Making a start

Last Monday, I was at the meditation session at the temple. Our teacher was saying how we needed to start with small beginnings. He was talking about how we can successfully meditate by making small adjustments to our daily living. Meditation after all is teaching us how to live successfully. Not according to the way its defined now. But how it should be. After all if we lived successfully, why should we be unhappy, have fights, get divorces, fall out with our friends, wage wars...right?!

He made me look at my own practice over the last 7 years. I realized that over the course of the years, I have made many practical changes to the way I lived. Not really in terms of how I dressed, cooked or the people I associated but really how I went about my day to day stuff at home and with those around me.

I did start small. I started with my cat Tubby. I was at an all time low. Lots of anger and resentments towards everything and everyone including myself. I was unbearable most of all to me! That was not making me happy at all. So, I started caring for this new addition to the family. She was only 4 months old and was new to our home from the shelter; probably had a tough few months. So I took on the responsibility of caring and loving her. I realized that I also showed a lot of patience towards her because she way learning her ways living with two human beings.

Then I started having those good feelings towards my husbands, with whom I had a love-hate relationship for sometime. His biggest issue was my calls. That I would expect him to call from where ever he was. If he didn't call as I expected I will launch into a full panic mode and have an arguments with him when he finally did call. So, I started easing out on him. Trying patience on a phone call. Allowing time and when that call finally came no matter how mad I was, trying not to convey except the fact that I was happy to hear from him.

Then I started looking at the way I worked around the house. I remember that I used to cut vegetables and through it all entertain angry thoughts. I recognised that my thought patterns were such that no matter how good the initial thought was, by the time its done its round, I end up with angry thoughts. So, I started being more aware of what went off in my head during the time I would cut vegetables. Same with washing dishes, same with driving.

It took me many years to recognise my thought patterns but I did see them and it made it easier for me to manoeuvre them towards something positive. Now don't get me wrong...it's not like I don't go on those crazy rides any more but when I do, very quickly I come to my senses. I can recognize it, before I have gone to the edge of the cliff so to speak.

When I do that, I feel more at ease. As if a burden is lifted. I can see the difference. However, it's not that simple or easy no matter how many times because one is not dealing with the same things. Over a period of time, I also recognise that no matter how different the issue/situation is, the patterns that my mind runs in is very similar. This enabled me to use what I did to handle previous situations with much ease and calm.

Now I don't panic as much. I just have this sense that I know, its going to be okay even if I don't exactly know what's going to happen or how. I just know that even if my mind were to enter an episode of Tamil that there is a way out and that I can somehow come out of it. It might take time but I have a sense that there will be that light at the end of the tunnel.

Its started with small beginnings. They were not earth shattering changes, people don't even know that I have done these except for the fact that they say that I have become easier to be with and more fun to have around. But I have a feeling it's because of these little things I had started many years ago. They have brought about a change. I can certainly feel the ease within myself now. It's very palpable. I am grateful for it. Time and time again it reminds me why I need to continue to put in effort towards these little things. They do make a difference. Even if it's not visible to the outside you feel it. It's like a burden been put down.