Agony of anger

I have an angry personality. That means my tendency for the most part is  to get into pushing things away/rejecting things. That creates resentments, anger, frustration, ill-will, sadness, depression....the kind of negative moods that we in the Westerns world call in Psychology. I am prone to those.

In my meditations and my daily observations over the last five years I have noticed that when I allow my thoughts wonder and linger in anything for too long without proper attention to them, that they create a chain of thoughts that will ultimately take me to any one of the negative moods. It  may start as a positive one and the spin will for a while even be good and positive but it tends to fall in to a negative grove propelled by negative memories and fears for future. This is a pattern that I have recognised over  the years.

 

At first, I never used to even notice these things. I remember many years ago, I used to indulge in my negative thoughts. They gave me a 'rush'. It's almost a righteous feel that comes with it as if I am fighting the bad in the world kind of feel. And that would fuel me on. It would be for the most part based on memories of wrong things done and said by people that I thought I didn't deserve at all. For the most part I didn't deserve them at the time I encountered them. So, in my thoughts I would wage my acts of "my right to free myself from your unfair acts". These new thoughts that would be in response to something that happened in the past and something to which I could not respond, would be effective responses. But they are being conjured up now because I didn't have the chance to do them before. Almost a sense of I should  have done this or I should have done that. Then the other part is based on the future. If I foresee any future encounters with these people, I would envision things that might happen with them and things that would be said, and how I would respond effectively at a future time.

 

They all give me a sense of purpose. So I used entertain them with vigor. But as I used to not dwell too much in my past, my thoughts of what I should have done have disappeared. I don't remember having such thoughts or indulging myself in the wrongs that happened in the past like I used to. They may come and go but I don't get trapped in them in a manner that I cannot step out of them.

 

But what I get trapped in them now are my future fears. Like before they give me the same rush. But now I don't enjoy them. In fact I feel a massive drain of energy after a short burst of a 'rush'. I almost feel as if I am watching myself going through this process and being helpless to stop it. It's pretty frustrating. It's frustrating because I can see it but I cannot do anything about it. It is also frustrating because I know it's not going to take me to a good place but I am missing something to get myself out of it. I still feel as if with all the knowing that I want to give into it, even when I know that I am going to end up in a bad place. I know that it's going to make my so hot in the body that I can literally can feel the heat coming off of my own body, I can feel the pounding in my head, I feel giddy and yet I persist. God, hell must feel like this.

 

Does it even make sense? I mean how can I want to take myself to a bad place? It sounds crazy and stupid but I really do this to myself.

 

I am at a loss. I feel like I don't know what to do? Even if I knew what to do and don't have enough energy/will power or whatever you want to call it to put it into action so that I can stop this process from happening.

 

I was told once that I need to show compassion to myself for the pain that  I am experiencing because of this so that I may get out of. I also know that I have to put all my effort at the begging when I have the 'rush" when I feel good to get out of it before it snowballs into something that I have no control over whatsoever.

 

I feel like I become a black hole. A ball of negative energy and it sucks everything around it into it. Every thought, every experience, every encounter, every mood, every moment is sucked into the black hole and broken into pieces into that oblivion. It's darkness all over. It's sad to even write it down but I need to do it so I can get it out of myself. I can't be the only person in the world who feels this way right? I mean not that I wish to create a group of people like myself or associate people like that, because I don't. Not because I hate them, because I don't wish for anyone to experience the kind of darkness I talk about even for a moment because it feel as if you are breaking into thousand pieces all at once. Then into oblivion. Then again the rush, then the breaking and again the oblivion. It's a total roller coaster ride one I wish to step out of and one I wish no one would take a ride on.

 

This is the agony of anger. I am in agony when I am in anger. I don't care about the momentary rush anymore because I am in agony after. And it's painful - physically and mentally - exhausting, tiring, draining -  it is painful. May this be my lesson and hopefully I won't have to revisit this blog ever again for I will remember this and will be able to over come my anger when it arises from here on end.

 

 

 

 

Finding the beauty within

November of 2012, my husband and I travelled to the Grand Canyon. It was our first time there. We stayed inside a park hotel. The next morning we were having breakfast in their dining lounge just in front of the canyon. We had a great view of it. From where we sat we could see may layers of colours and shades of the rocks. We also could see people walking on the sidewalk, taking pictures even though it was a cold morning.

 

It was then that I realised that as human beings we travel farthest and withstand great challenges to see the wonders produced by nature. But only a very few of us take that same passion, commitment and effort to travel to see the great wonders of our inner world. I told this to my husband and he nodded in agreement.

 

It's an irony to me that we spend so much money, physical effort to travel and see beautiful places and have relaxing time. Without such times, we would be totally stressed with the demands of life and would probably feel drained. So, from time to time individuals plan to do away, typically to some scenic place, beach, forest or whatever that may be of joy and comfort to them. Some of course do more challenging things. They climb the Everest or the Kilimanjaro or go Benji jumping, diving, white water rafting and many other adventure challenges. But all in all, we go away to escape the demands and mental stresses of life so that it would bring a sense of rejuvenation. Yet only a very few would dare jump into the crevices of our minds. Enjoy the hues and colours that surround it. Enjoy the beauty and the immense tranquility and sense of peace brought by being one with oneself.

 

I love to travel and see new places. It brings me a great sense of joy, comfort and a time to gather myself. It also allows me to appreciate all that I have and is in front of me - gifts to be grateful for. But I also enjoy being with myself. Enjoy it's quietness like that of an evening sunset, it's ups and downs like the valleys and peaks of a great mountain, the flow of thoughts like that of a great gushing river, the waves of emotions like that of an ocean and the stillness of a great lake undisturbed by the winds.

 

But most of us don't even know that such things exist and are not observers of it. We are rather passive bunch of passengers in a bus. I wondered why this was so.

 

We are salves of our sense world. Our ears, nose, eyes, taste, touch and ultimately our thinking. Everything that our make up, is a preparation for us to take everything outside of ourselves. From our early days, we are taught to recognise our parents, loved ones, learn to read and develop friendships. Of course without these we will struggle to survive in the world to some degree. But as we grow older, we forget that apart from what is given to us by our physical senses, there is a totally new world lying, waiting to be uncovered. No one trains us to do that. Our schools don't teach us that it's important to get in touch with our innermost selves.

 

Some of us are more tuned in rather than out. So, some of us become observers to some degree of the ever changing mental world and it's challenges than others. Such people will gather some understanding of their mental world, and see the beauty and even touch the deep levels of tranquility that lie. Those who don't will continue to battle with what the six senses have presented, basically with the world and know and feel the world only through those senses.

 

As I was watching the people walking on the side way, looking at the canyon, I saw those who would see with their eyes the layers of colourful rock formations, hear the wind flapping around their ears, feel the early morning cold and the warmth of the sun but would probably at the same time think unhappy thoughts or thoughts of great plans for the future, worry about the people back home who they have left to come on their holiday, not being satisfied with the breakfast provided by the hotel, unhappy with the beds, or wanting to see more beautiful parts of the canyon and many more. Their minds would have held the same hues of colours, the warmth generated by yearnings for future plans and dissatisfaction for what has happened, winds of moods, layers of hidden emotions, fears, wants and likes. But because they were so engrossed in the world around them, I wondered how many would noticed what was going in the world inside them?

 

I feel that this is a great tragedy. We have precious little time in this world. The first 10-15 years or so in our lives are used for growing up and getting familiar with what is around us. The last 10-15 years, if we are lucky, we will have flailing senses, breaking down bodies. So, we are left with about 20 -30 years so, little time to do all that we do in life - getting a higher education, finding a job, getting married and having kids, getting a car and a house and going on trips to see the world. In that window of time, if we fail to take notice of what is within us, I feel that we have wasted a good portion of who we are in order to fit into a world that we would never have and never be fully part of.

 

People talk of legacy and I think it's a way we come to terms with our need to continue live. No one who is dead can appreciate their legacy. No one who is dying will want to think of the legacy that they will leave behind. Even at the time of death we will all cling to a one more moment of life not our legacy in death no matter how appealing that would be. So, when we dedicate our lives solely to making a life on this earth we waste a precious opportunity to take with us a legacy that we can be with from time to time.

 

That legacy is the oneness of ourselves. Each time we become one within us, that is a legacy that no one will see, or will be able to put in a plaque, but it is something that you will experience for every moment that you live, those who are around you will experience. But to have that we need to take a trip inwards. A lonely trip. Not one where we have the whole family and our friends joining in. Where we cook our food, sit down and have a drink and have a gossip about things that won't make much of a difference to ourselves or themselves. A trip that only you would undertake. A quite one which requires enormous time, sacrifice and effort. But unlike any trip that you would take in like or scenery you would see in life, this trip will grant you incredible understanding of the world, of people borne by an understanding of your own self. It will fill you with wonder that thousand Grand Canyons will not be able to do. It will give you peace and tranquility like thousand sunsets and sunrises. But we have to take that journey within. It's a rocky road. Very bumpy to start with but as you go in, like the deep oceans that don't carry waves, you will find solid footing.

 

 

So as I was sitting at my breakfast table, I wished this for those who were walking. I firmed up my determination to continue on the path. To me the Canyon showed that life is to be uncovered on layer at a time. Just as the Canyon dug itself to the bottom of the Earth, so it asked me to continue to do deeper in to my inner world. As it's beauty was opened to the world with each layer carving into earth, it reminded me that our greatest beauty lies within. The Colorado River as it flowed to the Ocean was a symbol of our great flow of life and how we all flow towards one thing and in that that we are all connected to one another.