I have had a strained relationship with my in-laws for as long as I have known them. It's been hard. I used to think I was the only one having that hard time but as time went on and I grew and learnt, I realized that I cannot possibly be the only one. As long as there are two sides, the problem and the pain associated belong to both sides. So does the solution, I used to think. But I have learnt differently since.
I have learnt that a problem can be created by one person solely due his or her responses to a particular event, situation and people. I have also learnt that these problems usually tend to get spread around. It's like a net being cast in the ocean. It not only catches the fish its meant for, but also the fish they don't want and other debris. A person who has a problems, due to their misery, anger and many other emotions, tend to cast a net around them and it catches people. I have learnt that we get caught in them, because of our lack of awareness and lack of skillfulness in our own responses. Therefore, I have also learnt that a solution can be found all on your own. It does not have to involve everybody.
It's taken me many years. Agonizing, painful years to recognize these facts. It's taken me many angry moment filled with pure hatred and a need to seek revenge and bring hurt upon those who have hurt me. But I have to a great degree been able to shrug them off over the last 11 years. Today I feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years. I may not have that tomorrow. But I know I have that today.
I am writing this blog, so that I may share how I have come to this point.
As I said before, it's been hard, difficult and painful. I have experienced negative emotions that I never thought I had. But through them all I recognized that there is no room for blame. There is absolutely no room for being a victim. I recognized how easy it is to blame the other. For saying hurtful things, for showing that you are never good enough, for making others believe that you are the problem and for many others things. It's easy to say, "she is a mean person, they are bad" so on and on. I used to do that. But where did that leave me? I was fanning my own anger, hatred and the need to keep on hating.
I also recognized that it's easy to be the victim. The moment you put the blame on the other person, you immediately become their victim. Poor me! I was a "poor me" for just as long as I blamed them for my misery. I was the perfect victim of terrible in-laws who were hell bent on hurting their only daughter-in-law. As long as I remained the victim, I would not make an effort NOT to be a victim. Everything they said or did, made me more and more of a victim. And it was as if I were chained against my will. But I learnt that this too is what my mind made up in order to prevent me from taking responsibility for the things I do, and how I feel. As long as I was the victim, I could do equally mean things, and put the responsibility back at them and they were the reason that made me do these terrible things that I would not normally do.
I recognized that, those who hurt others, are people who are in deep hurt themselves. It's difficult to make others unhappy, if you are a happy person. Only unhappy people make others unhappy. I learnt that I too was that unhappy person. Yes, of course my in-laws were unhappy as well. But that was no longer my responsibility. My responsibility was that I was allowing myself to get unhappy. As a result I was spreading my own unhappiness on to others.
I recognized that I, only I am responsible for how I feel. It's a very difficult truth to come to terms with. I don't think I still fully comprehend the depth of it. But I know vaguely that I am responsible for it and as long as I am blaming someone or being someones victim, I allow them to play me, so to speak.
I recognized how exhausted I felt because of all these things. It's like an emotional roller coaster ride. Emotional roller coaster rides are not pleasant at all. They take you from one moment of joy to another moments misery. One moments peace and love to another moments flaming anger. It take a toll on you after a while. I think somewhere during my time, I started seeing the ride. The ups-and-downs. The toll it took on me and my emotional make up. I was like a prisoner of my own thoughts. I did not like that. I always sought freedom and I seemed to be doing the opposite.
I recognized that I no longer need to be a prisoner of my own thoughts and emotions. I also recognized that I don't always have to believe in my own thoughts, especially if they lead me down a miserable road. I realized that my thoughts and emotions are like the clouds. They appear and then they disappear. They never stay long enough or with the same shape to give itself meaning. I realized that my game of victim and blaming, made me want to give these fleeting thoughts and emotions a great meaning. It felt right. It was justified. From all angles it was right and that is how things work normally, perhaps. But somewhere down the road, I realized this need to hold on to these fleeting things is the reason why I ride these constant emotional rides. Does not matter how they are triggered; does not matter who triggered them; does not matter whether there is logic to it or not (and usually there is plenty of logic), I do not need to take ownership of them.
It's hard to do this. Not to take ownership of my thoughts and emotions. Because you begin to wonder what to believe in anymore. Are you supposed to doubt yourself? Actually, the only rule that I use these days is that, if my thoughts and emotions no matter how right or justified I feel they are, if they make me even the slightest bit uneasy or negative, then they cannot be justified. How can I justify making myself feel unhappy?
Learning all of this took me a long time and much time with myself, looking within and questioning and investigating. I feel the clouds parting. But I also know it's also going to be fleeting. But the fact that I feel this sense of freedom and ease, has to be right. If I feel at peace what more could I possibly want for myself. Then by that truth alone, what has brought me to this point must be a good thing. That means not being a victim, blaming others, needing to give justification to my thoughts and emotions are not necessarily good things.
That means I have to change how I live my life. That means I have to change the map with which I live my life or have lived it thus far. It's hard doing it. It's almost like going back to basics and starting all over. It feels as if I am walking towards the unknown. I feel scared. I feel worried that I might take a bad stumble along the way. But I'm not sure whether I should continue live and think the way I used to either.
So I have learnt that you need to constantly unlearn and relearn. It's hard when you are closing in on your 40s. But I also feel that there is no other choice. I mean I can chose to live caught up in my thoughts and emotions, blaming others, being victimized or I can chose to move on into the light, into that sense of ease. I think I like that sense of ease much better. I am happier that way.
I have been very fortunate to have had the support of some of the most wisest of people during the last 11 years of my life. I could not be here if not for them. They have been like pillars and net of support from time to time. They have allowed me to lean on them when I needed to and allowed to me to fall on them when I needed to also. I must believe that I will continue to have that no matter where I go, so that I may push through my fears and self doubts. If not the path is a hard one and a lonely one. So I dedicate the last 11 years of my life to them. I also hope that in writing this and publishing this, would allow someone to make this experience a supportive pillar and a net too.
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