Pain

I have chronic pain. Its not just in one area of the body but in many. It comes and goes. But lately it seem to come and stay. It's been a tough 2 months and its only seem to getting worse. Pain is never easy. Physical or otherwise. I am sure all of you would have felt both at least once in your lives. Its no wonder to me that pain medicine is called "pain killers". Ironically pain feels like it's killing you a little bit at a time. 

To me what has become unbearable is the fact that it seems to drown me now. Before one thing stops another begins. So over the last few months I have had pain almost every day in one more more parts of my body. Some days I have managed to withstand and other like the last few days I have lost it.

Usually I am able to put things perspective and change how I feel by looking at what I go through, experience differently. I usually recognize that there people in this world at any given moment in time feel pain. Some most likely a whole lot more than I do. Some probably feel not just physical but mental agony. I also remind myself that there are people, who may have all that and have to suffer from hunger, thirst, loneliness and may others. So I have been able to keep my feelings from overwhelming me by recognizing that I need to put my pain in perspective. But over the last couple of weeks, I seem to be unable to do that. 

I feel like I am drowning and there is no shore in sight. I feel so much despair and sadness in my heart that I don't know if my pain is partly aggravated by my mental suffering. Either ways it's not a good place right now to be in. I have been prescribed many medications and injected and received and continue to receive physical therapy. But my body does not seem to want to respond. At least that's how it looks like right now. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself and how I feel. I cry quite a bit of the time. Sometimes I feel better after a cry, like today morning.

I have a meditation room at home. But I haven't sat for meditation for a while now. Mostly because of the pain. But today I went in and sat in front of the Buddha picture and cried my eyes out. I know He is not here to hear me or see me or help me out. But I feel His strength is out there. His kindness and compassion is still out there. Right now I don't feel any of it but I cried hoping for some of that in the universe to come and heal me and lift me up...at least a little. 

Buddha spoke of suffering as part of life....like being sick as I am now with pain. He said that one cannot do much about the suffering of the body. The body follows nature. One days its good and another day its bad. One day it's alive and another day its dead. SO the body follows nature. There is not much I or one can do about it. But He said that we can do something about the mental pain. This is where I am struggling now. My mental pain is like an arrow that is stuck in my mind. It's sticking and I feel like I have no control over it. But the Buddha said that this the only thing that I have control over. My feelings. Cause feelings come and go unless you look at it through aversion and greed. I suppose right now I am looking at it through aversion. SO I am angry on top of my physical pain. See the thing is it's easy to write that down but feeling it and allowing my mind to recognize it beyond me at the moment. 

I am sure this will pass at some point. I am about to go on holiday on an African safari. We've planned it for almost a year and now that it's only a few days away before I leave, I am struggling with pain. Life is an irony. It's sometimes cruel...or maybe that's just how it is. So today this is me. All messed up and sad and wondering what to, how to and when. I am planning to take a note book with me so I can write my thoughts down. Let's see how it goes. 

I hope I don't drown and suffocate. I hope that I come out of it strong. But thats a hope. Only time will tell how things span out. But I intend to hold what the Buddha said close to my heart. As unpleasant as it is right now, it has to end at some point. I just hope I can find a way not to wait.