Being "Open"

A few years ago I went on a month long meditation retreat to a monastery in Canada. It was the longest time I had been on a retreat. It was also a place where I learnt a lot not purely about mediation but about myself and others and our interactions and motivation. It was one of the best things I'd ever done. I am going to write about some of the people I encountered, about what they did, my responses and what I learnt from it.

 

Towards the end of the retreat, the monastery had a group visiting from Seattle. It was a tradition that this group would have an annual retreat at the monastery. Along with the group also came the teachers. It was a lovely time. We went from being a community of 5 to about 25. But because we observe our time silently for the most part, so even though there were so many people. it was a quiet pleasant place.

 

On the last day of the retreat we are able to chat a little to one another because the retreat is officially over. There was this guy. I remember him well. During the last 2-3 of the retreat I developed a knee problem that I had to allow another member of the group to do my afternoon chores. He volunteered. He was an American and kind and gentle man. Must have been in his late 30s or early 40s. He seemed committed to his practice.

 

On the last day when I was talking with a group that he was part of, he said something about his life that caught my immediate attention. He said how difficult it was to keep his practice when he's at home. From the description he gave, it seemed that he behaves at home similar to the way we conduct ourselves during a mediation retreat. He also said that it had created much friction between him and his wife. I cannot recall if he mentioned children. But it seemed to have become an issue. He also couldn't understand why it has to be an issue because he was doing something good. Dedicating himself to a noble practice.

 

At the time I remember understanding where it was not going right for him. When I started my practice, it was purely to figure out a way from the miserable life I was having. It was a very difficult period in my life. I was at odds with myself, my husband and probably I felt the whole world was against me and no one understood me. But I was lucky to have had the support of incredibly wise monastics that I got out of it pretty soon. But it wasn't the path I thought I would take that brought me to where I am now, or even at the time I was listening to this man.

 

When I started my practice, I wanted to become a nun. I felt married life was a waste of time and that it held within it's walls a lot of unnecessary but inherent conflicts and miseries. So I was exploring. I was exploring places and ways to leave this miserable place behind. But as I learnt and grew in my practice, I realized conflicts and miseries are not inherent in a married life but was inherent in 'all of life'. When that realization came upon me, I stopped trying to run away. Instead I stood where I was and began to change myself and the ways I looked at things and approached things and people. With time my life transformed and so did most of my relationships. If a relationship didn't work out the way I envisioned then I made peace with it and moved on. But it took much time. By the time I heard this man I had been in my practice for nearly 6 years and most of the married life problems I had at the time were overcome. Any frictions I had were smoothened out.

 

So I realized his problem, immediately. It wasn't the practice that was the problem. It was how he viewed it and everything about himself and others. He was in some ways stuck in those. So he couldn't fully open himself to the practice and the changes that it required of him before anyone or anything else.

 

I think some of us get into mediation/spiritual path because we want to find some peace of mind from our problems. It could be in our physical self, or with others but meditation is not a path that allows us to figure everyone and everything out. It is also not an isolating path. It is solitary but not isolating. It is a path that gradually allows us to become open to ourselves and in that open to everything else. Solitary but not isolating.

 

The key word is "open". I still struggle with this on many aspects of life and thought. But since I have also had many successes of having opened up myself, I know intuitively that I simply have to wait until I am able to fully open myself up. It requires time and patience towards your own self more than anything else. In that we also learn to bear up the forces within and around us that are not really conducive to the process. But instead of fighting and trying to always change them you learn to put your head down do the work day in day out. Then one day you feel that release, which is a beautiful thing.

 

I don't know where this man is now. But I hope he found the answers and as a result found peace, I hope he had enough guidance that allowed him to see himself. I felt a great deal of empathy as I listened to him but he wasn't asking for my opinion and he had a teacher. So I couldn't tell him what I thought I should/could have told him. But that is perfectly fine because now I know there are things that you may tell and others may not be prepared to listen. We each have our timing. If we are fortunate, as I feel I have been, the right person comes along and tells you something, and you listen and hear and you understand and that's transformational. If not you carry on and one day it's right in front of your eyes and everything feels peaceful.

 

 

Seeds of Evil and Goodness

About 3 weeks ago a gunman shot into a crowd of 22,000 concert goers in Vegas and killed 58 and injured over 500 others. The gunman killed himself. They still don't know the motive and it was the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the US. I see people call the shooter, evil and mentally ill and all sorts of names. It made me contemplate on what makes us evil and what makes us good. Are some born bad? Are others born good? Or are we creatures of circumstances and environment and upbringing? Or a bit of everything?

I consider myself to be a good person. Not just because I think so. But because of the principles and values I have based my life on. I am a practicing Buddhist. I keep my precepts, I do charity work, I try to make my thoughts wholesome and good as much as possible, I meditate. So I think I am a good human being, cause I am actively trying to align myself with what is good. But even with all that, I know I get angry, I have grudges, I get jealous, afraid, miserable, sad, mad and all the negative emotions I can think of or feel. I think we all feel these emotions good and bad from time to time. Some of them are habitual and some are aroused through external and internal events. But if anyone of us were to say we don't feel these emotions, I think we might be lying to ourselves.

So what differentiates us from someone who goes crazy and kill and harm others? There are plenty of examples in this world today; from suicide bombers to random shooters to name its all there. But I wanted to find out whether we are so very different from one another in terms of capacity and thought, from those do harm and those who don't. So I meditated and contemplated on this.

Part of me see it being different and part of me doesn't. Let me first explain the part of me that does not see a difference.

Well I see myself get angry, sometimes to the point of wanting to punch someone in the face, or wish ill fate on them....now that doesn't mean I carry it out. My precepts and my understanding of Kamma makes sure that I don't actually verbally or physically carry these thoughts out. The worst might be that I shout at someone but even that is very rare for me. But I have these negative, insane thoughts of wanting to cause harm and pain. Now for those who are reading me right now and judging me, I ask that you honestly look at yourself and tell me that you haven't felt the need to punch someone in the face or yell dirty words, because they cut you off in traffic, or called you names, betrayed you, cheated you, stole from you or hurt you or/and your loved ones. Maybe you even wished they were dead. Well this is where I see no difference. Our thoughts could have similar traces of anger, hatred and resentment and a need for revenge. Indulge me here. I am only saying that the thought could be similar. Perhaps the intensity might be less but the thought is there.

Then there is the difference.

I see the difference in terms of our push to actually want to carry out the thought. As I said before, I think nasty things but I don't do them. In fact some of the nastiest things I have thought in my head have stayed only as thoughts. Thank goodness! But it is not the same for some of us. We carry out what we think. Our thoughts become our actions and words. We get cut off in traffic and we get angry and we want to get back at them, perhaps we might show the finger, or roll the window and curse or we might speed up and cut them in the traffic as a way to show them. Some might want to say denigrating words to another and actually say it out loud causing hurt and embarrassment. So what make one simply not carry out their thoughts and another carry them out fully?

I think evil and goodness lie in each one of us. The fact that we might want to deny it would not be in our best interest. We ought to accept it and not hide it, especially in ourselves. It's easier to look at the guy next door and call him a bully when not see your own need to dominate others. It may not be as evident as that of the guy next door but it is there nevertheless. It's easier to call someone whole killed a human as evil when in our mind we wish our enemies dead. Yes, we haven't actually done the killing but there is that impetus. I think it would be best if we were less judgmental on one another. Perhaps that would lead to better understanding and healing.

So when I look at the difference between someone doing something bad and someone only thinking about it, I feel it's our own intuitive feel and empathy for others. If we truly can empathize then it's not possible to do harmful things to begin with and with deepening that understanding can lead to creating a path to letting the thoughts go as well.

Anyway, I want you to think and feel for yourselves about these issues. I do. So much negativity is happening in the world. So much negativity is fuelled by what's happening in the world. It's easier for us to get angry, resentful or even find a just cause to fight against. But I am not sure of any of these things. I am believer of standing for what is right and wrong but it cannot and should not be done out of dislike for the other or the group or the action. It cannot make us so judgmental as to think we are the ones better and for some reasons others have to be made to understand and educate. Perhaps there is that element but we cannot be motivated by that. In many ways we become like party we are trying to condemn when our intentions are to teach, make understand, punish, win etc.

There has to be a place in our hearts to inquire into why we do what we do. The biggest fight we fight is within ourselves. The good and the bad in ourselves. So we must be kind. Not just within but outside. So through inquiry we must continuously allow our intentions to soften until they only represent love and kindness and compassion, generosity. Then I believe our actions and words will transform itself to reflect that goodness. I firmly feel this is how we can help the world we live in. Within the families we live. We have to create that harmonious space within us and around us. That is what will create happiness and peace. Just intending to change, because that's what we feel, itself isn't good enough. All change has to come through kindness and gentleness which I feel is the essence of healing and harmony and peace.