Lost bag; lost mind

I have never been someone possessed about clothes and shoes. Every year I go through my closet and happily give what I don't use and what I feel I should give away. I am not a hoarder. I don't have a habit of lamenting over broken and damaged stuff around the house and keep using them without feeling the need to replace all the time. I have a habit of keeping my house lean. We don't have anything in excess and I don't buy things in excess so I can have them. I do not buy just because it's cheap or there are deals. It's just me. So the image I have of myself is that I am not possessed by my things.

That was heavily tested during our trip to Iceland when we lost our bag. Between me and my husband we only carry one checked luggage. My husband has a habit of carrying a hand luggage but I don't. But this time round, he insisted that I did carry one so I packed a few items for a day or two. In the bag was most of my clothes for the 9 day road trip we had planned in Iceland. When we landed our bag did not arrive. No one was there to even trace it. So all we could do was file a claim and leave.

I was devastated. My husband and I are frequent travelers and we travel all over and never have we had a delayed bag. Even when it was (once when I travelled to Australia) we always were able to find out from the airline people when it was going to reach us. But this time, there was no such hope and we were about to embark on a road trip around Iceland. I did not have most of my clothes. I felt disorientated, that's what I told my husband.

I am not someone who has a lot of expensive clothes. I have a few good ones and for some reasons I packed most of my good expensive stuff into the bag. My Lululemons, Nike shoes, Colombia sweaters and my new Victoria secrets undies and bras were in the bag. Boy did that hurt. I don't think my husband will ever forget "my beautiful brand new victorias secret undies" for the rest of his life. I must have said that every day. All the goods in the bag, if lost, would have been worth over $3000. So for me it was a lot of money and I knew even when my husband kept saying, we'll replace them all when we get back home, I just knew I would not waste money like that. So I was devastated.

For the first time in my life, I was miserable beyond console, over my lost belongings.

I remember my husband saying many things to calm me down in the few hours after we figured we won't be getting it anytime soon. I don't think it made me feel better. So he said perhaps we should go back to the hotel were to spend the night and make a few calls. But I had planned this vacation for month. Looked at routes and places to visit and I had a few things lined up for the first day and now it looked all was going to go up in flames because I could not overcome my grief over missing bag.

But luckily my desire to see Iceland was far bigger than my desire to look for the bag using our vacation time. Thank goodness. I knew if I went to the hotel and tried to figure out what happened to the bag, considering it was Saturday...I knew it would be double misery. I don't handle being unhappy well. Plus it would make us fight too. Then there will be more misery. So we agreed to go sightseeing. I remember telling my husband that I don't want to be photographed cause I was too miserable to smile. So we agreed no photos of us, but will look around.

Iceland is beautiful. The vastness of nature and space simply absorbed my misery, at least that's what I felt. I forgot all about my bag and simply enjoyed the sight seeing. But when we got back to the hotel, it hit me again like a wave. I had a good cry. Sometimes crying makes things better cause I am able to get that boiling negative feelings out of my system. I also said an affirmation. I am not someone who has stolen or taken what has not been given to me. Even if I find things lying around on the street I will not take, because it is not mine. So I said that since I have been good, that my belongings should be returned without any of it stolen. But that would not bring me peace.

So we travelled or 9 days without any word of our luggage. We tried to each out via email when we could but nothing happened. We ended up buying most of our toiletries and some clothes and using laundry facilities in hotels to get what we had washed and cleaned. After the first day and a half most of my regular episodes of grief and despair reduced.  But it never went away. It raised it head up from time to time throughout the 9 days.

I realized that it takes one to lose something of great value to understand how much attached you are to them. Yes I was not attached to things if they were lost one at a time over a period of time. But this was a loss in one go. Many things I liked and it made a hole in my heart. I kept thinking about people who lose their houses, loved ones, in storms, hurricanes and landslides....I tried to give myself perspective. I tried to tell myself that I only lost things that can be replaced. There are things that cannot be replaced like people, like your peace of mind. I'm telling you, that work is easier said than done.

But we had a wonderful time. Yes we had a fight or two because of my misery and my husbands matter of factness but overall it was wonderful.  I was ready to come back and file a claim for a lost bag cause Air Canada said if you havent' received your bag in 5 days, then we shoud assume that it was lost. So I had to some degree made up my mind to bear a loss of over $3000. I also said to my husband that I there will be continued miserable episodes from time to time for some months to come.

So we were heading back home after 9 days. As we were checking in we tried one final time to ask if anyone could try to locate our bag. The lady at the check in counter was very sweet and she was happy to do that. She took all of the information and any tags that might aid them of identifying it. She said for us to wait by the side of the check in counters so she could ask a person to go through bags. I was surprised. I did not expect to wait...I simply thought they'd take the info. down and check later. There was another gentlemen who was also trying to locate his bag. About 15 minutes later she came to us. She told the other guy that they could not find his bag in the first check and they will go back to do another one. I assumed she had similar news for us. But instead she said, 'we found yours. come back to te counter". I remember saying "Holy crap". We went to the counter and there it was our bag.

We saw it after checking it in Chicago 9 days ago.

At home, once we opened tht bag, it was untouched. Nothing was missing. It was incredible. So we found our bag and all the lost items. We were thrilled. But I don't think I'll ever forget the lesson I learnt. First of all about how we over estimate ourselves and under estimate our attachment to things. Second, to we prudent; I mean these things can and will happen and perhaps a hand luggage is good to have from time to time. Third, never lose sigh of your objectives. We went to have a fun adventure, and I am glad despite all this we have some beautiful memories, stories to share because we knew that was our objective.

Everything Belongs

Everything belongs. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, what is painful and what is not, what is easy and what is difficult, what we like and don't like, what we want and not want, they all belong. The problem is that we wish things did not belong. We want to have certain things only and other things we want out of our lives. But irrespective of what we want and what our opinion of these things are they all belong. They all have a place right here and an equal right exist right now just as much as I do.

I found this insight extraordinary. All of life, we try to get close to things that are good to us, things that make us feel better and get away from things that are not good to us and things that make us feel lousy. But the judgment is made by us and no one else. The outcome of that judgement is felt by us and no one else. That makes us life easy or difficult. So I create the world I live in. I create the emotions that I feel. I am finding this extraordinary. I have no other words to describe it right now. It's shocking too. So much we have in control yet we walk like the world is responsible for what we go through and how we feel. When we are totally in control of how we feel and what we go through. Perhaps the what part might not be in total control. I mean...I could lose my bags on a 9 days trip, my sister can say mean things to me....these things I don't have control over but how I respond to them, is totally within my grasp.

So what do we complain, blame and become miserable and hateful and resentful? Is it because we don't understand what we are capable of? Or is it that we don't want to take that control for ourselves? Are we scared of such exercise of freedom and right? Are we intimidated by that? Or are we in unfamiliar grounds? That amount of freedom given to us, when we don't know what to do with it and how to maneuver ourselves within that space that's totally ours? I don't know the answers.

But from where I come, I feel that for me, it's a little bit of all of that and perhaps more that I haven't yet understood. But whatever it is, I understand that everything has a right to be. There is no point in me, trying to wish things that did not exist or things exist. These kinds of wishing and hoping even a little makes my life difficult, creates turmoil in my emotional world. What for? Does that help me? No but I still find myself wanting and not wanting things. It seems crazy to me that despite understanding this, I still could wish for what does not make me peaceful.

This is the very reason that my mediations can go up and down. I have seen and noticed that when there is peace I like it and when there are thoughts I don't. I wish for peace and I don't wish for lack of it. But my wishing no matter how many times and how long does not make peace or lack of it, more possible or less impossible. But when I let both be, as Ajahn always tells, then I am at peace. So I realize that all belong. There is no need to wish or not wish. You just have to allow things to be.

Volcanoes and Glaciers

My husband and I recently travelled to Iceland. It is a beautiful country. So much unobstructed beauty of nature was incredible to see an be in. I feel it's a place I would like to live. Not Reykjavik but somewhere out in the country side would be idyllic away from all the hustle and bustle but in the quietness of nature. It's called the land of ice and fire and it literally is. There is tremendous amount of volcanic activity in some part of the island and then there is glacial activity. It's incredible and amazing. I was simply taken up by the country more than any other country I had visited so far.

One of most interested places we visited was an active volcano near a geothermal plant. I cannot remember the name of it even if I did I will not be able to spell it. But the magma chamber of the volcano is only 3km underneath our feet. The place of boiling and smoking. There were Sulphur pools and smoking holes on the ground. But most amazing as we walked further into the centre of the volcanic explosions were the lava formations from year of eruptions. It truly looked like a place from hell. Angry, dark and twisted.

I literally felt the power that probably shook the place but in a dark way. I felt sad and intimidated at the same time. I have never felt that way before. The way the lava was formed and rocks were pushed together and pulled apart, the smell, the burnt darkness of the rocks and the lava was very intimidating.

It felt like earth was angry and mean.

Then again I thought of human emotions. Isn't anger we feel is just as bad and ugly as those volcanic eruptions. I mean when we are angry, we feel dark and twisted and out pour our lava in words, facial and bodily expressions and many other ways. So is there really a difference between what you see on earth and what goes inside us? Like the glaciers we are calm and cool when we are happy and okay and like the volcano we are angry and boiling over when we are angry. I found that thought fascinating.

Hearts with walls

When I was young I used to love going home. After school or after school classes we used to have, I'd wait to go back home. Home was my happy place. I used to curl up in bed on dark, cold, rainy days and would read all day and my heart was pleased. When I worked for the newspaper I used to be called the "Home Bird", cause I'd never hang around to socialize with others at work but instead run home to be with home people. I loved home and everything and everyone in it. It was peaceful and happy place for the most part and I felt secure in it.

But I don't feel like that any longer. Perhaps because it's been over 10 years since I left home for good. Or perhaps because I have my own home now, which I feel similarly about. Or perhaps because I feel that the home that was once close to my heart does not feel like that anymore, including the people I once shared a life with in it. It pains my heart but at the same time I realize that those who I call mother, father, sister and brother have their own journeys and own lives and over the years the paths we each have taken have moved us in so many directions that it's no longer possible to even get close, not just physically but mentally as well. I used be connected to these people. But as much as much heart wants that I realize that it's not possible.

It's sad that when we grow up, we see that part of growing up is being able to assert oneself over others. It is sad that when we grow up, we lose the kindness and he openness we had as children. It's sad when growing up also means to some being so separated from one another as to make oneself look important or different. It's extremely sad when your own brothers and sisters, based on their own prejudices and insecurities or egos, allow walls to creep us in personal relationships.

Whatever it is, I really don't have answers but only speculations. I look at my own heart and I see great sense of disappointment and sadness over the happenings of the last 2-3 months. It feels like my dad's sickness brought out the worse in everyone and true reflection of who they are as individuals. If what I have experienced over the last 3 months is even close to the truth, then I am afraid I no longer have space in my life for them anymore. Just writing that finality of tone makes me sad. But I don't know what to do other than create some space and distance between me and my family members.

I do not understand their hostility towards me. Whether it is by intention or not, there is that I feel. From my parents I feel a great deal of expectations that they don't seem to have from the others. But when I do everything that I can possibly do, that is also not good enough or there is more to do to make things better. I am asked to live up to standard that they do not demand from my brother and sister. They cannot handle a rough word from me but puts up with redness from my brother and sister all the time. For them, my life is perfect and I am perfect, whereas for my brother and sister their lives need to be helped and cared for by them and by me. Why is that? I don't know but I feel the burden that I cannot handle anymore.

Talking to home is unpleasant. Talking to my brother and sister is unpleasant. I have done everything in my power to 'take it in from one ear and put it out the other' but it's come to that point that I no longer even want to take anything in. I feel like I need a break from them for a while. Perhaps it will be good for me and them. Sometimes we all need to find some space and quietness and I certainly need to feel that without the constant barrage of complaints and requests and demands from them.

Recently we were on a holiday and the day we landed we found that our bags were missing. On the same day my brother sends me a text asking me to call so he could go over a letter that has to do with his move. We are holidaying and in another country and without access to Wifi and with a large time difference. So I told him that our bags were lost and I cannot attend to his needs right now. Then after a day he writes again asking if I got the bags. To that I replied that if he's waiting for my call not to do so because of the difficulty in getting through but to send the letter in. He simply went quiet and never wrote back or even asked about the missing bags. When I got home I wrote telling him we were back and that we could talk. When I called him he simply sounded very disinterested in talking and the attitude was that there is nothing to talk about and was very dismissive of anything I had to say. Moreover, he never even bothered to ask about the holiday or if we even found our bags. I was very hurt and disappointed.

The fact that he is so selfish and cannot even care about someone else until his little life is perfect was very sad to me. Now if I tell him he probably will lecture on how one should not expect and why one should expect so much but forgetting his own level of expectations and his inability to let go of his own ego and selfishness for a moment to ask about anothers problems. It was the same with my sister. It was all about her sickness and difficulties but never how I might be having a hard time with my knees and back and shoulder, when I was doing the taking care of my father. Everyone seem to feel they have the worse and therefore do not have an ounce of time and hear to spare for another. So I am leaving them be.

I claim that I also don't have the time and heart for them. It's taken a toll on me and my mental well being so I will stop for a while at least. Let them sort out their miserable lives and let me get on with mine.

Mind reactions leads to lack of peace

Recently my meditations have been erratic. For the most part this week I found myself feeling lazy to meditate. There have been times I've felt like this and its passed. But this time round there seem to be a block. At least that's how I felt. With all that has been happening, today I thought I'd sit down even for a short while.

Ajahn Brahm always says no matter what open the door of your heart. So I thought I'd try that. I think I do but perhaps I may not do as he says for us to do. I started with chanting. I do that when my head seem to be all over. I realized that my mind was running around even through the chants. But I kept at it and things clamed down as they always do. Then I moved to relaxing my body. It was better by that time. After a while I was able to pick up my breath. Then once more my mind started the thinking process. Thoughts were everywhere. But this time I continued watching them, opening the door of my heart to them even though they were not supposed to be there. I let them be, I said.

As I continued watching them I realized something. Perhaps I had known this before but not felt it this strong.

I realized that when things get a bit rough my mind jumps. It's almost like being frightened. You know when you don't like something, how your mind reacts. Well mine does in meditation when things arise that I think should not be there. But when things clam down I clam down cause it's nicer and easier.

This was fascinating to me. Cause this is how I live my life for the most part. Especially during the last month or so with all the events, my mind has become frightened. Even when I was in Australia I noticed it many times. My mind jumps (almost like a strong quiver) when I feel the negativities around me. Not just thoughts but events and people. Then when things clam down I clam down and I feel much at ease.

I saw that in my meditation today more thatn I'd ever done so before.

Am I frightened of my negative thoughts, just as I am frightened of negative events and people around me? I find that interesting. For my mind seem to react so similiarly to the internal thoughts as it does with external events and people. When things are not the way I want, I get frightened and want to run away and get distracted but when things clam down I accept it with open arms.

Isn't this what Ajahn Brahm tells us to move away from? But then I seem to be embracing it. It seems to give me comfort cause embracing what I don't like is hard.

So what is this teaching me? That I ought to be more patient, tolerant, understanding. Or have a balanced place in my heart for the good and the bad. Or is it teaching me to move away from my reactions to these events? Cause these thoughts arise out of past karma but as my teacher says it's my reactions that create future karma. So in my frightened reaction I am creating my future karma which could lead to similar situations?

Hmmm....it's something for me to consider.

So in my meditation I am simply reacting to thoughts that are arising, which is the problem. This sounds exactly like what Ajhan says. Depressed about being depressed or angry about being angry...reactions. Instead he says to let it be.

Next time I meditate I must try to be this way. Of course I mustn't try to control which reactionary. Oh my...I got to stop this cause I will twist myself into a knot. I should just write and let it go and not think about it. All thinking leads to confusion. But I thought I'd write it anyway cause I really felt it very strongly today.

So different and yet so similar

If nothing else the events of the last few weeks have taught me how different we all are, even if we belong to the same family and same mother and father. While its sad on the one hand, it is also liberating. Liberating to know that genes can dictate limited amount in our lives and just because we belong to a certain kind or type of family we don't always turn out to be like that.

I have wondered about this for a while now, because of my own experiences and experiences of those I associate closely. I suppose in some ways we create our own lives. Even though my husband and I live in the same house and shared a life together for almost 2 decades doesn't make us any similar or make us look at the same thing in the same way. You'd in some ways expect some similarity but not always. Its the same with my siblings and my parents. After all our parents raised us and for almost 2 decades we lived in the same house, ate the same food, associated more or less the same people and some ways influenced by similar things. You'd think. But not so.

The more I investigate it the more I feel it's not what we experience that make us different from one another, it is in how we experience it. Growing up I was a child mostly to myself. While I had challenging times in my early childhood and teenage years I never felt out of control. I almost never felt a need to please others even my parents. I was called stuborn and selfish for it. I don't think that made a dent in my sense of self worth. But on the other hand my sister was quite the opposite. While I retreated to myself my sistser was someone who loved the limelight. In her younger years she shined in drama and all the sports and stuff and was celebrated for it. I don't remember wanting the same. I was happy to be me. Stuck in a book, school or story.

My brother was 11 years younger to me. So by the time he was in his early years I was leaving high school an on to university. While I remember working with him on art and creative stuff, I don't remember hanging out like I did with my sister.

But we have all turned out so very different. I suppose there is good in that. If we all thought the same way perhaps we will not be able to look for better ways of doing things, new perspectives on stuff. But they are also the reasons why we clash. That's what has happened for the most part over the last few weeks. If after all is said and done my dad comes out the winner then so be it. I can make peace with that. But I feel like have learnt for myself a valuable lesson. That is just because we are siblings doesn't mean we think and feel the same.

Each of us despite similiarity in our experiences will see and feel about it very differently. I wonder what leads to this? Is it our personality? Is it our education? Is it those we associate, countries we live in....what is it? Or is it simply karma. Or is it a mixture of all these things.

Perhaps it's a mixture. I mean we are creatures of change. Whether we want to or not life itself changes us. The things that get on our plate sometimes are so unexpected that we have no choice but to deal with them. IN dealing with them we change the course of our lives, direction and flavor both. I feel that way about me and my siblings.

We are different beings in every possible way. Despite belonging to the same set of parents we are very different in who we are and how we deal with things. Perhaps there are traces of behaviours that run a thread. My husband says there are. That looking at the three of us and how we deal with things show a common thread...isn't that interesting?! I agree with him to some degree. So then there are things that we carry in the same way despite our differences?!

It's been interesting. While events of the last few weeks have left me tears from time to time, it 's also been a time for reflection. This is one of those reflections. How different we are and yet in some ways so similar.

Either way, I think it's best to have space to see and think for myself. While family is important I'm beginning to realise that along with that importance can come a lot of heartache. So over the last few weeks I've reflected on what makes these relationships so hard and dynamic. While it's nice to have people to hang out with, share a past and history with, it brings with many ups and downs, pleasure and displeasures, happinesses and unhappinesses. To me the ups and downs of life, while they are there for sure, don't have to be taken in the sameway. I'm looking for ways to reduce the impact it can have on my peace of mind. While I know I will not be removed from these life dynamics, I can find a better and a more constructive way of facing them. Perhaps with more balance in my heart and mind. I am investigating them now. So most of the events of the past few weeks are making me look for new ways for myself to exist.

 

The last few weeks have been pretty challenging, emotionally. April 26th we had to fly out to Australia. My father and mother had been visiting my sister for the previous 8 months and they were to leave by the end of that week. By my father got diagnosed with a perianal abscess and he was asked to go through emergency surgery. It was a tough one becase my sister said that it was a big one that had spread to various glands in side the rectum area. So naturally I was very worried. My father speaks a little English but my mother does not. So to be in a place where they cannot understand other people or get about on their own was a worry and what happened with my sister compounded all of them. I waited to hear about the surgery and decided to travel. My husband joined me. What is going to be written in this blog and a number of future ones would be my experiences during that time.

I am sure I will ramble on and on at times but I need to write these things because partly I feel it would be therapeutic for me. Over the last weeks I have struggled to come to terms with the things that happened over there and now continue to happen now as well. So I am sure I will go back and forth between my past experiences and try to make sense of some of them. While I understand that no amount of thinking will sort it in my head, I feel writing it down might alleviate some of the burden and hurt I feel in my heart.

Travelling to Australia wasn't an option, especially because my father-in-law died only 6 months ago. It was unexpected. I guess death always is unexpected to some degree. So it was weighing on my mind when my dad had to undergo this surgery. So with all the information coming my way I didn't wait. My husband too didn't want to and we flew.

What happened once we got there was in many ways disheartening. Before that I want to set up the background.

So by Sunday evening my time, my dad was told that his ultrasound revealed something bigger than what the family doctor thought it was. So they made him do an MRI. In that they found the extensive abscess. So he was asked to undergo surgery. They admitted him to hospital.

As I said before my father and mother had been visiting my sister for the past 88 months. My sister and her husband live in Melbourne and they have a 3 years old son. My sister also has knee issues and many marital problems that I have heard about for years. But they stick it out some how, I guess. They didn't have a baby sitter then and for the most part my parents looked after the child when the parents had to run errands. When my dad had to undergo surgery, everything got chaotic for everyone very quickly. Suddenly they had had to run around to the hospital and do everything. Because my dad and mom were not good in the language it made it that much harder. 

Calling my sisters home is a nightmare. They never answer the phone nor do they call back. But when my parents were there I would call and it will roll to voicemail and when I start speaking my mother or father would pick up. But my sister never does even if she is at home and on numerous occasions she has shown displeasure to my calling my parents and having extended conversations.

Anyway, I let those go for all these times. But when my dad was hospitalized, it became a problem. I had to wait for their messages. The day my dad was to have surgery, I didn't get any messages from my sister so I called their home. After trying 3 times, my mother finally answered and I barely had time to speak when the little one got on it. He is a bit naughty and cannot be controlled. So all I heard from my mother was that she was staying at home and looking after the kid while my sister and her husband went to the hospital. We didn't know when my dad was going to be taken in. Since my sister kept saying it was really bad I was way worried. So when I heard that my mother wasn't going to be in the hospital before the surgery I was not happy. I mean from the way everything sounded I really thought there was the possibility of complications and with his age and etc that it could be life threatening. So I wanted to tell my mother to somehow go to the hospital but my sisters husband came along and asked the little one to put the phone down and didn't let me talk to my mother. This rang alarm bells for me. But once again I couldn't do anything about it. My sister has given me only one mobile number which is my brother in laws and he never answers it. No one picks up the hone phone so you cannot do much. My parents don't have mobiles either. 

So after a little while my sister called and asked me not to call home. I was not happy but as calmly as I could I told her that I was very worried for my dad and that ever effort should be made to have my mother visit him  before he goes for surgery. Also on the previous day when I asked to speak with my father, they said the hospitals won't allow phone calls in the ward. I refused to believe this. I mean come on. In Australia (Austin hospital) saying to a daughter that she could not speak to her dad before a surgery....come on....so I wrote this to my sister as well and during that phone call insisted that I speak. 

She did make the call from the hospital and she did take my mother to see him and she was with him until he was taken in. 

By the time he was done, I knew he came through and before the end of the day I had told my sister that no matter what I hear or not hear I will make arrangements to come there. She also felt it would be the best considering all situations.

Initially I thought I'd go there for a few weeks so I could look after my dad and also help out with things. My sister kept saying how difficult it was for her to handle everything with the child and her knees and everything. Also realized that the day after the surgery my mother wasn't gonna go because there was no one for her to go with. I mean this was ridiculous. She has a car and she could take the child and my mother and go but no. She says she doesn't want her son exposed to the hospital environment. They boast about having friends, so why couldn't have they asked one of them to help out and have my mother visit him the day after the surgery. No that was not possible too. My sister kept on saying how to look after him when he gets released and who is going to do the work of looking after him cause she cannot and with a kid and the wound could be infectious and everything under the sun. I had to tell her not to worry so much. 

As I said, at the begging my plan was to go and stay for an extended time. 3 weeks was the thought. Also my husband decided to fly with me. This was good and was a surprise considering how hectic his work schedule was. But because there was no place at my sisters house to stay, he was worried how I was going to manage on my own. Plus Id have to rent a car. Driving on the wrong side of the road, having to stay by myself with all the stress my husband didn't feel it was best for me to travel on my own. It was very good of him to think that way. When we were looking at booking flights, he asked me how I was going to manage on my own once he was gone. I said I will somehow manage. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that my idea wasn't going to do me any good.

The last time I was in Australia, I went to visit my sister. I went early so we could send time together with the little one. But it turned out to be a disaster. She was ver mean to me from the get go, I don't know why. I don't even think she thought anything of it. I felt like an inconvenience and I didn't like it. After all my intention was to have a good time and spend time together but it was aweful that by the end of my time there I swore to myself that I would not travel to my sisters place unless my husband was with me.

So for me, going to visit my dad on my own would be a contradiction to this promise. More than keeping to a promise is the misery that it could bring about if I were there on my own and my sister started to get mean and crazy. So when my husband told me to think about it but support me no matter what, I changed my mid.

I said I would go with him and come back with him even if it was only for 12 days. At least I'll be able to give a helping hand and my parents will be happy to see us and my sister could take a break from caring for them and attend to the kid and her knees.

So I told her that I will not be coming for an extended period and told her that both of us will be there for the 12 days and we will do everything we can for them. During that conversation she laid out her expecations which were not fair for me.

She implied that she felt let down, because I had told her I was going to come for a longer time. She said that she was hoping I could do things for her to make it easy for her and etc.....this didn't go down well. I told her that it's not the time for her to complaint about what she has to do for her parents. I told her that she was the one who brought them down for a long time, for her assistance and now that one of them was sick, she shouldn't expect me to run around the world to do things to make her life easier. I told her as nicely as I can, that I too have a life. I have a family. My husband travels extensively and he needs me to take care of our home. Running from my home to Melbourne is not like catching a bus or a train to a nother city. It's almost a 24 hour flight and we have to leave our home our cat. For her to imply that she expected I would make myself available whenever and wherever was not a nice thing to do.

I think hearing me say that to was even worse. I could literally see her walls all coming up in that conversation itself. But I ended saying, we will have our car and we can do everthing for my father.

So during transit, I realized that my father was released from the hospital with a tube attached. But he was stable. This was good news for me and my husband. So we boarded the flight to Melbourne with much ease.

Once we got there that wasn't to last much longer!