Gone in a second

Its been a while since I have last written a blog. I was travelling for quite sometime. Its been a time of much contemplation since I feel the situations that I had to encounter somehow have changed who I am. 

The biggest encounter was with my health. A couple of days before I was to leave for a vacation to Australia to see my sister and my brand new nephew, I started having this noise in my ears. I woke up one morning, went to the toilet and got back in bed and there it was...the noise. It was like air coming our of a went but a little sharper. I still remember the paralyzing fear I felt in my gut. I was a feeling of being invaded. The quiet space that I have revered for all of my life was gone in a second, to be replaced by this constant noise. Just like that things changed in my life.

I could not sleep that night because there was an intruder in my own body. A noise making creature so to speak and I could not rest. I did the only thing I knew...search the internet for an answer. Nothing that came up make me feel any better. I sat in my meditation room, hoping that I would feel a sense of ease. Instead it was tormenting. I felt utterly miserable. Towards morning I fell asleep listening to a talk my Ajahn Brahm, because one of the things in the internet said, to use noise to cancel out the noise. 

Then I had to go away. I did not want to. But everything was booked and it was an expensive vacation of 6 weeks. For the first time in my entire life, I left on vacation not wanting to go and the noise lingered on. I was told that it could be tinnitus. A ringing in the ear that is chronic for no clear reason. Of course I was in another country so I could not access medical facilities as would have liked to if I was in my own country. 

I am used to chronic illness. I have chronic headaches and dizziness. Have had that for the past 5 years. But for some reasons this noise in my ear, felt like a new blow. I felt robbed, cheated on by life itself. Despite my headaches and dizziness I could meditate, I could simply close my eyes and give myself to the healing quietness around me. But now, that space was defiled. I felt miserable and utterly stranded in life. I was in a new country. My husband was in another country at work. Even though I was at my sisters, she had a 14 month old. People were lost in their own lifes and so was I. The difference was that I did not want to be lost in mine. It was too unpleasant. I cried many times thinking of my past and how simple life once was and how that it is complicated. I felt unfairly treated by life. 

I mean haven't I gone through enough. People live for years without any sickness. I am too young to be this sick, for this long a time. And the punches keep coming. I wanted to die. I could not imagine living with this for another moment, let alone a year or ten years or more. 

Its been almost 3 months since I had this and its not changed. But somewhere I feel like I have begun to change. Slowly but gradually. 

Having a chronic illness is not easy. It was never easy even when I had my headaches...and then I kinda got used to having them. I remember in October I was telling my neurologist that they don't have to cure it but to ease it cause I have learnt to make friends with my headache. Then  "Bam" the noises started.

It was an enemy inside of me. I wanted to destroy it, run away from it, ignore its very existence. But it was not possible. How can I run away from my own body without destroying it? 

I fought with myself, which was also my new sickness, until I was emotionally exhausted. At first it was disbelief that something like this could happen to me again, then it was anger, for the injustice that I would be young and I still have to live day in day out with these miserable conditions while others just partied and went on with their little merry lives, then it was sadness that I had to live with it and the feeling that I just could not. Most of all I felt sad that I could not sit down and close my eyes and feel that quiet space surrounding me. 

I was lost again. I felt like I had been bobbing in and out of water just long enough to take breaths to survive. But I felt that somethings just landed on my head and pushed me under water completely. I was drowning. I had no answers and there was no one that I could reach out to for help. The medical practitioners are only there to say what it could be and prescribe something for the symptoms. If its not helping they can only say how sorry they were and I heard that when I was in Australia. Somehow it did not make me feel better.

My husband was in another country. He was busy that I could speak to him once  a day. Somedays all i could do was cry. But again, he was sorry for me and felt sad that he could not do anything for me. My sister and my brother in law did the best they could, which was to direct me to a doctor, give their vehicle for me to access what I needed to access and inquire about me. Again they were sorry. 

But no amount of sorriness made me feel better or make things better for me. I hope that people realize that saying 'sorry' to someone when they are not well or having a bad time is of no use. It does nothing. Perhaps the person who says it feels better because the only thing they can do is to say "Sorry". But never fool yourself thinking that its going to help the other person.

So I was desparate. And i turned to the only thing I turn to when I am going under. Meditation. It was so very difficult. I felt that I was starting to learn meditation all over again. I could not do breath meditation because the quiet space was quickly filled with the noise. So I fell back into a meditation that I started my journey with. Metta meditation and chanting. I chanted quite  a lot during the first few weeks of my holiday and after coming back home. I chanted because it helped me drown the noise. So I chanted slowly anything that came to my head. During that time I felt a sense of ease. Chants are positive and wholesome songs almost like hyms. They describe the virtues of the buddha, qualities of wholesomess and much more. So when I chanted for 20 minutes I felt like much peace. Then I gradullay started metta. It like quiet verbalising of loving-kindness thoughts to oneself and others. I did the best I could under the circumstances. 

When my husband got to Australia we were travelling about that there as no time for my noise to pop up. 

But it all came back once I got home. MY home is very quiet without much noise from the surroundings. So when all go quiet, the noise in my ear fills it up pretty well. It was like going back to hell. I knew I had to face this eventuality. But knowing and facing it for real were quite  different. 

Its worse when people who are closest to you cannot help you at times like these. One becomes truly alone. I realised how isolated each of us are. We are fooled  into beliving that we have people, loved ones and friends around us. Yes they are there physically and sometimes mentally but I can assure you no one can take away the feeling of isolation you feel inside when you are dealt with a blow from life. Only you feel it and unless there is someone who knows exactly what you are going through, its like what everybody says is gibberish. I relaised that I am truly alone and that I should stop fooling myself that there are people who can take care of me.

I realized that no matter what you better be your best support system. Cause when the going gets tough, if you dont have the goods, the chances are that you would fall into a bit of a spot which is dark and ugly. 

I realised that people have their own lives and their own priorities no matter how close they are to you. No one is going to stop or speed down theirs for you. That was a hard realization. Im mostly taking about my husband who is so very busy with work that the first week we were back and I was struggling all he could do was be busy and have a nice drink in the evening. When I told him that I needed help and I needed him to think of me, he was mad at me for asking him to stop his business and his drinking. 

Again I fell back into meditation. Meditation is by no means a cure. Up to this date it hasnt cured my illness for make them any less, but what it had helped me with is to come to terms with the fact that this is life and so are people. Even though you might think its a negative state to be in, I find that it has kept me sane, made me strong and self reliant to some degree.

At the end of the day, this condition may never leave me until the day I die. But I cannot fight until that day. So I am surrendering my need to get better to the nature of life. It's a hard truth to come to terms with. I may never will. Or I might think Ive come to terms with it until I am hit with another punch in my belly to realise that in fact I haven't. However future maybe, I realise that life has mysterious wasys of unfolding. Some of it you make like and some of it you may not like. But whether you like it or not, those are the cards you are dealt with. 

It very humbling. I see people don't get these things easily. When someone gets sick, they don't think of the others who are like them or worse. We fall victim to it with ease. In that we miss our lesson. We also fail to learn when we are not sick also. Because those who don't face these issues are so proud of their health that they cannot fathom the  pain someone else might go through. Again we lose the  lesson. I see an in between. A place where we gain much whether or not we are sick. A sense of feeling that we are in this together. 

What is Dukkha

I don't think there is or was anyone with most expertise and insight into what this words meant other than the Lord Buddha himself. But he advised each one of us to understand the meaning by ourselves, since that is the way to Nibbana.

What I am going to write in my blog today is my understanding of Dukkha as I have experienced and seen it up to date. I am sure my views will change an evolve with time and more practice but what is going to help me or not is what I understand today. So I will share my understandings as of now.

During this past year, I have had many changes in my life. Some have been positive and happy experiences and other have been not so and has brought much unhappiness and worry to me. But all these things have made me contemplate on the unfolding of life. Life is a chain of events. They arise, stay for a recent amount of time, even if it means seconds, then fade away. No matter how big or small these events are they all have the same characteristic. Same with emotions. Usually our emotions are associated with these events. Either they arise along with the events or after or before an event. Either way they too arise in the mind and stay for a while and fade away. I have watched this happen over and over again over the past year.

I have found that getting emotionally involved with any of these events creates a lot of energy within myself. The energy can be negative or positive. Negative means it creates anxiety, restlessness and worry etc within my mind whereas positive ones create elation, joy, excitement, restlessness etc. When I have looked deep into all these emotions, the positive and the negative both, I have noticed that they both create a kind of waves in the mind. It really is insignificant what emotional value we attach to it. Either way it is a movement. It's like throwing a pebble into clam, clear water. Does not matter whether you throw a pebble or a diamond, it creates ripples. I see the same in the mind. Good or bad the mind moves.

This movement I have found to be Dukkha or suffering. One might say, if things are happy why should you call it Dukkha. What I have experienced it that as a result of that arising and fading away, this happiness too will go away and in its place, we will have an emptiness which we will find not to our liking. Or it might be replaces by a negative event. So it goes on and on and on. I find this exhausting. I mean at the the end of the day everything boils down to this principle.

But I get involved nevertheless. I am sure I do that because my understanding of this constant change which the Buddha called impermanence is not strong enough.

But I have come to this understanding of Dukkha.

When I saw that I felt a sense of sadness. Then what is all this living for. The things we do, the things we strive for to make things better if at the end it all falls into this ever churning cycle. I contemplated on this too.

I realised that the things we do, the things we strive are actually not the things we need to put forth energy into. I mean don't get me wrong. We need to earn a living and put food on the table and pay the bills and so on. But all of us strive for much more than just living and putting food on the table. We need cars, vacations, nice clothes, parties, friends and fancy foods etc. All of these things that we put forth most of our energy into ultimately end up in that principle of arising, staying and fading away. At the end what does it leave us with? Memories, yearnings, expectations all of which I see tends to create restlessness in us. But only a few us notice this. Most of us tend to think of it as life.

I beg to differ. I think we don't understand life fully. As a result we don't know how to live it. I remember somewhere in a talk or in a book Ayya Khema said that we need to learn to live life. I will not fully agree with her. The things we have been passed on by our elders, society, norms, customs etc are there because we have created it. Not necessarily out of understanding how to live life. Therefore I think we need to figure out how to live life fully, Not just because we were born into it, not just because most of the world and people around us tell us to live in a particular way, not just because we have no other choice.

I believe when we learn to live life as it ought to be done, there will be a lessening of Dukkha,  I have learnt that when you learn these skills and methods of living, your life becomes easier rather than difficult. Your emotional responses to life becomes more peaceful rather than conflicting. As this unfold our emotional ups and downs to events of life will become less and less.

This is not "NOT FEELING". In fact its the opposite. You feel and see things fully and clearly. But it does not sway you in one direction or another, because your mind had seen that no matter what, it all follows the arising, staying and fading away principle. Within that, it's best to stay serene rather than get involved.

I have found this way of living, at times when I am able to, to be very peaceful and enjoyable. In fact it much more enjoyable than getting involved emotionally. You can simply sit back and enjoy the drama. Once its over you can quietly leave, instead of crying for the fact that you don't have it anymore or wondering when you get to see it again. You are in your sweet spot.

The Buddha said that where there is Dukkha arising, in that place itself is the cessation of it. I am beginning to see how right he was. I used to avoid dukkha or run away from it but now I simply cannot even if I wanted to. Because I have this deep belief that I need to stay with it until I am out of it. For once Dukkha runs it course out, there will be that sense of peace and quiet. But  it has to be faced with and dealt with.

So these are some of my understandings of Dukkha. I am sure I must have rambled on but for me writing these feelings/thoughts is essential so that I can come back to it again and again. These things have a way of vanishing into thin air. So the only way to make sure I don't lose them is to write them down.

Living in the moment

During the past week I have learnt many lessons about life and meditation. One of them is about being in the present moment. There is a lot of books written about the subject by those who are experts. What I am trying to do here is not to add to that but instead to write about my personal understandings. 

Last week was a tumultuous week. Many things happened and most were not pleasant. These events created much emotional turmoil, worry and anxiety within my mind. It was not a happy place to be in. But I persisted with my meditation nevertheless. When you are so unhappy and full of anxiety and worry, it takes much space in your mind. There is little space for happiness. The energy is negative and entrapping, not freeing and free flowing. So my week was like that. I felt trapped. I need to find that light at the end of the tunnel but everything looked bleak and obscure.

On Tuesday morning, I had to run some errands. Before that I did my usual morning chores and my meditation. Then I washed and got dressed and went to run my errands. After coming home, I did my exercise and then went in to the shower. While I was showering I understood something. And that was that, all things in life that unfolds are events. They are simply events or episodes by themselves. But we attach a great deal of meaning and emotions to them. That makes us unable to stay in the present because there is much emotional baggage that is lying around or lurking around to be attended to. The present moment is very simple. I was showering. There is nothing fantastic about it or earth-shattering emotional experience. It was a simple activity. So there is little to think. So, the mind has nothing much to do. The mind needs to be occupied all the time. It needs to be occupied with interesting things. Whether they make us happy or unhappy, the mind sees them as things that can occupy its vast empty space. So it picks on them and attaches. Then its put on a scale, giving it values/meanings. 

So the mind cannot stay in the present. Cause if it did, there is nothing much to do, no chattering to be had about anything. It's space, emptiness and peace. But we don't see this often enough to want to stay in it.

I realized that during my shower. I realized that all the drama that unfolded in the days previous were merely events/activities. I had weighed in on them and attached a great deal of emotional significance. Therefore, I could not get away from them. They keep coming back again and again wanting attention, wanting sorting out. This train of emotional thoughts generation connects the past, present and future. When its all connected I am overwhelmed. I feel that I have no way out. Of course I have no way out, because I want to stay in it, because its important to me. It's important than the simple present moment that I have where I get to do nothing but a simple activity which has no emotional significance unless I give it a name.

When I saw this I was amazed. But I realized that what I experienced was soon going to vanish and it did. I was back to my same old drama. But I was happy that I had a glimpse to something that I could possibly come back to again and again, just because I saw it for real once. 

So today, after almost a week, I was meditating. I saw this same process unfolding in my meditation on breath. I cannot stay on the breath, because there is nothing much to do there. There is the breath and then there is the seeing of it. But its not that interesting as the vacation that is coming up, or all the worries of the past. So the mind goes to them, because there is so much emotional investment. 

Since I had had this experience/understanding in the previous week, I decided to give my breath more importance. I gave it more emotional value. Along with that the mind stayed for much longer. Every time I entertained my thoughts my mind went to them and stayed in them. But when I realized this came back to my breath, giving it importance it stayed on.

I learnt a good lesson. It's like watering the weeds vs the flowers. I think I have heard Ajahn Brahm say this thousands of time but I probably never quite saw it like I did the last week. 

Every time I go to my drama, I water them. Therefore they grow. Along with it, my peace vanishes, I get anxious, worrisome and unhappy. But when I start watering my breath, it starts to grow. It gets peaceful, happy and light. I was able to do this for a while. It was interesting. 

I don't know whether I would be able to do this at will but I know now, what I need to do. After years of meditation, I feel as if I am still learning and dabbling in the basics. But I don't mind really. Every little bit helps. I hope this understanding will grow, until I am able to only water the flowers in the garden of my mind. 

Gaining perspective

Last week has been tumultuous to say the least. My husband had to fly out of the country, I got sick with a facial tic and I was all by myself. Not having my husband around is bad enough, that I had to be sick and by myself was worse. I was very unhappy, scared, anxious and simply wanted to curl up in bed until it was time for me to travel to join him in Hong Kong.

Being unwell and being all by yourself without family around is hard. I felt alone and scared. I had little energy to do anything except get up and do my basic daily chores. But I had to see a specialist, go to my volunteer work on Monday. I wanted to give up.

Then I started to think. I have been volunteering as a hospice patient visit volunteer for just over a month. I see two patients for about an hour every week. I also spend time with one of my patients spouse. I started to think of them. I felt that I was like my patients in the hospice, minus of course the confirmed death within 6 months. I felt alone. I felt I was stuck in a body that was not making me feel good. I was inside my own house without any loved ones. I was also at the care of total strangers in medical care facilities.

But then I thought more. I tried to see what it must be like for my patients. They are in there late 80s, so very weak physically, they are in a nursing home removed from their familiar surroundings and their loved ones. There loved ones will visit them from time to time but they could not dictate when. They were in the care of strangers. Room mates of strangers. Stuck in weak, sick bodies. Perhaps like me I thought. But then again I realized, that I was not in my 80s and stuck in a body that is frail and unable to move. Yes I didn't have my loved one but I could walk out, drive any place that I wanted to, in case for entertainment, food or whatever. My faculties were well functioning.

I realized that I had very little to complain about. My feeling sorry for myself, could no longer be justified. So I got up and went to see them and later that day I also went to see the specialist.

I didn't feel elated at the end of the completion of these tasks, that I had found to be so very difficult in the previous day. But I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. I was clam. That was good enough.

Thinking of my patients changed my perspective. I think we lack perspective for the majority of the time we live. We take things for granted. Our health, what we have, our comforts, people who love us and many other things which are really not that complicated. Then when we lose them, we complain about them. Instead, I realized that I needed to appreciate and feel a sense of gratitude for what I have and stop complaining about what I don't have. Because at the very moment I am complaining, there are many  people in the world, who live just fine and make do with less things.

Why is it that we cannot gain perspective? I contemplated on this for quite sometime.

I felt that we lack a great deal of empathy for the general suffering that goes around. We live in our own little bubble. We usually think people who are rich and powerful live in bubbles. I don't think so. I think each one of has a bubble of our own. No matter what conditions we are in, the kind of people we deal with, whether we have comfort or not, each one of us has a bubble. Outside of that is all other things external. All our dramas, pain, happiness and the whole bag of it, happens inside of our own bubble. Therefore we feel it is ours only. There is a sense of why is this happening to me. Why is the world unfair to me? Why do I always have the rough end of the stick?

But what I realized is that in each bubble this unfolds. We just cannot get ourselves to look at the other bubble and recognize that what's happening inside mine is not that much different to what's happening in the bubble next to me. Therefore my suffering takes on this all important role. But if you were to look outside and see that the person next to you goes through similar issues, then yours will not become that important. But we humans are not engineered to do that.

I realized that's something we need to acquire. I think it's one of the most important acquisitions to be made, because it makes you understand that we are all alike in some way or another. That these huge barriers that we seem to erect between individuals, groups and societies is really not necessary.

I have also been watching the Kardashian show during it's last two seasons. I'm sure some people think they are privileged and lucky. But when you cut through their clothes, mansions, cars and expensive looking trips, they go through the same dramas, personal issues, unhappiness, confusions we all go through from time to time. I also realized that they are worse off than us, because they have to live under the scrutiny of so many people in the world. They also have to succumb to expectations of so many people in the world. So after watching this show for almost two seasons, I have come to see that their lives are not that different to mine, except that I have a great deal more freedom and choice than any one of them combined.

I saw the same conclusions, when it came to my hospice patients. I may not be certified by two doctors that I would die within the next six months. But then people die without the certifications of doctors everyday. My suffering was not that dissimilar to theirs, except that they had great many more barriers to their day to day living.

So, this perspective helped me to be less engrossed in my own issues. I became a little less selfish.

I think we become selfish because we are too engrossed in our own issues in our lives. We are the center of our universe and everything has to revolve around us to make our lives better. Well it never works like that, not for me, not for you and not for anyone, no matter how much we would like to believe. But when we live in our bubble things look and feel very different.

So it's important for us to step outside of ourselves. Understand where people are coming from. Not from your perspective but from the theirs. Then you learn to appreciate whatever little you may or may not have there is much to be grateful for and when we live in our little bubble, that gratitude is lost in our selfish desires and complains.

Breaking the shackles

I have had a strained relationship with my in-laws for as long as I have known them. It's been hard. I used to think I was the only one having that hard time but as time went on and I grew and learnt, I realized that I cannot possibly be the only one. As long as there are two sides, the problem and the pain associated belong to both sides. So does the solution, I used to think. But I have learnt differently since.

I have learnt that a problem can be created by one person solely due his or her responses to a particular event, situation and people. I have also learnt that these problems usually tend to get spread around. It's like a net being cast in the ocean. It not only catches the fish its meant for, but also the fish they don't want and other debris. A person who has a problems, due to their misery, anger and many other emotions, tend to cast a net around them and it catches people. I have learnt that we get caught in them, because of our lack of awareness and lack of skillfulness in our own responses. Therefore, I have also learnt that a solution can be found all on your own. It does not have to involve everybody.

It's taken me many years. Agonizing, painful years to recognize these facts. It's taken me many angry moment filled with pure hatred and a need to seek revenge and bring hurt upon those who have hurt me. But I have to a great degree been able to shrug them off over the last 11 years. Today I feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years. I may not have that tomorrow. But I know I have that today. 

I am writing this blog, so that I may share how I have come to this point.

As I said before, it's been hard, difficult and painful. I have experienced negative emotions that I never thought I had. But through them all I recognized that there is no room for blame. There is absolutely no room for being a victim. I recognized how easy it is to blame the other. For saying hurtful things, for showing that you are never good enough, for making others believe that you are the problem and for many others things. It's easy to say, "she is a mean person, they are bad" so on and on. I used to do that. But where did that leave me? I was fanning my own anger, hatred and the need to keep on hating. 

I also recognized that it's easy to be the victim. The moment you put the blame on the other person, you immediately become their victim. Poor me! I was a "poor me" for just as long as I blamed them for my misery. I was the perfect victim of terrible in-laws who were hell bent on hurting their only daughter-in-law. As long as I remained the victim, I would not make an effort NOT to be a victim. Everything they said or did, made me more and more of a victim. And it was as if I were chained against my will. But I learnt that this too is what my mind made up in order to prevent me from taking responsibility for the things I do, and how I feel. As long as I was the victim, I could do equally mean things, and put the responsibility back at them and they were the reason that made me do these terrible things that I would not normally do.

I recognized that, those who hurt others, are people who are in deep hurt themselves. It's difficult to make others unhappy, if you are a happy person. Only unhappy people make others unhappy. I learnt that I too was that unhappy person. Yes, of course my in-laws were unhappy as well. But that was no longer my responsibility. My responsibility was that I was allowing myself to get unhappy. As a result I was spreading my own unhappiness on to others. 

I recognized that I, only I am responsible for how I feel. It's a very difficult truth to come to terms with. I don't think I still fully comprehend the depth of it. But I know vaguely that I am responsible for it and as long as I am blaming someone or being someones victim, I allow them to play me, so to speak.

I recognized how exhausted I felt because of all these things. It's like an emotional roller coaster ride. Emotional roller coaster rides are not pleasant at all. They take you from one moment of joy to another moments misery. One moments peace and love to another moments flaming anger. It take a toll on you after a while. I think somewhere during my time, I started seeing the ride. The ups-and-downs. The toll it took on me and my emotional make up. I was like a prisoner of my own thoughts. I did not like that. I always sought freedom and I seemed to be doing the opposite. 

I recognized that I no longer need to be a prisoner of my own thoughts and emotions. I also recognized that I don't always have to believe in my own thoughts, especially if they lead me down a miserable road. I realized that my thoughts and emotions are like the clouds. They appear and then they disappear. They never stay long enough or with the same shape to give itself meaning. I realized that my game of victim and blaming, made me want to give these fleeting thoughts and emotions a great meaning. It felt right. It was justified. From all angles it was right and that is how things work normally, perhaps. But somewhere down the road, I realized this need to hold on to these fleeting things is the reason why I ride these constant emotional rides. Does not matter how they are triggered; does not matter who triggered them; does not matter whether there is logic to it or not (and usually there is plenty of logic), I do not need to take ownership of them.

It's hard to do this. Not to take ownership of my thoughts and emotions. Because you begin to wonder what to believe in anymore. Are you supposed to doubt yourself? Actually, the only rule that I use these days is that, if my thoughts and emotions no matter how right or justified I feel they are, if they make me even the slightest bit uneasy or negative, then they cannot be justified. How can I justify making myself feel unhappy?

Learning all of this took me a long time and much time with myself, looking within and questioning and investigating. I feel the clouds parting. But I also know it's also going to be fleeting. But the fact that I feel this sense of freedom and ease, has to be right. If I feel at peace what more could I possibly want for myself. Then by that truth alone, what has brought me to this point must be a good thing. That means not being a victim, blaming others, needing to give justification to my thoughts and emotions are not necessarily good things.

That means I have to change how I live my life. That means I have to change the map with which I live my life or have lived it thus far. It's hard doing it. It's almost like going back to basics and starting all over. It feels as if I am walking towards the unknown. I feel scared. I feel worried that I might take a bad stumble along the way. But I'm not sure whether I should continue live and think the way I used to either. 

So I have learnt that you need to constantly unlearn and relearn. It's hard when you are closing in on your 40s. But I also feel that there is no other choice. I mean I can chose to live caught up in my thoughts and emotions, blaming others, being victimized or I can chose to move on into the light, into that sense of ease. I think I like that sense of ease much better. I am happier that way.

I have been very fortunate to have had the support of some of the  most wisest of people during the last 11 years of my life. I could not be here if not for them. They have been like pillars and net of support from time to time. They have allowed me to lean on them when I needed to and allowed to me to fall on them when I needed to also. I must believe that I will continue to have that no matter where I go, so that I may push through my fears and self doubts. If not the path is a hard one and a lonely one. So I dedicate the last 11 years of my life to them. I also hope that in writing this and publishing this, would allow someone to make this experience a supportive pillar and a net too.

Recognition here and now

A few weeks ago, I was watching a repeat episode of Grey's Anatomy. It showed a pregnant woman being brought to the ER following a car accident. She was talking, joking and despite the worries of the doctors, seemed to be doing perfectly well. So the doctors try to figure out what is going on. Finally the doctors request an MRI just to clear her. While she is on the MRI table she codes and is rushed to the OR and dies. 

The doctors final explanation is that, she seemed fine and alive and lucid because her body was in a state of shock after the accident and adrenaline was keeping her going. This also made her unaware of the extend of her injuries to her body. But when all the noise quietened during the MRI scan while she was on the table, her body had time to relax and come to terms with the seriousness of the injuries she had sustained during the accident. That is when she died.

The moment I heard this I thought :- Do we not live our lives in the same manner?

I feel that most people these days live on an adrenaline rush. This is because our lives and the world around it move at such a speed. From the moment we wake up we are on the go. Get ready in the morning, eat, if you have kids, feed and dress them up, go to work, drop off kids, make through the day from one meeting to another or one phone call to another, come home or meet friends, do dinner, clean up, shower and go to bed and put everyone to bed. Weekends are worse. So, the body is constantly moving. The mind must move with it to keep up. Like during an accident. Like when we are caught in a current. We are pushed and pulled along with the current. The speed of it keeps carrying us. Life does the same to all of us. It is like a current. Keeps carrying us. And there is no time to think. 

It's a mad rush. A run on adrenaline. The only time we are made to stay in one place is when we are sick, or we get too old to do the samethings we did at the same pace when we were younger. But at that point, just like the woman who was unaware to her fatal injuries, we suddenly become conscious of it. Then we die. Sometimes literally but for the most part we become angry, depressed, hopeless, fault finding...a myriad of things.

We have no choice when we get to the point of lying on the table and recognizing the extent of our wounds. It's already too late. Most us try to live life backwards. Regretting, remembering a past that is lost and gone, make up for lost times, right the wrongs....but life cannot be lived backwards. It's just not made that way. Life is not even made for the future. Where we wish on and plan endlessly, only to recognize that it might not unfold the way we wanted. Life is made for right now. All that matters is what we are and what we do and say right now. 

When we are living right now, we have a choice. We can act. We don't have to regret, mourn for something that went wrong, try to make wrongs, rights. Neither do we have to wish for things to be better. We can make it better right now. Right now we can feel things and change things. The choice is only available right now. If we can be alive right now, not be lost in the fog of the past or that of the future, we will begin to see clearly and feel clearly. 

It's like the woman, if she gave away to the pain of her injuries, the depth of them, perhaps the doctors would have rushed her along, without wasting time for they would have known well in time that something really bad has happened to her. 

In the same way, if we allow ourselves to live right now, we might recognize that we are caught in a current, that it is dragging us further and further away from the shore. That struggling against is only going to exhaust us until such time the current ends and we have not strength to swim back. Or we don't even know we are caught in a current, we swim along jolly well until we feel what we are in and fear engulfs us and we drown in fearful desperation. Either way the end brings us no happy ending. 

Perhaps there is no happy ending either way. 

But when we can become aware of our predicament, we start generating choices. It's how we operate. The awareness for most is the most painful of all. Because it opens our minds and eyes to the reality. Sometimes the reality is not pleasant. Like the woman with the injuries. The coping mechanism was to be oblivious so that she could feel no pain. But that alone killed her. So it's better to feel than not feel. I know many people living life, thinking they are happy,  only because they have numbed themselves to the realities of life. But that can happen and go one for so long. When the dust settles, it's going to get ugly. 

So might as well wake up and feel the pain, so that you can generate the choices to get out of it or stay it, whichever is the best scenario. But we need to live right now for that. Without the present right in front of you, you cannot find your choices. Without the choices, you are simply being dragged by the currents of life. 

Believe you me, it will drag us in its merry path. But when all settles, when we are sick in bed, or waiting to die, when we finally recognize what has really happened, it gets a bit too late to act. It get harder to act. TI gets that much harder to do something to reverse course because time is something that will not wait on us. That is when regret appear, depression, anger and all these emotions that you should not be having, they appear.

So we need to live here and now and recognize what we do to our lives, those around us. This opens us to see things even those that which we don't want to. But there is no other way to live. Life is a pulsating, living process. We need to get plugged in. Not numbed out. 

Learning to Live

Ayya Khema in one of her books said that as people we need to learn to live life. She said that just because we are born to with a life we are not equipped with the right set of skills to live it.

Last Sunday I turned 39 years old. Even after 39 years I must say that I am still learning to live. I see those around me 'living' not knowing why or how they do it. I see me 'living' in the same way but over the years I have made a conscious effort to learn the way to live life. The more I see and meet people in general I feel their confusion, their struggles with themselves and those around them. I see that people live in problems and that for most living amongst the problems being swung from one end to the other, if life. But I beg to differ. No  matter who says what I now know with great certainty that living can be more peaceful, happy and harmonious for the most part, if you know how to live.

What is 'knowing how live'? We are human after all....with a brain and significant brain matter to know how to live isn't it? We are born into life after all? But truth is far from it.

Many beings are born into life just as much as we are...with smaller or larger brains but not exceeding the capacity of that of a human. I was recently watching a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef and life on it. During the time I watched it, it made me realise how similar we are to those creatures living on the reef. They are born on the reef, they grow in it. Some are lucky to survive their infant stages. Then when they grow, they eat, drink and do their reproductive activities. If they are lucky they will not get killed as prey of a bigger animal. Then they die. During their lifetime, there many ups and downs....weather, water, temperatures, hunting animals, getting sick....to me it sounded so similar to a human life.

Many people I am sure will argue vehemently that I am wrong...that there is more to a human life than what I just described. Really? If you take away the frills and thrills, doesn't our lives boil down to the very activities that I just described above? We are born, if we survive the infant stages, we grow to eat, drink, sleep to reproduce, then we die unless we get unlucky to get killed. All during that time we have many ups and downs.....the only difference for me is that we have the ability to call names for things we do....go to school, get married, do meaningful work, raise children etc etc. but when one takes it part we simply go through the motions that most other beings go through.

Most of us live going through these simple motions. Yes, we do have the ability to think but we use that mostly to go through the motions that others go through without perhaps much of that thinking. Then we call it life.

The lack of knowing how to live, is shown in our inability to use our brain and its capacity to move out these motions. We live life like a habit. We pick up things from our parents, siblings, relatives, teaches, friends, and greater society and instead of using that to carve out our on way of being, we simply follow it. We have no choice. Those who have tried to carve out their own way of being have been burnt, put to prison, called rebels or crazy. We humans need a sense of harmony. Instead of finding that within ourselves, we look for it in the groups that we mingle in. As a result we require people to confirm to certain ways of being. This makes us undermine our own unique humanness we have gotten from birth.

It's a shame that we life such mediocre lives. Many in this world think that having money, a great job, cars, houses, friends to hang out with, income to go on vacations signifies that we are above mediocrity. We are sadly mistaken. All we have done is fall to the greater way of thinking by the society we live in. We are simply following the rules set by others. Then, how can such a life be exceptional. If we following the majority and the views of the majority then we are simply the "average". To be exceptional one needs to go above that.

To do it...one needs to acquire  something greater than what the combined society has to offer. The limited views of their friends, loved ones have to offer. We need to stand our own ground and find our own path. Even if that is uncomfortable, even if that is so vastly different from the rest of the crowd, we can be rest assured that we are doing something that is truly ours. We may make many mistakes on the way but they pave the way for new thinking and new ways of being. It's like a snake shedding it's old skin.

The Dhamma for me has taught me how to live. I feel that I have new tools and ways of being that I thought was not possible for me. It's hard to adapt to a new way of being over and over again. I am sure it's not easy for the snake to shed it's skin either. But without it, it would probably die. And so will we. If we cannot find a new way of being, we are good as the snake stuck inside it's old skin. But unfortunately, most of  us get too comfortable in our old skin, our old way of being because it's easier to do that. It requires less cognitive capacity to live a habitual life...it does not require change. Change is hard and we rather live the old way we know. Even if it's to our detriment. But the danger is we never see that is it harmful to our own well being.

I know people who do mean things, say mean things but they feel good for having done that. Little do they know that they are living inside a snake cave. Its only a matter of time the snakes bite them. But they live anyway oblivious to the dangers. This is a human way of being. We think just because we are inside a cave that we have shelter from dangers. But the very shelter we live in is the danger. But under the pretext of safety we put ourselves in danger over and over again. To me this is a great irony that we as humans put ourselves through. Why is it that beings with enormous brain capacity do these things to themselves?

That is because we don't know how to live life. A person who knows, will know the cave is a dangerous place and that it's required that they step out and find something else. While they do that, yes, they will be exposed....but it's better looking than being.