I love the seasons and the changes they bring. Where I grew up it was a tropical island and we had only the rainy season and the dry season. So when I first moved to London, I used to love it and now living in North America I still do. But now changes in the seasons mean something to me other than its beauty. Perhaps aging has brought that about. I entered my forties two years ago but even before that my body almost felt like it was starting to loose it's vitality and strength that I once possessed. Each passing year my body made it more and more clear to me that perhaps it's entered into a new season.
So when I see the seasonal changes, I see my body and it's changes in it. I feel the spring and the summer for my body is gone and its entered fall. Fall is my favorite season, followed by winter. If I follow the seasons, then my body will deteriorate over the next couple of decades before it enters it's last season of winter, where it will weaken and age that it will die. The irony is that even though I used to love fall and winter, I am not sure that I like the changes that my body is going through. I used to love the seasonal changes in color, falling leaves, cooling of the warm summer air and the cold and the snow and the emptiness it used to bring. But I am almost saddened and frightened by it when it comes to my body.
Is it the not knowing what would happen? Or is it the anticipation of the inevitable that is making me nervous? I've been pondering on this the last few weeks. I think to some degree it is a bit of both. I am not sure as to what would happen. Life is not predictable that way.
Yes we see our parents getting old and dying; that happened with grandparents. But each time we moved on. Somehow those experiences and emotions we felt (or rather I felt) didn't seem to take a hold on me. But now I look back and think and feel. Perhaps it's not something I ought to do. But I find myself self drifting off these memories and in some ways see myself in them. I can't help it. I think that's what makes me sad and scared. But then as I said there is guarantee that my life would turn out the same. But then there is the possibility that it will.
I know what my teacher would say. If you can do something about it then do but if not let it go. In some ways I cannot do much about it but I also feel that I can do much about it too. Much about it in the way I live my life right now. In how I respond to things right now. But then again, I feel sad and frightened, emotions which are not good and probably will not be a good way to respond in the moment. But I cannot do much about it. They feel like little dark clouds that come and hang over for a time and drift away. Then it clears again only to arrive back again.
It's been a tough ride, especially this year. Quite a number of people known to me have died during the last 12 months. My dad got pretty sick in April out of the blue and still recovering with no end in sight. My cat sitter died only last week. These experiences have left me feeling 'blue'. Also how my family members have dealt with my dads sickness has also left me feeling scarred. Perhaps I need to give myself sometime to gather itself around these emotions and experiences. But life is funny....it has its own pace and I don't have much control over it. So I feel like I'm being bombarded with these emotions and experiences, chunked into a short period of time.
So I am not yet enjoying this time in my life yet. My husband says this is the time in our lives, when most people who are close to us, like our parents and uncles and aunts will die. Yes it's their winter time just as it is our fall. But I'm not sure my heart has gotten accustomed to that reality. I guess I am going to have to be patient with myself and my heart most of all. It's tough. It's tough to have to face the reality of aging and it's tough to face sickness and its tough to see your loved ones going through it. It's tough to face death. Last year I had two of my closest hospice patients die. Seeing them through it was tough. I didn't think it was like that at the time. But maybe it was even though I didn't feel it at the time. I have stopped my visits to the hospice patients because I feel sad now. I feel disease.
I feel the same with myself. A certain amount of sadness, disease and fright. I maybe repeating myself but I am writing everything that I feel and have felt over the last few weeks and perhaps months.
Yes we see our parents getting old and dying; that happened with grandparents. But each time we moved on. Somehow those experiences and emotions we felt (or rather I felt) didn't seem to take a hold on me. But now I look back and think and feel. Perhaps it's not something I ought to do. But I find myself self drifting off these memories and in some ways see myself in them. I can't help it. I think that's what makes me sad and scared. But then as I said there is guarantee that my life would turn out the same. But then there is the possibility that it will.
I know what my teacher would say. If you can do something about it then do but if not let it go. In some ways I cannot do much about it but I also feel that I can do much about it too. Much about it in the way I live my life right now. In how I respond to things right now. But then again, I feel sad and frightened, emotions which are not good and probably will not be a good way to respond in the moment. But I cannot do much about it. They feel like little dark clouds that come and hang over for a time and drift away. Then it clears again only to arrive back again.
It's been a tough ride, especially this year. Quite a number of people known to me have died during the last 12 months. My dad got pretty sick in April out of the blue and still recovering with no end in sight. My cat sitter died only last week. These experiences have left me feeling 'blue'. Also how my family members have dealt with my dads sickness has also left me feeling scarred. Perhaps I need to give myself sometime to gather itself around these emotions and experiences. But life is funny....it has its own pace and I don't have much control over it. So I feel like I'm being bombarded with these emotions and experiences, chunked into a short period of time.
So I am not yet enjoying this time in my life yet. My husband says this is the time in our lives, when most people who are close to us, like our parents and uncles and aunts will die. Yes it's their winter time just as it is our fall. But I'm not sure my heart has gotten accustomed to that reality. I guess I am going to have to be patient with myself and my heart most of all. It's tough. It's tough to have to face the reality of aging and it's tough to face sickness and its tough to see your loved ones going through it. It's tough to face death. Last year I had two of my closest hospice patients die. Seeing them through it was tough. I didn't think it was like that at the time. But maybe it was even though I didn't feel it at the time. I have stopped my visits to the hospice patients because I feel sad now. I feel disease.
I feel the same with myself. A certain amount of sadness, disease and fright. I maybe repeating myself but I am writing everything that I feel and have felt over the last few weeks and perhaps months.
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