I am sitting in office and I feel knots in my stomach because I feel things are not moving according to the way I like them to. They are not that significant, I mean things could have been worse and more important things in my life could be beyond my control right now. But I am watching myself get tangled up in trivial things. At least the so called 'trivial' things. I guess they are no longer trivial, if they can unravel me this way. I am amazed at it.
Where does my need to control come from? Why are things that I once deemed unimportant create these knots in my stomach? If they are not important then should I not feel calm and a sense of 'it should not matter which way it turns". But I don't feel that way. Of course I did feel that way once but not now. So, somewhere, it has become significant, and has started giving a sense of 'me' and 'mine'. How does this happen? How did it come to this point without my noticing it?
Do things start to give a sense 'me' and 'mine', start giving a sense of 'importance' in ones life and in ones existence with pass of time, with lenth of association?! I am questioning right now. If so, how and what must I do or how should I approach things so that I don't get entnagled in them with or without my knowing.
I guess this is the same way a baby grows from an infant, in to a child and then an adult. They are not born with a sense of self, but as they grow, with time and with interaction within and without and investment, they begin to develop a sense of self and then it gets harder to separate the body from the process of mind. Mind and matter becomes one and the same or at least they are perceived and felt as one and cherished as one. So, letting go becomes harder. Fear, shame, uncertainty on the one hand and joy, pride, ego on the other hand grow without having to work on them.
I guess with most other things it's the same. What I feel right now for the things that I feel, is a process that has unfolded for a while. Without my knowing, it's created a root, a place of resting. This is crazy. Isn't this what I work towards to stop and now I find that the rust has gathered without even having to work at it. I am in shock. I know I shouldn't be. But I clearly feel it. I have been feeling and groping at it but unable to see it or understand it. But now I know it, I am in some way feel a relief but also a sense of shame. Shame, that I have missed the ball. Shame that I let my practice falter. Shame that I have taken the eye off the goal.
What do I do? How do I change this? I guess the realisation is a big one. But I cannot take refuge in it only. I must do more to make sure that I don't rest and nest like the way I do from now on. It's hard not to. I find that it's the most natural thing to do. To nest and rest. It feel good and comfortable. But only for a while. Like until now I felt the comfort of that resting and nesting and now the discomfort comes rearing it's head up. It's bound to happen. That's the truth.
And I bet I will find something else to rest again. Or I am sure I already have found something to rest and nest. I will only know that when I feel the pinch of it. Not to rest is to not to take comfort in things around me. If I am to do that I only can find comfort in my practice and that means I have to put more time and dedication, determination into my practice. It's a hard one. Taking rest in what is seemingly easy and lies outside and can be seen is easy. That's what I do and what I have done and will do, unless I continously see the pattern which I just realised.
It also makes one becomes ones own support. It's that what the Buddha said. But in some way it feels kinda lonley. But it's that what I feel right now. I mean it's not even gotten to that point but I am beggining to feel the signs of it. That's what it comes down to. You are your own support no matter what. Until you have become capable ot supporting your own self, you will always be at the mercy of other and circumstances. How could I have lost sight of such a glaring truth? I have lost my strength and my own support. I have in some ways allowed things to fall around me, by allowing myself to nest and rest. Instead I must continue to work and move on no matter what.
This is the purpose of my life. Towards me and others.
