The Illusion of Control - a personal experience

When I was in my late twenties to early thirties, I became very controlling. I guess it happened over a period of time from my late teens to early twenties when my life was going exactly the way I planned or even better. I was very successful in my career, I was holding powerful positions, brushing elbows with powerful people, I was recognised for my abilities and my achievements, I was very influential and was able to sway very powerful people to do what I thought was best.....and after a while I began to believe that I could make things happen just by willing for things to happen.

But I hit a road block. Things started going out of control. It wasn't something that I was hit with all of a sudden. It gradually descended upon me. I realised this much later on. But at the time it was descending upon me, I began to feel frustrated, annoyed, angry that people were simply being 'asses'. So I thought I ought to 'will' more. Because I believed that I can do things and make things happen, I tried hard to put things back in place. To my shock, the more I tried the less control I felt. While I still had control over my career, the influence I exerted in the world, my personal life was falling apart. For once I could not control my own life. This was the biggest shock and reason why I started questioning myself.

I used to wonder why was it that I had such a grip on things outside but I could not do so in my own life. So I tried harder, to find that things started slipping through my fingers right in front of my eyes. I became disillusioned, I lost confidence in myself, I felt very very depressed, I also felt that I was being let down by my own principles and sense of morality and most importantly by my loved ones. Basically I felt that the whole world was going against me and that no one understood what the heck was happening to me including myself.

One fine day, about three years ago, I remember very clearly that I finally decided to stop trying. It was very intentional. The intention wasn't even wholesome when I think back because I did it out of desperation and I did it because I had enough of trying. But I was going to just stop!

It was then the miracle happened. I call it a miracle because what happened to me afterwards was something that I didn't think was possible.

It was when I decided to let go and stop complaining, stop trying to make things turn out the way I want and instead to do the best I can irrespective of what anyone in my life was doing to me or saying to me, that I felt a great sense of peace and release. It was almost as if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within months I felt a sense of confidence that I had never felt before. It had nothing to do with any success I was experiencing in my professional or personal life. It was nothing to do with any influence I was exerting on powerful people around me or on my loved ones. It wasn't because my life started unfolding the way I wanted it to or it was moving the way I wanted it to. But it was because for the first time in my life I felt a sense of peace. A sense of "I am going to be alright". It was the most powerful thing that has ever happened to me.

I haven't looked back since then...at least not until now. This episode in my life taught me some very important and valuable lessons that I would like to share with you right now.

It taught me that life, even if it is your own, is not in your control. Things happen whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, whether you change your jobs, change countries, change people around you....no matter what you do things will happen. There is so much you can do to change things.The best you can do is to do your very best with a sense of gladness for the opportunity given and let the rest take care of itself.

It taught me that I should not get carried away when things are going well for me and not get bogged down when things are not going well for me. Nothing lasts forever. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. We just need to be patient and continue to give our very very best. The illusion of control makes you feel you are doing things right and that you are doing your very best, so that when things don't go well, you always look to pass on the blame to someone else. More often than not we are not doing our best. We are too obsessed with "what's in it for me?" and as a result we are unable to give our very best. In the same way we are unable to love another person or persons.

It also taught me that I am responsible for how I feel at any given point of time and that it is my choice to be happy, unhappy, sad, miserable, angry, jealous, elated, peaceful etc. This is one of the hardest lessons I learnt. The emotions we feel are things that we already have. What another person or a situation may do, is bring out those emotions that are already within us. No one can make us feel things that we don't have within us!

I learnt that I cannot and should not try to escape reality, especially when that reality is not pleasant or it's not the way I want it to be. You need to face it directly. Otherwise, it's like a ghost chasing you and you running to save your life. You cannot out run a ghost. It will always find you. I learnt to face myself instead of looking at the person in front of me and trying to pass the blame. I learnt to face the hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration and look at them squarely in their faces within myself. Through that I found peace.

I also learnt to forgive....again this was a hard lesson for me. Forgiving was tough. Because it meant that I had to give up the reasons that gave me the right to hate another being, even if that being had hurt me, done and said things to me which I did not deserve by any means. In forgiveness I found my peace. I was not burning, I did not have to figure out ways to be mean to someone else. I didn't have to carry the baggage of past with me anymore. I felt free.

I learnt that peace and happiness come to you when you let go of your controlling. That you become an easier person to be with for others and more than that an easier person for you to be with when you stop being controlling. I learnt that peace and happiness are things to be found within and that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can ever give it to you or teach it to you. You need to dig deep down to find it within your own heart.

I learnt to be more humble and understanding of people's shortcomings. We all try to do one thing at the end of the day. And that is to be happy and have some peace of mind (some of us are not aware of this but this is what we all strive for). Just as much as I tried to control things because I believed that, that was the way to find happiness and peace, so do others. People's intentions at most times are not wrong or harmful they are just skewed because of lack of understanding, just like mine. So I try to find compassion whenever possible when I find those who are controlling of things and even of me.

I learnt to enjoy the present moment. This moment is all we have and all we will ever be. The rest is our memories of our past and anticipations and hopes of a future. Neither can be experienced for what it is. You can experience only the present. I have learnt to have fun and lots of it by being in the present moment. It also leaves me with little room to grudge, find fault and complain.

These are some of the lessons I learnt through some the darkest of days in my life so far. The only thing I try now is to put these lessons into practice. I am less worried about the results but I give myself to whatever is at hand. I try not to indulge myself with thoughts of past and future but instead live this moment to the best of my ability and if I mess it up I will forgive myself and move on. I try not to be so confident that I can make things happen and that if I were to 'will or try a little bit harder' things could be better. As a result over the last three years, I have felt a sense of great unburdening. I feel free, happy, peaceful more often than not. I feel as if I am seeing things through a new perspective.

My wish to whoever reads this, is that you may never have to experience darkness in your life. But as a human being it's an inevitability. We do experience ups and downs in life. It may be big or it maybe small but open your eyes to those moments, see them clearly and most of all learn from them. They can unfold some of the greatest gifts that you can ever receive in this journey we call life.

What is suffering?

The aim of practicing the path of the Buddha is to overcome suffering and ultimately transcend dukka. Now Dukka and suffering have two distinct meanings. They are not the same. Some of us think that Dukka is suffering. But that is not a correct understanding. Let me explain to the best of my understanding and experience.

Dukka is a natural law. We have no choice. Dukka will always be there whether we like it or not. Being born is dukka, being sick is dukka, dying is dukka, receiving blame is dukka, losing loved ones is dukka....and there are many other factors that make up dukka. We all experience one or more things from time to time. Even the great Buddha himself experienced sickness, old-age, death, blame etc.

However unlike dukka which is a natural law, suffering is a choice. We have the option to suffer or not to suffer. Now isn't that a wonderful thing!!! How is that so? Well suffering is a reaction to dukka. For example, when we are sick, in addition to the sickness we suffer because we think "Oh why do I have to get sick?", "Why me?", "Why now?", "What did I do to deserve this"?, "How can this happen to me?"........many such questions lead us towards the path of suffering. When loved ones die, we say "Oh why did they die?", "They should not have died so young, it's unfair", "I cannot live without them"......many such lamentations.

Now whether we like it or not death is going to happen; our parents, children, partners, sisters and brothers are going to die; we are going to die; we are going to be sick and old and we are going to get wrinkles, white hair and those wonderful phenomena that come with old age....these things happen because that's the way it is. But when we react to it, that reaction brings suffering.

So what causes us to react? Because logically if you figure out what causes the reaction then we can figure out how to address the cause which will stop the reaction and as a result any suffering. Well the reaction happens because of craving. In other words, we desire or we want something else and not the dukka that we are experiencing. For example, when we get sick, we want NOT to be sick. Now that wanting NOT to be sick is called suffering.

Another example, we go on holidays. Well we have to come back home. Now coming back home after a holiday is not as bad as thinking "Oh I don't want to go back home", "I'm not looking forward to going back to work".....so what makes you suffer is your wanting for your holiday to continue and your wanting not to resume normal life.

Even the Buddha and the great Arahants had dukka but because they understood that that is the way things are, they did not suffer from it. The Buddha was said to have suffered from severe diarrhea during the last months of his life. Imagine how painful that would have been. Imagine if that were to happen to us how miserable we would be. But the Buddha understood that having a body meant, that it would get sick, it was subject to decay, pain....but he was also very wise to know that complaining about it or worrying about it not going to change things other than make yourself and others miserable.

I know we are not as wise and capable as the Buddha, at least I am not. But we can certainly make a stride in the right direction. It's incredible that with each small step that you begin to realise the power and the truth of what he taught 25 centuries ago. But it's not easy. It's an uphill battle. It takes a lot of determination and courage and patience. I have read many management books and self-improvement books and I am sure that most of you have done that as well. Some of you including myself would have made great effort to be the kind of leader described in those books by striving to follow the methods, instructions given.

The path of the Buddha is the same. In fact I have found that it takes even more personal courage and determination because results are slow. You also find that at most times you have no companion on the path and that you are there by yourself and that you have to depend on your own understandings and learn to listen to yourself and keep to the code of ethics laid down by the Buddha. Also you will find that most people are walking in the opposite direction to the path you are taking.

So the chances that you get discouraged are enormous. The chances that you would questions as to why bother or why walk a difficult path all by yourself when all the others are having fun and walking the easy way will swamp your mind. So I would like to end my blog with the following story which I found in Steven Coveys book on "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". I think the story has the answer to the question why.

"Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is is steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lookout replied, "Steady, captain." which meant we were on a collision course with that ship.

The captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees"

Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees"

The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees"

"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees"

By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I am a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."

Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse"

We changed course.

Train of Thoughts

I was talking to my mother recently. During our conversation she mentioned that she heard in a story that Venerable Sariputta was able to count the rain drops one by one when it's raining. The moment I heard this I realised that there was something very profound in what he was able to do that we ought to investigate and extract for ourselves. It wasn't figuring out how we can develop the ability to count rain drops but more importantly how we ought to slow our minds down so we can see truth, in its purest form.

You know how it is with our minds....forget about counting rain drops, most times we can't even remember our previous thought. Our minds run around so fast that we can't see what it thinks, until we see the results of our thinking. For example, some of you might have found that you have said or done things which have not worked out well for you...maybe you hurt someone or maybe you blurted out things that you should not have said or done....but you simply didn't know why you did what you did....sometimes someone else has to point it out to you....sometimes you are taken up by surprise that you actually did or said what you did....why is it that we are not aware of what we do and say?!

It is because we are not aware of what we think!

The root of all of our actions and words is the thought. If we didn't think first and foremost, we could not have said or done what we did and said. But surprise..surprise we don't' remember, or we haven't got a clue most of the time. Isn't that why it always becomes the other persons problem.?!!! Anyway, we are not aware of our thoughts because we simply cannot see them...not because they are not there. Its like the muddy waters...when the water is muddy you cannot see what's in the water....just like that our minds are too busy.....busy doing things, living life as we call it, to notice the thoughts that drive it. We pay little attention to the most important ingredient of our lives. Yet we ask, why things go wrong for us? What do you expect?!! If you bake bread without flour, would you be able to eat bread?

In order to notice our thoughts we need to slow the mind first. Our mind is like a train that has left the station and has gathered lots of speed. You can't see the scenery properly because it moves so fast. So to see things, to read the signs properly you need to first slow down the train. In the same way we need to slow the mind down to understand why we do what we do. To slow the mind down, we need to train the mind to slow down. This is typically done in meditation.

Find a comfortable place to sit, close your eyes, stop thinking about the past or the future, focus on your breath and only on your breath. Watch it without commenting but just feeling the breath. Focus only on the feeling and not how you feel or how you ought to feel. If you do this properly, you will notice that you have nothing to think of, nothing to do and that you are only experiencing the breath. For once in your life you would have felt your breath (unless you have had asthma or experienced drowning).

When you develop this long enough you will also learn to notice your thoughts. I am talking about just noticing the thought and not getting carried away with it like we usually do. When you begin to notice your thoughts without any story telling involved, then you begin to see truth. Truth lies in us....unlike how we've learnt to believe that the 'truth is out there'...we begin to see that it's right within us and within our grasp but first we have to slow down.

Hope all of you will give this a try at some point in your life, earlier the better and easier. Remember the train simile......the older and busier your life gets, it become like the train that has gathered lots of speed...it takes time and hard breaking to slow it down. The world will be a wonderful place for each one of us, if each one of us learnt this. Please note that I said the world will be a wonderful place for each one of us, because, the responsibility of making it wonderful lies within you (not in your partner, parents, best friend, your pet or the Buddha) as well as the experience of it.