Politically Correct or hiding from the truth?

I feel that we live in a world that is becoming too politically correct. That's how I feel. I don't mean that we have to be mean and nasty to one another in how we use language; by all means we must be polite and show great sensitivity and care when we talk to and about one another. But I fear that at some point we will not be able to open our mouths and say anything without being criticized or condemned as being offensive to someone or group. I think that's ridiculous. 

I don't disagree that people have used language to marginalize and discriminate against people and groups. I do believe we have to have sensitivity and care in our use of the language but our approach to the use of language comes from many aspects of our lives and our experiences, our prejudices and biases, up bringing and even times we live in. Without paying attention to these factors and how they contribute towards shaping of our use of language, it's difficult to understand why someone might say things the way they say. 

I have lived in many countries. I was brought up in a South Asian culture, studied in an European country and lived in two North American countries. Each has their own way of using language and also just because it's considered politically incorrect in one country does not mean that it is in another. So we have to give ourselves a little room. Living in America currently feels like it's going through identity crisis. I lived in Canada before and before that in the UK. I'd say the English are pretty good at being politically correct but yet they have puns and wit that in some ways scratch at being totally politically correct. The Canadians are pretty good at being politically correct but sometimes nothing gets done. Cause everyone is concerned about making everyone happy and at ease. Sometimes it's so annoying that you cannot call a spade a spade. So there is waste of time and resources trying to be nice. I used to think Americans were pretty forward and expressive. But now that is being debated....

I mean there has to be a better way...a middle way of being able to say what you have to say but also do in a way that shows some sensitivity but also not so much as to lose the message. I mean I once worked with this student who had a bad attitude. She wasn't good at reading and therefore had a hard time doing her math. I recognized that after a couple of sessions with her. But what made things worse was her attitude. Perhaps she knew she was lagging behind but she was a difficult student. So after a few weeks I raised that with her tutors. Their response was to affirm what I had felt. But for some reason their way of addressing this issue was to make her a leader to a group of younger students to help her build her self esteem. It did not seem that they spoke to her about her struggles. Her attitude got worse as time went on and I refused to work with her at the end. 

To me it seemed crazy to not address the issue head on. I mean what's wrong with that. If someone is struggling isn't it because they don't know what's happening? Or may be they but they don't know what to do about it? This girls was only 7 years old. I think this was an opportunity missed.

Being politically correct shouldn't mean that we fail to address what needs to be addressed and tell what needs to be told. For heaven's sake what if the doctors don't tell us that we have cancer or we are dying...instead sugar coat it to make us feel better in our heads...then one fine day we get worse and we realize that we are about to go and there is a truck load of unfinished business. Think about the flip side too...

Today I saw on a FB post a thing called an "Up Syndrome". I was curious. So I read through the post. It was written by a mother who has had a baby with downs syndrome. But apparently now its called Up Syndrome...apparently it's feels not very good to to call it "DOWN' so now they call it "UP'. I felt that was a joke. I mean who are we trying to fool...ourselves? the child? the society? Or are we to lessen the hurt, the fear or the insecurity of having a child with 'Downs Syndrome". Is it going to take way the mental and physical challenges that life will pose on that child and it's caretakers? I don't get it..I really didn't think it was a good thing.

In some ways it's same with death. We now call funerals 'celebrations' and death as 'passing'. Why can't we use the proper term for it? What do we have lose? Or are we scared to face the truth? Are we sacred to face our own fears and inability to face the reality of things? I ask that in terms of all other stories I wrote here. 

Somewhere we need to stop this ridiculous way of being. I think deep down there is a fear and an inability accept these challenges of life that we face from time to time. I think our way of trying to lessen the sting is to give it a positive twist. It's like doing plastic surgery or botox. For a while, we might look good on the outside...but is that going to stop or slow the aging process? No. Then one fine day we look ourselves in the mirror and won't even recognize ourselves...because there will come the day when we won't be able to keep up with the surgeries and the injections and we will look deformed. 

Instead what's wrong with calling it what it is..yes it might hurt and it might not feel good. But learn to recognize that. Find away to work with yourselves to ease the pain in our heart and mind. The constant yapping that makes you want to change things from what they are, the nagging feeling that somehow things should be different. Sometimes no matter how much we fluff the terminology, it will not take away the pain and the hurt and the inadequacies that come along with it. It will not stop you from going to dark parts of your mind. 

I remember in Harry Potter, everyone was calling Voldemort  "He Who Must Not Be Named"...when Harry says the actual name they hush him. But Professor Dumbledore, I think it was, says that not uttering what you fear increases the fear of it even further. I think there is great wisdom in that. Then as the fear increases you are unable to do much about it. Its the fear that will rule you. So I think we owe it to ourselves to look at how we use language. Are we using it to runaway from difficult and challenging situations? Why do we need to sugar coat things? Is it for whose benefit? Ours or others? I think there has to be this kind of scrutiny...if not we are going to grope in the dark for long periods of time. That would be a sad thing. If we don't scrutiny these patterns we will also increase our chances of becoming mentally imbalanced...a world where we don't know what is and what is not. What is sad is that at some point we won't need anyone else to do that to us it will be done by ourselves. 

The Dhamma is a way out of the peril....dhamma invites and encourages one to look at things the way they are and find ways to accept them. Accepting doesn't mean being passive. In fact it is one of the most active states I have experienced. Acceptance as I know now, is not a 'Choice-less' activity. In fact you fully exert your right to have a choice. It also comes with great understanding and kindness instead of rejection or denial. When these things come together no matter how challenging the situation is or circumstances are we find a way. A way to see the ugly as ugly, the unpleasant as unpleasant, sad as sad, death as death, sickness as sickness, stupidity as stupidity. Instead of this making us feel helpless or vulnerable and victimized, this acceptance will make us feel empowered, we will find a sense of peace and security.  

I think we mustn't use language as a curtain to hide behind our challenges. It shouldn't be used as a means to lessen the sting. Because language is an external thing for most of us (at least that who we might perceive..away to communicate with the outside world). But we also use language internally. It is the same way we talk to ourselves. So why train ourselves to sugar coat things? If we do it externally there will come a day when we will sugar coat things internally. The results will be a disconnect with reality. No matter how much we sugar coat reality, it will still remain reality and we will have to face the brunt of it. Then what? Use drugs to escape reality? 

I think it's time we took a good look at ourselves and how we shape the world we live in...especially for the young ones. 

Born Free

Its been almost two months into the year of 2019. Seems like time passes away pretty fast....maybe I am getting old...or perhaps life is too busy and hectic. Either way time moves fast...

For about a month I've been watching BBC America and some of its wildlife shows. The one that I watched most recently was the Dynasties series. It was very interesting. It had four episodes each one following a different group of animals from a different part of the world over a period of time...long enough to see their changing dynamics, power struggles, life as it unfolds in real time. One was about tigers in India, another about Chimps in Africa, Painted Wolves was another one followed by Emperor penguins in Antarctica. It was one of the most fascinating series I've ever seen. I love wildlife and so does my husband. We've watched many over the years but this made us think deeply about how alike we are...humans and animals. 

The world seem to be increasingly becoming divided...countries, nationalities, races, religions but we forget despite all of these differences we are connected and are similar in so many ways that it is very unfortunate that we've become so segregated. It was even more so obvious when watching these groups of animals live, create their families and even die. 

As humans we all want to be loved, be free, have security, food, families....so do animals. They may not be able to tell that in words like we do or fight for their freedom like we do or protect their families like we do, but boy do they try. I cannot imagine anyone thinking or believing that animals are somehow lesser beings than us. That someone they don't feel. I just don't get a human who cannot feel for another being...no matter what shape or size or species it belongs to. 

It was heartbreaking to watch a pack of pained wolves moaning for the young ones that were killed by hyenas. It was even more hard to hear that when the female who was leading the pack for years left the pack to die in the lion territory but she was not alone because her partner too stayed with her. They both died. Can you believe that such loyalties exist in the animal realm? Perhaps  it is not their active choice but a long suppressed desire to stay with those you have strong bonds to the end...what we call an instinct. It was amazing to see the Emperors bring up their littles ones. A mother and a father putting themselves at great risk to protect and hatch an egg. To bring a youngling to independence. Don't we do that with out own children? Just because they don't feel like we do and perhaps are able to articulate why and how their do things and feel does not mean they don't in some archaic way feel the pain, sorrow and fear and at the sometime joy and freedom. 

We are truly born free.....free from the shackles of others. Perhaps we are born into our own shackles but certainly not of others...but as we grow and move in groups, humans and animals like for the most part, there is an interplay that is good, loving and protective but at the same time scary and fearful and destructive. I saw that in these creatures watching this series. I also know that from my own experience and that of other humans, that we too go through these phases. Whether we want to accept these things as common is up to us but the reality of that these things exist is undeniable. 

I think to cherish life is to cherish all living beings. No matter who they are, what they are. To believe in the sanctity of life is to believe that it applies to all creatures. I am so confused who humans create so much separation and that we put blinkers that make us stupid and see only one side of the story. 

Living an awakened life

Last night Sen. John Mccain died. I remember him well because he ran for president against Barack Obama. It was amazing to see him stand up to a supporter at a town hall meeting during his campaign and defend his opponent, when she (the supporter) said Obama was an Arab. His speech at the end calling his supporters to embrace Obama as their President was admirable. I think the US has depended on such decency from their politicians and to some degree had taken it for granted. I think we as humans depend on basic human decency towards one another. If not towards others, we expect that one would hold oneself with decency and honor, just because.

But we live in times when decency and honor are just feel good words. They are quickly becoming things of the past. At least it seems that way to me. I am not only talking about US politics or politics in the world of any kind. I am talking about how we are losing such core qualities that make us rise above ourselves to something greater. It happens in every strata of life and society and institution. We hear how Catholic priests have abused thousands of children and how they have continued to go on being members of the clergy and how such individuals have been protected by other members of the clergy. We hear about corporate executives putting their need to fill the pockets at the expense of the their customers financial well-being. We hear much these days about how basic human decency and honor is put on the back burner where money, fame, power is concerned. 

It is easy to look at what others do and don't do and engage in blame and criticism. I think this is part of the problem. We somehow think that we are separate from those we think live without decency and honor. But instead we ought to take long hard look at ourselves and how we live our lives and what we propagate and if our lives are lived with decency and honor. 

It's hard to switch on the TV and not see constant criticism of Donald Trump and his behavior. Yes of course he is all that and perhaps more. I don't know him personally so I cannot speak about him. But what I see is constant criticism of the guy. Now maybe he is all that....but the fact that we somehow see that he is separate from us is a funny thing to me. I mean after all, almost half the people who voted, elected him as the President right? And while the other half might taken their hands off and say they did not elect him, I think they are just as responsible for electing him as those who voted. Then what about those who never even voted?! It's like watching a crime scene unfold. If you watch someone shoot someone and you didn't try to stop it...then you are just as responsible. May not be in the legal system but morally you are just as responsible cause you did nothing about it. Now their maybe valid reasons but the fact is that you did nothing. 

In Buddhas teachings, the five basic precepts (basic rules to live by) that we lay people (householders) are recommended to observe have two aspects to it. One is abstaining from breaking the precept but also proactively protecting it. For example, the second precept is not stealing but that is only not breaking it. The protecting part is not taking what is not given. It's much more that just not breaking it. But in this day and age people seem to just care about protecting their backsides, be it the political situation or working in the corporate world or even within families. We just scrape by so that our backs are not sitting on the fire. Or so that we don't have face the blame. We don't care about others, or we don't care that in protecting our own backsides we may have subjected another to it. We just don't seem to have much of that in us these days. And I am not saying that everyone is like this but I see enough to know that this is happening quite frequently.

The unfortunate part is not the happening of such things because it's happened for a millennia...but what is most disturbing is that some of us choose to sit on the side and cheer it or worse turn a blind eye to it. Somehow somewhere we have missed the fact that being silent can be just as bad as cheering on. It is evident in the political scene in the US. Where members of the senate, congress and all levels of government feel that being silent is OK. Or they do it for their political gain in the future. I think it's atrocious that someone like Paul Ryan can say as little as he does or nothing at all, and think he is not part of the problem and that some day he can run for president. Come on man...give me a break. But the fact is that they do it, because they believe that is it possible. Which also means that the electorate is also going to make is possible. So it goes round and round in a circle. 

It is a shame what we as humans would like to think that we stand apart from all other being because of our ability to call to a higher purpose. I think each one of us, as politicians, corporate executives, clergy, mothers, father, grandparents, friends, enemies, need to recognize that each one of us individually must call upon that higher purpose. It's not good enough to wait for a mother Theresa or a Ghandi to come our way to waken us up to a higher purpose. We each one of us must waken ourselves to that. 

Yesterday I was at a meditation retreat. The teachers said that we don't want to wake ourselves up to the realities. Either because we don't want to or because we think that being in our self induced coma is a better way to live and die. I think it was very relevant that he made that comment. For the most part, all of us life our lives in a routines. Just going through the motions and thinking that is the way to love. I assure you no matter how good that feels, it is no way to live. There is little purpose to such a life. There is no awakening of the human spirit in such a life. We are numbed to most of it and conditioned to be numbed by the rest. 

I hope we wake up. We wake up to the realities of our times - good and bad. Hope we, each of us, wake up to the potential and the goodness that lie in us. Hope we wake up to the fact that we are similar than different. That we, no matter how different we are, want only the best for ourselves and would not want that taken away from us. That we want to be loved, respected and kindness. If we can do that, and not get selfish or high-minded or victimized by our circumstances, perhaps their might be that day the collective goodness can gather enough strength to shift the world into a more awakened state. If not, at least, those who put in the effort for themselves, will find peace in their awakening. 

Humans - An Endangered Species

In the Sinhalese language 'human' is called a "Manussa'. Its a combination of two words: Mana and Ussa. The meanings being 'Mana" (mind) and "Ussa' (high). Basically a being with a higher mind. I remember my mother telling this to me. I don't remember when and where but I have never forgotten this. It was very appealing to me. It sounded good and just and fitting.

But from that time to now I have grown and seen much, heard much and experienced much. I have had time to digest much as well and see it from many different angles. But today I felt sad. It has been coming on for a while now. I was sad at humans. What we seem to have become and are becoming. I feel disappointed and sad. I feel frustration and sometime anger. I feel these towards humans. 

Today it all came together in this news that I saw on Facebook where a group of 'human men' in Sri Lanka have captured a cheetah and clobbered it to death. There were pictures of this human men taking selfies with the innocent animal they have killed. I was aghast. Beyond words at seeing the news and the pictures. My heart was broken. The last few days I was also taunted by the news and sights of children being separated from their mothers in America. Thousands of children who were crossing the border with their mothers have been separated and taken in by the authorities (human men and women) and kept in foster homes, shelters and some even in cages. The sights and sounds of children crying for their mothers was and still is heart breaking. Yes their mothers may have broken the law by crossing the border illegally. But what are the American human men and women doing? Worse than breaking a law. It's breaking apart humanity itself.

These thoughts have simmered in my mind for a few days and when I saw the pictures of the clobbered animal I felt shame. I felt shame that we as humans have stooped to such low standards. I felt frustrated that increasingly these negative behaviors are escalating irrespective of country, ethnicity and religion. I felt helpless and hopeless. Helpless in the face of unimaginable pain that we humans inflict on others; humans and animals. Helpless because I don't know what to do, where to start. Hopeless, cause I feel the ebbing of the essence being human. 

If we are of the higher mind, I question then, how can we commit such crimes against our own kind and others? If we are of the higher mind, how can we condone such acts committed by other humans? It seems there are those who hold power, those who have money and influence seem to be by standers of these acts. That for them it's simply evening news that has "nothing to with us". 

It seems that the world is losing it's humans "the higher minded" kind. Perhaps we have the form of a human but the essence of it is being lost, destroyed, forgotten. It seems it's giving way to something that I cannot or don't want to know. A cross between an animal and that of a ghost realm, an evil realm. A new kind of being that lacks any sense of morality, goodness, shame and fear of doing wrong. Certainly this new species cannot be called 'human'. 

This is why I called the blog "Humans - An Endangered Species". Now we are not threatened by anyone else other then our own. It is we who are endangering humans. If a lions doesn't roar and kills and act like a lion would you call is a lion? If a cat starts roaring and killing would you call it a cat? If a dog doesn't wag its tail and bark would you call it a dog? I'm simply asking a question. In the same way if a human cannot empathize, show love, compassion, kindness and generosity of hear would you or can you call it a human? 

I have been very fortunate in my life to have had incredible associations. Wise teachers, friends who live up to the definition of 'human' or perhaps go beyond the term. So for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Even in my despair I can think of them, hear them and meet them and know that there is that bright light that still shines in this world. I know I am a good person. That I have light in myself. But what about those who don't have this? What about those of us that cannot see such humans who embody goodness and light? What about those of us who have little light in us (and there are those). What could possibly give them hope? A sense of there is light at the end of the darkness? What happens to them? There only exposure could be the negativities and unkindness of the humans. Would they only see darkness within and without? Would they feel hopeless and helpless and the only way out is to fight and flight?

These are hard choices. The Buddha said that good associations are all of our spiritual life. That good and timely associations can lead us out of darkness and into light. But what if that choice isn't present in peoples lives? Will they go from darkness and into further darkness? I question these. 

While I feel helpless in my ability to do much to alleviate the pain of many, I realize that I can be a light by being a good and virtuous person. As I was looking at myself and asking what can I do?, I realize that it is even more important for me to put forth more effort and energy into my practice. I realize even if it's just a smile, a kind word it's better than none. So I today made a determination - yes I may not be an activist or a spokesperson or part of a club that can reach those who need...but in my own way, I can make a difference. However small it's a difference towards light and goodness. 

Reflections on ageing, sickness and death

I remember when we first moved into our new home. It was beautiful. Walls had fresh paint. Wood was shining and without scratches. All appliances were brand new and never been used. Carpets were all fluffy. It had that fresh smell. It was new and wonderful. We've lived here for five years now and you can see the deterioration. While you may say a five year old house is still pretty new...I see it. The carpets are worn, ever so slightly. Appliances used. Wooden floors have scratches from the cat running around. We've had to repair a thing or two in the house. It's no longer new. 

I feel the same about my body. In fact I was meditating when I realized that my body is the house for the mind. That house is now 43 years old. Can't believe it? Where did the time go? Or how did the time go? My childhood, youth are mere memories. Some are captured in pictures but most aren't. I feel the ageing process in the body. More aches and pains. Lines starting to appear. Hair growing white. It's no longer new. 

Isn't it funny? Sometimes I feel it's a joke. 

We are born, then raised by our parents, we struggle the first few years learning to walk and talk. Then we go to school for about 10 years, acquiring new knowledge, a language or two, skills and then trying to pass exams so we can prove to the world and ourselves that we are good at it and have the good authority to move onto bigger and better things. Some of us might go to college. I certainly did. Some of us do even more schooling for more qualifications or a masters or a PhD. Then we find, hopefully, some meaningful work, fall in love, get married, have kids and grow old to only die and leave all that behind. 

My grandparents died when I was a teenager. Apart from knowing that they died I did not, at that time, had the power to reflect on the significance of these events. One of my uncles who was around 50 also died. It was the first death of a close family member. I remember feeling so very sad and breaking down in tears. But these events happened and I moved on. I wasn't able to reflect and understand the meaning it was trying to teach me, then. I sometimes wish I had but then again I may have been to young and immature for it. But now I am able to.

My parents are in their 70s now. They are old and now I am able to reflect on this process of life, living and dying. I am at the age my mom was when I was about 14 years of age. I remember her well. A memory of course. She had had my brother 3 years previously. Sometimes I wonder if she reflected about her own brothers death, or that of her parents. I don't think so. She says this is life and while these sad events, they happen to all and you just have to keep going.

Part of me agrees with her. But part of me doesn't. I realize these things happen. But for me, now I feel, there is much to be seen and understood and reflected upon. 

When I look at my parents I now feel the ageing process within me. It's been churning ever since I was born. But like my house, it (my body) was brand new and shiny. So the newness lingered. But like my five year old house, my body no longer has that newness. It feels used. There are the scratches. Damaged parts, that require some external intervention in order for it to be put back together. A couple of years back my father-in-law died. It was not an expected death, at least at the time he died. I will die soon just like he did. He was sick but died of other causes. Perhaps the things that my body give me grief, won't be the ones that kill me. I don't know. But I know I am sick more than I was before. Death does not seem too far off for me.

Some day I will have to leave this house. Just as I will have to leave my body. It's a temporary dwelling. Even if you live in the same house for 40-50 years there comes a time when you have to go. Either because the house is falling apart or because you are no longer alive. I see the same with my body. I will have to leave it. Either because it is no longer viable for occupancy or because my life span is completed. Either way it's only a matter of time. 

Hasn't that been the case all of my life? Even when I was young, the mere youth and it's activities, simply distracted me from seeing this truth/inevitability every step of the way. When I ask my mother about these things, she says she didn't have the time to sit and think. She thinks I am not busy enough and that it why I am thinking about these things. Perhaps she is right. I mean I don't have much responsibilities to occupy me. So I have time to look and reflect and ponder. Would I want to be distracted? No I don't. I'd rather reflect on these truths. 

They are hard truths to consider and bring into the realm of acceptance. I don't want to wait precious hours, days and years in order to do that. For that time may not arrive. One of my uncles died of cancer and the latter part of his life, he was scared and sad. I don't know about what. But I know he didn't come to terms with his sickness or death. Now I have an uncle who is 85 years old and bed ridden. I will see him soon. It will be a good time for reflection too. I used to work as a hospice patient visit volunteer. Since the death of my father in law I stopped cause I just could not handle it. But I met many people relatively young and some very old, who were dying. It was one of the most humbling and profound experiences I've had. 

So I no longer can distract myself long enough to forget these realities of life. They are very real. They always were. It just took me about 38 years to even get to point of looking at them. The journey is not easy. It pains me to reflect on them. Sometimes it's frightening. But what choice do I have? 

My body is a daily, sometimes minute by minute, reminder of the deterioration process. It's hard to ignore. Perhaps if I had better health and less pain perhaps I may not be so prone to reflecting so much. But I cannot run away from my body, and nor do I want to anymore. I think it's here to teach me a vital lesson and I am trying to learn it. 

The Dhamma says the body it a mere construct of conditions that are constantly arising and ceasing away. It is not mine to be held on to with pride. It is not mine to be controlled as I deem fit. It will rise and die according to it's own trajectory. While I don't understand the true profundity of this, I to some degree see that I have little control over the body. I cannot make it be the way I want it to. I cannot make my hair blacks again (unless I color but that lasts about 4 weeks before i see the greys again), I cannot make my pain disappear, I cannot get well no matter how crippling my sickness maybe, I cannot make myself look like that 20 some year old I once was (nor do I want to). But we live in a world that puts so much emphasis and hoopla on these outwardly things. Social media is a beast that way. Things are always aligned for us to be distracted from these truths. If they are not then we do it to ourselves.

Its a shame. Our lives are so short. Its like a candle in the wind. We don't know when the next gust will blow it out. But for some reason we live with such certainty. Sometimes I look at people and wonder how they do it? I don't think I have that anymore. It used to be frightening. Feeling like the ground beneath you was about to shift any moment. But over the last couple of years that feeling has become less frightening and has less of a hold on me. In some ways it's freeing. I guess there is a mix of it all right now.

Anyways, that's it for now. I really don't even know what I was trying to write here but I knew I had to write about the process and what and how I felt about it. 

This too Shall Pass

It's an old saying. I have heard it many a times and the story behind it. I am not going to relate the story here in the blog. But instead I am going to use my own experiences from my emotional world to illustrated how I have come to understand the meaning behind it. It's a powerful tool of letting go. It is also a core teaching of the Buddha. We call is "Anicca"....changing nature of things, physical and mental. 

I am not a person to whom letting go comes easily. I tend to hang on to things. Especially the negative things. I am now referring to the emotional world. Anger, hatred are two things that I love to dwell on and relish. I don't know why. I think it's a habit pattern. But this is what I love to do. Don't get me wrong I love good things but there is a part of me that takes this slippery road over and over again. 

It hurt me for many years. But at the begging it felt electrifying. I was energized by the power of anger and hatred. It felt good to hang on to it. Fortunately for me it lasted long enough to really hurt me. I say 'fortunately' because it is the very thing that taught me to embrace letting go. Because at first I had to. I was hurting too much to hold on to it anymore without being totally consumed by it. And somewhere inside me I didn't want to be consumed. Even though letting go was hard, being consumed by the power of anger felt far worse. Fundamentally I felt I was turning to the dark side and I was scared of it. I need to feel the light so I had to let go. 

I kept doing this even when I didn't want to, even parts of me felt like I was breaking apart. For some reason, even though I felt like I was coming apart in letting go, once I fully did let go, the feeling I felt was incredible. It felt free, light and bright. MY heart was at peace. That feeling of goodness became more and more powerful inside me that it's hard to hold on to bad much longer anymore. I still don't feel like I have crossed that threshold (whatever that it is) but I now i will get there where there will be that turning point. 

So what is it that I do? To me that's most important. IF someone says something is good then I want to know how to do it. Over the years these have been my experiences.

So at first, it was sheer determination because I believed in the Dhamma and my wonderful teachers. I was lucky that I was able to associate wise people like Ajhan Vayama and Ajahn Brahm and hear direct teachings from them. I also read teachings from wise monks like Ajahn Chah and Ayya Khema. What they said felt right and good and powerful. So in the midst of my despair I decided to listen to them and do exactly what they said I ought to do. I must say it wasn't easy. I was also not able to do many of the things they said. But I learnt to forgive myself, allow myself time and space. I learnt to allow myself to make mistakes and not make me perfect and the things I did perfect to meet any standards, especially my own. This freed me. It gave my the space to change and mold myself gradually over time. I think that was the most important lessons I learned. 

In that I didn't have to be frustrated by being negative or angry or having hateful thoughts. I didn't have to forget them. I didn't have to punish myself for having bad thoughts. I learn to embrace that part of me which I think I didn't like. I learnt to like it and love it. In some ways it was a like misbehaving child. Sometimes being kind to them makes more difference than punishing them right? Punishment might make them do things while you are there but what about when you are not? They may also learn to hide and lie. I don't think any parent want that for their child. So I didn't want it inside me. 

As this was happening, it got easier for me within myself. I wasn't scared or ashamed of my own thoughts. As I learnt to watch them, become familiar with them, they started having a less of a control on me. I saw that they didn't last as long. It all came and went away at some point. I wasn't worried about timelines. I just knew at some point they will go away and that make me feel good and put me at ease. It's was that feeling that I started grabbing hold of more and more as time went by. I think I started putting more emphasis on the good that the bad started losing it's control (at least the death grip it had on me).

So when I hear this too shall pass, it makes me happy. Cause I know I will be happier with time. It's like a storm. You cannot make the storm go away but you can take shelter and wait for it to pass. 

Now I do the same with the good. It's easy now for me to hold on to the goodness. It's going to pass at some point or another. 

I think nowadays I am like a seesaw. I can see myself going up and down so many times in a matter of hours. Not even days. Go from high to low. Low to high and back again. It incredible. You might think that sounds crazy but I think not knowing it is far crazier. So it's a saying that I hold dear to my heart. It also makes my life easier. I don't feel like I have to take things so seriously all the time. I feel like I can let things be and not have to control them all the time. Cause things have a way of coming and disappearing. I don't have to take action all the time. It makes life easier and brings a sense of peace to me. 

I hope it does to you as well.

Simplicity

Today I put up a post where Winnie the poo is having a dialogue with Piglet. The conversation goes, "What day is it?", Piglet says "It's today", to which Poo says, "My favorite day." I had posted this a few years back on FB and it popped up today and I re-posted saying "Ahh...beauty of simplicity". One of my friends made a comment. She said "how and why did our lives get so complicated?"

That made me think. It was a valid question and I did answer it in short. But I wanted to blog about it cause it lingered in my mind. I do believe things have become complicated, from the time I was a child to now. It's not just becausee I am older but the times have changed. But does that necessarily have to be complicated? I don't think so.

I think part of our complications stem from excessive need to have and to control. I think for most of us it's not even something to be questioned. We are raised to want and to control, to put it bluntly. I mean when we are young, we need to grow up, look good, get a good education, have a career, get married, have a family, a house, car and nice vacations and the list goes on and on. So we are taught to want. Then when things don't go the way we want them to, we are required to find a way to bring them back to alignment with what we want. If our grades are not good, we get a tutor. If our school is not good we go to a new school. If we don't look good, we put make up or get constructive surgery. If we don't like our partners we find new ones and on and on and on...so we are asked to and trained to maneuver variables so that we can get what we want. But does it always work like that? 

Not really.

I was once such a person. I had plans and goals. I was determined to achieve them. Most of my goals and plans were around getting a very good education, getting a high paying job that would allow me to rise through the ranks well enough to earn lots of money. A house...not a husband but a house where I can live luxuriously. And the ability to travel and spend time doing what I'd like to in my spare time. It was ambitious. I don't think I started out in those exact terms but as I moved on in my life that's how it took shape. I was energized, motivated and felt fully in control. It was a good feeling to have. When it wasn't like that I was in total despair. My mothers has those stories where when things didn't go my way, how frustrated and angered I was. I remember some of it but forgotten most.

But it didn't last for much long. In the first few years of my thirties it all came to a gradual stop. I was incredibly sad and frustrated yet again. All the planning and controlling to make things better didn't work life that any more. Partly it was because I couldn't make plans anymore. Most things that felt out of place were within my  own heart. I was good at pushing and shoving things outside of me to get what I wanted. But there came a time, I couldn't do that anymore. I don't think I was less skilled. But somehow I was not able to. That caused me to swell up, in anger, frustration, sadness. None of those feelings I could control and move around to make myself feel better. I think I exploded within myself many a times. I was barely able to hang in.

But with time things started to change. Partly because I was able to learn to handle my emotional world a little bit better. As my emotional world started to spin a little less fast, things started to settle and a new horizon appeared. 

In it was much more light and ease. I had little plans now, and goals to achieve. No set timelines whatsoever. In fact it was like a free fall. Quite nice. I think I am still in it. Now I refuse to make things complicated for myself. I am very aware of my emotional world. It's the start of all complications. It's hard to notice for most of us unless it's fully charged. But I have had lost of time for myself to slow down and with that allow myself a glimpse of the early starts of my emotions. Now when I feel the itch, I know to look at it directly. Instead of launching myself into a crazy scratching frenzy, I can be with it until the urge it manageable. I am using it as an analogy for emotions. So I catch myself early enough (not at all times but good enough), so that I don't act and speak on it. It's the outcomes of our complicated emotional world that leads to complications outside. Then it's like a chain reaction. You are always chasing the tail and there is not end to it.

So simplicity is a choice. It's not a privilege that some of us have as a result of money, power or status or lack of it. It's a simple choice. What do we want? and what are we willing to sacrifice for it? That equations goes in both directions. If what I want is going to sacrifice my peace of mind, time for quiet contemplation or if it leads to restlessness, crazy planning then I go back to what I want and adjust my needs. It's as simple as that. We cannot ask for simplicity by asking for everything we crave for. It's like asking to lose weight and also wanting to eat sugary food everyday and not exercise. It just won't happen. It's the same with life.

We need to adjust somewhere. Either we adjust at the want level or we adjust at the outcome level. Either way we will have to change quite a number of deeply rooted beliefs in our lives. It's those beliefs that drive us to lose simplicity. 

So if you want simplicity, look at what you want. Also look at what it will have as outcomes. Not just the good but also the bad. Look and investigate both. Then make a choice. If your choice leads to complications then you might have to go back and adjust your wants/needs. Unfortunately life doesn't always allow us to go back and fine tune things. But it teaches us a forward lesson. Then we can use that to understand our wants/needs in the future. It has to come from a clear and understood experience otherwise you will follow the same old pattern and end up with more complications.

But what I wanted to stress it that simplicity of life is a choice. We have many choices at any given point in time. We need to be fully aware and honest about why and how we chose them and what the outcomes are. At least that's what I have learnt up to now.