Recently my meditations have been erratic. For the most part this week I found myself feeling lazy to meditate. There have been times I've felt like this and its passed. But this time round there seem to be a block. At least that's how I felt. With all that has been happening, today I thought I'd sit down even for a short while.
Ajahn Brahm always says no matter what open the door of your heart. So I thought I'd try that. I think I do but perhaps I may not do as he says for us to do. I started with chanting. I do that when my head seem to be all over. I realized that my mind was running around even through the chants. But I kept at it and things clamed down as they always do. Then I moved to relaxing my body. It was better by that time. After a while I was able to pick up my breath. Then once more my mind started the thinking process. Thoughts were everywhere. But this time I continued watching them, opening the door of my heart to them even though they were not supposed to be there. I let them be, I said.
As I continued watching them I realized something. Perhaps I had known this before but not felt it this strong.
I realized that when things get a bit rough my mind jumps. It's almost like being frightened. You know when you don't like something, how your mind reacts. Well mine does in meditation when things arise that I think should not be there. But when things clam down I clam down cause it's nicer and easier.
This was fascinating to me. Cause this is how I live my life for the most part. Especially during the last month or so with all the events, my mind has become frightened. Even when I was in Australia I noticed it many times. My mind jumps (almost like a strong quiver) when I feel the negativities around me. Not just thoughts but events and people. Then when things clam down I clam down and I feel much at ease.
I saw that in my meditation today more thatn I'd ever done so before.
Am I frightened of my negative thoughts, just as I am frightened of negative events and people around me? I find that interesting. For my mind seem to react so similiarly to the internal thoughts as it does with external events and people. When things are not the way I want, I get frightened and want to run away and get distracted but when things clam down I accept it with open arms.
Isn't this what Ajahn Brahm tells us to move away from? But then I seem to be embracing it. It seems to give me comfort cause embracing what I don't like is hard.
So what is this teaching me? That I ought to be more patient, tolerant, understanding. Or have a balanced place in my heart for the good and the bad. Or is it teaching me to move away from my reactions to these events? Cause these thoughts arise out of past karma but as my teacher says it's my reactions that create future karma. So in my frightened reaction I am creating my future karma which could lead to similar situations?
Hmmm....it's something for me to consider.
So in my meditation I am simply reacting to thoughts that are arising, which is the problem. This sounds exactly like what Ajhan says. Depressed about being depressed or angry about being angry...reactions. Instead he says to let it be.
Next time I meditate I must try to be this way. Of course I mustn't try to control which reactionary. Oh my...I got to stop this cause I will twist myself into a knot. I should just write and let it go and not think about it. All thinking leads to confusion. But I thought I'd write it anyway cause I really felt it very strongly today.
