It's been a long while since I made an entry into the blog. It's been quite the journey since April of 2013. I was at a retreat in May. Then we moved and then we traveled and now I'm back here again. Life indeed is a journey with many winding turns. Some are pleasantly surprising and others are frightening. But it's a journey nevertheless.
I have been in a state of confusion during the last few days with negative emotions and thoughts overwhelming me. There was fear, anger, restlessness and anxiety. My meditations were so erratic. I was boiling up in heat at one point and then cool but to return to the same unease in a hurry. It was interesting to watch when there was certain amount of clarity but most times it was pure frustration. At one point I realized that I was doing everything in a hurry. I would lit up the candles fast, sit fast and get ready fast. I realized that I was doing this because I was agitated. It's amazing how our bodies react to stress, fear and basically negative emotions. I felt that my whole body was in unnoticeable spasms. But when I was clam enough, that could come up in doing things fast and walking fast...along with my furious speed of thought.
Clarity is hard to come by.
I can almost feel the lift off of this kind of negative fog but only to be covered up in it allover. I appreciate the clarity because its like a beam of light that cuts through the fog. For a moment the road is all clear. You find safety in it. Then when the fog descends upon you again, there is lack of it. It's all a blur, dark and brings fear and agitation. I can see the difference it creates in my mind. I can feel the clam just as much as I can feel the agitation. It's like a see-saw. If you tip one way too much you are out of balance. But the balancing act in the head is excruciating. I mean it's not easy. The ego battles hard and it does not want to stop. It needs to find its sweet spot (I call it the mean spot).
We all need to find congruence. All of us. We need to make sense of the world we live in and feel that we are in a state of balance. The Ego will do whatever it takes to arrive at that. Usually if the Ego is left to decide it's balance, it will tip towards selfishness. It's the way we protect ourselves. And most of us live in that state except perhaps for a few enlightened beings. We are tipped towards our own self interests. No one can be blamed for it. Its the nature of Ego. Also people can feel as if they have clarity even when they are not in balance. Because that is again the nature of the Ego. It makes sure you believe whatever it puts in front of you. The real clarity does not arrive that way.
Real clarity, the one that sees things the way they truly are, not the way we want them to appear, comes when there is balance. We, consciously or unconsciously, arrive at this point once or even many times in life. If it's an unconscious one, then it's wasted. For we will never learn the lesson and we will not be able to find our way back. A lost opportunity. But if there is conscious awareness, then we will know that there is more to, than the stories that are in our heads. Just that knowledge itself is freedom. I know that from my own experience. I am not a slave of my thoughts. I am not ruled purely by my thoughts. I can change my thoughts without falling apart or feeling as if I am losing. It's the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.
But I cannot sustain it. The fog appears again. But I now know, it's the fog. It's hard waiting it out or worse when I have to walk through it. It's frightening, scary...I am agitated, in fear, angry for I feel that I am the only one but then it clears again. This pulling and pushing is exhausting. It's painful, hurtful but I'd rather experience that cause I know it's because I have experienced clarity, even for just one brief moment. Rather have some than none at all.
I can almost feel the lift off of this kind of negative fog but only to be covered up in it allover. I appreciate the clarity because its like a beam of light that cuts through the fog. For a moment the road is all clear. You find safety in it. Then when the fog descends upon you again, there is lack of it. It's all a blur, dark and brings fear and agitation. I can see the difference it creates in my mind. I can feel the clam just as much as I can feel the agitation. It's like a see-saw. If you tip one way too much you are out of balance. But the balancing act in the head is excruciating. I mean it's not easy. The ego battles hard and it does not want to stop. It needs to find its sweet spot (I call it the mean spot).
We all need to find congruence. All of us. We need to make sense of the world we live in and feel that we are in a state of balance. The Ego will do whatever it takes to arrive at that. Usually if the Ego is left to decide it's balance, it will tip towards selfishness. It's the way we protect ourselves. And most of us live in that state except perhaps for a few enlightened beings. We are tipped towards our own self interests. No one can be blamed for it. Its the nature of Ego. Also people can feel as if they have clarity even when they are not in balance. Because that is again the nature of the Ego. It makes sure you believe whatever it puts in front of you. The real clarity does not arrive that way.
Real clarity, the one that sees things the way they truly are, not the way we want them to appear, comes when there is balance. We, consciously or unconsciously, arrive at this point once or even many times in life. If it's an unconscious one, then it's wasted. For we will never learn the lesson and we will not be able to find our way back. A lost opportunity. But if there is conscious awareness, then we will know that there is more to, than the stories that are in our heads. Just that knowledge itself is freedom. I know that from my own experience. I am not a slave of my thoughts. I am not ruled purely by my thoughts. I can change my thoughts without falling apart or feeling as if I am losing. It's the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.
But I cannot sustain it. The fog appears again. But I now know, it's the fog. It's hard waiting it out or worse when I have to walk through it. It's frightening, scary...I am agitated, in fear, angry for I feel that I am the only one but then it clears again. This pulling and pushing is exhausting. It's painful, hurtful but I'd rather experience that cause I know it's because I have experienced clarity, even for just one brief moment. Rather have some than none at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment