I love the changing seasons. It's something to look forward to. A change in the scenery. My favorite seasons are fall and winter. Fall colors are magnificent. So is the cool air that comes with it. Winter is pure. I love snow and how it makes everything looks so clean. I was driving to work one day, admiring the myriad of fall colors, when it hit me that life too has its own seasons. I was really looking at myself.
I turned 40 this year. I certainly feel the youth in me fading away slowly but surely. My body is losing its flexibility. Flexibility to bounce back into shape quickly, to recover from illness: aches and pains are more pronounced than I can remember, digestion has slowed down incredibly. I feel that my body has entered its fall season. To be honest, my body has not been shy about showing signs of the aging process. My mind has struggled with it quite a lot. During the last few years I have had a number of chronic ailments, in addition to all the other issues. My mind is struggling to deal with it. I find myself questioning, "why do I get so much illness when I am still young?" I suppose one never comes to terms with ones aging process?! I don't know. Only time will show me.
But on this day as I was driving the feeling that I got was very strong. I realized that my body is going through it's seasons. It's definitely entered it's fall. Then I realized how much I loved fall and winter. I love the change in the air from warm to cool...there is a crispness that I love in fall air. Then the leaves turn color. Boy do I love that! Then the winds blow the leaves and the rains wash it. That day all that seemed very much related to what my body seem to be going through.
I feel a slowing down...a cooling down in my body. Strength is withering away so is health. Bodily process are slowing and cooling down. But I am fighting it. I don't feel that this is something enjoyable. I find it an inconvenience. But why? I asked myself that day. I love fall so much. Even though it seems beautiful, the colors of the leaves symbolizes a dying process. The leaves have lost its ability to absorb light to keep it green. So its decaying. That process gives rise to myriad of colors we see in fall. And I cherish it and wait for it year after year. But for some reason I do not seem to accept my bodies changes with such gladness in my heart.
It's hard for me to write this blog. As I am writing, I am also crying. There is pain. Sadness of losing something. Of not being able to do the things that I have once done and the way I have done them and the frequency with which I have done them. I find that I despise this process within me. But as I was driving that day, I knew it was no different to fall. It's the changing nature of life. Nature moves and it goes on and on bringing with it a change, a new phase. The definition we give to it, defines how we feel about it. I love winter but most people here dislike it very much. I find winter to be pure and clean while others see it as cold and dark. So our perceptions will determine how we react to seasons.
In the world we live in, aging isn't looked as well. All signs of aging is hidden and denied. We no loner live in a world where aging is embraced as part of life. Perhaps my struggles stem from it. I do not know but I know the difficulties is presents, are not that fun to embrace. But then I realized that this is part of life and life is nature. If I love fall and embrace it so fully, should I not do the same with my body?
For me, old age and death resembles winter. Once again I am forced to question my struggles with it. I love winter. But I see that in the depths of my heart there is resentment and fear towards old age and death. There is something mysterious about it that I find myself fearing. Once again I compared my body to nature. Winter is a time when all seem to stop. It's cold and dark and devoid of life. But is it really? When I look at winter, I feel a sense of rejoicing. It's a celebration. I have always felt that way. Winter paves way to new life; spring. While it looks devoid of life, life itself carries on even in the thick of winters. It's dormant and may not seem so out there but it still continues in a very quiet, resilient way.
When I looked at my body and the aging and dying process, I realized that nothing ever stops completely. My body will age and die someday....but the mind, the thinking energy will carry on. In physics we learn that energy never disappears but rather transforms itself to a new way of existence. I, for some reason, feel that this is true. We need enormous amount of energy to live and to do what we do on a day to day basis. Our thoughts dictate our behaviors. Our thoughts are waves of energy in the absence of a body. So even in death, it has to continue. It can be nullified by an energy force equal to its force but charged with an opposite energy.
So, getting old and dying are mere terms we use to make sense of the world we live in and what happens to us. But in truth we continue. I will not continue as 'Anosha' because it's attached to a physical existence but I will continue as am energy form, with no definition and name until it takes form again.
Why must I fear that? I wish I knew. But I know in the depths of me there is a fear of loss. When I really think about it, I find that I am scared of losing myself. Not being able to know and exist the way I know now. In the form of 'Anosha' and a 'good' version of it.
This is where I end my blog. I have no answers to my own questions. My blog is a mere elaboration of my own thinking and feelings. I do not know how to make sense of it yet. But it feels enormously good to have written down my thoughts. It's now December and this has been in my mind for almost two months and finally I pen it down. Maybe someday it will all make sense but for now I will leave my worries and fears out in my blog.
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