From the moment we are born we are taught to be strong-minded, strong-willed, assertive and whatever other words you can think of. Basically we are taught to have and build a sense of who we are, what we are and what we believe and stand up for it and defend it. So we grow up in the world with an unbendable mind and an unbendable will. If we bend it, if we mellow it long enough to listen to another's view points, to understand where the other person is coming from, to show kindness, empathy, forgive we are almost considered, especially in the Western World, to be weak. So, most people walk around and act as if they are God's gift to mankind, not knowing that they leave a path of hurt, hate, jealousy, mistrust, insecurity in those who they encounter. But most importantly they also walk on not knowing that the reason they leave behind such a destructive legacy is because that is all they have 'in' them to offer to the world.
If by becoming strong minded we are hurting others and losing our sense of goodness and creating havoc in our relationships and in the lives of those who are around us, then we owe it to ourselves to investigate why things don't work out and how we can look for way out of the mess. One has to question what this 'strengthening the mind' is all about?
Strengthening the mind, in the world that we live in, is basically a building up a sense of self and ego. All that we do from describing who we are, to what we are to, what we do to, what we believe in, builds up our sense of self. An identity; a uniqueness; a 'ME' niche in the world. A little 'ME' country so to speak. So, when that 'ME' is under attack by way of different views from other people, hurtful words and actions from others, maybe unexpected events we spring to defend it with all of our might. Because if we don't, we have the potential to lose the 'ME' which is a very scary idea. This brings about all the unwholesome behaviours and it can vary from fighting to depression. All because we believe that this is the way to be strong.
Ironically this is NOT the way to get about strengthening our minds. In fact, what strengthens our minds is the very opposite of what has been taught to us and that is to lessen that grip on the sense of a self; put breaks on for what constitutes a sense of self. Now some might argue that this is not easy to do in lay life and that there are better things in life to do which is a lot more fun and that it's too much of a lofty goal to be wasting our time. Well I do agree that it's a lofty goal and that we may not get there right away but even an inch of a progress we make towards letting go of that sense of self will make our lives a whole lot easier and happier.
So how do we start letting go of our sense of self?
First of all we must see and learn to appreciate the universality of our experiences. All of us think that life happens to us only. Haven't you noticed that when you are ill, you are in such pain but when someone else is you don't feel it. Appreciating universality is recognising that the pain that you feel when you are ill, is similar to that of another being. Sickness is sickness whether it is you or someone else. Some people go shooting for fun; I wonder how they would feel if they became the hunted. If for a moment we thought about that, would we go shooting?
When we recognise that things are universal, we develop compassion, loving-kindness towards others and how we make others feel. We become more sensitive; we become more conscious of our own actions and words.
Do you notice when someone hurts us, how we go all out to make that person look bad: "Oh she is a horrid person; he always says sarcastic comments; she is always looking for a fight". Recognising the universality of our experiences is knowing that there is that possibility that someday I might do the same to someone else. After all we not arahants!! It's being humble rather than riding the high horse and saying "Oh I will not do such things". Somewhere I heard or read that "the abused become the abuser". When we recognise that we have the capacity to do what the other person has done then we reduce our uniqueness and with that our sense of self because we appreciate that we, in some ways, are alike.
The other thing that helps to lessen the grip of self, is to see the impermanence of things. Have you noticed that sometimes no matter how hard you try and how well you do things, life just doesn't turn out the way you want? Sometimes you work so well at your job and the next moment you are laid off. Sometimes people put every ounce of their lives to bringing up their children well and they die or they become what you didn't expect them to become. Sometimes you eat and exercise well to find that you have terminal cancer. If life was so under our control, our will, then why does it go wrong? Because that is the very nature of life. It's unpredictable, it's impermanent. One minute your are laughing and next minute crying. One minute partying and next minute dropping dead. When one recognises impermanence one realises "Oh well no need for so much control". It does not mean you becoming lazy or just waiting for things to drop from the skies. But it is knowing while you attend to your duties whole-heartedly, that life can happen to you any moment so that you don't become a control freak and make life difficult for yourself and others.
If we can do a little bit of this with great patience you might actually feel that at times a heavy weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. You may also notice that at times you maintain your calm despite things going all wrong around you. Please note that calmness doesn't mean indifference! It's very easy to get into this rut where you become oblivious to things because you are indifferent and think that you have gained some spiritual development (believe me it's not). When I say clam, I mean calmness borne out of kindness, compassion and gentleness.
So try letting go of yourself once in a while!
With Metta
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