When I was in my late twenties to early thirties, I became very controlling. I guess it happened over a period of time from my late teens to early twenties when my life was going exactly the way I planned or even better. I was very successful in my career, I was holding powerful positions, brushing elbows with powerful people, I was recognised for my abilities and my achievements, I was very influential and was able to sway very powerful people to do what I thought was best.....and after a while I began to believe that I could make things happen just by willing for things to happen.
But I hit a road block. Things started going out of control. It wasn't something that I was hit with all of a sudden. It gradually descended upon me. I realised this much later on. But at the time it was descending upon me, I began to feel frustrated, annoyed, angry that people were simply being 'asses'. So I thought I ought to 'will' more. Because I believed that I can do things and make things happen, I tried hard to put things back in place. To my shock, the more I tried the less control I felt. While I still had control over my career, the influence I exerted in the world, my personal life was falling apart. For once I could not control my own life. This was the biggest shock and reason why I started questioning myself.
I used to wonder why was it that I had such a grip on things outside but I could not do so in my own life. So I tried harder, to find that things started slipping through my fingers right in front of my eyes. I became disillusioned, I lost confidence in myself, I felt very very depressed, I also felt that I was being let down by my own principles and sense of morality and most importantly by my loved ones. Basically I felt that the whole world was going against me and that no one understood what the heck was happening to me including myself.
One fine day, about three years ago, I remember very clearly that I finally decided to stop trying. It was very intentional. The intention wasn't even wholesome when I think back because I did it out of desperation and I did it because I had enough of trying. But I was going to just stop!
It was then the miracle happened. I call it a miracle because what happened to me afterwards was something that I didn't think was possible.
It was when I decided to let go and stop complaining, stop trying to make things turn out the way I want and instead to do the best I can irrespective of what anyone in my life was doing to me or saying to me, that I felt a great sense of peace and release. It was almost as if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within months I felt a sense of confidence that I had never felt before. It had nothing to do with any success I was experiencing in my professional or personal life. It was nothing to do with any influence I was exerting on powerful people around me or on my loved ones. It wasn't because my life started unfolding the way I wanted it to or it was moving the way I wanted it to. But it was because for the first time in my life I felt a sense of peace. A sense of "I am going to be alright". It was the most powerful thing that has ever happened to me.
I haven't looked back since then...at least not until now. This episode in my life taught me some very important and valuable lessons that I would like to share with you right now.
It taught me that life, even if it is your own, is not in your control. Things happen whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, whether you change your jobs, change countries, change people around you....no matter what you do things will happen. There is so much you can do to change things.The best you can do is to do your very best with a sense of gladness for the opportunity given and let the rest take care of itself.
It taught me that I should not get carried away when things are going well for me and not get bogged down when things are not going well for me. Nothing lasts forever. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. We just need to be patient and continue to give our very very best. The illusion of control makes you feel you are doing things right and that you are doing your very best, so that when things don't go well, you always look to pass on the blame to someone else. More often than not we are not doing our best. We are too obsessed with "what's in it for me?" and as a result we are unable to give our very best. In the same way we are unable to love another person or persons.
It also taught me that I am responsible for how I feel at any given point of time and that it is my choice to be happy, unhappy, sad, miserable, angry, jealous, elated, peaceful etc. This is one of the hardest lessons I learnt. The emotions we feel are things that we already have. What another person or a situation may do, is bring out those emotions that are already within us. No one can make us feel things that we don't have within us!
I learnt that I cannot and should not try to escape reality, especially when that reality is not pleasant or it's not the way I want it to be. You need to face it directly. Otherwise, it's like a ghost chasing you and you running to save your life. You cannot out run a ghost. It will always find you. I learnt to face myself instead of looking at the person in front of me and trying to pass the blame. I learnt to face the hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration and look at them squarely in their faces within myself. Through that I found peace.
I also learnt to forgive....again this was a hard lesson for me. Forgiving was tough. Because it meant that I had to give up the reasons that gave me the right to hate another being, even if that being had hurt me, done and said things to me which I did not deserve by any means. In forgiveness I found my peace. I was not burning, I did not have to figure out ways to be mean to someone else. I didn't have to carry the baggage of past with me anymore. I felt free.
I learnt that peace and happiness come to you when you let go of your controlling. That you become an easier person to be with for others and more than that an easier person for you to be with when you stop being controlling. I learnt that peace and happiness are things to be found within and that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can ever give it to you or teach it to you. You need to dig deep down to find it within your own heart.
I learnt to be more humble and understanding of people's shortcomings. We all try to do one thing at the end of the day. And that is to be happy and have some peace of mind (some of us are not aware of this but this is what we all strive for). Just as much as I tried to control things because I believed that, that was the way to find happiness and peace, so do others. People's intentions at most times are not wrong or harmful they are just skewed because of lack of understanding, just like mine. So I try to find compassion whenever possible when I find those who are controlling of things and even of me.
I learnt to enjoy the present moment. This moment is all we have and all we will ever be. The rest is our memories of our past and anticipations and hopes of a future. Neither can be experienced for what it is. You can experience only the present. I have learnt to have fun and lots of it by being in the present moment. It also leaves me with little room to grudge, find fault and complain.
These are some of the lessons I learnt through some the darkest of days in my life so far. The only thing I try now is to put these lessons into practice. I am less worried about the results but I give myself to whatever is at hand. I try not to indulge myself with thoughts of past and future but instead live this moment to the best of my ability and if I mess it up I will forgive myself and move on. I try not to be so confident that I can make things happen and that if I were to 'will or try a little bit harder' things could be better. As a result over the last three years, I have felt a sense of great unburdening. I feel free, happy, peaceful more often than not. I feel as if I am seeing things through a new perspective.
My wish to whoever reads this, is that you may never have to experience darkness in your life. But as a human being it's an inevitability. We do experience ups and downs in life. It may be big or it maybe small but open your eyes to those moments, see them clearly and most of all learn from them. They can unfold some of the greatest gifts that you can ever receive in this journey we call life.
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