We have all kinds of needs: need for food, clothes, a roof over our heads, need for a job, money, entertainment and many more external needs. Internally we need to be desired, loved, cared for, we have a need to maintain a sense of who we are and again many more internal needs. They all wary from one person to another. But all of us have a deep desire to be needed whether we want to believe that or not.
In the absence of 'being' needed we will feel a sense of uselessness, a sense of not being worthy even. Some people even go to the extent of calling this "not being loved".
Having certain amount of basic needs and having them fulfilled is required for the mental and physical well-being of a human being. But no one can and should condone wanting to be needed/being needy and trying to have that void filled. This is dangerous: to ones own well-being and the well-being of those who are around them to start off with.
So, let me investigate what it means to be "needy". This is a state of mental ill-being. We become needy, when we lack something within ourselves and we aspire to have that filled with something. It could be something external like food (eating excessively or binge eating or being a shopaholic or workaholic) or something like having a child, a pet or a garden. However, most of us don't see it this way. We don't see it for what it is, because we don't posses clarity to own selves and our intentions. Who will see that they have a void to be filled. No one!
Of course that does not mean that those who have a child, a pet or a garden have those in order to fill a need. Of course not. But in the surest way to know whether any of these things fill a void or not is to see our own behaviour toward these things.
The moment we have something because we have to fill our neediness, we will become over protective of that very thing. That is because of our fear of loss. We fear that if the that thing is lost or taken away from us, we will no longer feel "full" or "complete".
We will also recognise it as more important that anything else in the world and lose perspective. If it's our pet cat or dog, then no matter how destructive it is, there is no better cat/dog in the world. Some might even be cruel to other cats or dogs that might show aggression towards your own pet because one has failed to recognize the reality of the way the animals behave towards one another. Or if it is a child, then the mother or father can get so defensive about their own child that they would not even notice the bad behaviours of their own children and harm they cause others. As a result fail to recognise a development opportunity of their own children and fail to address them at the appropriate time.
We also tend to use it to build more and more of our own sense of self. So, if it is a child then we are more likely to demand things out of it. In a situation where the child doesn't live accordingly or doesn't fill our wishes we will feel sense of being 'let down'. The typical outcome would be resentment from the child and distancing. While this is the exact opposite of what the parent or the person who is being needy wants, they are unable to stop themselves, because their first priority is to "fill a void" within themselves. So, even at the cost of harm all around they might tend to keep at the harmful behaviours.
Another sign of your own neediness, is showing that you are the victim, in the absence of love, affection and security from the other person. This is a natural behaviour of someone who is needy. Their perception will for the most part be of that of a victim. Because they fail to recognise their own emotional black hole, they will have the tendencies to feel lack of self esteem, frequent episodes of sadness, depressive thoughts and they will think that it is the lack of love, affection from others that make them feel that way. The behaviour that would come out from such people would be to say things that make the other feel bad and responsible for their lack of well-being.
What I have also come to see is that people who are needy, are also comfortable around those who are needy. Because it fuels and sustains one another. A person who is needy will not feel too comfortable around someone who is self sustainable because that person will not have a need for another: emotionally or physically. Therefore, the other person will feel a sense of "I am not needed" and that would not make them feel good. People who are needy want others to be needy so that they can be readily available to "HELP". While this looks like a great act of generosity, it is NOT because in reality is a downward spiral. Both drags the other down in the mutual, comforting interactions.
So, being needy is not good. We not only need to recognise it in our own selves but also in others. But the start has be in our selves for without that recognition we cannot begin to see that of the other.
The recognition of it is the start point of coming to a closure. We are all needy to some degree or the other. But that does not mean that we can measure it and say "Oh I am not that needy". It can get out of control at anytime. Human carving is so bad that we can topple either way with the right or wrong situations or associations.
Once recognised, we need to consciously wean ourselves off. What I have done over the years are with simple things. I don't try to start off with difficult things. I start things like food, TV, or need to buy or need NOT to exercise or meditate. I ensure that that if it is food that I have a need for, that their is reduction in the amount and the number of times I consume it in a week. If it is something I don't want to do, then I increase it. I do that until it become part of my routine. As I start these external things, I move inward.
I look at my emotional neediness. The things that I feel I had a need to sustain my emotional needs. I have mental notes of the most important things: not more than 3-5 things. I work on reducing my need on them and associate feelings of "I don't feel loved" or "I am not wanted" or "Oh shit the world is going to fall apart". Slowly but gradually the hold on these things on your own emotional well-being come to cease a bit by bit. Along with that the sting of your "neediness" to tend to dissipate.
When I need people who are needy, I do exactly what I do with myself. I don't give into them bit by bit. Depending on how much interaction I am required or their level of importance and the level of neediness I might remove my "giving in" all of a sudden or gradually. If I have low interaction and their status in my life is low, then I remove my "giving in" gradually. This is because their is little threat from them to my own well-being. But if their interaction can be very high and their status is also very high, then I remove my "giving in" very quickly because, they can be like leeches. Before you know it, life it sucked out of you. And the rest is in between.
So these are my thoughts and I have found them to be very useful so far.
