So different and yet so similar

If nothing else the events of the last few weeks have taught me how different we all are, even if we belong to the same family and same mother and father. While its sad on the one hand, it is also liberating. Liberating to know that genes can dictate limited amount in our lives and just because we belong to a certain kind or type of family we don't always turn out to be like that.

I have wondered about this for a while now, because of my own experiences and experiences of those I associate closely. I suppose in some ways we create our own lives. Even though my husband and I live in the same house and shared a life together for almost 2 decades doesn't make us any similar or make us look at the same thing in the same way. You'd in some ways expect some similarity but not always. Its the same with my siblings and my parents. After all our parents raised us and for almost 2 decades we lived in the same house, ate the same food, associated more or less the same people and some ways influenced by similar things. You'd think. But not so.

The more I investigate it the more I feel it's not what we experience that make us different from one another, it is in how we experience it. Growing up I was a child mostly to myself. While I had challenging times in my early childhood and teenage years I never felt out of control. I almost never felt a need to please others even my parents. I was called stuborn and selfish for it. I don't think that made a dent in my sense of self worth. But on the other hand my sister was quite the opposite. While I retreated to myself my sistser was someone who loved the limelight. In her younger years she shined in drama and all the sports and stuff and was celebrated for it. I don't remember wanting the same. I was happy to be me. Stuck in a book, school or story.

My brother was 11 years younger to me. So by the time he was in his early years I was leaving high school an on to university. While I remember working with him on art and creative stuff, I don't remember hanging out like I did with my sister.

But we have all turned out so very different. I suppose there is good in that. If we all thought the same way perhaps we will not be able to look for better ways of doing things, new perspectives on stuff. But they are also the reasons why we clash. That's what has happened for the most part over the last few weeks. If after all is said and done my dad comes out the winner then so be it. I can make peace with that. But I feel like have learnt for myself a valuable lesson. That is just because we are siblings doesn't mean we think and feel the same.

Each of us despite similiarity in our experiences will see and feel about it very differently. I wonder what leads to this? Is it our personality? Is it our education? Is it those we associate, countries we live in....what is it? Or is it simply karma. Or is it a mixture of all these things.

Perhaps it's a mixture. I mean we are creatures of change. Whether we want to or not life itself changes us. The things that get on our plate sometimes are so unexpected that we have no choice but to deal with them. IN dealing with them we change the course of our lives, direction and flavor both. I feel that way about me and my siblings.

We are different beings in every possible way. Despite belonging to the same set of parents we are very different in who we are and how we deal with things. Perhaps there are traces of behaviours that run a thread. My husband says there are. That looking at the three of us and how we deal with things show a common thread...isn't that interesting?! I agree with him to some degree. So then there are things that we carry in the same way despite our differences?!

It's been interesting. While events of the last few weeks have left me tears from time to time, it 's also been a time for reflection. This is one of those reflections. How different we are and yet in some ways so similar.

Either way, I think it's best to have space to see and think for myself. While family is important I'm beginning to realise that along with that importance can come a lot of heartache. So over the last few weeks I've reflected on what makes these relationships so hard and dynamic. While it's nice to have people to hang out with, share a past and history with, it brings with many ups and downs, pleasure and displeasures, happinesses and unhappinesses. To me the ups and downs of life, while they are there for sure, don't have to be taken in the sameway. I'm looking for ways to reduce the impact it can have on my peace of mind. While I know I will not be removed from these life dynamics, I can find a better and a more constructive way of facing them. Perhaps with more balance in my heart and mind. I am investigating them now. So most of the events of the past few weeks are making me look for new ways for myself to exist.

 

The last few weeks have been pretty challenging, emotionally. April 26th we had to fly out to Australia. My father and mother had been visiting my sister for the previous 8 months and they were to leave by the end of that week. By my father got diagnosed with a perianal abscess and he was asked to go through emergency surgery. It was a tough one becase my sister said that it was a big one that had spread to various glands in side the rectum area. So naturally I was very worried. My father speaks a little English but my mother does not. So to be in a place where they cannot understand other people or get about on their own was a worry and what happened with my sister compounded all of them. I waited to hear about the surgery and decided to travel. My husband joined me. What is going to be written in this blog and a number of future ones would be my experiences during that time.

I am sure I will ramble on and on at times but I need to write these things because partly I feel it would be therapeutic for me. Over the last weeks I have struggled to come to terms with the things that happened over there and now continue to happen now as well. So I am sure I will go back and forth between my past experiences and try to make sense of some of them. While I understand that no amount of thinking will sort it in my head, I feel writing it down might alleviate some of the burden and hurt I feel in my heart.

Travelling to Australia wasn't an option, especially because my father-in-law died only 6 months ago. It was unexpected. I guess death always is unexpected to some degree. So it was weighing on my mind when my dad had to undergo this surgery. So with all the information coming my way I didn't wait. My husband too didn't want to and we flew.

What happened once we got there was in many ways disheartening. Before that I want to set up the background.

So by Sunday evening my time, my dad was told that his ultrasound revealed something bigger than what the family doctor thought it was. So they made him do an MRI. In that they found the extensive abscess. So he was asked to undergo surgery. They admitted him to hospital.

As I said before my father and mother had been visiting my sister for the past 88 months. My sister and her husband live in Melbourne and they have a 3 years old son. My sister also has knee issues and many marital problems that I have heard about for years. But they stick it out some how, I guess. They didn't have a baby sitter then and for the most part my parents looked after the child when the parents had to run errands. When my dad had to undergo surgery, everything got chaotic for everyone very quickly. Suddenly they had had to run around to the hospital and do everything. Because my dad and mom were not good in the language it made it that much harder. 

Calling my sisters home is a nightmare. They never answer the phone nor do they call back. But when my parents were there I would call and it will roll to voicemail and when I start speaking my mother or father would pick up. But my sister never does even if she is at home and on numerous occasions she has shown displeasure to my calling my parents and having extended conversations.

Anyway, I let those go for all these times. But when my dad was hospitalized, it became a problem. I had to wait for their messages. The day my dad was to have surgery, I didn't get any messages from my sister so I called their home. After trying 3 times, my mother finally answered and I barely had time to speak when the little one got on it. He is a bit naughty and cannot be controlled. So all I heard from my mother was that she was staying at home and looking after the kid while my sister and her husband went to the hospital. We didn't know when my dad was going to be taken in. Since my sister kept saying it was really bad I was way worried. So when I heard that my mother wasn't going to be in the hospital before the surgery I was not happy. I mean from the way everything sounded I really thought there was the possibility of complications and with his age and etc that it could be life threatening. So I wanted to tell my mother to somehow go to the hospital but my sisters husband came along and asked the little one to put the phone down and didn't let me talk to my mother. This rang alarm bells for me. But once again I couldn't do anything about it. My sister has given me only one mobile number which is my brother in laws and he never answers it. No one picks up the hone phone so you cannot do much. My parents don't have mobiles either. 

So after a little while my sister called and asked me not to call home. I was not happy but as calmly as I could I told her that I was very worried for my dad and that ever effort should be made to have my mother visit him  before he goes for surgery. Also on the previous day when I asked to speak with my father, they said the hospitals won't allow phone calls in the ward. I refused to believe this. I mean come on. In Australia (Austin hospital) saying to a daughter that she could not speak to her dad before a surgery....come on....so I wrote this to my sister as well and during that phone call insisted that I speak. 

She did make the call from the hospital and she did take my mother to see him and she was with him until he was taken in. 

By the time he was done, I knew he came through and before the end of the day I had told my sister that no matter what I hear or not hear I will make arrangements to come there. She also felt it would be the best considering all situations.

Initially I thought I'd go there for a few weeks so I could look after my dad and also help out with things. My sister kept saying how difficult it was for her to handle everything with the child and her knees and everything. Also realized that the day after the surgery my mother wasn't gonna go because there was no one for her to go with. I mean this was ridiculous. She has a car and she could take the child and my mother and go but no. She says she doesn't want her son exposed to the hospital environment. They boast about having friends, so why couldn't have they asked one of them to help out and have my mother visit him the day after the surgery. No that was not possible too. My sister kept on saying how to look after him when he gets released and who is going to do the work of looking after him cause she cannot and with a kid and the wound could be infectious and everything under the sun. I had to tell her not to worry so much. 

As I said, at the begging my plan was to go and stay for an extended time. 3 weeks was the thought. Also my husband decided to fly with me. This was good and was a surprise considering how hectic his work schedule was. But because there was no place at my sisters house to stay, he was worried how I was going to manage on my own. Plus Id have to rent a car. Driving on the wrong side of the road, having to stay by myself with all the stress my husband didn't feel it was best for me to travel on my own. It was very good of him to think that way. When we were looking at booking flights, he asked me how I was going to manage on my own once he was gone. I said I will somehow manage. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that my idea wasn't going to do me any good.

The last time I was in Australia, I went to visit my sister. I went early so we could send time together with the little one. But it turned out to be a disaster. She was ver mean to me from the get go, I don't know why. I don't even think she thought anything of it. I felt like an inconvenience and I didn't like it. After all my intention was to have a good time and spend time together but it was aweful that by the end of my time there I swore to myself that I would not travel to my sisters place unless my husband was with me.

So for me, going to visit my dad on my own would be a contradiction to this promise. More than keeping to a promise is the misery that it could bring about if I were there on my own and my sister started to get mean and crazy. So when my husband told me to think about it but support me no matter what, I changed my mid.

I said I would go with him and come back with him even if it was only for 12 days. At least I'll be able to give a helping hand and my parents will be happy to see us and my sister could take a break from caring for them and attend to the kid and her knees.

So I told her that I will not be coming for an extended period and told her that both of us will be there for the 12 days and we will do everything we can for them. During that conversation she laid out her expecations which were not fair for me.

She implied that she felt let down, because I had told her I was going to come for a longer time. She said that she was hoping I could do things for her to make it easy for her and etc.....this didn't go down well. I told her that it's not the time for her to complaint about what she has to do for her parents. I told her that she was the one who brought them down for a long time, for her assistance and now that one of them was sick, she shouldn't expect me to run around the world to do things to make her life easier. I told her as nicely as I can, that I too have a life. I have a family. My husband travels extensively and he needs me to take care of our home. Running from my home to Melbourne is not like catching a bus or a train to a nother city. It's almost a 24 hour flight and we have to leave our home our cat. For her to imply that she expected I would make myself available whenever and wherever was not a nice thing to do.

I think hearing me say that to was even worse. I could literally see her walls all coming up in that conversation itself. But I ended saying, we will have our car and we can do everthing for my father.

So during transit, I realized that my father was released from the hospital with a tube attached. But he was stable. This was good news for me and my husband. So we boarded the flight to Melbourne with much ease.

Once we got there that wasn't to last much longer!