During the past week I have learnt many lessons about life and meditation. One of them is about being in the present moment. There is a lot of books written about the subject by those who are experts. What I am trying to do here is not to add to that but instead to write about my personal understandings.
Last week was a tumultuous week. Many things happened and most were not pleasant. These events created much emotional turmoil, worry and anxiety within my mind. It was not a happy place to be in. But I persisted with my meditation nevertheless. When you are so unhappy and full of anxiety and worry, it takes much space in your mind. There is little space for happiness. The energy is negative and entrapping, not freeing and free flowing. So my week was like that. I felt trapped. I need to find that light at the end of the tunnel but everything looked bleak and obscure.
On Tuesday morning, I had to run some errands. Before that I did my usual morning chores and my meditation. Then I washed and got dressed and went to run my errands. After coming home, I did my exercise and then went in to the shower. While I was showering I understood something. And that was that, all things in life that unfolds are events. They are simply events or episodes by themselves. But we attach a great deal of meaning and emotions to them. That makes us unable to stay in the present because there is much emotional baggage that is lying around or lurking around to be attended to. The present moment is very simple. I was showering. There is nothing fantastic about it or earth-shattering emotional experience. It was a simple activity. So there is little to think. So, the mind has nothing much to do. The mind needs to be occupied all the time. It needs to be occupied with interesting things. Whether they make us happy or unhappy, the mind sees them as things that can occupy its vast empty space. So it picks on them and attaches. Then its put on a scale, giving it values/meanings.
So the mind cannot stay in the present. Cause if it did, there is nothing much to do, no chattering to be had about anything. It's space, emptiness and peace. But we don't see this often enough to want to stay in it.
I realized that during my shower. I realized that all the drama that unfolded in the days previous were merely events/activities. I had weighed in on them and attached a great deal of emotional significance. Therefore, I could not get away from them. They keep coming back again and again wanting attention, wanting sorting out. This train of emotional thoughts generation connects the past, present and future. When its all connected I am overwhelmed. I feel that I have no way out. Of course I have no way out, because I want to stay in it, because its important to me. It's important than the simple present moment that I have where I get to do nothing but a simple activity which has no emotional significance unless I give it a name.
When I saw this I was amazed. But I realized that what I experienced was soon going to vanish and it did. I was back to my same old drama. But I was happy that I had a glimpse to something that I could possibly come back to again and again, just because I saw it for real once.
So today, after almost a week, I was meditating. I saw this same process unfolding in my meditation on breath. I cannot stay on the breath, because there is nothing much to do there. There is the breath and then there is the seeing of it. But its not that interesting as the vacation that is coming up, or all the worries of the past. So the mind goes to them, because there is so much emotional investment.
Since I had had this experience/understanding in the previous week, I decided to give my breath more importance. I gave it more emotional value. Along with that the mind stayed for much longer. Every time I entertained my thoughts my mind went to them and stayed in them. But when I realized this came back to my breath, giving it importance it stayed on.
I learnt a good lesson. It's like watering the weeds vs the flowers. I think I have heard Ajahn Brahm say this thousands of time but I probably never quite saw it like I did the last week.
Every time I go to my drama, I water them. Therefore they grow. Along with it, my peace vanishes, I get anxious, worrisome and unhappy. But when I start watering my breath, it starts to grow. It gets peaceful, happy and light. I was able to do this for a while. It was interesting.
I don't know whether I would be able to do this at will but I know now, what I need to do. After years of meditation, I feel as if I am still learning and dabbling in the basics. But I don't mind really. Every little bit helps. I hope this understanding will grow, until I am able to only water the flowers in the garden of my mind.
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