I am a perfectionist. I am sure it's not just my assessment. I do like things to look perfect. I strive for perfection as much as possible in all that I do. I think I was like that as a child. Well mainly about school work and making my parents happy. They never expected it but I was happy when they were and made it a point to keep it that way. I guess I have been like that all of my life until a few years ago.
It's not that I started becoming a less of a perfectionist because of the toll it took on me. It was that life forced me to be and accept less perfection. I have chronic pain. It started as only headaches. Then it became constant. Then the shoulder and neck pain kicked in. Then the knees got a bit wobbly. Then tinnitus started and recently my sciatica issues started.
Over the years Iv'e had to adjust my life and how and what I saw as perfection. I no longer could do things the way I once used and to the way I once did. I used to love cleaning my house. It was something I took pride in; to have a beautiful place spick and span, floors gleaming and everything in place and organized. But with time I realized I could no longer do it. I had too much neck pain and shoulder pain and my knees could no longer support me as and when I wanted them to. So I had to adjust. I first adjusted to doing less at once, spreading things apart so I don't exhaust myself in one go. But then with time even that got difficult. It didn't matter if I had time in-between cleaning, all other activities started to weigh in on me. So then we decided to have cleaners come in twice a week. It was not easy I can say. People don't clean the way you want them to. So I had to adjust my idea of what cleaning should be like. At least they cleaned the entire house in one go, which I couldn't do. Also they cleaned things that I never used to do. So why the big fuss. But because they came every other week I would resort to an in-between clean from time to time. But over the last year or so I have learnt to be ok with no cleaning between the cleaners visits. It's not easy for me. It's certainly not easy to cook leave stove top uncleaned over the weekend so that they would do it. But I have had to learn to do this. I have had to learn to say 'good enough'.
I used to meditate everyday. I used enjoy the total silence that envelops you in meditation. But when the tinnitus kicked in, I felt like life robbed me of something so precious; my silence. It was incredibly hard to to cope with the constant noise in your ears/head. It took me almost 4 months to come to terms with it and stop wishing I were dead. Then I learn to meditate with it. With the noise filling up my meditative space. Then with time I learnt to be ok with and then with more time and as meditation progressed I realized the noise vanishes its own for the duration of my meditation. So once what was perfect was no longer and I had to learn to be ok with it. I had to learn to say 'good enough'.
With constant pain, I can no longer do things at the pace that I once used to. So I have to pace myself and what I do during the course of a day. It must sound insane to you. I am only 44 years old and I feel like I am in a body of a 80 year old. I am constantly having to resent my expectations of myself and body. I am constantly having to resent my head and emotions. I've been pretty sad lately. Mostly because of the pain and toll it's taking on my daily life.
I feel like this is not how it should be. I feel like I am too young to to be 'not able'. I am no longer perfect...I never was but for some reasons I feel I am less than I am supposed to be. This is a hard bullet to take. I feel miserable and inadequate. I compare myself to others and feel that they do so much and I cane barely move a finger without hurting. I know there are people who are worse than I am. I have told myself that and have been able to move and adjust and go forward. But now I feel like I have reached a point where I cannot do that. At least that's how I feel now. I am sure I will be able to at some point. I really hope so. I mean I have always come through but this feel like a new low that I am unable to navigate myself in and out.
It is also frustrating to always having to say 'this is good enough'. I feel like I Have done that for so long. Perhaps this is the best. The 'good enough' is the best. I don't know. I don't feel like it. How can I say to myself 'this is good enough' when I am in pain and I cannot do things and function normal? I don't know how.
So I feel like I am at cross roads or even back to square one feel. It's very frustrating and I feel incredibly sad. I don't know how to deal with myself and m emotions. It's like a cyclone and I feel like I am spinning out of control. Saying this is how it ought to be or 'good enough' is something I cannot do right now. It's not good enough right now for me.
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