Adaptation of a "Single Story"

Recently I listened to a talk by a Nigerian woman on diversity called a "Single Story". In essence it was how we think of a country, a race or a group people based on a single story we hear about, experience etc. This she says is what lead to discrimination. Her talk was based on a collection of stories from her own experiences of how she herself discriminated and judged other based on a single story and how she experienced discrimination and judgement from others based on a single story.

When I listened to talk, it revealed more that the issue of diversity. For me it revealed many aspects of humanity itself. Our prejudices, our attitudes, our insensitivity's, inability forgive one another was all there in this one little talk. It was beautiful to listen to. So, I wanted to write a blog expanding and adding my thoughts on how we all from time to time get caught up in 'Single Stories" and how we ought to get out of them.

Think about it, the moment we like someone, we are caught up in a single story. We like/love someone because of something wonderful in them or something wonderful they did to us or because they are known to us. Now just because of that does it make this person a wonderful person? It's like a serial killer isn't it? They have a family and they love their children and wife or whoever in their lives but they go on other people's loved ones. But if you ask their wife and children, their would probably say "Oh my dad is a wonderful person": we are caught up in a single story.

In the same way, think of a person you hate, dislike. They may have done you wrong or your loved ones some wrong. But that alone doesn't make that person a bad person. In the world how many of us pass negative judgement on others, based on a story we hear from our friends, or an experienced had by a loved one?! Again we are caught up in a single story.

Some people, life itself becomes a single story. Death of a loved one, death of a child, the fact that they were raped or molested as a child becomes who they are that all other experiences in life fades away to leave them with the horror, anger, hatred of one experience they had for maybe only minutes in their lives. Isn't that sad?

The Buddha was so wise to point this out many centuries ago. He said that we should see things for what they are and not according to what we want them to be. We see things through prisms of Desire, Aversion and Delusion. The moment we wear these lenses we don't see the total picture. But we wear them anyway. We always carry these lenses with us and take them out at any given point of time when we encounter an object through any one of the senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and thinking).

But we never see that we put on these lenses. We are so used to wearing them all the time. It's like putting on sunglasses the moment the sun is out. The moment we encounter an object we put the lenses on usually the first two are in combination with the lens of Delusion. Then all is distorted. Anything that follows the contact, any thinking, speaking, acting is just simply wrong. Because it stems from a mis informed source.

So the Buddha said to investigate: to never to take things for what they are. Always to look and see until you see the same from many angles. This increases your chances of getting the story at least partially correct. If you are lucky you may get all the angles and see it properly. It's like taking a flight and climbing to greater heights. The big overwhelming tree suddenly becomes small and you also see that there is a river close by. So things are not that bad. But you have to get a bigger and better view.

It's hard to do this. To remove yourself from a single story to making a larger story or a story with many angles. Because sometimes, we begin to see things that we don't necessarily want to see. Sometimes we want the story to unfold in a certain way but as we start investigating we start seeing things we don't like. This makes us uncomfortable. Well, this is the beauty of the Buddha's teachings. He said that we should always bend our knowledge and our understanding to our direct experiences. Not the other way about. So truth take precedence even if we have to drop all of our pre-formed knowledge, even at the expense of great discomfort.

I loved this talk, not only because she spoke with great clarity, openness, insight, but because the talk contained many aspects of humanity which she did not explore. It also, for me, contained many aspects of the teachings of Buddha that I have come to cherish and that I try to apply into my life.

On Being Busy!

The last few weeks I have contemplated on being busy. Personally I am not a very busy person. This was a conscious decision few years ago when I realised that there was more to life that just running the rat race that we all run. There was something more that we need time for. With that I decided to cut down on things in my life. It didn't come hard for me but those around me it came as a shock. For some it was rather unpleasant and other it was something of a socially deviant thing that I was doing. But by this time I had subject myself to doing things according societal norms but none had brought me the promised 'satisfactions', so I was going to listen to myself. I always had good instincts but sometime despite those, was too adamant when my instincts told me to go in a direction which would not have brought much approval from the rest of the world. But finally I was willing to give it a try.

So now I have much time to meditate and reflect and contemplate. I find that it had made me much stronger over the years. I am less moved by what goes around me, the opinions, praise and blame of others. I find that I have a house and a safe place inside me that I can walk into anytime and in that I am always welcome and loved and cherished and that I can find peace, quiet and even moments of bliss and happiness in the midst of darkness outside. I am truly grateful for that.

So, now I have looked outside of my life the last few weeks. For I have encountered the word "busy" many times from many people from around me. I find it rather interesting that we all like being busy. Being busy gives us something to do, to occupy ourselves with and our time with. With that we no longer feel alone, bored, unworthy, left to our own devices, unloved and without meaning in their lives. So we like being busy. It's funny that people don't know 'WHY' they get busy in the first place. I think if they only did they probably will not get busy as much as they do.

I met people who work because they want to be busy, they study because they want to keep busy, they want to look after their grandchildren because they want to be busy, some want to have children because they want to be busy....but I don't think they do these things because they want to be 'busy' but because they want to be loved, find meaning, feel worthy, feel that they belong to someone, or something.....either way we all have this burning desire to feel part of something. Why?

Because our 'EGO' cannot stand on its own. We are in essence are very weak. I understand this because I have investigate this within myself. The need to be. We need to get occupied with things sometimes anything because we want to belong. We need to be part of something. So we do things in a very selfish way. This is why people get disappointed. When other don't meet your expectations, when other let you down or criticize you or whatever, we feel resentment or disappointment because we do things out of selfish desire. If we did things for the sake of doing, then none of these self centered needs will arise.

So, in order to free our EGO, to make ourselves stand on our own we need to first and foremost see ourselves very clearly. We need to put ourselves in the microscope. But the nature of the beast is that when we are so busy doing things and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, there is not a moment to breath or a moment of rest to put ourselves under the microscope or even take a peak through that lens, and even if we do both, there isn't the time to understand and process what we just saw. So, we keep on rolling with the punches, as they say until the last punch throws us right into the coffin. But what use will that do to us?!! This is my biggest questions.

I mean we live life, and other live life trying so hard to make a "life for themselves" so they say. They all say that. They do a job, buy a house, a car, raise a family do many more things to "make or build a life for themselves" but they don't take the time for themselves and they are in the centre of the drama: they are the main character of the play. When the main character of the play is weak and doesn't know the lines, can that play or movie or drama be a successful play/drama or movie?! NO! So why? Why all this hullabaloo to run around and do so much and get busy when you are the one who is being run down to the ground?! Why not take the time and treat as if you were the main character of your own movie for goodness sake?

But I doubt people will ever see it like that. If I tell it the way I said it above, they will say that I am being selfish. But really ask yourselves am I being selfish or am I asking you to be realistic?

What is also ironic is the world is so programmed to think busy and reward busy. A person who is not busy (now I don't mean someone who is lazy and sleeps all day and is like a couch potato) in people's eyes should be a monastic or should be living in a temple. But these days even the priests are too busy! The world presses and oppresses if someone takes that time to contemplate and to meditate and live that quiet life. It's hard to have that choice that almost as if you are being discriminated for wanting that. Isn't that ironic.

My wish for myself above all is that I would find more moments of quietness and time of reflection as I continue this life. Whatever the future may hold, I value the moments of reflection greatly. They are a source of strength and great understanding. No books or degree has ever given me the kind of understanding and strength that has some about through meditation and contemplation of Dhamma. I am truly grateful to the Buddha for that. My wish for anyone else is that they in their hearts would know this truth as well. All we do, be it great or small, comes to and end someday, and there is nothing we take with us except the time that we have spent with ourselves in those quiet times. If we haven't done that, then we have wasted a precious life we have received and death would be in vain.

Depth of expectations and subtlness of letting go

In life we all have myriad of expectations. From the moment when we are born to the moment we die, we live on expectations. We expect to be fed by our mothers, we expect love from those around us, we expect to get our salaries in the bank account at the end of the month, we even expect good weather according to weather reports. Our expectations our like soap suds. Subject to bursting at any given moment without our permission. Because of this we suffer. That suffering is called disappointment. Usually we blame something other than ourselves as the cause of our disappointment. Because we are never attuned to what really goes on in. The real cause of disappointment is what lies within. Our expectations are the cause. So, we always need to look within. Not look outside and look to find blame outside. Looking within we should not blame ourselves either.

Anyway, then comes letting go. The word has become famous now. Almost a fad in my thinking. But sometimes, I wonder whether people really understand what letting go really means. Anyway, whether there is real understanding or not, when one let's go of one's expectations, then there is freedom from suffering that comes from disappointment. Letting go doesn't happen in the outside. It happens in the inside. It's happens between you and the thing. It's a response. For example. Let's say you want to eat chocolate. The real letting go is being able to still like chocolate but not want to eat it. Nowadays what people do as letting go is, dislike what they don't want, so that it's easy to not to want what they actually want. This is wrong kind of letting go. Proper letting go is you still like what you want but you cannot desire it the way you desired it. I remember Ajhan Brahm saying it so aptly (I am not sure how exactly he said it but he said it something to the effect of) you love your enemy not hoping that he would change but so he could continue to be your enemy. Isn't that such a lovely freeing way of living and looking at life.

Anyway, today this hit home for me in meditation. I felt the depth of my expectations and the subtlness we have to develop in letting go. Our (at least my) expectation run deep. They have taken root like oak tree over many many life times and uprooting them it hard. It takes much effort. In order to uproot such deeply rooted expectations (desires) I have to cultivate such a subtle sense of letting go. It is only through that, that there is any hope of realising the Dhamma and the dept of a Buddha's teachings.

So in my meditations I realised how attached I have gotten to my own realisations. As a result I have developed expectations in my own meditation. While I am not suffering from it. I can see my expectation lurking in the depths of my mind. If I am careful and develop letting go at deeper levels I will eventually suffer and my meditation will fall apart. I realised that today. This came about in the most proper time. It was only a few days ago that I got an email from Ayya asking me to give up everything and her only advice is for me to let go of everything. Then only to find that I am hanging on to things in my own mind.

So I am writing my blog so that I remember in future how deep my expectations are. My desires. I celebrate thinking that I am letting go, only to find that I am getting trapped again in my own desires and own expectations. They may not seem obvious to the outside but they are as real as they can be in the inside. They are as strong in the samsaric cycle to keep me trapped for many many lifetimes if I don't see them. The only remedy to let go. But at much subtle levels. So hard to see. And so difficult to do I find. When my own ego rears its head up again and again wanting to assert itself. Wanting to heard again and again. To feel the need to exist.

Things can only be put to rest when only seen and understood through Dhamma

If there is anything that I have come to obey that is Dhamma the truth of nature. There IS such a thing. It CAN be seen and felt. It's hard but it is possible. Over the past three years I have come to obey it and worship it over all other things and trust in it's power. But because it's so hard to see, I still struggle with myself and with the nature of things. But life, despite many of it's difficulties, has been very kind to me in many ways, in presenting Dhamma for my experience, very rarely though but I have seen it.

I feel I see life through a new set of eyes. Just as I see my own difficulties I also see the difficulties of others. While my own difficulties, some of it, I have been able to make peace with them, because I see them through my new set of eyes, I see the struggle of others because they don't have the benefit of seeing it through a different perspective. My heart fills with compassion for them. If only.......

This is the reason why I am writing the blog. Because after everything is said and done, after all of the hair splitting arguments and all of that, there is only one way to fine peace in ones heart and lay eberything to rest. That is to see things the way they really are. The BUddha said this 25 centuries ago. I used to read it with wonderment, amazement. It's almost like, the Buddha had a secret. But now I understand (with little I know) it was no secret. It was a simple statement but a very deep and profound one. In a way YES it is a secret because most of us are not privy to it. But it is always there for the taking.

The secret is to know, see things for the way they are. Anicca, dukka and anatta. The impermannce of things, the suffering of things and the non-self in things. How wonderful and how freeing it is. I am in no way implying or saying that I understand these phenomena for the way they are. But I have had experiences which have made me question whether things are permanent, blissful and a self as the way we think they are.

Being able to question, having experiences to get to the point of at least questioning, brings oneself enormous amount of relief. This is my point. It gets you new eyes! Then you don't look life, it's problems in the same old way, and because of that you don't suffer the same old way. On the other hand you don't go into euphoria the same old way either. There is a kind of a balance the mind gets to (in a manner of speaking.....certainly not equanimity that the BUddha speaks about but kind of getting on to the road) When this happens you are on a different ground and you begin to see others. Because they are the ground that you once walked on. It's not judging them but seeing them. It's like you've moved from grade one to grade 2. Now you see grade 1 students doing the same old math problems etc. You see the same old struggles etc....

Just like in school, you cannot take the exams for them...so in life the lessons have to be learnt by the struggler. Also unlike in school there is no chronological order to life. There could be 50, 60 and 70 year old people in grade one and 20, 30 years old who have gone past grade 12. Such is the school called life / Dhamma.

Either way, the heart will only come to rest when one understand and develops the eyes in line with the Dhamma. This cuts across all races, religion, cultures, countries etc. Dhamma is not BUddhist though the BUddha discovered it. Dhamma us universal. Things like loving-kindness, compassion, forgiveness, hatred, jealousy, generosity, kamma, rebirth, conciousness, nibbana are universal and will govern all beings irrespective of personal and individual beliefs and wants.

Until that common ground is reached people's hearts will not rest either and will not find peace either. But while I write this and I might sound an extremist in writing what I write, I will never impose my views on anyone. I will only travel my path firmly according to my understanding. Whether someone travels the path or believes in it or not does not matter to me for their salvation and peace of mind is their business and their responsibility. But Dhamma will always stand the test of time.

Mind and Body

It's been a while that I've written a blog. It's really not for the lack of things but somethimes I am not finding the time as I used to before. But I thought perhaps I could make a note or two today.

You know how it is...we think we are someone. I think there is a person called "Anosha". But according to Buddha it's only the mind and body combination together minifesting as an entity. But in essence, if one were to take it apart, there isn't a person called "Anosha". Look at it this way. We call a 'car' a 'car' But if all the parts were to be take apart, can we call it a 'car' anymore. So just like that as long as mind and body work together we can give names to it...."John", "Anosha", "Ranil", "Tubby" but the moment one were to go none will exist. This is symbolised in death in the way we know it.

But, what if we get to experience it while we are alive in our own body and mind process itself?! Would it not be fantastic! Well, that's what happened. It was one of the most wonderful experiences. It begs the question and makes me go back to what the BUddha said all these years ago that there all physical and mental phenomena are coreless and without a self.

When I was meditating yesterday, in my breath meditation, I had this wonderful experiences where I was watching the breathing but it wasn't me anymore. But there again was just the knowing of the breath. But there was the breathing. The full breathing. Complete knowing of the breathing in and out. Like a fan. Effortless, beautiful breathing and then the knowing. Almost a complete disconnection not an absorption that I has felt before but a disconnection. There was the knowing and then the breathing and nothing else.

It was not ecstasy. But it was just knowing and complete silence and peace. I don't know how long it lasted but after a while all that silence and peace gradually disappeared and then there was "Me' again...the thinking, all the thoughts, the analysing came back again.

I am getting shaped by these meditative experiences more and more, I find. I don't get them often. I don't expect them to happen either. But when they do, out of the blues, they seem so beyond the reality I live in. The memories are vivid. There is simply nothing comparable to anything that I have ever experienced in my life to the experiences that I have in meditations. Most times I don't even have adequate words to describe them. There is something that is unique, so pure....so calming, so intuitive about them. They are attractive and powerful but not in a sexual or in a wordly kind of way. They are subtle not staring in your face. But they are strong. They change your without even you knowing it. But it takes time.

I am glad by it. The Buddha must have been a very wise person. For him to have laid down a method so clear to have survided 25 centuries he must have known what he was talking about really well and he must have been an exceptionally skilled teacher. I am forever grateful for him.

Rising and Falling of Mental and Physical Phenomena

I like meditating. It's like an experiment. Only thing is that instead of a lab you are in the meditation hall or your room or where ever and instead of equipment you are using whatever objects that come into your minds eye, be it a physical sensation or a mental object. Also like in an experiment, you put the necessary conditions, ingredients together and wait to see what's going to happen....you don't make the reaction happen...you just wait for it to happen no matter what it is; maybe nothing happens, maybe something happens but whatever it is it contributes to your understanding......this is just like what happens in meditation.

A couple of weeks ago, as I sat in meditation I experienced something fascinating. I have heard of such experiences but never felt it, like I felt it twice in two successive days.

First day, I had finished my meditation and it was a very peaceful sitting. I decided to listen to some deep Dhamma from a recent retreat I attended. Then I felt like meditating again. So I continued sitting for another little while. After finishing...I just lied on the bed and was relaxing because it was still pretty peaceful. I was still watching my mind and movements. I remember very clearly this thought coming into my mind "hungry" along with that I felt the saliva glands in my mouth start watering...they just started pouring out like water from a spring. Then I got excited because I realised that I (or whatever it was) just witnessed the rising and a falling of a phenomena. There was no involvement of "I". It was just a sheer unfolding of things. But I remember a 'watching". A clear "knowing". There was just the "knowing" of the thought arising and ceasing and then the physical movement arsing in the mouth and ceasing of it. Then I got excited. It was just out of this world.

It was so subtle but just wondrous. Just so unintrusive. Just a swift, gentle unfolding of a process. But there was the "knowing".

Then the second day. It was early morning on a Wednesday. I go to work. But I teach at a Church to illiterate women. I go early and go into the chapel and meditate for about 20-30 minutes. It very quiet because at that time there is no one there. So, this day too I had a good meditation. It was very peaceful and quiet (my mind). I decided to just sit with my eyes closed and just watch things as they rise and fall.

Again it happened. But this time it was "open eye' followed by my eyes being opened. It was wonderful. Again there was the "knowing" of the thought "open eyes" almost an "intention"an "impetus" to open eyes. It wasn't a command. It was an "intention'...like a 'push' and then when that fell aside came the physical sensation of the eyes opening. Oh! again I was just "what was that?!" Of course, along with the question, I also knew what it was. I didn't need any verification. I just knew what I experienced what the rising and the falling of phenomena.

It was wonderful. I haven't experienced any since. I don't expect to either. But just those too was for me is enough for the moment to arise such faith and confidence in the Dhamma. I am astounded in the Buddha's teachings all over again. He is just an incredible teacher. After all these years (I mean not just 100 years this is after almost 26 centuries) a disciples of his can still tap into the teaching and still (if they strive and have perhaps also good karma) can feel the Dhamma in its purity. How beautiful!

I just wanted to write the blog. Of course I would never forget this experience. How can I? Such experiences are hard to forget. They are too unique and they bring with them a sense of liberation, a sense of joy that nothing in this world can ever come closer to even bringing....so of course I will not forget....but I am human after all. So, I will write this down.

May I continue to be inspired by the Buddha's teachings as long as I live. My I continue to follow his teachings as long as I live. May I continue with determination and genuine effort practice the Dhamma, for without a day of Dhamma in my life, it will not be lived to it's full potential.

Blessings to all my teachers, my parents and my husband for supporting me as I travel this Noble Eight Fold Path!

What is Craving?

The Buddha said that Craving is the Second Noble Truth. It is the cause of all of our Suffering (Dukka). Craving is also known as Desire or wanting. As the Buddha pointed out there are two extremes to avoid: the one end of that continuum is self-indulgence and the other end is self-mortification. So, in craving or wanting one end of wanting is getting want you want (equivalent to self-indulgence) the other end is not getting what you want or rejecting everything (equivalent to self-mortification). At least this is my understanding of craving.

So we need to avoid both wanting and not wanting in order to let go of craving. What a powerful understanding!

I have been meditating for quite sometime now and have known this to be true. But only a few days ago did I see this within me with such power. I felt almost paralysed. I felt fear. How can I ever let go of something so powerful, I wondered. I have done all this work, to come back to the very root all over...I felt disheartened...but after some contemplation, I felt much relief. I felt that the road has been made clear for me. At least I know the way. It`s OK. Even if I come back to it a million times, I am coming back to a Noble Truth. It needs be seen again and again until I cannot see it no more. That`s what the Buddha said.

So I feel relief and I feel renewed in my efforts to walk the path with vigor. The work that needs to be done is much.

The more I see craving of wanting and not wanting, I learn to make peace with it, I learn to let go my craving. Even if that craving is for one little thing, even if that craving is for one moment in time. Ajahn Brahm, in his meditation retreat gave the most wonderful piece of advice, which I have taken in both my hands and put in front of my minds eye to see every moment of my day and that is `to make peace, be kind, be gentle and be patient`. I have found that to be an excellent antidote for craving and letting go of craving.

Of course, I will not pretend to say that I can do it all the time. There are many many moment that even when I remember his words so clearly that I am unable to do anything about it. Power of craving is such that you get swept away by it so fast that you are left helpless and it`s mercy as if a tsunami has hit you. But on occasions and they have increased over the last three years, I have been able to use those words to my benefits. To find peace, to put my mind at ease.

Sometimes, I do believe that when that very moment when the burning of craving stops and that feeling of relief and peace settles, I truly believe that in that there is that essence of Nibbana there. Even if it is a moment, a rarest of glimpse, a faint light at the end of the tunnel, I firmly believe that is what NIbbana must taste like. Like stepping into the fall air, crisp and full; feeling of total peace and relief. Like a workload being put down.

It`s an alluring feeling. You want to feel it over and over again because it`s such a relief like nothing has ever given you. Makes one appreciate the Buddha for what he has done and given to the world.

But despite all that, craving rises again. Its tentacles firmly gripping you in its power. I am amazed at it. We have no choice, almost. To some degree I have some to have a lot of compassion for people and less judgmental of those who are around me. I used to be very judgmental. I always thought I was better and that if I put my mind to it, I could rise above things and be better. I always wondered why other could not do that. But now I see that I am no better than others. That we are all just trapped (I mean not entirely) but quite a bit. It`s difficult. It`s not easy to establish mindfulness. It`s not easy to show loving-kindness, compassion etc. They are difficult to come by (I am talking about myself). So how can I judge another for their lack of it when I myself am struggling.

Craving is powerful. We don`t know this. Not knowing it makes it even worse. It`s like having a cancer and not knowing we have a cancer. Basically we will not treat it so it will continue to grow and we will suffer and suffer and we will in the end die of it. Craving is the same. If we don`t see it, it will consume us, it will make us suffer....oh it will not kill us, it will make us live longer and longer in samsara and suffer and suffer and there will be no end to it. At least with cancer there will be death but with Craving no such luck.

So let us work to let go of craving and find peace in our hearts forever!

With metta

The Old Faithful

My husband and I recently visited the Yellowstone National Park. It's famous for it's Geysers, hot springs and mud pots. The Old Faithful is its most famous geyser. A geyser is a hot spring that shoots up water because the rock bed the water is held is highly pressurised. But for me the Old Faithful held something more meaningful. The old faithful shoots up only at particular times of the day. When it shoots up, it stays for a while and then it dies down. It will flare again after many many hours when the rock bed pressurises for the water to shoot up again. It's inspiring and fascinating.

The Old faithful reminded me of the Dhamma and the rising and ceasing of our thoughts.

For me the shooting up of the Old Faithful was similar to how our thoughts appear and disappear in our minds. Though to us, seem so solid and so united...they are not. They are all stringed together like beads on a necklace. So close are they, that they give the illusion of solidity. Each thought appears and stays on for a while and disappears and then the the other appears. Just like the old faithful appearing and disappearing.

But it is so hard for us to notice it. Even if we know it, even if we notice the appearance of a thought, its; very hard to stay with it. Because they move so fast. Our lives move at such a fast pace that to notice the movement of our mind and the thoughts in it take extraordinary slowing down. That's what's achieved in meditation.

Focusing on the breath helps us to slow things down. We focus all of our attention on the breath, leaving the rest of the world outside. As we focus on the breath, which we hardly notice, in our day to day life, we learn to quieten our minds down. With that the mind quietens and slows down. This is why when most people, as they start to, meditate they get bombarded with thoughts. It's not that they did not have thoughts before. Its' just that for once, they are quiet enough to notice the thoughts. Anyway, with the breath slowing down, our thoughts slow down. Gradually and eventually we totally get absorbed so that when we come out of our meditation, we have slowed down so much that we are able to noticed the world in a totally different way.

The old faithful reminded me of the rising and the ceasing of the thoughts and with that everything as we know. It's a wonderful phenomena. The experience is hard to stick, no matter how much you notice it. I do find it hard when the going get tough at times. It takes much mindfulness to bring to focus all the experiences and keep the mind in balance. But when the mind is brought to balance, there is incredible sense of peace and happiness. You know in typical life, all we try to do, is justify, prove "I am right and you are wrong" or even to say something back to put the other person in order that others don't walk all over you is an 'EGO' assertion. But if I am able to bring a moment of mindfulness in the midst of all that chaos and know that it's all an ego battle and that there is no need for any of that "for this person called "me"' in that moment I find that peace. I believe, this is essence the peace one aims to find once and for all in Nibbana.

Watching the Old Faithful inspires you, because it's a natuaral wonder. It's a sight to behold.

So is Dhamma. Practice of Dhamma is inspiring but it is also very difficult. I find that much energy is required for the effort. I have done much in my life but nothing has asked so much of me like the practice of Dhamma. But at the same time, I have never felt like giving all of me, like I do for the practice of Dhamma. There is an intrinsic motivation and a sense of gratification that arises out of the practice of Dhamma that is so hard to explain. I am a person who gets bored with things easily. I need to be challenged constantly and my mind needs to be challenged and a sense of curiosity has to be aroused often in order to continue with whatever I do. Time and time again, in almost everything I have done in my life, I have found boredom, lack of inspiration but I feel Dhamma still has not failed to inspire me, it still has not failed to arouse my sense of curiosity. I am amazed and at the same time I am inspired.

Just like the old faithful, the Dhamma has remained an "Old Faithful' right by my side. May it continue to inspire me for all of my life and throughout my Samsara!

Meditation not a quick fix

Yesterday I met a very interesting old lady. Her husband had died two years ago and she is now living on her own. She told me that she missed him dearly. They had been married for 54 years before he had died. Now that he is gone, she feels empty. She said she cannot sleep at night anymore. She is on pills she said. But nothing works. Despite being involved in church and many other volunteer services, having friends and family she is having trouble getting to sleep. She feels as if everything starts to churn in her mind when she tries to sleep in the night.

She was asking me about meditation. She had heard that meditation is a good 'cure' for these kinds of problems, she said. So, she wanted to talk to me about meditation. After having talked to her I suggested that before she started meditation that she would benefit by looking at other alternatives to get her mind settled.

But my point is this.....'meditation' is becoming another 'fad'! It's becoming like something one can buy off the pharmacy for a cold, a cough and everything else. It is NOT!

Meditation, as I have known and as I have been taught by my teachers (Buddhist monks and nuns) is a way of life. It's not a "quick fix" or a "solution" to overcome personal problems, marriage problems, sicknesses or even to run away from lay life into solitude. Meditation is a life time commitment, that one has to undertake with great pure intention, with a big heart to give unstintigly to a process that would take years if not lifetimes perhaps to open up. One needs to be a silent and patient observer in that process. Fruits of that process, may or may not appear; you may or may not taste that fruit, it may be sweet or it may be sour, but through it all one needs to persevere. That is meditation. Meditation is a giving; not a taking.

So, please for those who want to meditate, don't look for shortcuts, take the long ardous path.

In this modern world we are so programmed to look for shortcuts. The quick fixes, the fast ways, the fast foods. But spiritual path, truth cannot be made to come to you fast. In fact, the harder you try the slower you go in the spiritual path. That's just the way of truth. But when you give yourself, diligently, without asking for much the path opens up easily. That's the nature of truth. It doesn't try to show off to you. When you give yourself to it, without hanky panky, it naturally comes to you.

It is unfortunate some people nowadays try to meditate looking, of course for relief. I cannot blame them. I can only feel compassion for the pain and suffering they have to go through. But if one meditates looking only for relief, then it`s not a good approach to meditation. Meditation is only one step in the Noble Eight Fold Path. There are seven other steps in it. They must all be cultivated togethether. Not just one in isolation will reap in peace or happiness. Of course, if one through meditation realises, jhanas or truth or come to have insights then that can lead one to make changes in ones life so that one walks the eight fold path in its entirety. But if jhanas don`t come, or insights don`t come, then one will be like an empty vessle.

So, it`s wise to practice meditation understanding the path taught by the BUddha. Not as a quick fix or to seek some quick relief. Nibbana cannot be found only in meditation. Nibbana, can arise in a mind that has been tamed in sila, cultivated in meditation that would then open itself up to wisdom like a flower that blossoms in its own good time. Like a ripened fruit, that falls from a tree. It happens!

Play of energies

Recently I was talking about about positive and negative energies and how those who are in lower realms have negative or low energies and those in higher realms have positive or high energies. So I thought of writing a blog, so I will not forget.

Unlike our bodies which are made out of physical elements, our minds are pure energies which change from moment to moment. Thoughts, I believe, are nothing but mere play of energies. Each thought carries with it a unique signature of energy which moves in the continuum of positive to negative energy with some lying in neutral. Energies, according to physics don't just die or disappear. So, whatever we think, create energies that carry from one moment to another, from one life to another and so on and on...

These energies depending on their strength and where they lie in the continuum, can be very strong or may not have any strength at all. Someone who kills his or her mother or father creates extremely negative energies which are very strong but are also very negative. But someone who attains arahantship creates also creates very strong energies but they are very positive. So they each carry with them their own results.

But of course it's only a play of energies. As the Buddha once said, "there is no one doing the deed and no one reaping the result". It's only the energies and movement of it from one moment to another. But for some reason, they require and existence and a physical body. I believe, this body part comes as a result of the ignorance. So, ignorance creates the physical appearance which feeds into the delusion and further makes one feels there is a doer and a feeler in the process.

In particular I was interested why Buddha so stressed the importance of good friends in travelling the path. I was also considering it in terms of energies. Of course while it is purely hypothetical, and while Buddha discouraged any kind of unnecessary speculations, I could not help wondering whether the play of energies also had something to do with it

Think about it. Energy is very powerful. We are drawn to strong energies. Sometime we are drawn to strong energies even if they are harmful to us. So, a friend who is not a "Kalyana Mitta" has negative energies, that may draw us in the wrong direction. If our energy is not strong enough, perhaps we may get carried away in the wrong direction. Or if we have negative energy that unites with the negative energies with another person that perhaps might a union with is not very beneficial.

In the same fashion, a "Kalyana Mitta' might pull us in the right direction. They might elevate us to a level that may have not been possible, had we been by ourselves. The Buddha, for those who met and learnt from HIM, was their biggest "Kalyana Mitta". The Buddha had enormous positive energy that could pull people out of depth of misery (of course not everyone)...but he had that ability. There could be hundreds of people who may walk the earth right this moment, who may benefit in the same fashion, if a Buddha had been born to this earth right now!

Anyway, my point is that I think we are beings of energies. I mean thoughts are what we create....who knows what thought exist in whose mind....a "thought" is also a concept we have created....but if we drop the concept....the thought is created as a movement in our mind....that movement disturbs something...and that creates something....what we call a thought is a moment of reaction in the universe...when two things collide in physics what comes out is "energy". So I believe, our thoughts are energies and as a result so are we (I mean in a conceptual sort of way).

Nice point to contemplate on isn't it...energies at play!

Generosity Explored

Generosity for us Buddhist is a term that is almost second nature to us. But in this blog I would like to take it to a deeper level. Sometimes I think we don't appreciate, at least as lay people, the depth of generosity Buddha spoke of. Over the past year and a half I have come to appreciate generosity at a deeper level: that does not mean that I am able to practice it at the same level but I appreciate it to the level generosity can be taken and can be developed. That is what I am going to write in my blog today.

So what is generosity? Well usually what we know of generosity to be of is, giving things to others. Be it food, clothes, money, offerings to the temple, donations, gifts to our loved ones and also to those who are less fortunate. When you go a little deeper than that comes giving our time, effort to someone or something without expectations or getting paid for what you do i.e. volunteering your time and effort to charity or Rotary, UN or the temple. Usually that is the level of generosity that people typically practice. I am talking at a very general level. But this is mostly what people call as being "Generous".

But Buddha takes generosity to a totally different level. This is where he starts teaching us how to move our minds from a mundane level to a super mundane level. Entire Buddhist Philosophy rests on the foundation of generosity. It is the concrete on which everything else is built upon....without teaching yourself to practice genuine generosity you cannot expect to march on in the Noble Eightfold Path because the Path requires enormous acts of generosity.

So Buddha started with little things first. Give food, clothes, money etc to whomever, whenever, because that is the first step. Then he said to keep the precepts. Did you think that keeping precepts were acts of generosity?! Well they are. Think about it. When you undertake the precepts to NOT to kill, you give another being the gift of life. When you undertake the precept to NOT to lie, you give another being the gift of truth. When you undertake the precept to NOT to commit adultery you give security and trust to another being, when you undertake the precept to NOT to steal you commit to protect what belongs to someone else and when you undertake the precept to NOT to get intoxicated you give another being the security of mindfulness and protection from breaking all the other precepts. So, here you put in the first efforts to firming that foundation of generosity.

Then comes the generosity of the heart! This is enormous. I mean until you become an arahant one continues to develop generosity of the heart. The development of the quality ends with the total extinguishing of the ego. For with any ounce of ego, there cannot be total generosity. In the same way, every act of generosity no matter how small it maybe, chips away at the ego.

So what is generosity of the heart? This is very hard to develop and few ever think of it. Even if they think of it, ever undertake it because it is hard to do. Easiest ways to develop generosity of the heart is to develop loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity (of course it's easier said than done) but we must try.

Simple things like forgiveness, letting-go of grudges, being able to deal with your angry feelings, feelings of frustration will be a good start. Sometimes, the pit fall of developing these qualities is that we think there is a goal to be reached. NO...there is NO goal to be reached. Only the journey to be savoured. If you make a mess out of the journey then you know for sure you will not enjoy the goal whatever that goal maybe. So in the name of being a person who is full of metta if all you can be is get everyone out of your way so you can have a peaceful life and a meditation then you are NOT travelling the Buddha's path, for sure! If all you do day and night is chant the metta sutta with diligence and you know all the words by heart and meanings and all of it but when the conditions are not right, you tend to get frustrated then you have lost the meaning of it somewhere. So please attend to yourself diligently!

Beyond the four sublime qualities, meditation IS the way to develop generosity in the heart. HOW? WHY? Even I used to ask they question. Even I struggle with that kind of giving where you have to give yourself totally. It's almost like there is nothing to hold on to except the teachings and your confidence in it. So you have to open your heart a lot. You cannot force it. It's like a flower. You cannot make a flower blossom. Just like that you cannot make generosity blossom in your heart. You have to give the right conditions, water, sun light, soil whatever it maybe, keep putting the conditions in so that the flower of generosity may unfold gradually, someday. But meditation requires a lot of generosity of the heart (after sila has been fulfilled of course..please note that one cannot expect to meditate with a soiled mind....words and actions needs to be purified before the mind purification starts and they all work hand in hand and one supports or hinders the progress of the other).

The other thing (of course digressing here) everything from our small days, we learn as lists. We learn the four noble truths as 1,2,3,4 and then the noble eightfold path 1,2,3...8 and so on and on and on.....numerous lists but only a few years ago it dawned on me that all what the Buddha taught it so interlinked that they don't go from one to the other to the next. They go like in circles and that it probably why it's called the turning the wheel of dhamma....they are tightly interlinked that we cannot separate one from other other. We cannot take what we like and practice just that just because we like it and not practice the other...you know some people say have just an odd drink...glass of wine is OK..it's really not drinking??!!!! So like that people tend to make exceptions to suite there likes and dislikes. But Buddha's teachings don't work like that. That's where generosity comes to play.

You have to give yourself to it completely. You cannot take bits and pieces just because you like it and exclude what you dislike. If you do, you cannot receive the Dhamma in it's totality either. I mean when you are sick and when the doctor prescribe medication to you, do you take the ones you like only?! And if you do can you expect a full recovery?!

Anyway, generosity at it's deepest level requires your whole body and mind. You need to give up both in order to experience Nibbana. But that's a long way away. In the meantime we have to savour the journey one step at a time.

If you are not a generous person (be honest for goodness sake, there is nothing wrong with it) try starting from giving little things away. Maybe your old clothes that have been hanging in the closet for many years. I know people who have had clothes they have not worn for 20 years and they still have them. Please give them away. Also examine why you cling to these. People do these things out of habit. They just like to see many things. Have many things. Have "Just In Case" things. Look at yourself. DON'T look at the other person...look at yourself. Try giving a little bit of your money away as well to charity.

If you have gotten past the first stage, then start practicing the precepts. Also be mindful. Know when you do these things. Don't just do these things just like when you brush your teeth in the morning. The Buddha said you have to have the Right Intention. Even if you do good deeds, you will not reap the full benefits or the full force unless you put intention behind it. Put your mind behind your good deeds and intend them.

If you already keep the precepts, then practice generosity of the heart. The beauty of the Dhamma is that the more you practice the more it will open doors for you to practice the Dhamma. As crazy as it may sound, it does and I believe it to be true with all of my heart. It's a silent force. Unfortunately, we are so in tuned with all the sounds in the world and the noises of our voices to hear the sound of Dhamma.

I have written a lot. I will stop with something I recently told my husband. It was on Nibbana. I think to experience Nibbana one must have an enormously large heart filled with generosity. Only then can Nibbana enter it. Because Nibbana is all encompassing. A small, shrivelled up heart, filled with greed, hatred, desire doesn't have the capacity to hold up something as big as Nibbana.

May your hearts experience the bliss of Nibbana!

Seeing things as they truly are

I never quite understood what it meant to see things as they were until about a week ago. It was a beautiful revelation. A quite humbling experience for someone who thought knew quite a lot about things and understood quite a lot. It also made me realise that life is never what it presents itself to be as. Beyond the endless complexities and apparent turbulences there is a simplicity to it that we need to open up ourselves to and completely surrender to. Then Truth appears like the Sun that's been covered up by dark stormy clouds!

You know when the Buddha taught breath meditation, he taught to watch the breath and know the breath and its characteristics. I finally realised that SEEING the breath for what it is, NOT saying to myself "Oh this is a long breath" or "Oh this is a short breath" or saying "This is a hard breath", "This is a soft breath", "This breath is fluttering", or whatever the breath is or is not....is where we learn for the first time to see things as they truly are. I had never felt more joy than the moment I realised this.

You know how in life, when we see, hear, taste, touch, smell it is always followed by a story in our head. We always have something to say about it. If it is something we saw, "Oh it's ugly" or "I like it" or "I just don't care much about it"....and so it goes on for all other sense experiences. But hardly do we experience things or see things for what they are without a story or a commentary in our heads. Think about it for yourself. Even when you meditate isn't it why you find it so hard to meditate? Because there is this voice inside your head that gets you to go the kitchen and think of what food to cook for dinner, or say 'Oh the body is not comfortable" or it's too hot" or whatever it maybe....there is always a story related to a sense contact or a story related to future or past, isn't it?!

When that happens we can never experience anything for what it is. Of course that is why we cannot keep our attention on the breath. Because there are too many other things.

But let's say it's the breath. Then we have to tell stories about the breath as well. When we finally shut down that chatter in the head/in our minds only can we experience and see things for what they truly are. Then the pure experience of things happen...just like the Buddha said. At that moment, even if it is for a moment, the mind has let go of hindrances and you see the breath for what it is and it is a beautiful thing. Or if it is not the breath, if it is the pain in your leg, you see the sensations travelling, arising and ceasing instead of as a PAIN that you want to get rid of!!

I also realised how breath meditation leads and supports Vipassana meditation. When you learn to see the breath for what it is and when you learn to sustain that attention long enough, you can then channel that awareness to mind objects as they arise and cease. You can see the mind objects one by one in its purest form as they arise in consciousness without the presence of hindrances but also not going or coming out of deep states of Jhana. But still it requires deep continuous concentration on a string of objects one after the other unlike in Jhana where concentration is only on one object.

What a beautiful thing. Buddha truly was a scientist of the mind!

Anyway, this was what I realised about a week ago. It refuelled my practice in a way nothing had ever done before. It was almost like doing an experiment and seeing that the method does work. I realised that Buddha's method does work. It does open up the path the way he said it would (I mean I don't know much but I saw just a speck of light in a far distance which appeared and disappeared but that was good enough). So it makes me want to try harder now with renewed vigor.

Reflections of my mind!

I just got back from a 9-day meditation retreat with Ayya Medhanandhi. This is my 3rd 9-day meditation retreat. During the last three years I have been privileged to go on retreats regularly. I can feel the changes in my mind states. It's funny in some ways to observe the journey my mind has gone through in meditation over the last three years.

Reflecting back, I remember the first retreat in Sri Lanka in early 2009. I was so frustrated half way through the retreat. I remember sitting in the shrine room and wondering what on earth I was doing there. My mind was going bonkers....seriously bonkers and I just tried and tried and the more I tried the more it went bonkers. In the end I just gave up and then it settled somewhat. I learnt not to push myself so hard. Well, I have a bit of a stubborn streak anyways. I guess that's my mind showing up...so I finally encountered it first hand and didn't know what to do. Then out of desperation I gave up and realised how to handle myself. I do have compassion for those who try to trifle with me now. People must feel real frustration trying to deal with me at times!

Then I went on my second retreat with Ajahn Brahm. I had expectations. I struggled with them. I was away in Australia and my husband had spent quite a lot of money sending me there and I felt the pressure of my own expectations. Again I struggled. I also struggled with my breath meditation. I could not relax. I could not relax enough for the breath to appear strong enough. So it was a struggle again. Half way through the week, I had a major attack of hindrances for a couple of days. But I stayed calm this time round since I had learnt from the previous retreat. I also learnt to let go of my expectations and relaxed enough to get some meditations. Again I learnt. I learnt to be patient despite odds stacking up against me from minute to minute, I learnt the importance of kindness, gentleness and making peace and what a difference they make to a turbulent mind.

This time I when I went for the retreat I did not feel the burden of expectations. I was relaxed. I was clam. I was willing to settle into the moment no matter in what form that moment presented itself to me. I found my meditation taking off. It's taken me many years, months and moments of much struggle, pain, frustration but finally I feel as if I am having a breakthrough. Of course I am also mindful of the fact that this breakthrough can also be fleeting. After all, all conditioned phenomena are impermanent. But while it lasts I will appreciate it.

Last three years of meditation and following the path of Dhamma for me personally has been like a little science project that I have undertaken on myself. I didn't think it would last this long. I tend to get bored with things easily once I start them just because things start getting into a routine and after a while it's the same thing being done over and over again. But ironic as it is, my life is a routine like it has never been. I have a routine that I follow like clockwork (hardly do I deviate from it). In it is meditation where you sit in one place without moving for a couple of hours a day. Yet, I am still to find it boring. In fact the more I meditate the more curious I become and the more interested I am in doing more of it. It is ironic that such outwardly boring looking activity can be so interesting and can generate so much joy and peace.

Meditation is also an activity that takes your whole being. If you cannot give everything you've got without expecting, you will not get much back. It' funny isn't it. In our life we are prepared to give and take. We are taught to bargain, exchange, work for what you get etc but here is something that requires all of your effort and all of your being and also requires you to give it without expecting nothing in return. The highest form of generosity is taught in meditation. It took me sometime to get used to this and get my mind around it (but it is still a learning). I am constantly inspired by that very thought now.

Meditation also teaches you to walk a fine line (the middle path). You cannot be too greedy so that you can exert so much effort to get it. You know in this world we are told that if you try hard, work hard, you can get somewhere, be somebody etc. but in meditation if you try so hard, your mind will contract and shrivel up. All you are left with is frustration, like I was left with. On the other hand you also cannot just sit back and wait for it to happen to you or do half heartedly or when time permits or when it's convenient for you. No...you have to put in all the effort you have without too much stretching. Then it takes off. Isn't that wonderful. The path opens up...it's like hitting that threshold. You know when a plane takes off or a rocket takes off it needs to hit a threshold to take off...like that the mind too has a threshold to take off on to the middle path. In meditation we need to find that. But it requires constant effort, every moment of the day, every waking moment.

The more I begin to see these, the more I develop enormous love for the Buddha and for what he taught. His wisdom is beyond my wildest imagination, his kindness I cannot fathom even in my imagination. He truly was an incredible being unlike and incomparable to any other. I do not wish to travel the Samsara long enough to see another Buddha but I do wish to see the Buddha by seeing the Dhamma.

Fooled by the Senses

My husband was in Victoria, British Columbia for a few days early June. During his visit he got to step inside a naval simulator. Basically, to step inside a concrete hall which looks like the inside of a control deck of a ship. It has a 360 degree glass window. Outside of the window, in the front you can see the front of the ship. A few meters away surrounding the entire hall is a white wall on which the scenarios unfold. For example, in one scenario you can see the horizon and in another some other ships, or in another you can only see the rough water for miles on end, or you can see the harbour or land or whatever the scenario the officers choose.

My husband said the most interesting phenomena of all was how he, including the rest of the people, was reacting to the movements as if it were really happening. He said despite him knowing very well, that he was standing on a concrete floor, in a simulation room, going through a simulation, he had no control over his reactions. He said he was grabbing for balance and that he was loosing his footing when the sea was getting rough. He was both amazed and amused by the experiences. While I did not have the good fortune to experience this, when I was told about it, I was happy to let my imagination run wild.

It was then that I realised how deceptive our sense really are. Yet, we depend on our senses to get by in this world from moment to moment, literally. Then if that is the case, how easily can we be fooled by our senses? Think about it! All the world and its experiences that we see, hear, taste, touch, smell are based on our senses seeing (eyes), hearing (ears), smelling(noes), touching (skin) and taste (tongue). Now, we readily take the input we receive from these sense to be correct, accurate and to be true, don't we?! Isn't that why my husband,was swaying and trying to grab hold on to whatever he could thinking he might take a fall, despite the fact that he was standing on unmoving concrete?! His senses, that he live by, get by on a day to day basis, tricked him. How else do his senses trick him?

Putting these two things together made me question, how sure should we be of our sensory inputs? Well the real question was how wary should I be of my sensory inputs? It also reminded me of something the Buddha taught a disciple of his, just before the disciple died.

During the time of the Buddha, there was a young boy (details really escape my mind) who ran behind the Buddha asking for some teachings. The Buddha was on his alms rounds. Now the Buddha usually does not want to be disturbed during this time. But the Buddha was able to see, using his super-normal powers, that this young boy was going to die soon but that he also had the karmic causes strong enough to understand the Dhamma. So the Buddha stopped to teach. Apparently the Buddha gave the shortest teaching possible. The Buddha said to this young boy, "Take what you see as just the seen; take what you hear as just the heard" and the Buddha went on his way. Apparently, this was enough to awaken the mind of this young boy to the Dhamma.

I believe what the Buddha said can be found in what my husband experienced in that simulation room.

Think about it this way. We live our lives, we do things because we react to our sensory inputs. When someone smiles, we smile back. If someone scold us, we cry, we get depressed or scold back. When we feel hot, we take a shower or switch on the AC. Whatever it maybe, all of our actions are determined by our sensory inputs. After all a dead person doesn't react or respond do they? Why because their senses have stopped taking inputs. But for us because our sense are alive and because they take inputs, we are forever reacting to them. We are being swept away by our senses on a moment to moment basis. We are wired and we are brought up to react this way.

When the Buddha said, "Know what you see as only the seen", he said to be aware of this phenomena. He said this in regards to all of the senses. He said that we should be aware that it's only the senses taking inputs and that there is no need for us to react. For example, the eye is doing the seeing and that is it! There is no other story to be told. Isn't that amazing! I mean how truly liberating is that. Usually what we do is, when the eye sees, we think "Oh I am seeing", then we say more stories, "Oh I am seeing that woman making this horrible face at me, how dare she?".....and the saga continues. Along with that the length of Samsara lengthens as well.

The Buddha told us not to be fooled by our senses. For when we are fooled by our senses, like most of us are most of the time, we tend to REACT instead of RESPOND. The beauty in what the Buddha taught lies in realising that there is no need to REACT but there is all the need to RESPOND because that is all the choice each one of us have. In how each one of us RESPOND lies the liberation of each one of us. For example, in my responding or reacting lies my liberation or suffering not yours or someone elses and vice versa.

Humility

I make it a point to have regular conversations with my meditation teacher, Bhante Saranapala. He has been my teacher for many years now. He has not only been a teacher but a great friend and an exemplary figure. I have learnt much from his formal and informal teachings.

One such informal occasion took place on the phone about two weeks ago. Of course he resides in the Mississauga temple. So I ring him up perhaps once a month or so. This time round, I had written an editorial for the newsletter and I had wanted his approval for it. Since I did not hear back from him, I thought I'd give him a ring. By the time I rang him up, he had already sent me a reply but as he always does, he took the time to talk to me. He praised me for what I had written in the editorial and said that he enjoys reading what I write because they are very insightful. Then came the surprise....he said that he learns from the things that I write.

I was so very pleased to hear that. My teacher learning from me! Hearing that from him meant a lot. Of course I was walking a few feet above ground level when it hit me. In what he said was something was of so value to me for my own growth. I almost missed that in my egotistical euphoria. It was Humility!

Think about it. As I said...he is my teacher, a learned monk, a Highly learned monk, venerated by many in society....him saying that he learns things from me.......me....just a nobody really compared to him. He didn't have to say that. In fact he doesn't have to say anything. He doesn't even have to admire and appreciate what I write and it's contents or whatever. He could very well say like so many others do and like I have heard so many others including myself say, "Oh I did the same" or "Yes I know". But instead he choose to do and say something quite the opposite.

It was after my ego calmed down that I picked up on something which he obviously did not intend to teach. But sometimes teaching is best done when someone lives the teachings. This was such an occasion. I was so inspired. Of course it gave material for me write another blog but it also made me realise how much I needed to cultivate the quality of "Humility" within me. In fact don't we all?

Think about it. Everything we do, we do to make ourselves look good, to seek approval, to make ourselves worthy...but in it all is the desire, the need to justify and satisfy the ego. When I write my blogs, I constantly remind myself as to why I write my blogs. It's not to get as many people to read them...no that's not the purpose...if it were the purpose then my blogs will serve no purpose other than to support and build up of my own ego. But my blogs are written so that I may gather my own learnings from life so that it's like a compilation of teachings for me...and if and when it's time for others to benefit from it perhaps I may share at large. But that is all.

But like this how much we engage in ego building activities. Be it buying a car, having a house, going on holiday and talking about it or posting numerous pictures on facebook...it's all part of making out a niche for my little ego. But to let it shrink, to make it's importance a little less is a difficult thing for all of us. In fact no one for even a minute would even consider this. Considering this would be next to craziness (although real craziness lies in feeding the ego more and more!)

When Bhante appreciated me, said that he learns something from me, he put his ego aside. He put aside his identification with his titles "Bhante Saranapala, Theravada Priest of over 25 years, PhD teacher, Meditation Teacher, Pali Scholar, Buddhist Scholar etc", he also put aside his identification and value he has placed with all the years of his experiences as a priest and a meditator. That is not an easy thing to do.

Look at yourselves. How easy is it for you to listen to a child? How easy is it for us as adults to listen and take the advice of a child, even if it makes sense?! Forget about listening to a child. How easy is it for us to listen to a different point of view from another human being of the same age group. My point is that it's not easy for us to put aside what we know and what we think of ourselves to be and the worth we attach to it and the worth that has been attached to it by others around us. It takes a lot of training and self-discipline. But unless we learn to do so, at least some of the time, we become hollow, we become mean, self-righteous and worst of all we fail to learn and grow, we become fossilised.

But it's inspiring to see humility when it happens. Especially to see it coming from someone who does not need to give it. I think it shows true spiritual maturity of a person. Thank you Bhante for teaching me another inspiring lesson!

Life: Birth and Death

My husband and I are flying to Toronto this Friday. I am not a fan of the flight taking off but I am a big favourite of the flight landing. I am always apprehensive of the unknown the take off of a flight makes me exposed to but I do like the landing because it's finally "home safe home". Someone who specialises in flying recently told me that the landing is more dangerous than a take off....but that hasn't made me change my opinion.

Interestingly flying reminds me of birth and death in an odd sort of way.

I think birth is similar to the 'take off' and death is similar to a 'landing'. When the flight takes off you don't know what you are going to go through. There could be turbulences, a storm, lightening, huge winds, volcanic ashes or in the worst case scenario a crash or an uneventful but perfectly safe flight! Isn't it similar to birth? Because when we are born we don't know what life holds for us. We might be sick, wealthy, poor, intelligent, stupid, be a drug addict, a scientist, a monk, happy, miserable, psychotic but whatever it maybe we just don't know. Birth brings with it this unknown and it's a scary proposition (at least to me)

On the other hand landing I find is similar to death. An ending of a journey. Whether the journey was a difficult one or an easy one, you have come to the end of it and finally you are free. Free from being stuck in an uncomfortable seat, perhaps you had an overweight person right next to you, may be you got air sick,or perhaps you slept all the way but whatever it may have been you are not free when you are inside of a plane. But when the plane lands you are free to get out and go to wherever you wish. Death brings with it a release; release from pain, sickness, attachments and it frees you to go wherever you wish to go to - just like a landing!

Despite the many variables that affect the 'ride' we call 'life' birth and death are always present and we will all succumb to it. There is no way out. So it makes me question as to why we celebrate birth and lament when death. It makes me question as to why we are scared of death and not of birth. I leave my questions for you to ponder on....

The Illusion of Control - a personal experience

When I was in my late twenties to early thirties, I became very controlling. I guess it happened over a period of time from my late teens to early twenties when my life was going exactly the way I planned or even better. I was very successful in my career, I was holding powerful positions, brushing elbows with powerful people, I was recognised for my abilities and my achievements, I was very influential and was able to sway very powerful people to do what I thought was best.....and after a while I began to believe that I could make things happen just by willing for things to happen.

But I hit a road block. Things started going out of control. It wasn't something that I was hit with all of a sudden. It gradually descended upon me. I realised this much later on. But at the time it was descending upon me, I began to feel frustrated, annoyed, angry that people were simply being 'asses'. So I thought I ought to 'will' more. Because I believed that I can do things and make things happen, I tried hard to put things back in place. To my shock, the more I tried the less control I felt. While I still had control over my career, the influence I exerted in the world, my personal life was falling apart. For once I could not control my own life. This was the biggest shock and reason why I started questioning myself.

I used to wonder why was it that I had such a grip on things outside but I could not do so in my own life. So I tried harder, to find that things started slipping through my fingers right in front of my eyes. I became disillusioned, I lost confidence in myself, I felt very very depressed, I also felt that I was being let down by my own principles and sense of morality and most importantly by my loved ones. Basically I felt that the whole world was going against me and that no one understood what the heck was happening to me including myself.

One fine day, about three years ago, I remember very clearly that I finally decided to stop trying. It was very intentional. The intention wasn't even wholesome when I think back because I did it out of desperation and I did it because I had enough of trying. But I was going to just stop!

It was then the miracle happened. I call it a miracle because what happened to me afterwards was something that I didn't think was possible.

It was when I decided to let go and stop complaining, stop trying to make things turn out the way I want and instead to do the best I can irrespective of what anyone in my life was doing to me or saying to me, that I felt a great sense of peace and release. It was almost as if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within months I felt a sense of confidence that I had never felt before. It had nothing to do with any success I was experiencing in my professional or personal life. It was nothing to do with any influence I was exerting on powerful people around me or on my loved ones. It wasn't because my life started unfolding the way I wanted it to or it was moving the way I wanted it to. But it was because for the first time in my life I felt a sense of peace. A sense of "I am going to be alright". It was the most powerful thing that has ever happened to me.

I haven't looked back since then...at least not until now. This episode in my life taught me some very important and valuable lessons that I would like to share with you right now.

It taught me that life, even if it is your own, is not in your control. Things happen whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, whether you change your jobs, change countries, change people around you....no matter what you do things will happen. There is so much you can do to change things.The best you can do is to do your very best with a sense of gladness for the opportunity given and let the rest take care of itself.

It taught me that I should not get carried away when things are going well for me and not get bogged down when things are not going well for me. Nothing lasts forever. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. We just need to be patient and continue to give our very very best. The illusion of control makes you feel you are doing things right and that you are doing your very best, so that when things don't go well, you always look to pass on the blame to someone else. More often than not we are not doing our best. We are too obsessed with "what's in it for me?" and as a result we are unable to give our very best. In the same way we are unable to love another person or persons.

It also taught me that I am responsible for how I feel at any given point of time and that it is my choice to be happy, unhappy, sad, miserable, angry, jealous, elated, peaceful etc. This is one of the hardest lessons I learnt. The emotions we feel are things that we already have. What another person or a situation may do, is bring out those emotions that are already within us. No one can make us feel things that we don't have within us!

I learnt that I cannot and should not try to escape reality, especially when that reality is not pleasant or it's not the way I want it to be. You need to face it directly. Otherwise, it's like a ghost chasing you and you running to save your life. You cannot out run a ghost. It will always find you. I learnt to face myself instead of looking at the person in front of me and trying to pass the blame. I learnt to face the hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration and look at them squarely in their faces within myself. Through that I found peace.

I also learnt to forgive....again this was a hard lesson for me. Forgiving was tough. Because it meant that I had to give up the reasons that gave me the right to hate another being, even if that being had hurt me, done and said things to me which I did not deserve by any means. In forgiveness I found my peace. I was not burning, I did not have to figure out ways to be mean to someone else. I didn't have to carry the baggage of past with me anymore. I felt free.

I learnt that peace and happiness come to you when you let go of your controlling. That you become an easier person to be with for others and more than that an easier person for you to be with when you stop being controlling. I learnt that peace and happiness are things to be found within and that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can ever give it to you or teach it to you. You need to dig deep down to find it within your own heart.

I learnt to be more humble and understanding of people's shortcomings. We all try to do one thing at the end of the day. And that is to be happy and have some peace of mind (some of us are not aware of this but this is what we all strive for). Just as much as I tried to control things because I believed that, that was the way to find happiness and peace, so do others. People's intentions at most times are not wrong or harmful they are just skewed because of lack of understanding, just like mine. So I try to find compassion whenever possible when I find those who are controlling of things and even of me.

I learnt to enjoy the present moment. This moment is all we have and all we will ever be. The rest is our memories of our past and anticipations and hopes of a future. Neither can be experienced for what it is. You can experience only the present. I have learnt to have fun and lots of it by being in the present moment. It also leaves me with little room to grudge, find fault and complain.

These are some of the lessons I learnt through some the darkest of days in my life so far. The only thing I try now is to put these lessons into practice. I am less worried about the results but I give myself to whatever is at hand. I try not to indulge myself with thoughts of past and future but instead live this moment to the best of my ability and if I mess it up I will forgive myself and move on. I try not to be so confident that I can make things happen and that if I were to 'will or try a little bit harder' things could be better. As a result over the last three years, I have felt a sense of great unburdening. I feel free, happy, peaceful more often than not. I feel as if I am seeing things through a new perspective.

My wish to whoever reads this, is that you may never have to experience darkness in your life. But as a human being it's an inevitability. We do experience ups and downs in life. It may be big or it maybe small but open your eyes to those moments, see them clearly and most of all learn from them. They can unfold some of the greatest gifts that you can ever receive in this journey we call life.

What is suffering?

The aim of practicing the path of the Buddha is to overcome suffering and ultimately transcend dukka. Now Dukka and suffering have two distinct meanings. They are not the same. Some of us think that Dukka is suffering. But that is not a correct understanding. Let me explain to the best of my understanding and experience.

Dukka is a natural law. We have no choice. Dukka will always be there whether we like it or not. Being born is dukka, being sick is dukka, dying is dukka, receiving blame is dukka, losing loved ones is dukka....and there are many other factors that make up dukka. We all experience one or more things from time to time. Even the great Buddha himself experienced sickness, old-age, death, blame etc.

However unlike dukka which is a natural law, suffering is a choice. We have the option to suffer or not to suffer. Now isn't that a wonderful thing!!! How is that so? Well suffering is a reaction to dukka. For example, when we are sick, in addition to the sickness we suffer because we think "Oh why do I have to get sick?", "Why me?", "Why now?", "What did I do to deserve this"?, "How can this happen to me?"........many such questions lead us towards the path of suffering. When loved ones die, we say "Oh why did they die?", "They should not have died so young, it's unfair", "I cannot live without them"......many such lamentations.

Now whether we like it or not death is going to happen; our parents, children, partners, sisters and brothers are going to die; we are going to die; we are going to be sick and old and we are going to get wrinkles, white hair and those wonderful phenomena that come with old age....these things happen because that's the way it is. But when we react to it, that reaction brings suffering.

So what causes us to react? Because logically if you figure out what causes the reaction then we can figure out how to address the cause which will stop the reaction and as a result any suffering. Well the reaction happens because of craving. In other words, we desire or we want something else and not the dukka that we are experiencing. For example, when we get sick, we want NOT to be sick. Now that wanting NOT to be sick is called suffering.

Another example, we go on holidays. Well we have to come back home. Now coming back home after a holiday is not as bad as thinking "Oh I don't want to go back home", "I'm not looking forward to going back to work".....so what makes you suffer is your wanting for your holiday to continue and your wanting not to resume normal life.

Even the Buddha and the great Arahants had dukka but because they understood that that is the way things are, they did not suffer from it. The Buddha was said to have suffered from severe diarrhea during the last months of his life. Imagine how painful that would have been. Imagine if that were to happen to us how miserable we would be. But the Buddha understood that having a body meant, that it would get sick, it was subject to decay, pain....but he was also very wise to know that complaining about it or worrying about it not going to change things other than make yourself and others miserable.

I know we are not as wise and capable as the Buddha, at least I am not. But we can certainly make a stride in the right direction. It's incredible that with each small step that you begin to realise the power and the truth of what he taught 25 centuries ago. But it's not easy. It's an uphill battle. It takes a lot of determination and courage and patience. I have read many management books and self-improvement books and I am sure that most of you have done that as well. Some of you including myself would have made great effort to be the kind of leader described in those books by striving to follow the methods, instructions given.

The path of the Buddha is the same. In fact I have found that it takes even more personal courage and determination because results are slow. You also find that at most times you have no companion on the path and that you are there by yourself and that you have to depend on your own understandings and learn to listen to yourself and keep to the code of ethics laid down by the Buddha. Also you will find that most people are walking in the opposite direction to the path you are taking.

So the chances that you get discouraged are enormous. The chances that you would questions as to why bother or why walk a difficult path all by yourself when all the others are having fun and walking the easy way will swamp your mind. So I would like to end my blog with the following story which I found in Steven Coveys book on "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". I think the story has the answer to the question why.

"Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is is steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lookout replied, "Steady, captain." which meant we were on a collision course with that ship.

The captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees"

Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees"

The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees"

"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees"

By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I am a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."

Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse"

We changed course.