Freedom

My friend Keith is still continuing to move forward in his journey, even though its at a much slower pace than before. The light is fading for sure. He seemed to have come to terms with his situation and made peace. 

He is always happy to see me. My visits seemed to be his highlight of the week. During my last visit to him I realized that he may have developed very strong feelings towards me and how I make him feel.

At the start of the visit we continued to talk as usual and at some point in our conversation he said he was sad. When I asked him why, he said because "You are taken". I can be pretty naive at times and also out of respect I did ask him to clarify his statement further. It was then that I realize he was talking about me being married. It was as if he was regretting that and also the fact that I was very much younger to him, which according to him, was a barrier for him to be with me. Now, I understand people can develop feelings for others, especially in the situation that he is in, with no family or close friends. Our friendship over the last 6 months must have become one of the most if not the only close friendship he has had with anyone in a long time. He has shared so much about his life that at times I feel like I have known him for many many years. He must have a sense close to that or he likes the fact that someone is listening and talking to him with all ears and with genuineness. He has said many times how kind I was to him.  

I am kind to people in general for the most part. It is who I am and I find it easier to be kind than otherwise. To make me unkind takes a lot of crap and even then I will simply move away rather than show my sentiments and fight. But Keith may have developed such an affiliation to it, that he may think he feels more than he ought to.

Now this is a man, who has lived freely all of his life. When I was reading his blog, I felt that he lived according to his own terms for better or for worse and that he moved with the tide for the most part and that he seemed to have little dissatisfaction in general other than when he could not get his own way. I told him how wonderful it is to live life like that. With ease and freedom. 

Then he told me about his feelings towards me. They kind of bordered on fantasy and romance and a genuine need to be loved and love. But I realized none of those sentiments it was helping him or bringing him much peace. He was obviously not happy because he wanted something he knew he could not have. 

He wanted to hold me and I let him or a while. Also I was quite confused as to what to say and do. I suppose somewhere between being held and wanting to flee, I gathered my senses. I had enough sense to tell him as gently as possible that he might be wasting his time, of which only a little remained. I also had enough recollection of our previous conversation to tell him that, it was not time for him to create a bond. He had lived his life free from any person, relationship and even death. He did tell me that he overcame of fear of death many many years ago. So in the light of all that, I told him it was not worth his while to form a bond, an attachment to me and how he feels about me. It will only imprison him. He was not prepared to come to terms with as I was saying it but I thought considering how thoughtful and deep thinking he was, he will later on ponder on it, unless of course his memory failed him. 

He was emotional. I could see how close he was to breaking down when I said, "you were simply prodding on when you met me. Then you asked me to come on a journey with you. I am and will be here but at some point you are going to have to leave me and trod along yourself". I told him that I did not want him to feel sad when that time comes. That I did not want him to feel as if he was missing something. Up to this point the only thing he has ever spoken of missing was his father who is long dead.

It was a very spontaneous conversation from my part. I had no idea he was going to put it all out there leaving me uncertain as to how to deal with him in the light of it. But considering it all, I think I told him what he needed to hear. Whether he wanted to or not was a different thing all together but I wanted him to come to terms with the fact that what he felt even though was real should not get  in his was of dying peacefully. 

The whole situation made me think of much. But mostly about how difficult it is for us to feel alone, not to be loved and even when we are loved how difficult it gets to let it go. Either way you lose. Feeling of not having someone in your corner or someone to love and have that returned is not a good feeling, but it seems neither is the opposite of it. Because both situations create our hearts to be in a prison. When there is no love, you are a prison of not being loved and having no one to love but on the other hand when you are loved you are a prisoner of being loved and having to leave someone whom you love. Isn't life an irony?! 

There must be a balance somewhere. Where irrespective of what you have and not have you can be in peace. Would that not be wonderful? I kept thinking about it but I have no answers yet. I feel it's a question to which I ought to find an answer, I think many issues within myself could be put to rest if I could only do that.