Freedom: What is it?

I had this interesting conversation with a hospice patient of mine last week. During my visit I noticed that he was not really happy. He was kind of making noises like sighing and wasn't smiling much. I have known him for a while now. He a very private guy. I waited for a long time before I decided to ask the following:

Me: Are you not happy?
He: No.
Me: Why not?
He: Because I'm not free. (I  knew the answer but I wanted him to say it)
Me: What does freedom mean to you?
He: Ability to move about. (He's bed ridden and is not allowed to go out anymore)
I waited a while before responding.
Me: To me freedom feels different...
He: Oh Yeah
Me: Yes. To me freedom is to be able to be happy and peaceful no matter what.

Then silence.

This conversation left a print on me. I could not but think about it for the rest of the day. It bothered me in many levels.

First, I felt greatly for him. He's not happy in his last days because something he had cherished for so long, his independance, is taken away from him. I don't want him to be sad but he is and there is little I can do to persuade him to be otherwise, right now. The other was, how freedom meant very different things to each of us. He felt it was his movement and I my happiness and peace. Another was how we get set in our ways of seeing ourselves, that even when the odds are against the very things we've practiced and done for long, we don't budge. We do not seem to possess an ability to shift gears, even its in our best interest. 

I realize that there is little I can do to make him happy, unless he makes up his mind to be okay with the present conditions. But I hope my continuing visits might bring about a few moments of happiness and delight. He loves coffee and doughnuts and chatting about his past experiences.

But I certainly can learn and change from the lessons I learn from him. Perhaps I might even be able to be of help to him. But my main priority is to see this for myself.

Freedom, means very different things to many people. I found that I was judging him as he responded to my question. I felt that my way of thinking about freedom would make him adjust better. I felt that if I were in his situation that my thinking might make it possible for me to cope with things much better. But later on as I began to dwell on these things deeply I realized how our views and opinions on the very same thing can be so very different. It also shapes us, biases us to think and behave and feel differently. 

For me freedom might mean being able to maintain my happiness and peace under different conditions but for him it's being able to move. Now who am I to say that is wrong? For him it is everything. His past experiences and life style has made him the man he is, thinking the thoughts he thinks, even if it's making him feel unhappy. For another freedom might mean, having a lot of money to get whatever they want. For another freedom might mean getting out of an unhappy marriage. 

At the end of the day, we will see and judge the world from our own unique vantage point. I believe, with much certainty, what I think makes sense. But I bet all others think the same way as well. Isn't that amazing?! We each have a unique world we live in, conditioned by a set of circumstances and experiences....that it feel so very real to us. To me, my world makes sense! It may not make sense to another but to me it does.

Looking at this guy I thought the same. But how do I know that my world makes sense for real. Do we have a set of values or standards that we measure our lives against? I don't know. Perhaps they have or they don't. But I know I have. But how will I know that what I measure myself against is absolute and not relative? As I'm writing this I feel that if for the most part I can maintain my happiness and peacefulness I must be measuring myself against something that makes sense. 

It's been a while since I have started meditation. The practice of meditation has lead me to see that for the most part we measure ourselves against whats around us. Our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, culture and those we respect and so on. But I feel that this is a relative way to live and see ourselves and capabilities. Everything is measured against something else...someone else. I feel that this is not a good way to live. I can see why young women feel utterly disillusioned because they want to look  like movie stars or model. Do they know what they are measuring themselves against? 

When I was little I used to travel in trains with my parents. One day I was sitting in the compartment when I realized that we were moving. There was another train right next to us. But once we passed the other train I realised that we were still at the station and that it was the other train that had moved. I was tricked. I see the same situation when we live our lives in relative mode. Relative to things around us. We are left confused!

I have been looking and searching to live without measuring myself against the relative world. It's not an easy task. Everything and everyone around you lives relatively that you cannot but get caught up in it. But my meditative practices have been a great help in keeping myself at check. My practice has allowed me to see that qualities like, kindness, compassion, generosity, anger, ill will, jealousy are things that are pretty common to all. While they have varying degrees of being outwardly demonstrated they are common to all. The cluster that belong to positive attitudes/emotions continue to bring a sense of peace and tranquility while the others continue to shake the very ground that's beneath you. 

I have decided that what I do and think should be aligned as much as possible to the positive attitudes/emotions. It gives a level ground. When I do things I do them so that they are based on these emotions. When my actions and words have a foundation of positive attitudes and emotions I find myself being peaceful and tranquil. 

The times that I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off is when my actions, words and thoughts are dominated by the negative emotions. So when I look at freedom, I want to look at it in terms of what could bring about positive emotions in me. If I have a headache, can I feel peaceful? No, because it's hurting me. I could go to a doctor, I could take medicine and if that reduced my headache then I might go back to being happy. What if my headache does not go away despite these remedies? Then I will be unhappy right? Yes, but I have found something in between. I have found that allowing and accepting things for what they are and for however long can also bring about peace and happiness. I don't have to exert much energy for it. I just have to find my groove which isn't easy all the time. But when I do it works. 

I wish that my friend finds that groove within himself. It will bring about a sense of peace to him.