A few years ago I went on a month long meditation retreat to a monastery in Canada. It was the longest time I had been on a retreat. It was also a place where I learnt a lot not purely about mediation but about myself and others and our interactions and motivation. It was one of the best things I'd ever done. I am going to write about some of the people I encountered, about what they did, my responses and what I learnt from it.
Towards the end of the retreat, the monastery had a group visiting from Seattle. It was a tradition that this group would have an annual retreat at the monastery. Along with the group also came the teachers. It was a lovely time. We went from being a community of 5 to about 25. But because we observe our time silently for the most part, so even though there were so many people. it was a quiet pleasant place.
On the last day of the retreat we are able to chat a little to one another because the retreat is officially over. There was this guy. I remember him well. During the last 2-3 of the retreat I developed a knee problem that I had to allow another member of the group to do my afternoon chores. He volunteered. He was an American and kind and gentle man. Must have been in his late 30s or early 40s. He seemed committed to his practice.
On the last day when I was talking with a group that he was part of, he said something about his life that caught my immediate attention. He said how difficult it was to keep his practice when he's at home. From the description he gave, it seemed that he behaves at home similar to the way we conduct ourselves during a mediation retreat. He also said that it had created much friction between him and his wife. I cannot recall if he mentioned children. But it seemed to have become an issue. He also couldn't understand why it has to be an issue because he was doing something good. Dedicating himself to a noble practice.
At the time I remember understanding where it was not going right for him. When I started my practice, it was purely to figure out a way from the miserable life I was having. It was a very difficult period in my life. I was at odds with myself, my husband and probably I felt the whole world was against me and no one understood me. But I was lucky to have had the support of incredibly wise monastics that I got out of it pretty soon. But it wasn't the path I thought I would take that brought me to where I am now, or even at the time I was listening to this man.
When I started my practice, I wanted to become a nun. I felt married life was a waste of time and that it held within it's walls a lot of unnecessary but inherent conflicts and miseries. So I was exploring. I was exploring places and ways to leave this miserable place behind. But as I learnt and grew in my practice, I realized conflicts and miseries are not inherent in a married life but was inherent in 'all of life'. When that realization came upon me, I stopped trying to run away. Instead I stood where I was and began to change myself and the ways I looked at things and approached things and people. With time my life transformed and so did most of my relationships. If a relationship didn't work out the way I envisioned then I made peace with it and moved on. But it took much time. By the time I heard this man I had been in my practice for nearly 6 years and most of the married life problems I had at the time were overcome. Any frictions I had were smoothened out.
So I realized his problem, immediately. It wasn't the practice that was the problem. It was how he viewed it and everything about himself and others. He was in some ways stuck in those. So he couldn't fully open himself to the practice and the changes that it required of him before anyone or anything else.
I think some of us get into mediation/spiritual path because we want to find some peace of mind from our problems. It could be in our physical self, or with others but meditation is not a path that allows us to figure everyone and everything out. It is also not an isolating path. It is solitary but not isolating. It is a path that gradually allows us to become open to ourselves and in that open to everything else. Solitary but not isolating.
The key word is "open". I still struggle with this on many aspects of life and thought. But since I have also had many successes of having opened up myself, I know intuitively that I simply have to wait until I am able to fully open myself up. It requires time and patience towards your own self more than anything else. In that we also learn to bear up the forces within and around us that are not really conducive to the process. But instead of fighting and trying to always change them you learn to put your head down do the work day in day out. Then one day you feel that release, which is a beautiful thing.
I don't know where this man is now. But I hope he found the answers and as a result found peace, I hope he had enough guidance that allowed him to see himself. I felt a great deal of empathy as I listened to him but he wasn't asking for my opinion and he had a teacher. So I couldn't tell him what I thought I should/could have told him. But that is perfectly fine because now I know there are things that you may tell and others may not be prepared to listen. We each have our timing. If we are fortunate, as I feel I have been, the right person comes along and tells you something, and you listen and hear and you understand and that's transformational. If not you carry on and one day it's right in front of your eyes and everything feels peaceful.
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