I was in a terrible mood today. It was on from yesterday evening. Like clouds gathering in the horizon, getting ready for a storm. I could feel the negativity gathering inside waiting to explode and it did. It was still around when I woke up. The confusion, miserable feeling, felling of being down and feeling like I wanted to pick on something or someone. It's like having an itch that I didn't know where to scratch to get rid of it. So I felt frustrated, restless and moody.
But I did sit down for meditation. I know it was going to be a challenge. I could not focus on anything cause I was feeling unhappy, angry and simply felt like I waned to scream. As I sat on the chair skimming through the emotions there were moments of happiness and light that kept coming in and going out. It was interesting. I like it just as much as I didn't like my negative emotions, dark miserable pain spots.
I tried to look at why. Then I realized that my dark spots made me out of control as if things were falling apart around me, while I sat not being able to exert any control. Anything I did, if I did, was only aggravating the mood I was already in. Things get pulled in from all directions only to fuel the raging fire.
But when I felt even remotely okay I felt happy and in control. Everything seem to be smooth. There was no fighting. No need to feel like I wanted to scream out or scratch our my eyes. Things were clam. I didn't have to or needed to change anything. I kept looking at what was happening. Was it my ego crashing? Was it my ego wanting exert control?
Then suddenly it hit me out of nowhere, that it was simply the nature of things. The impermanence of it all. I cannot always be happy, it too ends. Then unhappiness arrives. But that too does not last long. It changes back to happiness. What causes my problem is my own views, reactions and thoughts on each one of them.
I think I should be happy. Its good for me and everyone else. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't think its good. But no matter what I think, its not true. Both these states are part of me. Its like the seasons. No matter how much I like or don't like winter, it's going to come. Its part of nature. If I dislike winter, then I can have a miserable time during that season. If I like it then I will be happy. But how happy or now happy I am is not dictated by the seasons. Its dictated by my view of it.
Its the same with my emotions. I view my happy moods as good and unhappy moods as bad. But irrespective of how I feel about them, they are going to come. But I can change my view of them. I don't have to be so repulsed by one and so taken up by the other. What determines how I go through them is my views and my likes and dislikes. If I could simply let go of my views then neither type of emotions and moods can have a controlling effect on me. So my emotional world will be in harmony not in turmoil.
