A New Year Thought

Another year is about to end and a new one about to start. Every year we make what we call the 'New Year Resolutions' and more often than not, we get to the end of the year to realise that we have not been mindful about the resolutions that we made at the beginning of the year. So we make 'New' new year resolutions and again we forget them or we get too busy and caught up in living the year to remember the resolutions and act on them. So we get to another end of a year and so start the same cycle all over again.

I find that ending of one year and the start of a new year is like dying and being reborn. We start with a bang (typically a loud cry) and then die wondering how time has flown in the blink of an eye. Lots of regret, what ifs, things left undone and unsaid, unfinished business...Then we die and are reborn and we do the same thing all over. The most important part, which is in the middle of being born and dying, is left a blur; just like some of us left wondering how 365 days flew by us (of course some prefer to drown themselves in alcohol and other stuff just to avoid the question) and that somehow time has passed by us yet again.

Why should we wait until we get to the end of our lives to reflect on 'Life'? Please know that the 'end of our lives' can happen at any moment and that we need not wait for 50 years or 70 years or 100 years. Right now maybe the time that we die and if we were to die has the time that we've lived been meaningful to ourselves and others? So the question is how do we make ourselves meaningful to ourselves and others? Yes I do mean when I say 'ourselves'. It's imperative that we create meaning within ourselves because without that, it's almost impossible to give to others. It's like having a bank account with no money. How can you withdraw money for others when even you cannot for your own needs?

Making life meaningful for ourselves is much easier than we think. But we make it complicated because we try to give it meaning through things that don't hold much meaning. Many strive to give meaning to their lives through their jobs, having material possessions like a house, car and lots of stocks, others in their children, in having the most relaxing vacation and the list goes on...but does this really give meaning to your life? Maybe temporarily but not forever. This is the reason why many people live life moving from one to another be it a job, a relationship, a house or whatever. Trying but always failing.

The things that give life real meaning are unconditional love, kindness, kind words, gentleness, patience, a warm smile, a helping hand, acceptance, giving without asking anything in return, a sense of appreciation for all things good or bad, not holding on to grudges, not hating, not being jealous, forgiving and many more. You will find that when you have truly forgiven someone, you feel a sense of ease, less burden, less worry, less fear unlike when you hate or even dislike someone. When you hate or dislike someone you feel a burden, a sense of needing to justify your reasons for disliking that person, your blood start to boil and heart start to pound every time you think of them or see them, you become bothered. So, do you want to burden yourself or unburden yourself?

Now that you have given meaning to yourself, how do you get about giving meaning to others lives? Simply by cultivating above qualities. For example, if you are a boss and you cultivate kindness, patience and appreciation you will most likely find that your people respond to you in a similar fashion and that they are much happier workers and thus more productive. If you are a parent and you learn to accept your child for what he/she is rather than trying to mold them into what you want them to be, you may find that they become less stubborn. If you are a wife or husband and you practice forgiveness and unconditional love you may find that your relationship becomes smooth and caring. Have you noticed that others smile at you when you smile at them? Isn't it hard to hate someone who is 'Nice and Kind' compared to someone who is angry and someone who makes your life miserable? So be the Nice, Kind and Smiley person and NOT the angry, miserable person.

Have a peaceful and meaningful year 2010!

Strengthening the Mind

From the moment we are born we are taught to be strong-minded, strong-willed, assertive and whatever other words you can think of. Basically we are taught to have and build a sense of who we are, what we are and what we believe and stand up for it and defend it. So we grow up in the world with an unbendable mind and an unbendable will. If we bend it, if we mellow it long enough to listen to another's view points, to understand where the other person is coming from, to show kindness, empathy, forgive we are almost considered, especially in the Western World, to be weak. So, most people walk around and act as if they are God's gift to mankind, not knowing that they leave a path of hurt, hate, jealousy, mistrust, insecurity in those who they encounter. But most importantly they also walk on not knowing that the reason they leave behind such a destructive legacy is because that is all they have 'in' them to offer to the world.

If by becoming strong minded we are hurting others and losing our sense of goodness and creating havoc in our relationships and in the lives of those who are around us, then we owe it to ourselves to investigate why things don't work out and how we can look for way out of the mess. One has to question what this 'strengthening the mind' is all about?

Strengthening the mind, in the world that we live in, is basically a building up a sense of self and ego. All that we do from describing who we are, to what we are to, what we do to, what we believe in, builds up our sense of self. An identity; a uniqueness; a 'ME' niche in the world. A little 'ME' country so to speak. So, when that 'ME' is under attack by way of different views from other people, hurtful words and actions from others, maybe unexpected events we spring to defend it with all of our might. Because if we don't, we have the potential to lose the 'ME' which is a very scary idea. This brings about all the unwholesome behaviours and it can vary from fighting to depression. All because we believe that this is the way to be strong.

Ironically this is NOT the way to get about strengthening our minds. In fact, what strengthens our minds is the very opposite of what has been taught to us and that is to lessen that grip on the sense of a self; put breaks on for what constitutes a sense of self. Now some might argue that this is not easy to do in lay life and that there are better things in life to do which is a lot more fun and that it's too much of a lofty goal to be wasting our time. Well I do agree that it's a lofty goal and that we may not get there right away but even an inch of a progress we make towards letting go of that sense of self will make our lives a whole lot easier and happier.

So how do we start letting go of our sense of self?

First of all we must see and learn to appreciate the universality of our experiences. All of us think that life happens to us only. Haven't you noticed that when you are ill, you are in such pain but when someone else is you don't feel it. Appreciating universality is recognising that the pain that you feel when you are ill, is similar to that of another being. Sickness is sickness whether it is you or someone else. Some people go shooting for fun; I wonder how they would feel if they became the hunted. If for a moment we thought about that, would we go shooting?

When we recognise that things are universal, we develop compassion, loving-kindness towards others and how we make others feel. We become more sensitive; we become more conscious of our own actions and words.

Do you notice when someone hurts us, how we go all out to make that person look bad: "Oh she is a horrid person; he always says sarcastic comments; she is always looking for a fight". Recognising the universality of our experiences is knowing that there is that possibility that someday I might do the same to someone else. After all we not arahants!! It's being humble rather than riding the high horse and saying "Oh I will not do such things". Somewhere I heard or read that "the abused become the abuser". When we recognise that we have the capacity to do what the other person has done then we reduce our uniqueness and with that our sense of self because we appreciate that we, in some ways, are alike.

The other thing that helps to lessen the grip of self, is to see the impermanence of things. Have you noticed that sometimes no matter how hard you try and how well you do things, life just doesn't turn out the way you want? Sometimes you work so well at your job and the next moment you are laid off. Sometimes people put every ounce of their lives to bringing up their children well and they die or they become what you didn't expect them to become. Sometimes you eat and exercise well to find that you have terminal cancer. If life was so under our control, our will, then why does it go wrong? Because that is the very nature of life. It's unpredictable, it's impermanent. One minute your are laughing and next minute crying. One minute partying and next minute dropping dead. When one recognises impermanence one realises "Oh well no need for so much control". It does not mean you becoming lazy or just waiting for things to drop from the skies. But it is knowing while you attend to your duties whole-heartedly, that life can happen to you any moment so that you don't become a control freak and make life difficult for yourself and others.

If we can do a little bit of this with great patience you might actually feel that at times a heavy weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. You may also notice that at times you maintain your calm despite things going all wrong around you. Please note that calmness doesn't mean indifference! It's very easy to get into this rut where you become oblivious to things because you are indifferent and think that you have gained some spiritual development (believe me it's not). When I say clam, I mean calmness borne out of kindness, compassion and gentleness.

So try letting go of yourself once in a while!

With Metta