Locked down

We've been in lock down for almost 8 weeks now. We don't have much to complain about, yet. We are fine so far...so are our families and friends. We haven't lost jobs or lost loved ones as a result of the pandemic. We haven't had the need to run to a food bank or a hospital, yet. So as far as we are concerned we are fine. I am not one to complain about being at home anyways. 

But I cannot say the same for others. More than 65000 people have died and over a million has been sick in this country. That's not good. Its crazy that we have been brought to our knees by an unseen virus. We have no answers yet other than to maintain physical separation to reduce the spread and hope that if you contract it, you will not be seriously sick or worse die. 

In a world where we give so much importance to technology, money, power suddenly we have no answers other than to stay put and hope for the best. Nature is powerful. If anyone doubted that in the past, I hope they think twice now. If anyone felt that they had power over nature and natural elements, I hope they think twice about it. Its also ironic that at the sometime price of oil tank like never before. In fact at one point it was in the negative. 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at time. I am a deeply spiritual person and have long recognized the power of nature and our own limits when it comes to controlling the elements within and outside of ourselves. I am happy to abide by them and respect them. It's not a weakness...I don't have that attitude. It's an acceptance of the inevitable. I don't feel powerless as a result of a victim....it's opposite.

I feel empowered in the knowledge that I am part of something greater than myself. That there are powers that are beyond my control, no matter my feelings about them maybe. That I am subjected to those no matter what I feel about them, the timing of them. That includes sickness and death. Sickness, aging, death are part of nature and therefore an integral part of our human existence. I don't profess to understand the gamut of it or to have come to its acceptance. But I know it to be an inevitability. Just that understanding alone brings me a sense of peace. 

This time has been pretty challenge for most to say the least. But for us, it's been somewhat less because of our spiritual inclinations. We have been lucky to have spiritual teachers in our lives at this difficult time. They have continued to touch our lives, deepen our appreciation for the fragility of life, change our perspective and attitudes to make it easier on ourselves and help us fine gratitude for all that we have rather than NOT have. They have also over the years helped us find deep and meaningful solitude. We are not sacred of solitude. Being alone isn't a problem for us. Not being connected isn't a problem for us. This is because we have a different perspective towards 'being lone' and 'connectedness or lack of it.'

If there is anything that has stood true during this time is that understanding. None of us has to got stir crazy. A new word to my vocabulary. I didn't know what it was until someone told me/us. 

Being by ourselves doesn't have to be a painful experience. The reason that it is because we don't know how to and we haven't had the necessary practice for it. From the time we are born we are constantly surrounded by people and stuff.....this is a distraction. A distraction from being with ourselves. It's not a skill we are are born with. If it were there won't the word 'stir-crazy;. Also nothing able to socialize with others doesn't diminish our connectedness in anyways. I see socializing as another form of distraction for the most part. I am sure some of you will disagree with me vehemently. That's ok. But between you and I, you are the one who is going 'stir crazy' so perhaps you should just try it. If we understand that no matter where we are, we are always connected is a great feeling I have trained myself in. Feelings of love, care, empathy aren't things that we need from outside to inside to nourish us. They are qualities and stated of mind that (whether you believe or not) that comes first from within and then translates to the outside world. 

In world where we have placed so much on the outside, we have lost sight of the precious universe that lives within us. It can nourish us with love, companionship, empathy, kindness if we connect to it...that connectedness is what is creating the difficulties for most people. We are not connected within so we feel lost and isolated. If we find a way to make that connection whether we are with a group of people or alone we will always feel a sense of connection. At least to some degree.

I do hope people learn during this time and not just waste time complaining of what they can't have or don't have. Or worse wait in hope for a future that may or may not arrive. The time is now. Otherwise all the suffering that we have had to endure would be in vain. It'll only be a matter of time such a situation, and I am not talking about pandemics, would drive you crazy (perhaps not stir-crazy) and you'd be back to grumbling and complaining yet again, wishing for things to go away or hoping for a better day.

In the blink of an eye

Things change in the blink of an eye. It as simple as that and yet we live like things will continue and sustain themselves forever. We live like we will live forever. We forgot how fragile life is. If this corona pandemic has reminded me again and again is the changing nature of things and of our lives and its inherent fragility. In some ways its comforting but its also discomforting at the sometime. Ironic!

This was the first year didn't have plans for a major vacation. Each year over the past decade or so, we've travelled to different places on earth far and wide. It's just been great. We have done China, Scandinavia, Iceland, Africa, South America, Australia, parts of Asia....but for some reason this was the year we were going to take it easy. Cause as fun as it may sound, traveling can be tiring. So we decided to go back home to Sri Lanka, where we were born and raised. So in January we booked for travel in March. Little did we know. By mid March we had cancelled all our plans because of the pandemic. And now we've been at home in isolation for just over a month. 

But my story is actually isn't a good description of how things change in the blink of an eye. To me what's happening around us is. My training had to be cancelled. My piano lessons had to go online within a week. We had to get used to a new way of living in a hurry. But that's the least of the problems. I think of (as of today) almost 23000 families that lost a loved one. People who are in ICUs waiting to be able to live normal again. All the workers in healthcare and other essential services, who have to go into work everyday knowing that are risking it all. So many millions of people out of work..there livelihoods gone in the blink of an eye. This was a great year for the markets..record highs and then it fell like a wave falling back to the ocean. Who would have thought? No one did..yet it happened. Job numbers were high as the skies and then it was gone. Airline industry was making record profits and then it was grounded....things just stopped.... in the blink of an eye.

Life changes so fast...but we don't notice and for the first time we are forced to take note. It's happening so fast and for long enough and in vast numbers and all around the globe at the same time  that we are forced to stop and look. I hope we do that instead of turning a blind eye and getting on with our little lives. I hope people stop to notice that even if it isn't to you or your loved ones its someone else's and the pain is no different to than if you had to go through it yourselves. I hope we find perspective, compassion, empathy in this very difficult time.

I have yet known anyone close to me who is sick or have died. But the operative word here is 'yet'. There are no certainties....how can there be? We got to be real stupid, or be in a la la land for not to feel that way...at least I think that way. Its insane. I have never experienced or lived through a situation like in my 45 years. I have lived-in a country that was ravaged with a civil war for most of my childhood. But never were we restricted to a house. But this isn't a war...at least not in the sense of have come to known wars. But yet it feels like one. It feels like one way war...where nature has decided to raise itself in defense, perhaps, maybe....but I feel She has finally decided enough is enough. And we have no defense for he first time. All the money, all the weapons, all the brains and technology in the world, hasn't been able to fight it. We have been pushed into our homes and locked down.

Things change in a hurry. I bet this too will change at some point and life will go back to normal, whatever that normal maybe at such a time. But I hope and sincerely hope we will not forget the lessons that this pandemic I believe is here to teach us. For if we d we will only leave ourselves vulnerable and open such incidents in the future. What is it that I have learnt? This is personal but this is what I have learnt so far. 

That life and nature is precious. Each one of us including all other beings are lives that yearn to live. No one wants to die but we do. No one wants to be sick but we do. No one wants to have their lives altered in drastic ways but it does. So we have to live in a more wholesome way. Its not enough that we find compassion, empathy, love, generosity when things go wrong...it's good that we can summon it at somepoint but it's no enough. We can't wait for things to wrong, people to get sick, people to lose jobs, people to die before we summon the better angels in ourselves. We have to do it everyday. And it doesn't have to be big. Sometimes we get these things wrong. We want to go big, do big...actually that's not necessary. Life doesn't happen as "big bangs' most of time. Life happens in moments. Life happens in each breath. But we are so distracted and busy that we cannot see it. So we need tone simple and live simply and life closer to those truths than what we want to believe in. We need to align ourselves to the pattern and rhythms of nature. We need to learn respect it and learn that we cannot control it all. We will try to and sometimes we might be successful but that is no indication that we are able to do that all the time. We also need to change ourselves continuously. We are such creatures of habit and in that we have created our own sufferings. Over the weekend which was Easter, so many people were unhappy that they couldn't attend church. If God is omnipresent then he/she can be wherever you are...doesn't have to be in a church with a congregation. Whats wrong with looking at things differently and doing things differently? In wanting to stick to things just because that's the way we've done it for years does't mean that we have to continue that way any longer....we need to be able to change and adapt because it's required of us every single day. But we don't notice and we don't have time to make the adjustments. 

To me these are some of the lessons and I hope that at a time we are back to normal that they stick with me. I hope people learn for themselves some of these lessons if not more....I hope for a better, a more wholesome being emerges from these dark and difficult time.

2020

It April 7th of 2020. We are in the midst of the Coronavirus Pandemic. It's insane. I cannot remember a time when we've had so much tragedy and destruction of life in such a short time. We have been under stay-at-home order since middle of March and expect it to last until end of April, at least. But that's the least of my problem.

This year was off to a terrible start I thought in late January. The US and Iran got into a near war with missiles flying all over. And just we were beginning to think "thank goodness no people were killed',  a missile mistakenly took down a civilian plane killing nearly 300 people. I remember feeling utter sadness at this. People, innocent people died just because everyone was on the edge. 

Then came the bush fires in Australia. What devastation of nature and life and wildlife. Then came the bush fires in California. I mean, it seems the Mother Nature was not happy with us. Just as we thought things were calming down, hit the pandemic.

In February along we knew it was in China. But little did we think we'd be locked inside in our houses for weeks on end....but that is the least of the pain. So many people have died during the last three months almost 100000. Can you imagine? Almost one hundred thousand lives lost for a virus.....100000 families lives changed forever and it continues.

The virus seem to put all before that into pale in comparison. There are no words to describe how shocking it is. People dying like flies. They say its mostly older people and those with underlying health conditions. But does that matter if it were you or a member of your family? I don't think so.

I have been wanting to write for a while...but there is so much going on that I waited...now what's happening it beyond what words can capture be it the suffering, loss of life, changes in life as we know it feels like its beyond my ability to capture them into blogs. Yet I have my own takes on each of them...so I will write as I always do how I feel about things happening around me.....I hope to someday look back and read them so that I may have perspective on things 

Good Enough

I am a perfectionist. I am sure it's not just my assessment. I do like things to look perfect. I strive for perfection as much as possible in all that I do. I think I was like that as a child. Well mainly about school work and making my parents happy. They never expected it but I was happy when they were and made it a point to keep it that way. I guess I have been like that all of my life until a few years ago.

It's not that I started becoming a less of a perfectionist because of the toll it took on me. It was that life forced me to be and accept less perfection. I have chronic pain. It started as only headaches. Then it became constant. Then the shoulder and neck pain kicked in. Then the knees got a bit wobbly. Then tinnitus started and recently my sciatica issues started. 

Over the years Iv'e had to adjust my life and how and what I saw as perfection. I no longer could do things the way I once used and to the way I once did. I used to love cleaning my house. It was something I took pride in; to have a beautiful place spick and span, floors gleaming and everything in place and organized. But with time I realized I could no longer do it. I had too much neck pain and shoulder pain and my knees could no longer support me as and when I wanted them to. So I had to adjust. I first adjusted to doing less at once, spreading things apart so I don't exhaust myself in one go. But then with time even that got difficult. It didn't matter if I had time in-between cleaning, all other activities started to weigh in on me. So then we decided to have cleaners come in twice a week. It was not easy I can say. People don't clean the way you want them to. So I had to adjust my idea of what cleaning should be like. At least they cleaned the entire house in one go, which I couldn't do. Also they cleaned things that I never used to do. So why the big fuss. But because they came every other week I would resort to an in-between clean from time to time. But over the last year or so I have learnt to be ok with no cleaning between the cleaners visits. It's not easy for me. It's certainly not easy to cook leave stove top uncleaned over the weekend so that they would do it. But I have had to learn to do this. I have had to learn to say 'good enough'. 

I used to meditate everyday. I used enjoy the total silence that envelops you in meditation. But when the tinnitus kicked in, I felt like life robbed me of something so precious; my silence. It was incredibly hard to to cope with the constant noise in your ears/head. It took me almost 4 months to come to terms with it and stop wishing I were dead. Then I learn to meditate with it. With the noise filling up my meditative space. Then with time I learnt to be ok with and then with more time and as meditation progressed I realized the noise vanishes its own for the duration of my meditation. So once what was perfect was no longer and I had to learn to be ok with it. I had to learn to say 'good enough'.

With constant pain, I can no longer do things at the pace that I once used to. So I have to pace myself and what I do during the course of a day. It must sound insane to you. I am only 44 years old and I feel like I am in a body of a 80 year old. I am constantly having to resent my expectations of myself and body. I am constantly having to resent my head and emotions. I've been pretty sad lately. Mostly because of the pain and toll it's taking on my daily life. 

I feel like this is not how it should be. I feel like I am too young to to be 'not able'. I am no longer perfect...I never was but for some reasons I feel I am less than I am supposed to be. This is a hard bullet to take. I feel miserable and inadequate. I compare myself to others and feel that they do so much and I cane barely move a finger without hurting. I know there are people who are worse than I am. I have told myself that and have been able to move and adjust and go forward. But now I feel like I have reached a point where I cannot do that. At least that's how I feel now. I am sure I will be able to at some point. I really hope so. I mean I have always come through but this feel like a new low that I am unable to navigate myself in and out.

It is also frustrating to always having to say 'this is good enough'. I feel like I Have done that for so long. Perhaps this is the best. The 'good enough' is the best. I don't know. I don't feel like it. How can I say to myself 'this is good enough' when I am in pain and I cannot do things and function normal? I don't know how. 

So I feel like I am at cross roads or even back to square one feel. It's very frustrating and I feel incredibly sad. I don't know how to deal with myself and m emotions. It's like a cyclone and I feel like I am spinning out of control. Saying this is how it ought to be or 'good enough' is something I cannot do right now. It's not good enough right now for me. 

Pain

I have chronic pain. Its not just in one area of the body but in many. It comes and goes. But lately it seem to come and stay. It's been a tough 2 months and its only seem to getting worse. Pain is never easy. Physical or otherwise. I am sure all of you would have felt both at least once in your lives. Its no wonder to me that pain medicine is called "pain killers". Ironically pain feels like it's killing you a little bit at a time. 

To me what has become unbearable is the fact that it seems to drown me now. Before one thing stops another begins. So over the last few months I have had pain almost every day in one more more parts of my body. Some days I have managed to withstand and other like the last few days I have lost it.

Usually I am able to put things perspective and change how I feel by looking at what I go through, experience differently. I usually recognize that there people in this world at any given moment in time feel pain. Some most likely a whole lot more than I do. Some probably feel not just physical but mental agony. I also remind myself that there are people, who may have all that and have to suffer from hunger, thirst, loneliness and may others. So I have been able to keep my feelings from overwhelming me by recognizing that I need to put my pain in perspective. But over the last couple of weeks, I seem to be unable to do that. 

I feel like I am drowning and there is no shore in sight. I feel so much despair and sadness in my heart that I don't know if my pain is partly aggravated by my mental suffering. Either ways it's not a good place right now to be in. I have been prescribed many medications and injected and received and continue to receive physical therapy. But my body does not seem to want to respond. At least that's how it looks like right now. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself and how I feel. I cry quite a bit of the time. Sometimes I feel better after a cry, like today morning.

I have a meditation room at home. But I haven't sat for meditation for a while now. Mostly because of the pain. But today I went in and sat in front of the Buddha picture and cried my eyes out. I know He is not here to hear me or see me or help me out. But I feel His strength is out there. His kindness and compassion is still out there. Right now I don't feel any of it but I cried hoping for some of that in the universe to come and heal me and lift me up...at least a little. 

Buddha spoke of suffering as part of life....like being sick as I am now with pain. He said that one cannot do much about the suffering of the body. The body follows nature. One days its good and another day its bad. One day it's alive and another day its dead. SO the body follows nature. There is not much I or one can do about it. But He said that we can do something about the mental pain. This is where I am struggling now. My mental pain is like an arrow that is stuck in my mind. It's sticking and I feel like I have no control over it. But the Buddha said that this the only thing that I have control over. My feelings. Cause feelings come and go unless you look at it through aversion and greed. I suppose right now I am looking at it through aversion. SO I am angry on top of my physical pain. See the thing is it's easy to write that down but feeling it and allowing my mind to recognize it beyond me at the moment. 

I am sure this will pass at some point. I am about to go on holiday on an African safari. We've planned it for almost a year and now that it's only a few days away before I leave, I am struggling with pain. Life is an irony. It's sometimes cruel...or maybe that's just how it is. So today this is me. All messed up and sad and wondering what to, how to and when. I am planning to take a note book with me so I can write my thoughts down. Let's see how it goes. 

I hope I don't drown and suffocate. I hope that I come out of it strong. But thats a hope. Only time will tell how things span out. But I intend to hold what the Buddha said close to my heart. As unpleasant as it is right now, it has to end at some point. I just hope I can find a way not to wait. 

Life is Endurance

Strength of a life depends not on its length, health, gains, successes....it’s strength lies in its ability to endure. Wow!!

Endure through it’s ebbs and flows, hills and valleys, good and the bad, happiness and u happiness, successes and failures, tragedies, haeqrbreaks, triumphs, losses, gains all of it. Cause all that is life. No matter the situation,no matter who we are with, no matter how we feel and what we experience they all fall into any one of the buckets that wrote above and there are more. Actually let me correct that. The Buddha outlined them in his first sermon very clearly.

The reason why it seems hard, unfair, overwhelming is cause one cannot endure through it all. We don’t have enough cushioning around our hearts to endure through it all....isn’t that incredible?! Is this the answer to my questions earlier?! Maybe

Endurance can only be done through kindness and understanding for the suffering we all face including myself. Fighting, judging, anger is like fuel in a fire. It creates such a blaze and it burns everything down and that is not endurance. Endurance is more subtle and clam and gently and long lasting and time taking.

What is the meaning of life?

Almost 10 years ago I asked Ajahn Vayama what is the meaning of life. Her answer was so very simple. She said “it is to be a bit more beautiful each day”. I don’t think I understood her answer and 10 years later I am unsure that I do so either. 

I have tried to give my best and be my best as much as I can. I am sure we all do to the degree that is possible. But yet there is no end to it. When I say an end it it I mean there is never a quietening of the noise that’s constantly present. It’s like a roaring thundering fall. Is that what life is? A constant roaring thundering waterfall? Or does it have those times when it’s quiet and slow and gentle?

As I’m typing this I find answer to my own question. Yes it has all. Like the mighty Victoria falls has its peaks and lows so does life. Then why am I feel unease, maybe even confused or perhaps I am tightened?! Of what I ask? I wonder

Am I scare of the roaring thunderous flow of life? Or is it the never ending seasons of highs and lows. Why do u seem to struggle with it? What am I not seeing over and over agin?

There are times it feels so overwhelming and today feels like that for whatever the reason. I am 35000 feet above ground on a plane flying from Florida to Chicago and I am in pain? Confusion? Fear? Or perhaps a a mixture of all of that?! And I don’t know why...

Maybe I will never know or maybe it’s not to be figured. Maybe it’s this flux that I have to learn to comfortable with?!...the very thing that puts me at dis-lease over and over again. I don’t know how....

Every time I get on a plane it makes me think of life. At some level I relate a plane journey to life journey. Once you are onboard you are in for the ride no matter what. It might be smooth, it might be turbulent, it might be short or long or comfortable or uncomfortable...nevertheless you are in it and you move forward.

Somehow I see life to be like that. You have to move forward and onwards. I find that in life exhausting at times. I find plane journeys exhausting at times too. What do I do? How do I respond to it? I don’t seem to have an answer....somehow that is scary?! Is that what I feel?!

Is it the not knowing and not knowing how to respond or how to face things that’s making it all so overwhelming?! I wonder...I think there is some truth there. What am I scare of? The finalities, what ifs, how tos....what’s the point anyways...don’t things happen whether you like them or not or whether you want them or not? So then why worry?

I remember Ajahn Brahm saying no matter what you can be kind. Am I lacking in that department? Don’t I have the cushioning to withstand the bumps of the ride of life? Is that it? Or is it that I don’t have sufficient understanding? Or perhaps it’s a mixture of both?! Or is it my wanting to control? Is it my controlling nature that’s pushing me and egging me to have these fears because I cannot control enough or long enough to make things as smooth as I want it to me. Or am I controlling because I don’t have the understanding and the kindness to withstand and face me accept all that is different and changing...the ebbs and flows? The constant flux of life...

I hope for clarification. I yearn for clarification or some form of illumination within me....