The Buddha encouraged us to investigate ourselves. He said that through the understandings we gain from self investigation, we will come to understand everything around us. It sounds quite simple. But how do we do this? I'm going to use my own understanding of myself to describe how we can do this and what stand as possible barriers.
I have a degree in Psychology and nearly 10 years of work experience in Human Resources Development. I thought I understood and read people very well. I'm sure I did because I was very successful at it. But to the same degree I was not very successful at it. I say that because at the end of the day, I may have read a hundred people, but I felt quite a lot of dissatisfaction inside of me. During that time I doubt I was able read and understand myself very well.
After grappling with this dilemma for a while, I quit my work and solely focused on myself. I felt I needed to do that because there was no one to understand me and guide me. I felt I owed it to myself. This self exploration, I did through the practice of meditation, based on guidelines set forth by the Buddha. Of course I had monks and nuns who were well versed in the subject and the practice to guide me along the path. It's been almost 8 years since I've started my self exploration, and I still have quite a long way to go. But the understandings that I have gained during that time, have helped and shaped me in many ways. They have also helped me to see the world a lot more than I thought was possible. I believe my views have changed over the years, for the better I hope.
It is through these understanding I have had over the years, that I will approach the topic which I have set out to explore.
We all would like to believe, and we do so without much of a doubt, that we understand the world we live in. When I say the world, I mean the life each one of us lives. Within our little worlds we have a belief we understand things to a greater degree than not. If we didn't, it would be catastrophic, since the overwhelming feeling of lack of control could drive us insane. So, we have a small sphere that we feel comfortable in and have a sense of control and a sense of predictability. Most of our world is driven and guided by the cultures we live in, the norms and behaviours unique to each of them. If our lives did not fall within the sphere of the greater society we live in, then we would constantly have conflict with the outer world.
This harmony makes us believe we 'know' things. Just because there is similarity and familiarity we feel that is how things should be. This understanding is allows us to see the world. Essentially, we have arrived at a point of view. We look at the world from that point of view. This is judging. We decide things are good or bad, right or wrong, based on our point of view. That can make us better than other or worse than other or equal.
I have found that this is a relative way of living and understanding the world. Most of you, now, might say, it's all relative and that there is no absolutes. And perhaps it really is. But our relativity is based on the relativity of so many others right now and before us. So, for me it's like a cotton ball...going in all directions and no end or beginning to be found. I find this to be quite disconcerting. But I realise that it's the way life is lived and died for most of us.
However, meditation and insights have shown me a different path. Or a world for a lack of a better word to describe it.
I find that when we learn from everything around us, as good as it is, it is also very limiting. We are taught and guided by the view points, biases, prejudices of others. One might say that is the wisdom that has been passed down from generations before and without such a lot of understanding and knowledge how could we guide ourselves. Yes there is a point to this. But I think we need to go beyond that. It's great that we learn knowledge that has been passed down through generations and from knowledgeable people in specific fields, but that alone is not going to be enough. At least it was not enough for me. I felt frustrated that, I could not get rid of my deep dissatisfaction, no matter how much I studied or gathered knowledge in a specific field. It did not make me clam down. I felt I was running in circles.
When I meditated and after many years of practicing it, I feel a sense of clam that I had not experienced before. I feel what I have learned is capable of illuminating my way. I do not feel that I'm running in circles.
As I said before I had a firm belief that I understood many things and things were falling into place in my life only have it in shambles in the blink of an eye. No Psychology or HR practices could help me out at this point. I thought I needed to do more studies and change my career. I did pursue this for a while. But at the same time I was introduced to meditation. During the first few months I felt a great sense of relief. Along with that came the understanding, that the things that have been taught by my parents and others in society, will only continue to make me run around in circles. It is when I abandoned the idea of studying further. Instead I started to dive into my own mind.
It's been quite the journey so far. It requires a great sense of discipline and commitment and endurance. But it's been worth it. Going into to my own mind, focusing on thoughts and patters of thoughts that I had and continue to have has taught me much more than any Psychology lesson I've ever learnt. I have learnt to see myself with the level of clarity I can have at this point of time, recognize my thoughts, overcoming them, substituting them, living with them, making friends with them to letting them go. I have understood that my thoughts govern me. I have very little control over them. My thoughts get me to behave, think in certain ways. There are motives behind thoughts and patters. Some good and some pretty ugly. Depending on the motives, my thoughts can take me spiralling down anger, unhappiness, fear, jealousy or raise me me up in love, kindness, peace and clam.
I have learnt that just as much as this is my truth, it is the truth for everyone else. No matter how much they think they are in control, they are not. I have learnt to see people in different colors and shades. Bright colors and shades for positive and dark colors and shades for negative. This is not mean that you are a positive person, just because your favorite colors fall in the brighter section of the color spectrum. It's all to do with your motives or intentions. In seeing and understanding myself I have come to see and understand the rest of world around me. I must say it's refreshing. I do not run down Psychology or Human Resources practices. I'm grateful for them. But what I have learnt goes way beyond any of the principles I have learnt through formal education.
The knowledge I have gathered through my practice so far liberates me. And I say that with humility. There is a long way to go but I feel the path I'm taking is the right one. I don't feel liberation because I feel that I'm better off compared to others. Not at all. I feel liberated because I feel we are not very dissimilar to one another. Our happinesses and unhappiness stem from the same roots. In many ways, we are in the same pond. But the fact that I know it, for some reason, makes me feel at ease. The struggles we go through, the issues we try to resolve seem very small in great scale of things, but they are nevertheless there and will be there and we will have to face them. I feel liberated because I feel that I can face them and rise above them not because I'm smart than anyone else but because I see it. This is very liberating.
So for me knowledge is very different to understanding. But not from just a way to make a living kind of way. But from a much deeper and a spiritual sense.
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