No Judging

Last week I was teaching my Dhamma students about the four Divine Abodes. It is one of my favourite subjects and gives me a lot of joy to talk about it as well as to develop them as qualities in my mind. The four Divine Abodes, for those who are not aware of them, are: Metta (Loving-kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Muditha (Sympathetic Joy) and Uppeka (Equanimity).

During the class, one of the students said in response to something I was saying,...."Aren't these qualities like making judgements?'. At that time I gave a reply to her, which as I was saying, I knew something was missing in my answer. So I parked the question in my mind. About an hour later once the class was done, unfortunately, I realised what the answer was. These qualities are not judgements......it's basically the lack of judgements. Developing these qualities make your mind open to all experiences without the involvement and the complications associated with judging.

Think about it.....we live a life full of judgements...be it about the weather, next door neighbours, physical appearance of ourselves and others, jobs, our partners, children, friends, how we feel on a day to day basis to basically anything you can think of. We make judgements on everything! Rarely do we not judge and to most of you who are reading this the question that would arise in the mind is "How can we live life if there is judging?". However, it is in the none judging that we can experience things as they are and it is in only that we can live a full life. Goes against common sense doesn't it?

For if were to judge, the experience we receive is conditioned upon the judging.....for example if I think I feel a bit moody today, then my experiences from that time onwards will be through my lense of "I am moody". If I think that my co-worker's manner of speaking is rude, then I look at her and what she says, through the lense of "rudeness". So my experience is already diluted...think about it. What you think, is what you will experience. It's a bit mind-boggling because it puts enormous responsiblity on our shoulders. Because, essentially what I am saying here is that you make your own experiences and that it is not because of someone or something external to us...and that is very hard to digest even for me at times....but this is true and if we come to realise it and come to terms with it, it will make our lives so much easier and lighter.

When one develops the divine abodes one learns to experience things without judgement. Though it might sound absurd to think one could live without judgements, it is in that none judging one becomes free from the negative and positive experiences that come along with judging. Maybe I am losing you or have lost you by now already but hopefully you will stop to do some contemplation on what I said.

How do these qualities teache us to just experience things as they are? Let's take compassion and a related situation as an example......let's say your friend has broken up with his or her partner and feeling sad....compassion is the quality of the heart that makes you understand where a person is coming from rather than thinking why or why not one should feel the way they do. The moment we make that judgment of you should or should not feel a particular way or it should or should not have happened, everything you see and do gets filtered through that judgement. So you are unable to be compassionate anymore because you have already made a judgement. So you are not responding in totality. Response is conditioned upon your judgement. This is why many dissapointments and misunderstandings in life occur. We don't experience things as they are but rather we experiencec them through our judgments of them. This applies not only to our interactions with others but most importantly to interactions with ourselves.

This is why a lot of people in this world are restless, unhappy, sad and depressed. We are never content with ourselves. We always judge ourselves. Be it the way we look, things we have and not have, how we feel....we judge. When we judge our minds move in either the positive direction or the negative direction. It is never at it's equilibrium. When the mind moves we experience the negative and the positive. Of course when it is the positive we like it but when it is the negative we don't. But even the positive does not last long does it? Has anyone of you ever had a positive experience which lasted for months, years etc....the answe is "NO' becasue these experiences cannot and will not stay permanent. So you go on in life bobbing up and down like a yo-yo....and how frustrating that is.

When and if you develop the divine abodes the mind learns not to move. Of course this takes a lot of time...maybe for some it may not but usually it takes a lot of time and patience. But gradually the mind reduces the level of bobbing....and with that you come to experience a happiness that lasts much longer than a normal positive experience. It's a happiness not born out of an external stimuli but rather an internal response which has nothing to do with what's going around us. It's a happiness born out of knowing that no matter what, I can find my equilibrium....no matter what I can get my yo-yo to come to a rest, at least for a while.

It's a wonderful feeling to be able to do that. In it lies a lot of freedom; freedom from both elation (the positive) and disappointment (the negative). This does not mean that you become like a robot and not feel anything. In fact it's the very opposite....you become aware, fully conscious of the experiences but you are not moved by it because there is no judging involved. The feeling is incredible....I can only ask you to test this out for yourself.

Be patient and courageous. Have faith in the Buddha and Dhamma to guide you instead of you taking control. You may experience doubt, fear and even a sense of losing control...questions like "How can I?", "Why should I?", "To what purpose?" might enter your mind. That is why one needs a lot of courage and faith in the Dhamma. Faith is not blind belief but the conviction that arises out of your own experiences of the Dhamma. For that you need patience. Dhamma takes time to blossom in your heart...it's a life long process and not something to be achieved so that you can get on with life....it's a slow, gradual process to be unfolded.

So put forth effort from this day on to find that Dhamma in your heart. It's something worth putting all the effort and time you can find.....because it's the surest thing in the world that would give you peace and contentment!

Who are "Noble" Friends?

Thera Ananda once said to Lord Buddha, "Lord, a good and noble friend is part of the spiritual path", to which the Buddha replied, "No Ananda, a good and noble friend is the entire spiritual path".

Now those of you reading might think, "Hey I'm not following a spiritual path and neither am I interested...so this is not for me"....well wrong thinking. Whether you follow a spiritual path or not "Noble" friends are a very important aspect of life. Someone of you might think "Well I think I have plenty of good friends...so I am one of those few lucky people", well in that case read on...so you may admire the wonderful qualities of your 'already acquired' good friends.

We live in a world full of relationships be it a relationship between parents, siblings, spouses, relatives, friends, enemies or anyone we come to associate with. Each relationship has an influence on us whether we like to believe it or not or accept it or not. Also each relationship influences us in a positive way, negative way or typically do a bit of both. So it is essential for us to understand who influences us and in which way and whether that influence would make you a better person or not. Ultimately no one is going to hold our hand and take responsibility for our lives....you may have plenty of friends who sit by you, hold you, cry for you or do whatever but we are responsible for how we live our lives and who we become as humans. So it's important for us to understand with wisdom how to make distinctions....distinctions not to put others down, not to make ourselves feel good but make distinctions because they help us to become better people than we were yesterday.

So we need to recognise who "Noble" friends are. Let's look at what a "Noble' friend is not. A noble friend is not necessarily a person who will spend hours shopping with you, talking with you, watching TV, movies, playing video games, who tells you how slim you look even if you are not. You know sometime you have friends who talk to your face as your best mate but the moment your back is turned they tell stories about you, or talk about you; then there are those who are good with you as long as you are good to them; the others are happy to share your sad moment but when you are happy or having success in life they just cannot live it down; then there are those whom you reach for help but because of their advise you fall into bigger trouble; then there are those who encourage you to do wrong things...such as taking you to the pub when you having trouble. The list can go on....

Some of the things that I mentioned are very obvious but some come with very subtle things that start off as a snowflake that later turn into a snowball and then into an avalanche...so you need to be able to discriminate. Discriminate not because you don't like their face, or their family or what they do but because you see them for who they are irrespective of your personal likes and dislikes. Now I don't mean to make people look like monsters..sometime people don't intend to intentionally put you into trouble or talk about you undauntedly. They just do it because that's who they are. Sometimes not knowing what you do and what your actions and words can cause others is a far dangerous thing....so you need to know and be aware. It's like being in a jungle....you need to have a compass, you need to know that there could be wild beasts and that you cannot leave it up to the jungle to protect you, because if you did you can get lost and be destroyed.

A noble friend is not like that at all.

Quite frankly a noble friend is someone who is able to guide you in the right direction when you find yourself lost in life. A noble friend is someone who will be able to tell you that you are lost to begin with and show you the way out. A noble friend will always have your back and take good care of you. Sometimes you meet people who tell you things that you don't like to hear, but you know in your heart you know it to be true and that in the long run if you did as you are told things will become easier for you. Such are characteristics of noble friends. Noble friends also help you without expecting anything in return. They do things for you because it needs to be done and because it's the right thing to do and that by doing it your life is going to get better.

It's difficult to find noble friends these days, at least that's my experience. Also some of you might find it difficult to be with a noble friend. I use the simile of water and oil to explain this...they just don't mix. But the few I have found have made my life so much better; they have opened up my eyes and given me new perspectives that have helped me to have a broader outlook on life. They have also helped me to look at myself honestly and openly above all which has given my life a lot of meaning and substance.

So I hope all of you will strive to find noble friends and also in return be noble friends to others.

Curious about curiosity

Recently I started teaching at the Sunday Dhamma School at the Calgary Buddhist Temple. I was a little bit reluctant to take on the invitation to teach, since I had never taught children before. Plus I was not sure whether I would be able to relate to them and make them understand the Dhamma as I knew it. Anyway, throwing caution to the wind, I decided to take it up. It's been about a month siince I started and I must admidt that those 10 year old children have been wonderful guides in my teaching career.

The one thing that took me by surprise was their level of curiosity. I did not think children as 10 years of age would be, of all things, curious to know about the Dhamma. But I guess they do not see it as Dhamma. They see it as just another topic for them to know, understand, be curious about and fun with. I find it very refreshing. They are never shy or hesitant to ask questions and all kinds of questions. Wonderful perspectives, inviting more questions. I find with each class I take, that my knowledge of the Dhamma increases just becasue I need to be able to keep up with their questions.

After being a Human Resources Professional for about 8 years and using most of my career for training, development and coaching of adults, I find that children have a sense of curiosity unparrelleld to most adults. It made me wonder why?

One reason could be because they have an open mind undiluted by years of what we call "experience". Hence, they tend to absorb things fast and because they have little previous training they have little to match against what is being taught. So, things stick easily. Becasue they know little, they also tend to ask questions to learn more, grasp more. I guess in some ways they are building their 'future templates'.

This is greatly helped by the fact that they have very little ego. Ego is having a sense of who we are. The bigger the ego the bigger the sense of who I am. If one has a big ego, then one is less likely to learn because learnig is taking on new and different perspectives, new ideas, and unlearning and relearning what you already know. So a person with a big sense of ego, will not find it easy to learn new things, becasue that means they have to put their ego aside, at least for a while. Putting the ego aside means letting go of your sense of self worth for a while. For adults this is a very difficult exercise. That's why some people go through the same problems and issues in life over and over again without changing their way of approaching that issue. Also as adults we need to worry about how well our ego looks and matches up aginst the rest of the world. So asking a question, basically showing that you may not know the answer is a tough one. So many adults pretend to know, understand rather than ask questions. Isn't that why there are so many misunderstanding in the adult world?!!! Or isn't that why sometimes when an adult is given instructions, despite showing full comprehension, they go do something totally different to what was told?!

Children, in my opinion, have very little ego. So they are not scared to ask questions. They are not scared to voice an opinion and certainley not scared of learning something new without questioning why they ought to learn it or the validity of what is being taught. I find that very refreshing.

I wish that most adults would cultivate that level of curiosity in themselves and their children. Of course I don't mean the curiosity to know what your neighbour is up to, or what everyone else did during the weekends or who is wearing what and the list goes on. This kind of curosity is actually a way of building up your ego. Are you curious about others because you want to talk nice things about them? More often than not we are curious about things and others becasue we want to make ourselves look good compared to others. Or becasue we are jealous. "Oh they have an increadible wardrobe, a great body, I wish I had that"....and so on.

The kind of curiosity I'm talking about is the kind that helps you to learn something new that would add value to your life. It's the kind of curiosity that would help you to gain a fresh perspective, a change in direction in life and a way to solve a problem that you may have struggled with over and over. It's the kind of curiosity that would help you to see the truth, no matter how difficult that truth may be. Basically, it's the kind of curiosity, if developed, that can make you a better person.