It's been a while since I have blogged. That's because I didn't feel I had a coherent thought process that I could write down. But today after a long while I felt a sense of excitement, a sense of "Oh I see". So, here I am.
I have always been curious about my anger and anger related issues. They have caused me and those who are around me pain and difficulties. They have caused me great sense of insecurity as well over the years. I have tried to find ways of over coming my anger. In many ways I have found ways of not necessarily over come all of them but being able to face them and staying with them without having to be moved and swayed by the power of it for most part.
I have also tried to investigate why I get so angry. Over the years I had come up with many a reasons. But today I realised something that I probably have recognized in me for a while but as a separate entity, a separate emotion altogether but not something that causes my anger to rise. That is fear.
I felt that it is fear that causes my anger more than any other reason at this point of time. It is also the cause of other negative emotions such as sadness, grief, envy, jealously and probably many more that I cannot put the names of. I never felt more certain about this than I feel right now. What is it about fear that causes all the above negative emotions?
If I take anger, I get angry when I feel fearful that I am about to lose something that is important to me, when I cannot have something the way I want in order to keep things at peace, I feel I might go out of control and that makes me angry, I get angry when I encounter people who I cannot predict because I fear that they will topsy turvey my life, I feel angry when people don't behave in an ethical manner because I am fearful of such people..period: I feel sad when I am not given importance because I feel fearful that my place is diminished and that I become a nobody: I feel jealous when I feel fearful that others might have more than I would, or become more than I am and that would somehow diminish my importance....and many many other reasons....but at the bottom of all of it is a some kind of a fear.
So I realised that instead battling with my anger that I need to focus on letting go of my fears.
What are these fears? I have to start investigating them. They look so real when I encounter a situation. But all those times that I have felt fearful and that I have overcome them, the most common thing that I have come to realise is that fear is mostly a creation of my mind. It almost seems blown out of proportion. Those times that I have been able to face it and whither it through, it's basically passed by without creating drama. But the turmoil in the mind before and the push to do something is immense and almost to a point of driving myself crazy that this feeling of needing to follow it and reacting to it what aggravates situations more than the situation itself.
So what does that mean? Why is fear present even when there is that notion, inkling in the mind that it's a creation? Is it out of necessity? Is it out of self-protection? If I let it go, do I let go of my own self-protection? Does that and will that put myself in harms way? I don't know.
If I go what has happened in the past, every time I have "bite the bullet" it's not really hurt me. In fact I have felt a sense of relief that I didn't give in to it. When I give in to it and start riding the wave of fear, I get even more fearful and almost put myself in knots. But the greatest compulsion is to do something rather than to wait. Waiting and being patient is so very hard. Not doing and letting things run it's own course I find makes me really nervous sometimes. To hold my tongue is hard than to say what I think or to lash out. I am baffled....but it happens over and over. Though I literally feel myself biting my tongue and giving myself the time and the space it's almost like I have to put enormous effort towards this. It doesn't come easily.
So fear, its gripping and it's something I have to overcome. Perhaps if I work on fear and areas of fear then all other areas will gradually give up it's hold on me. Well I have to try.
