. Then during college I realized that there was not to it. Gay and lesbian issues were spoken about at the time. I had a lesbian lecturer who did developmental psychology. I do not remember thinking anything usual about any of it. I guess I had an open mind even at the time. Men being with women or women being with women did not put me off. I simply saw it as a relationship. Perhaps my lack of experience in intimate relationships would have led me to see things in a more neutral way. 

Exposure to transgender happened during the time when Dancing with the stars featured Chers daughter who had transformed herself into a man. The entire story was fascinating. Again I was not at all put off by it and I do not remember having strong objections to it. I felt that we need to be able to live the way we wanted without having to give in to the pressures of society. It's a belief I have held very close to my heart from a very early age. So for me gay/lesbian/transgender or whatever, it was someone expressing their right to live the way they want. As long as their way of life did not cause harm to anyone else, why should I judge them? Right?!

I felt the same when Bruce Jenner transformed himself into Caitlyn Jenner. 

I have watched the last two episodes of "I am Caitlyn". While I still support anyone's decision to live as they see fit for themselves, I feel that sometimes we get lost in the appearance of things rather than the way things truly are. 

It's great that there is much awareness being created about transgender issues and the personal struggles. I think we need to do that. But at the same time I can't help but feel that it was only yesterday that we had the same struggles about gay/lesbians, the gender issues between men and women, the struggles of blacks vs white.  

The more I look at these issues, be it women, men, black, white, Asian, gay, lesbian or transgender or any other there are some very common underlying themes that spring up. I think this is where we need to focus rather than trying to divide ourselves up as unique groups having unique needs. I think the more we do this as a society, the more we will isolate one another. The more we will feel we are different to others, when in fact we are not. 

At the end of the day, no matter what labels we want to put on ourselves we are all living human beings. All of us have a need to be seen and be heard. We have need to be respected, loved and accepted for who we are. We want to feel that we matter and that our life can make a difference in the world. These needs and emotions are common to us all. In the same way our positive and negative emotions are common to all of us as well. Pain is felt by everyone, even if their skin color is black. Happiness brings joy to all. Anger does not change its hue just because your skin is white or black or brown. Love feels the same whether you are a man, a woman, gay, lesbian or transgender.....

For me it's hard to believe that we humans possessing such a wealth of knowledge and capacities to see beyond billions of light years, cannot see what lies right inside them. We are so capable of building telescopes to see the farthest galaxies but we build walls so that we cannot see the person next to us. We build biases and prejudices so high  and thick that we cannot see human emotions in the person right next to us. Must we human reduce humanity to nothingness?

It's a shame that we cannot turn the light and cameras on what unites us rather than what makes us difference. Perhaps that will not sell enough advertisements? I don't know....but it's a tragedy that we cannot focus on what makes us similar to the extent that we can empathize with others, we can see someone else's point of view, forgive and let things be rather than fight over labels that we have put on ourselves. 

Freedom: What is it?

I had this interesting conversation with a hospice patient of mine last week. During my visit I noticed that he was not really happy. He was kind of making noises like sighing and wasn't smiling much. I have known him for a while now. He a very private guy. I waited for a long time before I decided to ask the following:

Me: Are you not happy?
He: No.
Me: Why not?
He: Because I'm not free. (I  knew the answer but I wanted him to say it)
Me: What does freedom mean to you?
He: Ability to move about. (He's bed ridden and is not allowed to go out anymore)
I waited a while before responding.
Me: To me freedom feels different...
He: Oh Yeah
Me: Yes. To me freedom is to be able to be happy and peaceful no matter what.

Then silence.

This conversation left a print on me. I could not but think about it for the rest of the day. It bothered me in many levels.

First, I felt greatly for him. He's not happy in his last days because something he had cherished for so long, his independance, is taken away from him. I don't want him to be sad but he is and there is little I can do to persuade him to be otherwise, right now. The other was, how freedom meant very different things to each of us. He felt it was his movement and I my happiness and peace. Another was how we get set in our ways of seeing ourselves, that even when the odds are against the very things we've practiced and done for long, we don't budge. We do not seem to possess an ability to shift gears, even its in our best interest. 

I realize that there is little I can do to make him happy, unless he makes up his mind to be okay with the present conditions. But I hope my continuing visits might bring about a few moments of happiness and delight. He loves coffee and doughnuts and chatting about his past experiences.

But I certainly can learn and change from the lessons I learn from him. Perhaps I might even be able to be of help to him. But my main priority is to see this for myself.

Freedom, means very different things to many people. I found that I was judging him as he responded to my question. I felt that my way of thinking about freedom would make him adjust better. I felt that if I were in his situation that my thinking might make it possible for me to cope with things much better. But later on as I began to dwell on these things deeply I realized how our views and opinions on the very same thing can be so very different. It also shapes us, biases us to think and behave and feel differently. 

For me freedom might mean being able to maintain my happiness and peace under different conditions but for him it's being able to move. Now who am I to say that is wrong? For him it is everything. His past experiences and life style has made him the man he is, thinking the thoughts he thinks, even if it's making him feel unhappy. For another freedom might mean, having a lot of money to get whatever they want. For another freedom might mean getting out of an unhappy marriage. 

At the end of the day, we will see and judge the world from our own unique vantage point. I believe, with much certainty, what I think makes sense. But I bet all others think the same way as well. Isn't that amazing?! We each have a unique world we live in, conditioned by a set of circumstances and experiences....that it feel so very real to us. To me, my world makes sense! It may not make sense to another but to me it does.

Looking at this guy I thought the same. But how do I know that my world makes sense for real. Do we have a set of values or standards that we measure our lives against? I don't know. Perhaps they have or they don't. But I know I have. But how will I know that what I measure myself against is absolute and not relative? As I'm writing this I feel that if for the most part I can maintain my happiness and peacefulness I must be measuring myself against something that makes sense. 

It's been a while since I have started meditation. The practice of meditation has lead me to see that for the most part we measure ourselves against whats around us. Our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, culture and those we respect and so on. But I feel that this is a relative way to live and see ourselves and capabilities. Everything is measured against something else...someone else. I feel that this is not a good way to live. I can see why young women feel utterly disillusioned because they want to look  like movie stars or model. Do they know what they are measuring themselves against? 

When I was little I used to travel in trains with my parents. One day I was sitting in the compartment when I realized that we were moving. There was another train right next to us. But once we passed the other train I realised that we were still at the station and that it was the other train that had moved. I was tricked. I see the same situation when we live our lives in relative mode. Relative to things around us. We are left confused!

I have been looking and searching to live without measuring myself against the relative world. It's not an easy task. Everything and everyone around you lives relatively that you cannot but get caught up in it. But my meditative practices have been a great help in keeping myself at check. My practice has allowed me to see that qualities like, kindness, compassion, generosity, anger, ill will, jealousy are things that are pretty common to all. While they have varying degrees of being outwardly demonstrated they are common to all. The cluster that belong to positive attitudes/emotions continue to bring a sense of peace and tranquility while the others continue to shake the very ground that's beneath you. 

I have decided that what I do and think should be aligned as much as possible to the positive attitudes/emotions. It gives a level ground. When I do things I do them so that they are based on these emotions. When my actions and words have a foundation of positive attitudes and emotions I find myself being peaceful and tranquil. 

The times that I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off is when my actions, words and thoughts are dominated by the negative emotions. So when I look at freedom, I want to look at it in terms of what could bring about positive emotions in me. If I have a headache, can I feel peaceful? No, because it's hurting me. I could go to a doctor, I could take medicine and if that reduced my headache then I might go back to being happy. What if my headache does not go away despite these remedies? Then I will be unhappy right? Yes, but I have found something in between. I have found that allowing and accepting things for what they are and for however long can also bring about peace and happiness. I don't have to exert much energy for it. I just have to find my groove which isn't easy all the time. But when I do it works. 

I wish that my friend finds that groove within himself. It will bring about a sense of peace to him. 

Knowledge Vs. Understanding

The Buddha encouraged us to investigate ourselves. He said that through the understandings we gain from self investigation, we will come to understand everything around us. It sounds quite simple. But how do we do this? I'm going to use my own understanding of myself to describe how we can do this and what stand as possible barriers.

I have a degree in Psychology and nearly 10 years of work experience in Human Resources Development. I thought I understood and read people very well. I'm sure I did because I was very successful at it. But to the same degree I was not very successful at it. I say that because at the end of the day, I may have read a hundred people, but I felt quite a lot of dissatisfaction inside of me. During that time I doubt I was able read and understand myself very well. 

After grappling with this dilemma for a while, I quit my work and solely focused on myself. I felt I needed to do that because there was no one to understand me and guide me. I felt I owed it to myself. This self exploration, I did through the practice of meditation, based on guidelines set forth by the Buddha. Of course I had monks and nuns who were well versed in the subject and the practice to guide me along the path. It's been almost 8 years since I've started my self exploration, and I still have quite a long way to go. But the understandings that I have gained during that time, have helped and shaped me in many ways. They have also helped me to see the world a lot more than I thought was possible. I believe my views have changed over the years, for the better I hope. 

It is through these understanding I have had over the years, that I will approach the topic which I have set out to explore.

We all would like to believe, and we do so without much of a doubt, that we understand the world we live in. When I say the world, I mean the life each one of us lives. Within our little worlds we have a belief we understand things to a greater degree than not. If we didn't, it would be catastrophic, since the overwhelming feeling of lack of control could drive us insane. So, we have a small sphere that we feel comfortable in and have a sense of control and a sense of predictability. Most of our world is driven and guided by the cultures we live in, the norms and behaviours unique to each of them. If our lives did not fall within the sphere of the greater society we live in, then we would constantly have conflict with the outer world. 

This harmony makes us believe we 'know' things. Just because there is similarity and familiarity we feel that is how things should be. This understanding is allows us to see the world. Essentially, we have arrived at a point of view. We look at the world from that point of view. This is judging. We decide things are good or bad, right or wrong, based on our point of view. That can make us better than other or worse than other or equal.

I have found that this is a relative way of living and understanding the world. Most of you, now, might say, it's all relative and that there is no absolutes. And perhaps it really is. But our relativity is based on the relativity of so many others right now and before us. So, for me it's like a cotton ball...going in all directions and no end or beginning to be found. I find this to be quite disconcerting. But I realise that it's the way life is lived and died for most of us.

However, meditation and insights have shown me a different path. Or a world for a lack of a better word to describe it.

I find that when we learn from everything around us, as good as it is, it is also very limiting. We are taught and guided by the view points, biases, prejudices of others. One might say that is the wisdom that has been passed down from generations before and without such a lot of understanding and knowledge how could we guide ourselves. Yes there is a point to this. But I think we need to go beyond that. It's great that we learn knowledge that has been passed down through generations and from knowledgeable people in  specific fields, but that alone is not going to be enough. At least it was not enough for me. I felt frustrated that, I could not get rid of my deep dissatisfaction, no matter how much I studied or gathered knowledge in a specific field. It did not make me clam down. I felt I was running in circles. 

When I meditated and after many years of practicing it, I feel a sense of clam that I had not experienced before. I feel what I have learned is capable of illuminating my way. I do not feel that I'm running in circles. 

As I said before I had a firm belief that I understood many things and things were falling into place in my life only have it in shambles in the blink of an eye. No Psychology or HR practices could help me out at this point. I thought I needed to do more studies and change my career. I did pursue this for a while. But at the same time I was introduced to meditation. During the first few months I felt a great sense of relief. Along with that came the understanding, that the things that have been taught by my parents and others in society, will only continue to make me run around in circles. It is when I abandoned the idea of studying further. Instead I started to dive into my own mind. 

It's been quite the journey so far. It requires a great sense of discipline and commitment and endurance. But it's been worth it. Going into to my own mind, focusing on thoughts and patters of thoughts that I had and continue to have has taught me much more than any Psychology lesson I've ever learnt. I have learnt to see myself with the level of clarity I can have at this point of time, recognize my thoughts, overcoming them, substituting them, living with them, making friends with them to letting them go. I have understood that my thoughts govern me. I have very little control over them. My thoughts get me to behave, think in certain ways. There are motives behind thoughts and patters. Some good and some pretty ugly. Depending on the motives, my thoughts can take me spiralling down anger, unhappiness, fear, jealousy or raise me me up in love, kindness, peace and clam. 

I have learnt that just as much as this is my truth, it is the truth for everyone else. No matter how much they think they are in control, they are not. I have learnt to see people in different colors and shades. Bright colors and shades for positive and dark colors and shades for negative. This is not mean that you are a positive person, just because your favorite colors fall in the brighter section of the color spectrum. It's all to do with your motives or intentions. In seeing and understanding myself I have come to see and understand the rest of world around me. I must say it's refreshing. I do not run down Psychology or Human Resources practices. I'm grateful for them. But what I have learnt goes way beyond any of the principles I have learnt through formal education. 

The knowledge I have gathered through my practice so far liberates me. And I say that with humility. There is a long way to go but I feel the path I'm taking is the right one. I don't feel liberation because I feel that I'm better off compared to others. Not at all. I feel liberated because I feel we are not very dissimilar to one another. Our happinesses and unhappiness stem from the same roots. In many ways, we are in the same pond. But the fact that I know it, for some reason, makes me feel at ease. The struggles we go through, the issues we try to resolve seem very small in great scale of things, but they are nevertheless there and will be there and we will have to face them. I feel liberated because I feel that I can face them and rise above them not because I'm smart than anyone else but because I see it. This is very liberating. 

So for me knowledge is very different to understanding. But not from just a way to make a living kind of way. But from a much deeper and a spiritual sense. 

Opening the door of my heart

When I first visited Keith, who was admitted into hospice care a few days earlier, he was not very accepting. He barely made an attempt at conversation. The vibe was "leave me alone" and so I did. But I made it a point to tell him who I was and why I was there and when he can expect me again. Three weeks after, I had to go on vacation. I was away for a month. When I got back I visited him again. For the first time he spoke to me. We must have chatted for about 30 minutes. I got him enthused about getting him coffee the next time I came to see him. He insisted that he pay me for his coffee and I gave in. 

Since then I have visited him for over a month and he has never failed to greet me with a smile and fun stories from his past. 

This guy is diagnosed as having terminal cancer. He is fiercely independent and want to get out of the facility the moment he finds lodging. I, of course, am very skeptical that he should be on his own. But I haven't shared my thoughts with him except in my smiles and silence. I think he gets it.

The reasons I'm writing my blog is not just to talk about him. Over the past month and a half we've sort of developed a friendship. We talk for hours now. He most of it. I'm totally okay with it, as I'm there for him. 

The day I first saw him, I remember feeling like that this is the patient that was going to teach me something of value. I don't know why, only future will tell. But I listen to my inner voice or instinct whatever you want to call it. 

As I was driving home yesterday after my visit, I realised that my lesson from him could be to have emotional involvement and yet not be involved. I realise that I'm making a friend in this dying man. He is a great story teller, has much to share about his life and experiences and I find that fascinating. But more than that his struggle to assert independence over the circumstances he has found himself in, for whatever the time he has left in him, is of great interest to me. I care very easily. It's something that my patients love about me. I think, despite his strong manly facade, he too finds that appealing. I feel he may have warmed up to it. But in the same way I have warmed up to him. 

When I first started volunteering, I remember my manager saying, how volunteers who care for hospice patients mourn loss. I, as always, wanted to have my experience to believe in it. I'm thinking now, that there is a chance that I might grieve when Keith dies. For I'm developing a friendship with him. When he dies I should feel as if I have lost a friend. 

I'm keen to go through this process. Just as much as I have wanted to understand the process of death, I have also wanted to understand what it would be like to lose someone you deeply cared for. I do not understand why I'm so fascinated with this. But I have been for quite sometime. It started off when one of my uncles died of cancer just a few years ago. I realised that I too can die. I realised that my parents who are getting old, can die at anytime. In one of my meditations, I felt the deep sadness and sense of loss that might be experienced in death. I know I will never fully understand and grasp it unless I die or someone close to me does.

At the same time, I realised how people are moved in the death of their close friends and relatives. I also saw in my uncle who was 75 at the time he died, the fear and the sadness he experienced during the dying process. I've looked for answers I guess in some ways.

Keith is the youngest person I have had as a patient. I've had one other patient of mine die recently. She was much older and basically died of old age. I enjoyed visiting her. But as most of my older patients go through, she had quite a lot of memory loss and dementia,. So she would not remember me from one visit to another. Her stories were repetitions. But with Keith its different. His stories are vivid descriptions of experiences and emotions from his past. He remembers me from one visit to another.

As humans we all make emotional connections. It is what makes us who we are and gives our lives a sense of warmth and security. But those very emotional connections make us sad, unhappy, miserable and insecure. It is rarely we are given the opportunity make an emotional connection with a person who is diagnosed terminal. We establish a relationship, friendship knowing that this person is going to die. So it should be easy, right? I wonder.

I'm seeing my relationship with Keith like that of one of my uncles. Even though I haven't known him for many years of my life, I'm getting to know many years of his life. Somehow, it brings you closer to a person. I want to find how much closer one can get without having an emotional upheaval. 

I'm a deeply spiritual person. I have practiced Buddhist meditation for about 8 years now. Most of that time was spent developing loving kindness. It's a platonic kind of love, free of lust but full of love. Ajahn Brahm calls it 'opening the door of your heart'. I have realised that you need to open the door of your heart to everything. For in it you find your own freedom. It's always an irony. We think when we are emotionally invested that we can get hurt and believe you me, we do. But the absence of emotions, it's difficult to built a friendship or any kind of relationship.

The Buddha is known to have been a person who cared very deeply about every single being in the world. His kindness and compassion is described as "his heart would quiver" but yet he was emotionally stable and never fell apart. This quality is described as "equanimity". While your heart quivers at the pain and suffering of others, your heart is strengthened by equanimity so that it never breaks apart and makes you dysfunctional. I want to know what it's like, where the boundaries are. It sounds crazy as I'm writing this, but I think I'd like to know. I want to know what my heart is like.

Just as much I know that I can get frothing wild, wildly passionate, crazily controlling, incredibly caring, I also want to know, at what point my heart would start falling apart. I know what it's like when it falls apart when you cannot have your desires full-filled but I don't know what it's like when you have deeply cared for the well-being of another. Or is it even possible to care so deeply about the well-being of another, unless they are an integral part your life? I'm going to let my experiences answer these questions but with time. 

Be the change you want to see in the world

Recently my husband and I went golfing. It's a fun golf place. One golf course, set number of holes and many people can play it at once. We go there from time to time to practice our swing. Next to us was a middle aged couple with kids who must have been teens or at least pre-teens. During the game my husband called out to me and pointed out the goose that was on the course. The goose was just walking towards the players and seemed obvious to the flying golf balls.

We just stopped playing immediately, incase we hit the goose by an accident. It will not survive a golf ball. I asked my husband to tell the staff so they can get the goose fly out of the course. What happened in-between made my heart cry.

People were taking shots at the goose. What was most heartbreaking for me was the couple next to me who kept playing and having a good laugh. The mother kept playing her erratic shots and seemed amused that she did not hit the goose. From the number of golf balls flying out, I realised that most people had stopped playing but this family did not. The parents kept playing and laughing and the children joined along. 

Finally the ball picking trucks got the goose out of the way. Thank goodness!

What I realised in the middle of all these is that we, humans, can be pretty darn stupid and mean. I thought of the couple next us with the kids. What if their kids got on the course by accident. Will they continue to play their shots or will they run to save them. How would they have felt if others had kept hitting shots on to the course? Would they have laughed over it? Or would they have feared over the safety of their children and angered towards those who continued to play? They would have sued the players and the golf place for being irresponsible and lacking of safety.

But a goose, seemed a natural target practice. Why? Because it wasn't a human? Or it wasn't your child? I wondered.

It's unfathomable how quickly people forget things like compassion, kindness and empathy. I have no doubt that those parents would be teaching their children to show respect, kindness and understanding of others feelings etc but at that moment, it did not apply. It had no transference power. The sad part is, this is not the first time I have seen this kind of behaviour. For some reasons, we are better at talking and teaching others than making sure that we have learnt the lessons and that we are able walk the talk. 

I once met a woman who had a two year old child. She was talking about her friend who had opted to give her and her child a ride. The friend had a dog. When they were about to get in, the friend had said that the child and the dog can sit at the back. This woman was appalled. She said she would not feel safe with the dog and the child in the back seat. What made this story telling interesting was what she said after. She said, the danger of a dog with a child in the back seat would not have ever crossed her mind if she did not have a child. She said because it was her child, she realised that it might not be the best way to travel! So basically if it were someone else's child, she would not have had an issue?! Isn't that interesting. As long as you have a lot to lose it's got to change and its not normal, but when the loss is for someone else, it makes no mark on you?!

I'm astounded by lack of empathy in humans who constantly seek it, fight for it...I mean why do we have a thing called 'human rights'. But for some reasons all the rights apply only to me and those around me. For others, unless I have no direct benefit from it, it does not matter. How do we get off thinking like this? 

If we are this selfish, then it's stupid to ask the rest of the world to be unselfish. It just not work that way. If I need kindness, I need to be kind first of all. In the absence of it, no matter how much I cry over the unkindness of others, its not going to change much. Why? Because I have not changed. It's like someone pointing a gun. As long as you are pointing a gun, no one dare come near you let alone be nice to you. Why? Because the other person is thinking this guy is going to shoot me and I'd better get out of the way. It's the same with emotions. 

Our small minds are unable to compute the power of emotions. Positive and negative. Just because an emotion has no physical shape and size does not mean that it does not carry weight. Its actually far more dangerous than a physical object. You can at least see it but not an emotion. So the harm it can do, is that much deeper.

When we carry emotions they are like clothes that we put on. It carries a message. If you are wearing smelly and dirty cloths, you give out the impression that you maybe poor, unhygienic and simply dirty. Will people approach you and talk to you and ask to have a drink? No! They will simply move out of your merry way. Now you might wonder why people are not being nice to you and not talking to you. You might even get angry...but the point is that you are smelly and dirty and people are responding to that. Unfortunately you don't know this. Having and carrying a negative emotion is like that. Its smelly and dirty and people don't want to have to do anything with it. Only you are left wondering why and angry!

It's the opposite to someone who is dressed up well and smelly good. People won't walk away from you. They will be pleased to see you. If you go towards them and talk they may even talk. It's like having positive emotions. People are attracted to positive emotions. 

So I hope if you are reading this, it would help you see that the work has to be done by you and you alone. If you want the world to be different, you need to start being different. As Gandhi said, Be the change you want to see in the world". I agree with him completely. Not because he is Mahatma Gandhi but because I know that what he said is very true. 

I hope people learn these lessons sooner than later. We cannot teach our children if we cannot put in to practice what we know. It's what we do that makes a difference not how good we are at teaching it. People and especially children watch the adults. We imitate those around us. If what we see around us is, people using a goose as a target practice, then message do we send? Its not in what we say but in how and what we do when we are faced with a situation that shows who we are. Its sad to see that such qualities are only payed lip service these days.

Taking Control Vs Letting Be

In this day and age "taking control of things" is a term that emphasizes someones strength and the power of their willfulness. For sometime now I have been questioning whether this is a term that has a realistic  base or something that we use to make ourselves feel better or perhaps a little bit of both.

My experience of things is that, we are never fully really in control of anything. This includes our own selves. 

If I were in control or am able to take control of things, then the first thing I would like to do so is in terms of my health. Unfortunately I have not had a luxury of being able to stay well for a very long time. I find that when I begins to feel a remote sense of physical wellness, I get sick all over. It does not matter how well I eat, how much I exercise or meditate, I cannot really get my body to behave the way I would like it to. Its very disheartening really. I feel utterly out of control within my own body. I find the same with my thoughts. I could sit in meditation for days and not be able to experience the joy arising out of one pointedness. I could sit for 15 minutes and suddenly there is it. Such Yo-Yo mind. Again I would love to have control over my mind but to this date not been successful at it.

So when people tell me that they are fully "in control" or "take things in to their control" I find that to be quite humorous. For the simple argument that if I cannot have control over my own body and thoughts, how could I possibly have control over things that are external to me. But for some reasons this does not hit home for most of us. 

I have begun to question why this is so. Its a false sense of hope that we carry with us. For what? I realise that it gives us comfort, a sense of security. Control gives us a sense of security that the ground beneath us is not going to shift all of a sudden. I can understand that. I mean I myself don't like to believe that I'm not in control. I find that I always have a need to feel as if I am in control. 

I find that I look into the future and try to iron out things that might go wrong, or try to minimizes the discomforts that might arise out of something that I see as a possible threat. I also find that when I think of my past, I would like iron out things in the past  in a way that it makes best sense for me. But in both situations I am exerting "control". But I know that no matter how much time I spent trying to control these events, especially the ones in the past, it does not change the events. With great patience I have applied this to my future as well. I have spent trying to iron out the possible wrinkles in my future. I would have spent hours and days of thinking of possible ways but only to find that my future isn't what I expected it to be. Therefore I am taken by surprise sometimes to my great joy and other times to my great sadness. 

So it unlikely how much we would like to believe that we can take things into control, that we can actually do so. Perhaps for a small amount of time or for something small. But in the greater scheme of things, if I cannot control my own body and thoughts it's highly unlikely that I would do so with something outside of me. 

I'm slowly getting to a place where I'm able to let things unfold to their own set of circumstances. It's not an easy thing for me. My natural tendency is to control things to my advantage, so I think. But I have seen over and over again, the suffering I have go through only to find that I really haven't been able to change things after having put so much effort. So, now I am practicing letting things happen. Letting things take their own course. But its hard. It makes me wait on things. I'm not used to waiting on things. I'm used to making things happen. Waiting feel stupid really and its like an itch that one need to scratch. But there have been situations that I have been able to wait on things. 

I have found that it gives a great sense of relief to be able to do that. I find that I'm not pressed by circumstances around me. I feel that I'm in control by allowing things to happen in their own way. Its quite ironic. Very counter intuitive. But it works. But you need to be patient. It also doesn't mean that you stay very passive. Oh No. Its quite contrary to being passive. But it is also quite different to being active. Its a place that I find is between passive and active. As I;m writing this blog I remembered something I had read in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective people. If my memory serves me well, I think the author said "responsiveness' likes in between Passive and Active. 

Now that makes sense altogether. Responding sounds like a space that I find now. It's not that I'm being passive not going all out to take charge but it's waiting so that when things happen you are in the ideal place to do something about it. I think this is the same thing that we are taught in "mindfulness". When we are mindful we are in the present. The present is constantly moving and instead going back or going forward you are moving with the sequence of events as is it happening. It is more likely that you are in touch with whats happening right now. So how you respond to them becomes more sensible. It's like hitting a tennis ball or a cricket ball. You need to see it i n motion. Not something that came out of the hand of the bowler neither something that you have hit according to your plan. It's something you watch from the moment the ball is realased from the bowlers hand until it hits the bat. You need to watch the trajectory so you know best how to hit it. Do you go defensive or do you hammer it hard or do you simply let it go. If you cannot see the trajectory that the ball is in, you will not understand whether the ball has a spin on it, whether its swinging it out or in. and if you don't know this how you respond to the ball will be wrong. You might get out. But instead you watch it and respond to it as you see it the chances are that you will have read the ball well and therefore hammered it for a six. 

Anyway my point is that, its important to stay in the present and not get caught up trying to get control over things. This makes us lost in our past and or our future. But instead if you stay in the present with a keen eye on whats going on, your responses will be that much more accurate and your results better than ever. SO, I think we need to allow things to take their own course and watch. Only if there is a need to interject ourselves in it should we do so. IF not we might end up making a bigger mess. Why not we let things be instead of taking control. Might be a better way to  move into the future with that. 

Life and Death

I have been working as a Hospice Patient Volunteer for almost a year now. Its been an incredible experience so far. I have met some very nice and kind people and some very angry and resentful people and continue to do so. 

During my time working with hospice patients and their journey towards their death has made me realise that dying isn't as easy as we think it is or would like it to be, even if its under the most normal circumstances like old age. I think we need to be attentive to death as much as we are attentive to life. For Even though we think death happens in an instant...it does not. Its a process, a journey like any other thing in our life.

The most recent death of a family member I experienced was of one of my uncles. He died of cancer about two years ago. It was a painful process. The cancer not only killed his body but also infected his mind. He was for the most part lived in fear, not wanting to know the truth but suffering nevertheless.His attitude towards his last few months of his life along with those who were close to him demonstrated an inability to face the reality, wanting to believe in the unseen and lack of care.

One of my patients recently died of old age. It was a prolonged process and she had many difficulties. The last memory I had of her was totally drugged and sitting in a wheelchair because she had had a fall two days before and she died a day later. But Patricia was a beautiful woman until she succumbed to her illnesses. I had never seen her angry or without a smile on her face. She was always grateful. I used to take hot chocolate to her and she would drink it like a child. She wanted to talk whenever I went in. She even apologised for not being able to. Even though so wasn't well off physically until the very last weeks of her life she remained as sweet as I first met her. 

Then there is Loise. She is always resentful, angry and complaining. She is declining rapidly and she has lost her energy to be angry. She is now very unhappy. 

Another patient is going to be 100 years old in a very short time. I have never seen a more beautiful person of 99 years. Her skin is smooth and white just as her hair. She is full of life and laughter and jokes. She is the only patient that makes me laugh when I visit her. She says she is ready to die and I believe her. When I visited her last, she was down with a terrible cough and she wasn't very happy. She said, "God does not want me" and I had to sooth her by saying that "God does want her and that He is here right in her heart". She is also short of hearing so I'm not sure how comforting my words were to her. 

All the people I met lived in nursing homes under the care of others. Their loved ones if able visited them everyday or once a week or even fewer occasions. But all of my patients missed them, talked about them, reminisced about their past, the good times and some bad. To all of them my weekly visits broke the monotony of nursing home life.

Seeing these people, who have lived a good 70-80-90 years, makes me wonder whether they ever thought of the journey towards the latter part of their lives. In their rooms are photos of their younger years, looking beautiful, with their children and grandchildren. But I only see them as memories and so do they. Being old and dying isn't easy. 

It  made me think of my own mortality. I turned 40 earlier this year, so basically I have, if I am lucky about 30 years more to go. I wonder what my last years, days and moments would be like. Will I look back at my past, will I be at ease, sad, unhappy, miserable, angry? Will I be alone in a nursing home or in a hospital in the care of people I have never met. Will I be frightened? 

I really don't know. 

But one thing I know for sure is that I will strive to make peace with more things in my life than fight with them. If there is anything that my experiences with my hospice patients have taught me, it is that there is a great chance that you will be alone at some point or another in your life. You may not have those whom you have loved with you and they may not be able to be at your side when you need them to. You may not be able to do things on your own and will have to depend on total strangers. Your body might fail your completely. But through it all if you chose to fight and struggle to get what you want because thats what you have had most of your life, then your last years, months or days can be a struggle as well. But you cannot teach kindness, love, patience, peace when your body is breaking down, when you cannot see your loved ones or visit them as you wish to, when you have to trust some total strangers to give your painkillers at the right time, or your medicine for your cough. 

These qualities have to be developed when we are able. But this is not something we do or learn in our younger years. Yes we are taught to be kind, generous say our "P" and "Q"s and so one, but when it comes down to it some of these things fly out of the window, just because we can exert our will power and have our own way. Or our money or our positions and physical abilities.

So my lessons to myself is to learn to be kind, compassion, grateful, trusting now. Now when I can exert my will power to get what I want, even when the world is not giving it to me. A little bit of letting go of my need to get what I want the way I want to by will fully changing the conditions around me just because I can. I hope these skills not only help me in my last moments but let me liove more peaceful and harmonious life in my younger years.