Good Enough

I am a perfectionist. I am sure it's not just my assessment. I do like things to look perfect. I strive for perfection as much as possible in all that I do. I think I was like that as a child. Well mainly about school work and making my parents happy. They never expected it but I was happy when they were and made it a point to keep it that way. I guess I have been like that all of my life until a few years ago.

It's not that I started becoming a less of a perfectionist because of the toll it took on me. It was that life forced me to be and accept less perfection. I have chronic pain. It started as only headaches. Then it became constant. Then the shoulder and neck pain kicked in. Then the knees got a bit wobbly. Then tinnitus started and recently my sciatica issues started. 

Over the years Iv'e had to adjust my life and how and what I saw as perfection. I no longer could do things the way I once used and to the way I once did. I used to love cleaning my house. It was something I took pride in; to have a beautiful place spick and span, floors gleaming and everything in place and organized. But with time I realized I could no longer do it. I had too much neck pain and shoulder pain and my knees could no longer support me as and when I wanted them to. So I had to adjust. I first adjusted to doing less at once, spreading things apart so I don't exhaust myself in one go. But then with time even that got difficult. It didn't matter if I had time in-between cleaning, all other activities started to weigh in on me. So then we decided to have cleaners come in twice a week. It was not easy I can say. People don't clean the way you want them to. So I had to adjust my idea of what cleaning should be like. At least they cleaned the entire house in one go, which I couldn't do. Also they cleaned things that I never used to do. So why the big fuss. But because they came every other week I would resort to an in-between clean from time to time. But over the last year or so I have learnt to be ok with no cleaning between the cleaners visits. It's not easy for me. It's certainly not easy to cook leave stove top uncleaned over the weekend so that they would do it. But I have had to learn to do this. I have had to learn to say 'good enough'. 

I used to meditate everyday. I used enjoy the total silence that envelops you in meditation. But when the tinnitus kicked in, I felt like life robbed me of something so precious; my silence. It was incredibly hard to to cope with the constant noise in your ears/head. It took me almost 4 months to come to terms with it and stop wishing I were dead. Then I learn to meditate with it. With the noise filling up my meditative space. Then with time I learnt to be ok with and then with more time and as meditation progressed I realized the noise vanishes its own for the duration of my meditation. So once what was perfect was no longer and I had to learn to be ok with it. I had to learn to say 'good enough'.

With constant pain, I can no longer do things at the pace that I once used to. So I have to pace myself and what I do during the course of a day. It must sound insane to you. I am only 44 years old and I feel like I am in a body of a 80 year old. I am constantly having to resent my expectations of myself and body. I am constantly having to resent my head and emotions. I've been pretty sad lately. Mostly because of the pain and toll it's taking on my daily life. 

I feel like this is not how it should be. I feel like I am too young to to be 'not able'. I am no longer perfect...I never was but for some reasons I feel I am less than I am supposed to be. This is a hard bullet to take. I feel miserable and inadequate. I compare myself to others and feel that they do so much and I cane barely move a finger without hurting. I know there are people who are worse than I am. I have told myself that and have been able to move and adjust and go forward. But now I feel like I have reached a point where I cannot do that. At least that's how I feel now. I am sure I will be able to at some point. I really hope so. I mean I have always come through but this feel like a new low that I am unable to navigate myself in and out.

It is also frustrating to always having to say 'this is good enough'. I feel like I Have done that for so long. Perhaps this is the best. The 'good enough' is the best. I don't know. I don't feel like it. How can I say to myself 'this is good enough' when I am in pain and I cannot do things and function normal? I don't know how. 

So I feel like I am at cross roads or even back to square one feel. It's very frustrating and I feel incredibly sad. I don't know how to deal with myself and m emotions. It's like a cyclone and I feel like I am spinning out of control. Saying this is how it ought to be or 'good enough' is something I cannot do right now. It's not good enough right now for me. 

Pain

I have chronic pain. Its not just in one area of the body but in many. It comes and goes. But lately it seem to come and stay. It's been a tough 2 months and its only seem to getting worse. Pain is never easy. Physical or otherwise. I am sure all of you would have felt both at least once in your lives. Its no wonder to me that pain medicine is called "pain killers". Ironically pain feels like it's killing you a little bit at a time. 

To me what has become unbearable is the fact that it seems to drown me now. Before one thing stops another begins. So over the last few months I have had pain almost every day in one more more parts of my body. Some days I have managed to withstand and other like the last few days I have lost it.

Usually I am able to put things perspective and change how I feel by looking at what I go through, experience differently. I usually recognize that there people in this world at any given moment in time feel pain. Some most likely a whole lot more than I do. Some probably feel not just physical but mental agony. I also remind myself that there are people, who may have all that and have to suffer from hunger, thirst, loneliness and may others. So I have been able to keep my feelings from overwhelming me by recognizing that I need to put my pain in perspective. But over the last couple of weeks, I seem to be unable to do that. 

I feel like I am drowning and there is no shore in sight. I feel so much despair and sadness in my heart that I don't know if my pain is partly aggravated by my mental suffering. Either ways it's not a good place right now to be in. I have been prescribed many medications and injected and received and continue to receive physical therapy. But my body does not seem to want to respond. At least that's how it looks like right now. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself and how I feel. I cry quite a bit of the time. Sometimes I feel better after a cry, like today morning.

I have a meditation room at home. But I haven't sat for meditation for a while now. Mostly because of the pain. But today I went in and sat in front of the Buddha picture and cried my eyes out. I know He is not here to hear me or see me or help me out. But I feel His strength is out there. His kindness and compassion is still out there. Right now I don't feel any of it but I cried hoping for some of that in the universe to come and heal me and lift me up...at least a little. 

Buddha spoke of suffering as part of life....like being sick as I am now with pain. He said that one cannot do much about the suffering of the body. The body follows nature. One days its good and another day its bad. One day it's alive and another day its dead. SO the body follows nature. There is not much I or one can do about it. But He said that we can do something about the mental pain. This is where I am struggling now. My mental pain is like an arrow that is stuck in my mind. It's sticking and I feel like I have no control over it. But the Buddha said that this the only thing that I have control over. My feelings. Cause feelings come and go unless you look at it through aversion and greed. I suppose right now I am looking at it through aversion. SO I am angry on top of my physical pain. See the thing is it's easy to write that down but feeling it and allowing my mind to recognize it beyond me at the moment. 

I am sure this will pass at some point. I am about to go on holiday on an African safari. We've planned it for almost a year and now that it's only a few days away before I leave, I am struggling with pain. Life is an irony. It's sometimes cruel...or maybe that's just how it is. So today this is me. All messed up and sad and wondering what to, how to and when. I am planning to take a note book with me so I can write my thoughts down. Let's see how it goes. 

I hope I don't drown and suffocate. I hope that I come out of it strong. But thats a hope. Only time will tell how things span out. But I intend to hold what the Buddha said close to my heart. As unpleasant as it is right now, it has to end at some point. I just hope I can find a way not to wait. 

Life is Endurance

Strength of a life depends not on its length, health, gains, successes....it’s strength lies in its ability to endure. Wow!!

Endure through it’s ebbs and flows, hills and valleys, good and the bad, happiness and u happiness, successes and failures, tragedies, haeqrbreaks, triumphs, losses, gains all of it. Cause all that is life. No matter the situation,no matter who we are with, no matter how we feel and what we experience they all fall into any one of the buckets that wrote above and there are more. Actually let me correct that. The Buddha outlined them in his first sermon very clearly.

The reason why it seems hard, unfair, overwhelming is cause one cannot endure through it all. We don’t have enough cushioning around our hearts to endure through it all....isn’t that incredible?! Is this the answer to my questions earlier?! Maybe

Endurance can only be done through kindness and understanding for the suffering we all face including myself. Fighting, judging, anger is like fuel in a fire. It creates such a blaze and it burns everything down and that is not endurance. Endurance is more subtle and clam and gently and long lasting and time taking.

What is the meaning of life?

Almost 10 years ago I asked Ajahn Vayama what is the meaning of life. Her answer was so very simple. She said “it is to be a bit more beautiful each day”. I don’t think I understood her answer and 10 years later I am unsure that I do so either. 

I have tried to give my best and be my best as much as I can. I am sure we all do to the degree that is possible. But yet there is no end to it. When I say an end it it I mean there is never a quietening of the noise that’s constantly present. It’s like a roaring thundering fall. Is that what life is? A constant roaring thundering waterfall? Or does it have those times when it’s quiet and slow and gentle?

As I’m typing this I find answer to my own question. Yes it has all. Like the mighty Victoria falls has its peaks and lows so does life. Then why am I feel unease, maybe even confused or perhaps I am tightened?! Of what I ask? I wonder

Am I scare of the roaring thunderous flow of life? Or is it the never ending seasons of highs and lows. Why do u seem to struggle with it? What am I not seeing over and over agin?

There are times it feels so overwhelming and today feels like that for whatever the reason. I am 35000 feet above ground on a plane flying from Florida to Chicago and I am in pain? Confusion? Fear? Or perhaps a a mixture of all of that?! And I don’t know why...

Maybe I will never know or maybe it’s not to be figured. Maybe it’s this flux that I have to learn to comfortable with?!...the very thing that puts me at dis-lease over and over again. I don’t know how....

Every time I get on a plane it makes me think of life. At some level I relate a plane journey to life journey. Once you are onboard you are in for the ride no matter what. It might be smooth, it might be turbulent, it might be short or long or comfortable or uncomfortable...nevertheless you are in it and you move forward.

Somehow I see life to be like that. You have to move forward and onwards. I find that in life exhausting at times. I find plane journeys exhausting at times too. What do I do? How do I respond to it? I don’t seem to have an answer....somehow that is scary?! Is that what I feel?!

Is it the not knowing and not knowing how to respond or how to face things that’s making it all so overwhelming?! I wonder...I think there is some truth there. What am I scare of? The finalities, what ifs, how tos....what’s the point anyways...don’t things happen whether you like them or not or whether you want them or not? So then why worry?

I remember Ajahn Brahm saying no matter what you can be kind. Am I lacking in that department? Don’t I have the cushioning to withstand the bumps of the ride of life? Is that it? Or is it that I don’t have sufficient understanding? Or perhaps it’s a mixture of both?! Or is it my wanting to control? Is it my controlling nature that’s pushing me and egging me to have these fears because I cannot control enough or long enough to make things as smooth as I want it to me. Or am I controlling because I don’t have the understanding and the kindness to withstand and face me accept all that is different and changing...the ebbs and flows? The constant flux of life...

I hope for clarification. I yearn for clarification or some form of illumination within me....

Is life fair?

Good question. I am not sure. What do you think? 

Over the years I used to moan and grumble about things as being unfair or life as being unfair to me or even as being unfair to me when things don't go my way or they don't work out or go wrong...for me. But I don't remember complaining or grumbling when things work out for me, or when people are good to me or when things work out for me...do you do that as well? Probably! But I know I do and I know great many people do as well. 

So then is it the thing that is happening to us in a way that we perceive to be unfair, unjust, awful that makes us feel lousy or is it our perception/experience of it and vice versa? I think its more of the latter. I think it's a hard one to digest. Even for me as someone who has a strong inclination towards Karma and its forces, I still find it hard to accept things as they are. 

I mean look at a simple thing like the weather. It's winter here and it's been long one and harsh one to some degree. So last weekend we met this couple and the woman was not happy that winter had lasted this long. She's waiting for the spring. Now on the other hand I had a great winter. Now was that because 'winter' was different to each one of us or was it because our experiences and perceptions of winter was different? I think the latter. I mean winter is winter no matter which way we slice it right?

Then I look at the relationship I have with my mother-in-law. Very sour...I don't like her and she doesn't like me. Now my husband is the only common thread between us...if not we probably won't even cross each others paths or even if we did, we might steer clear from each other. But my husband loves both of us tremendously. He love his mom and I know he loves me much too. So Is it that she is bad or I am bad? Or we aren't lovable people? No its the perception and the experiences. At least that's my explanation of it for now at least. 

Isn't that crazy?

Sometimes we use these experiences, especially the negative ones, to say that life is unfair. Life in unfair because winter happens to be so long and harsh for someone of; life is unfair because I have a mother-in-law that I don't get along with, life is unfair because I don't have the job I like or the boss who is good, life is unfair because I have chronic pain, cancer, illness, life is unfair cause I have stupid children, or abusive husband or a cheating wife and it goes on and on and on.....I mean isn't that the case for all of us at some points in our lives. 

I used to watch quite a few wildlife movies and it's sad to see how animals are killed as prey by their predators. Then there was a scene a baby elephant died because of drought and it was hard to watch. In another one emperor penguins got stuck in a valley after a winter storm and they had to leave their chicks to die to save themselves and those who didn't died, until humans intervened to same the remaining. I said 'unfair'...or is it? I mean after all that's how things are supposed to be...circle of life and survival of the fittest, right? 

Then I watch trees and leaves and lakes and oceans change from season to season...the transformations are stark. Trees grown flourish in spring and summer, only to wither and shed and enter a long hibernation in winter months...then lakes freeze or dry out in some parts of the world. Some species go extinct only for us to discover brand new ones in the depth of the ocean or in a deep tropical forest....but they don't complain. No one says that's unfair. It seems there is an acceptance that, that's how it is. 

Perhaps this is the missing part in our lives. Humans by nature are willful and want to control, change and adjust their lives, surroundings to the way they see fit. It's great if we can do that all the time. But we can't. Time and time again we are shown how much we are not in control. Yet some how we forget it or we fail to accept it. We want to assert ourselves over things. Invariable this brings us discomfort...along with that thoughts of 'life is unfair'....

I think we need to change our way of perceiving and experiencing things. I mean my teacher Ajahn Brahm says change the attitude. He says that about all most all things, I should say. There was a time it used to sound crazy to me. But there was also a time I was desperate. So I listened to him cause he was a wise old monk. And as I changed I realized that life because an easier experience for me. It wasn't that things changed all of a sudden. They are for the most part very much the same. 

I mean my mother-in-law hasn't changed. She is who she is. I don't meet her. But there was a time even the thought of her drove me insane and my blood rushed through my veins and if I heard her voice I'd get an anxiety attack. But it's much better now. So I must have changed somewhere, even if it's an only a small change. 

I think we can all change how we perceive and experience things. I feel that life would start to fee like less of a burden and gruesome space if we do so. I must say this transformation hasn't come about easily and there are great many things I have to change my attitude about but it's a start. It's a movie the right direction. 

So I think in somewhere in my mind and hear I feel that life is fair. It is what it is...there are somethings that we cannot change no matter how much we want to. But what we can change is our perception, experience of it by changing our views of it. I think that's an easier thing to deal with than trying to change the world. One might say, why should I change myself? Why can't others? I used to say that and ask that too...but over the last couple of years I feel that I waste a lot of energy in asking others to change themselves..it also gets me angry and mad and makes me lose my happiness and peace of mind. But whenever I have been able to change my attitude and know that things are what they are no matter what my personal feelings and views are, then I feel I get to a better place. I don't have to constantly pull and push to keep things and manourver things. Instead I can sit-in peace and be happy.  

Politically Correct or hiding from the truth?

I feel that we live in a world that is becoming too politically correct. That's how I feel. I don't mean that we have to be mean and nasty to one another in how we use language; by all means we must be polite and show great sensitivity and care when we talk to and about one another. But I fear that at some point we will not be able to open our mouths and say anything without being criticized or condemned as being offensive to someone or group. I think that's ridiculous. 

I don't disagree that people have used language to marginalize and discriminate against people and groups. I do believe we have to have sensitivity and care in our use of the language but our approach to the use of language comes from many aspects of our lives and our experiences, our prejudices and biases, up bringing and even times we live in. Without paying attention to these factors and how they contribute towards shaping of our use of language, it's difficult to understand why someone might say things the way they say. 

I have lived in many countries. I was brought up in a South Asian culture, studied in an European country and lived in two North American countries. Each has their own way of using language and also just because it's considered politically incorrect in one country does not mean that it is in another. So we have to give ourselves a little room. Living in America currently feels like it's going through identity crisis. I lived in Canada before and before that in the UK. I'd say the English are pretty good at being politically correct but yet they have puns and wit that in some ways scratch at being totally politically correct. The Canadians are pretty good at being politically correct but sometimes nothing gets done. Cause everyone is concerned about making everyone happy and at ease. Sometimes it's so annoying that you cannot call a spade a spade. So there is waste of time and resources trying to be nice. I used to think Americans were pretty forward and expressive. But now that is being debated....

I mean there has to be a better way...a middle way of being able to say what you have to say but also do in a way that shows some sensitivity but also not so much as to lose the message. I mean I once worked with this student who had a bad attitude. She wasn't good at reading and therefore had a hard time doing her math. I recognized that after a couple of sessions with her. But what made things worse was her attitude. Perhaps she knew she was lagging behind but she was a difficult student. So after a few weeks I raised that with her tutors. Their response was to affirm what I had felt. But for some reason their way of addressing this issue was to make her a leader to a group of younger students to help her build her self esteem. It did not seem that they spoke to her about her struggles. Her attitude got worse as time went on and I refused to work with her at the end. 

To me it seemed crazy to not address the issue head on. I mean what's wrong with that. If someone is struggling isn't it because they don't know what's happening? Or may be they but they don't know what to do about it? This girls was only 7 years old. I think this was an opportunity missed.

Being politically correct shouldn't mean that we fail to address what needs to be addressed and tell what needs to be told. For heaven's sake what if the doctors don't tell us that we have cancer or we are dying...instead sugar coat it to make us feel better in our heads...then one fine day we get worse and we realize that we are about to go and there is a truck load of unfinished business. Think about the flip side too...

Today I saw on a FB post a thing called an "Up Syndrome". I was curious. So I read through the post. It was written by a mother who has had a baby with downs syndrome. But apparently now its called Up Syndrome...apparently it's feels not very good to to call it "DOWN' so now they call it "UP'. I felt that was a joke. I mean who are we trying to fool...ourselves? the child? the society? Or are we to lessen the hurt, the fear or the insecurity of having a child with 'Downs Syndrome". Is it going to take way the mental and physical challenges that life will pose on that child and it's caretakers? I don't get it..I really didn't think it was a good thing.

In some ways it's same with death. We now call funerals 'celebrations' and death as 'passing'. Why can't we use the proper term for it? What do we have lose? Or are we scared to face the truth? Are we sacred to face our own fears and inability to face the reality of things? I ask that in terms of all other stories I wrote here. 

Somewhere we need to stop this ridiculous way of being. I think deep down there is a fear and an inability accept these challenges of life that we face from time to time. I think our way of trying to lessen the sting is to give it a positive twist. It's like doing plastic surgery or botox. For a while, we might look good on the outside...but is that going to stop or slow the aging process? No. Then one fine day we look ourselves in the mirror and won't even recognize ourselves...because there will come the day when we won't be able to keep up with the surgeries and the injections and we will look deformed. 

Instead what's wrong with calling it what it is..yes it might hurt and it might not feel good. But learn to recognize that. Find away to work with yourselves to ease the pain in our heart and mind. The constant yapping that makes you want to change things from what they are, the nagging feeling that somehow things should be different. Sometimes no matter how much we fluff the terminology, it will not take away the pain and the hurt and the inadequacies that come along with it. It will not stop you from going to dark parts of your mind. 

I remember in Harry Potter, everyone was calling Voldemort  "He Who Must Not Be Named"...when Harry says the actual name they hush him. But Professor Dumbledore, I think it was, says that not uttering what you fear increases the fear of it even further. I think there is great wisdom in that. Then as the fear increases you are unable to do much about it. Its the fear that will rule you. So I think we owe it to ourselves to look at how we use language. Are we using it to runaway from difficult and challenging situations? Why do we need to sugar coat things? Is it for whose benefit? Ours or others? I think there has to be this kind of scrutiny...if not we are going to grope in the dark for long periods of time. That would be a sad thing. If we don't scrutiny these patterns we will also increase our chances of becoming mentally imbalanced...a world where we don't know what is and what is not. What is sad is that at some point we won't need anyone else to do that to us it will be done by ourselves. 

The Dhamma is a way out of the peril....dhamma invites and encourages one to look at things the way they are and find ways to accept them. Accepting doesn't mean being passive. In fact it is one of the most active states I have experienced. Acceptance as I know now, is not a 'Choice-less' activity. In fact you fully exert your right to have a choice. It also comes with great understanding and kindness instead of rejection or denial. When these things come together no matter how challenging the situation is or circumstances are we find a way. A way to see the ugly as ugly, the unpleasant as unpleasant, sad as sad, death as death, sickness as sickness, stupidity as stupidity. Instead of this making us feel helpless or vulnerable and victimized, this acceptance will make us feel empowered, we will find a sense of peace and security.  

I think we mustn't use language as a curtain to hide behind our challenges. It shouldn't be used as a means to lessen the sting. Because language is an external thing for most of us (at least that who we might perceive..away to communicate with the outside world). But we also use language internally. It is the same way we talk to ourselves. So why train ourselves to sugar coat things? If we do it externally there will come a day when we will sugar coat things internally. The results will be a disconnect with reality. No matter how much we sugar coat reality, it will still remain reality and we will have to face the brunt of it. Then what? Use drugs to escape reality? 

I think it's time we took a good look at ourselves and how we shape the world we live in...especially for the young ones. 

Born Free

Its been almost two months into the year of 2019. Seems like time passes away pretty fast....maybe I am getting old...or perhaps life is too busy and hectic. Either way time moves fast...

For about a month I've been watching BBC America and some of its wildlife shows. The one that I watched most recently was the Dynasties series. It was very interesting. It had four episodes each one following a different group of animals from a different part of the world over a period of time...long enough to see their changing dynamics, power struggles, life as it unfolds in real time. One was about tigers in India, another about Chimps in Africa, Painted Wolves was another one followed by Emperor penguins in Antarctica. It was one of the most fascinating series I've ever seen. I love wildlife and so does my husband. We've watched many over the years but this made us think deeply about how alike we are...humans and animals. 

The world seem to be increasingly becoming divided...countries, nationalities, races, religions but we forget despite all of these differences we are connected and are similar in so many ways that it is very unfortunate that we've become so segregated. It was even more so obvious when watching these groups of animals live, create their families and even die. 

As humans we all want to be loved, be free, have security, food, families....so do animals. They may not be able to tell that in words like we do or fight for their freedom like we do or protect their families like we do, but boy do they try. I cannot imagine anyone thinking or believing that animals are somehow lesser beings than us. That someone they don't feel. I just don't get a human who cannot feel for another being...no matter what shape or size or species it belongs to. 

It was heartbreaking to watch a pack of pained wolves moaning for the young ones that were killed by hyenas. It was even more hard to hear that when the female who was leading the pack for years left the pack to die in the lion territory but she was not alone because her partner too stayed with her. They both died. Can you believe that such loyalties exist in the animal realm? Perhaps  it is not their active choice but a long suppressed desire to stay with those you have strong bonds to the end...what we call an instinct. It was amazing to see the Emperors bring up their littles ones. A mother and a father putting themselves at great risk to protect and hatch an egg. To bring a youngling to independence. Don't we do that with out own children? Just because they don't feel like we do and perhaps are able to articulate why and how their do things and feel does not mean they don't in some archaic way feel the pain, sorrow and fear and at the sometime joy and freedom. 

We are truly born free.....free from the shackles of others. Perhaps we are born into our own shackles but certainly not of others...but as we grow and move in groups, humans and animals like for the most part, there is an interplay that is good, loving and protective but at the same time scary and fearful and destructive. I saw that in these creatures watching this series. I also know that from my own experience and that of other humans, that we too go through these phases. Whether we want to accept these things as common is up to us but the reality of that these things exist is undeniable. 

I think to cherish life is to cherish all living beings. No matter who they are, what they are. To believe in the sanctity of life is to believe that it applies to all creatures. I am so confused who humans create so much separation and that we put blinkers that make us stupid and see only one side of the story.