In my meditations and my daily observations over the last five years I have noticed that when I allow my thoughts wonder and linger in anything for too long without proper attention to them, that they create a chain of thoughts that will ultimately take me to any one of the negative moods. It may start as a positive one and the spin will for a while even be good and positive but it tends to fall in to a negative grove propelled by negative memories and fears for future. This is a pattern that I have recognised over the years.
At first, I never used to even notice these things. I remember many years ago, I used to indulge in my negative thoughts. They gave me a 'rush'. It's almost a righteous feel that comes with it as if I am fighting the bad in the world kind of feel. And that would fuel me on. It would be for the most part based on memories of wrong things done and said by people that I thought I didn't deserve at all. For the most part I didn't deserve them at the time I encountered them. So, in my thoughts I would wage my acts of "my right to free myself from your unfair acts". These new thoughts that would be in response to something that happened in the past and something to which I could not respond, would be effective responses. But they are being conjured up now because I didn't have the chance to do them before. Almost a sense of I should have done this or I should have done that. Then the other part is based on the future. If I foresee any future encounters with these people, I would envision things that might happen with them and things that would be said, and how I would respond effectively at a future time.
They all give me a sense of purpose. So I used entertain them with vigor. But as I used to not dwell too much in my past, my thoughts of what I should have done have disappeared. I don't remember having such thoughts or indulging myself in the wrongs that happened in the past like I used to. They may come and go but I don't get trapped in them in a manner that I cannot step out of them.
But what I get trapped in them now are my future fears. Like before they give me the same rush. But now I don't enjoy them. In fact I feel a massive drain of energy after a short burst of a 'rush'. I almost feel as if I am watching myself going through this process and being helpless to stop it. It's pretty frustrating. It's frustrating because I can see it but I cannot do anything about it. It is also frustrating because I know it's not going to take me to a good place but I am missing something to get myself out of it. I still feel as if with all the knowing that I want to give into it, even when I know that I am going to end up in a bad place. I know that it's going to make my so hot in the body that I can literally can feel the heat coming off of my own body, I can feel the pounding in my head, I feel giddy and yet I persist. God, hell must feel like this.
Does it even make sense? I mean how can I want to take myself to a bad place? It sounds crazy and stupid but I really do this to myself.
I am at a loss. I feel like I don't know what to do? Even if I knew what to do and don't have enough energy/will power or whatever you want to call it to put it into action so that I can stop this process from happening.
I was told once that I need to show compassion to myself for the pain that I am experiencing because of this so that I may get out of. I also know that I have to put all my effort at the begging when I have the 'rush" when I feel good to get out of it before it snowballs into something that I have no control over whatsoever.
I feel like I become a black hole. A ball of negative energy and it sucks everything around it into it. Every thought, every experience, every encounter, every mood, every moment is sucked into the black hole and broken into pieces into that oblivion. It's darkness all over. It's sad to even write it down but I need to do it so I can get it out of myself. I can't be the only person in the world who feels this way right? I mean not that I wish to create a group of people like myself or associate people like that, because I don't. Not because I hate them, because I don't wish for anyone to experience the kind of darkness I talk about even for a moment because it feel as if you are breaking into thousand pieces all at once. Then into oblivion. Then again the rush, then the breaking and again the oblivion. It's a total roller coaster ride one I wish to step out of and one I wish no one would take a ride on.
This is the agony of anger. I am in agony when I am in anger. I don't care about the momentary rush anymore because I am in agony after. And it's painful - physically and mentally - exhausting, tiring, draining - it is painful. May this be my lesson and hopefully I won't have to revisit this blog ever again for I will remember this and will be able to over come my anger when it arises from here on end.
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