Reflections on Death

An uncle of mine is suffering from liver cancer and he may have a very short time to live. My mother told me recently that he was found crying on his bed a few times recently, even though he doesn't know that he's dying of cancer and that he may have a short time to live. It made me reflect on death deeply during a recent sitting that I had.

Death is going to happen sooner or later. Whether I would die as a young person, a middle aged person or an old person is an uncertainty. But all I know for a fact is that I will die. How I will die is also not certain. Will I die of old age? Will I die of sickness? Will I die of an accident? I won't know until the time arrives. But I know I will die.

But despite the certainty of it, Death seems such a far away concept. I don't feel death with me right now. But I guess, somewhere, somehow, my uncle can feel death even though know has told him that he's going to die probably within a year or less.

I tried to put myself in his shoes in my sitting. I can tell you that I am glad I wasn't the person who was dying. It's not a good position to be in though, it looms over our hear every single day. I used to be scared of even the thought of it. But over the last few years I have become less scared of thinking about it. But to actually feel that you are dying is something else.

I can understand his tears. It could be for many things. But mainly it was for either sadness or for fear and most likely for both. Sadness for what and fear of what, I contemplated?

Well sad that you have to leave and lose. Death makes us leave things behind and it make us lose our own bodies which we have come to treat as "me". Death makes us leave those we love, parents if they are alive, partners, brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, our houses, business, pets, monies, unfinished things, unsaid things, undone deeds. It also makes us lose our bodies. But since birth for how many years we have lived (the longer the worse) we have come to see and treat this mind-body process as one single entity called "myself" and death bring a sense of closure to it. I lose myself. It's a great sense of sadness.

This is also a fearful thing. I found losing myself to be a fearful thing. Because there are so many 'what ifs' that cannot be answered. We live our whole life trying to answer the 'what ifs' and 'buts' or at least adjusting and modifying our surrounding and people to answer those uncertain times so that they become a little bit more certain but death is that final uncertainty. We have no answer to give no strings to pull to steady the ground any more. We have to join the ride whether we like it or not! The great irony of it all.

I found when I contemplated that this is a scary proposition. I mean it can be scary if we've lived all of our live in one direction and one fine day we have to suddenly shift gear in the other way.

I found great compassion for my uncle at this point. For nothing could be more worse than dying unless you know how to die. I could feel and understand his tears because I know what they were for. I have done much metta meditation with him as my object recently, because that is the best thing I can do for as long as he lives. Perhaps, the energies will be absorbed somewhere and somehow. If for a moment it brings release then it will bring him a moment's release and that will be good enough.

But more than for him, for my own self, it was a time to think and feel what it would like to die. I found that it wasn't easy. Just like one has to get ready to go on a trip, death too is a journey that one needs to be prepared to for. A disorganised trip is a pain for those who are on it. In the same way someone who is not prepared for death, it will be sad, fearful and painful process.

These are my reflections on death.

Perspective Taking

I remember learning about perspective taking in Child Psychology many years ago. It was about when children learn that what you see may not necessarily be what others see. It's done as an experiment. Two children are playing with a doll. The doll is hidden from the view of one child. But the other can see the doll. So, the child that can see the doll learns, that the other child isn't able to see the doll because of the barricade even though he/she can do so. This is called perspective taking. Being able to see from the other persons point of view. Basically putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

It's incredible that this ability which is gained in early childhood which is supposed to expand during life into adulthood isn't learnt and developed by many.

The reason for many broken relationships, interpersonal conflicts, work place issue, broken friendships (of course these being small things) to bigger things like murders, wars and torture and many other horrendous acts of crimes are due to our inability to exercise "Perspective taking". A simple thing that was supposed to have been learnt and possibly may have been learnt but have not been expanded to many other critical areas of life is standing in the way of life itself.

As I mentioned before, perspective taking is being able to see if from the other person's point of view, vantage point and NOT from your own point of view. As in the exercise the child that can see the doll, were to see it only from her/his point of view, will always see the doll. But to understand that the other person cannot see the doll, the child has to release the grip he/she has on his/her own perspective and step onto the seat of the other child and see it from there without physically moving to the seat of the other child. It's a mental activity. It requires imagination, a willingness to let go, a willingness to see something different and to finally accept that there is an actual difference according to the other person.

All of the above actions take great empathy, compassion, love, patience, letting go of your own view, sense of pride and many more acts of generosity.

Now, unlike children when we grow up, some of the beautiful qualities that we inherently bring with us die with us in the growing up process. Some of the qualities are killed by our own loved ones and some other are destroyed by our own selves. But all are done in order for the so called "survival" and "protection"in society. But as ironic as it may sound, it is what causes the destruction of society but first and foremost through the destruction of the very being that subjects him or her self to such acts of selfish desires and stupidity.

Yes, they are acts of selfish desires and downright stupidity. The inability to take a perspective is totally drives by selfishness and lack of understanding. There are some who are unable to do this, due to illness such as mental disorders and lack of mental development but the rest of us have the ability at our disposal at all times but we do not use them because we are selfish and the selfishness is driven because we fail to understand that when we become selfish we cause the greatest harm to ourselves.

When we fail to see from other people eye's or take a walk in the shoes of another, we lose the opportunity to cultivate beautiful qualities of our own hearts like, compassion, love, empathy, letting go and get rid of negative emotional states such as ego, competition, hanging on to one's views and opinions, being stingy, being demanding or commanding etc. As a result we lose our chance to grow as a human. In that we become less. The energy we give to the world becomes less and negative. It's contracted instead expanded. Not magnanimous but contracted. So, this is the aura that we build around us.

If that's the aura we build around us, then we will attract similar aura's to ourselves as a result. So, we have a contracted aura we will attract contracted aura's to ourselves. So, beings, humans or otherwise will be attracted to us. Even karmic causes negativity will arise in the mind more and more as a result. This is the harm we first and foremost do to ourselves. Then this will impact those around us.

As I said before, lack of understanding of this leads people to do selfish things. So, a person who operates in this manner will do, say and think things that are hurtful and harmful to those who are around them. There will be conflict and and sadness, stemming from such acts of those who are unable to take perspectives. Basically, it's going to be unpleasant to stay around such people for a length of time. Because, they will always be right and the other person always wrong, even if they themselves are in the wrong there will be no acceptance as there is no understanding that what they do can cause hurt and harm to another. People will also generally would not tolerate such people. There will be complaints if they work at a workplace because they will not understand the impact of their actions and words.

On the other hand, those who are able to take perspective will cultivate positivity and wholesome qualities. So, they will have a positive aura around them. They will have a positive aura about them and people will feel sense of comfort in their presence. They will be easy to be with not because they are "fun" people but they genuinely care about the well-being and welfare of those who are around them. They will have less interpersonal conflict. Even if such cases were to arise a person who is able to take perspective will apologize, when they are in the wrong and make amends and take corrective actions instead of simply demanding the world to adjust themselves according to their views and opinions. They will be easier people to talk to since they will be able to step aside from perspectives they are holding and stay in limbo to listen to someonelses's views. A person who cannot is usually very rigid and will feel like a wall and as if nothing is going in.

All the above qualities makes it easier for people to have lasting relationships with a person who is able to take perspectives.

Of course, perspective taking should not be done only for one's convenience and benefit. I am quite sure there are politicians and business people who are pretty good at perspective taking but who are not sincere at all about the motives. This is not what I am talking about. I am talking about perspective taking which cuts across all boundaries and even one's own likes and dislikes. This brings us closer to nature and universal laws of all beings and a state of harmoniousness within and without oneself and with nature. A state which can bring one close to a state of great equilibrium which bring a great sense of ease and peace.