Reflections on Death

An uncle of mine is suffering from liver cancer and he may have a very short time to live. My mother told me recently that he was found crying on his bed a few times recently, even though he doesn't know that he's dying of cancer and that he may have a short time to live. It made me reflect on death deeply during a recent sitting that I had.

Death is going to happen sooner or later. Whether I would die as a young person, a middle aged person or an old person is an uncertainty. But all I know for a fact is that I will die. How I will die is also not certain. Will I die of old age? Will I die of sickness? Will I die of an accident? I won't know until the time arrives. But I know I will die.

But despite the certainty of it, Death seems such a far away concept. I don't feel death with me right now. But I guess, somewhere, somehow, my uncle can feel death even though know has told him that he's going to die probably within a year or less.

I tried to put myself in his shoes in my sitting. I can tell you that I am glad I wasn't the person who was dying. It's not a good position to be in though, it looms over our hear every single day. I used to be scared of even the thought of it. But over the last few years I have become less scared of thinking about it. But to actually feel that you are dying is something else.

I can understand his tears. It could be for many things. But mainly it was for either sadness or for fear and most likely for both. Sadness for what and fear of what, I contemplated?

Well sad that you have to leave and lose. Death makes us leave things behind and it make us lose our own bodies which we have come to treat as "me". Death makes us leave those we love, parents if they are alive, partners, brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, our houses, business, pets, monies, unfinished things, unsaid things, undone deeds. It also makes us lose our bodies. But since birth for how many years we have lived (the longer the worse) we have come to see and treat this mind-body process as one single entity called "myself" and death bring a sense of closure to it. I lose myself. It's a great sense of sadness.

This is also a fearful thing. I found losing myself to be a fearful thing. Because there are so many 'what ifs' that cannot be answered. We live our whole life trying to answer the 'what ifs' and 'buts' or at least adjusting and modifying our surrounding and people to answer those uncertain times so that they become a little bit more certain but death is that final uncertainty. We have no answer to give no strings to pull to steady the ground any more. We have to join the ride whether we like it or not! The great irony of it all.

I found when I contemplated that this is a scary proposition. I mean it can be scary if we've lived all of our live in one direction and one fine day we have to suddenly shift gear in the other way.

I found great compassion for my uncle at this point. For nothing could be more worse than dying unless you know how to die. I could feel and understand his tears because I know what they were for. I have done much metta meditation with him as my object recently, because that is the best thing I can do for as long as he lives. Perhaps, the energies will be absorbed somewhere and somehow. If for a moment it brings release then it will bring him a moment's release and that will be good enough.

But more than for him, for my own self, it was a time to think and feel what it would like to die. I found that it wasn't easy. Just like one has to get ready to go on a trip, death too is a journey that one needs to be prepared to for. A disorganised trip is a pain for those who are on it. In the same way someone who is not prepared for death, it will be sad, fearful and painful process.

These are my reflections on death.