Seasons of Life

I love the seasons and the changes they bring. Where I grew up it was a tropical island and we had only the rainy season and the dry season. So when I first moved to London, I used to love it and now living in North America I still do. But now changes in the seasons mean something to me other than its beauty. Perhaps aging has brought that about. I entered my forties two years ago but even before that my body almost felt like it was starting to loose it's vitality and strength that I once possessed. Each passing year my body made it more and more clear to me that perhaps it's entered into a new season.

So when I see the seasonal changes, I see my body and it's changes in it. I feel the spring and the summer for my body is gone and its entered fall. Fall is my favorite season, followed by winter. If I follow the seasons, then my body will deteriorate over the next couple of decades before it enters it's last season of winter, where it will weaken and age that it will die. The irony is that even though I used to love fall and winter, I am not sure that I like the changes that my body is going through. I used to love the seasonal changes in color, falling leaves, cooling of the warm summer air and the cold and the snow and the emptiness it used to bring. But I am almost saddened and frightened by it when it comes to my body.

Is it the not knowing what would happen? Or is it the anticipation of the inevitable that is making me nervous? I've been pondering on this the last few weeks. I think to some degree it is a bit of both. I am not sure as to what would happen. Life is not predictable that way.


Yes we see our parents getting old and dying; that happened with grandparents. But each time we moved on. Somehow those experiences and emotions we felt (or rather I felt) didn't seem to take a hold on me. But now I look back and think and feel. Perhaps it's not something I ought to do. But I find myself self drifting off these memories and in some ways see myself in them. I can't help it. I think that's what makes me sad and scared. But then as I said there is guarantee that my life would turn out the same. But then there is the possibility that it will.


I know what my teacher would say. If you can do something about it then do but if not let it go. In some ways I cannot do much about it but I also feel that I can do much about it too. Much about it in the way I live my life right now. In how I respond to things right now. But then again, I feel sad and frightened, emotions which are not good and probably will not be a good way to respond in the moment. But I cannot do much about it. They feel like little dark clouds that come and hang over for a time and drift away. Then it clears again only to arrive back again.


It's been a tough ride, especially this year. Quite a number of people known to me have died during the last 12 months. My dad got pretty sick in April out of the blue and still recovering with no end in sight. My cat sitter died only last week. These experiences have left me feeling 'blue'. Also how my family members have dealt with my dads sickness has also left me feeling scarred. Perhaps I need to give myself sometime to gather itself around these emotions and experiences. But life is funny....it has its own pace and I don't have much control over it. So I feel like I'm being bombarded with these emotions and experiences, chunked into a short period of time.


So I am not yet enjoying this time in my life yet. My husband says this is the time in our lives, when most people who are close to us, like our parents and uncles and aunts will die. Yes it's their winter time just as it is our fall. But I'm not sure my heart has gotten accustomed to that reality. I guess I am going to have to be patient with myself and my heart most of all. It's tough. It's tough to have to face the reality of aging and it's tough to face sickness and its tough to see your loved ones going through it. It's tough to face death. Last year I had two of my closest hospice patients die. Seeing them through it was tough. I didn't think it was like that at the time. But maybe it was even though I didn't feel it at the time. I have stopped my visits to the hospice patients because I feel sad now. I feel disease.


I feel the same with myself. A certain amount of sadness, disease and fright. I maybe repeating myself but I am writing everything that I feel and have felt over the last few weeks and perhaps months.

 

Irma

Hurricane Irma hit the US last weekend. Before that, it created much destruction in the Caribbean islands. It was a category 5 storm with sustained winds of more than 185 miles per hour for the longest time in the history of storms, as per experts. It also held it's strength for a long period of time. I had never followed the path of a storm before but this one intrigued me and so I did.

What was most interesting was how the storm, as it travelled across the Caribbean into the US, almost felt like a living thing. At least for me it did. It had a path and boy did it travel that with persistent intention. It made me wonder what makes a hurricane and how does it keep to a path and how does is sustain it's strength. The science behind was fascinating. A hurricane required certain conditions for it to become one. Air pressure, water temperature, currents, presence of water and or land are some of it. At least that's what I picked up. It was the warm waters of the Atlantic and pressure systems that created Irma. Had it hit land then the hurricane would have lost it's power. The eye keeps it power as it travels over warm waters and when it hit the land it looses power. This is why the US didn't have the amount of devastation they were expecting. It hit Cuba the night before and the eye of the storm lost it's power and was not able to gather it's strength before making landfall in the US. But until then the eye kept creating an recreating itself many times over the course of it's path.

To me the hurricane reminded me of beings. Humans and otherwise.

Buddhist don't believe in a self or a soul or a permanent entity that moves from one life form to another. It is the causes and conditions that shape how and what and when things move. For example, for me to be born as a human being, there were certain causes and conditions present. Without those there wouldn't have been "me" as you and I know it to be. It is also the causes and conditions that sustain me as I move along in my life. Causes and conditions are within and without. Internally, my thoughts, actions and words shape and guide my life's path and externally people I live with, friends, places I live in and many more conditions also keep modifying that path. Absence of one or more conditions can alter "me" and "my life" considerably.

It made me realize, in some ways, how little control we have of me and my life. Just like Irma hitting land, I could get hit by a car and die. I mean it just made me think how vulnerable we are and how much we are shaped by conditions. But we may not even know what they are, because there are so many of them. We don't have the capacity to notice all of them. We move and think so fast that most of these conditions take effect and become the next round of causes in a matter of seconds, perhaps even milliseconds. I was simply fascinated.

It also make me think how much effort and a keen sense of awareness we must cultivate in order to make any change to our direction in life. Not only it's enough to change the external conditions but also it's imperative we change our internal conditions, mostly our thoughts. Our thought has much power but recognizing the thought and it's color and shade and gradient takes much effort. Without that we can be tossed around quite a bit within and without. We will keep inventing and reinventing ourselves either as humans or other beings in different realms.

Somehow there has to be the nullifying of causes and conditions in order for this continuum to come to an end like Irma did by Monday. To me it made me realize that Nibbana is a possibility. At least the science of it :))

 

Lost bag; lost mind

I have never been someone possessed about clothes and shoes. Every year I go through my closet and happily give what I don't use and what I feel I should give away. I am not a hoarder. I don't have a habit of lamenting over broken and damaged stuff around the house and keep using them without feeling the need to replace all the time. I have a habit of keeping my house lean. We don't have anything in excess and I don't buy things in excess so I can have them. I do not buy just because it's cheap or there are deals. It's just me. So the image I have of myself is that I am not possessed by my things.

That was heavily tested during our trip to Iceland when we lost our bag. Between me and my husband we only carry one checked luggage. My husband has a habit of carrying a hand luggage but I don't. But this time round, he insisted that I did carry one so I packed a few items for a day or two. In the bag was most of my clothes for the 9 day road trip we had planned in Iceland. When we landed our bag did not arrive. No one was there to even trace it. So all we could do was file a claim and leave.

I was devastated. My husband and I are frequent travelers and we travel all over and never have we had a delayed bag. Even when it was (once when I travelled to Australia) we always were able to find out from the airline people when it was going to reach us. But this time, there was no such hope and we were about to embark on a road trip around Iceland. I did not have most of my clothes. I felt disorientated, that's what I told my husband.

I am not someone who has a lot of expensive clothes. I have a few good ones and for some reasons I packed most of my good expensive stuff into the bag. My Lululemons, Nike shoes, Colombia sweaters and my new Victoria secrets undies and bras were in the bag. Boy did that hurt. I don't think my husband will ever forget "my beautiful brand new victorias secret undies" for the rest of his life. I must have said that every day. All the goods in the bag, if lost, would have been worth over $3000. So for me it was a lot of money and I knew even when my husband kept saying, we'll replace them all when we get back home, I just knew I would not waste money like that. So I was devastated.

For the first time in my life, I was miserable beyond console, over my lost belongings.

I remember my husband saying many things to calm me down in the few hours after we figured we won't be getting it anytime soon. I don't think it made me feel better. So he said perhaps we should go back to the hotel were to spend the night and make a few calls. But I had planned this vacation for month. Looked at routes and places to visit and I had a few things lined up for the first day and now it looked all was going to go up in flames because I could not overcome my grief over missing bag.

But luckily my desire to see Iceland was far bigger than my desire to look for the bag using our vacation time. Thank goodness. I knew if I went to the hotel and tried to figure out what happened to the bag, considering it was Saturday...I knew it would be double misery. I don't handle being unhappy well. Plus it would make us fight too. Then there will be more misery. So we agreed to go sightseeing. I remember telling my husband that I don't want to be photographed cause I was too miserable to smile. So we agreed no photos of us, but will look around.

Iceland is beautiful. The vastness of nature and space simply absorbed my misery, at least that's what I felt. I forgot all about my bag and simply enjoyed the sight seeing. But when we got back to the hotel, it hit me again like a wave. I had a good cry. Sometimes crying makes things better cause I am able to get that boiling negative feelings out of my system. I also said an affirmation. I am not someone who has stolen or taken what has not been given to me. Even if I find things lying around on the street I will not take, because it is not mine. So I said that since I have been good, that my belongings should be returned without any of it stolen. But that would not bring me peace.

So we travelled or 9 days without any word of our luggage. We tried to each out via email when we could but nothing happened. We ended up buying most of our toiletries and some clothes and using laundry facilities in hotels to get what we had washed and cleaned. After the first day and a half most of my regular episodes of grief and despair reduced.  But it never went away. It raised it head up from time to time throughout the 9 days.

I realized that it takes one to lose something of great value to understand how much attached you are to them. Yes I was not attached to things if they were lost one at a time over a period of time. But this was a loss in one go. Many things I liked and it made a hole in my heart. I kept thinking about people who lose their houses, loved ones, in storms, hurricanes and landslides....I tried to give myself perspective. I tried to tell myself that I only lost things that can be replaced. There are things that cannot be replaced like people, like your peace of mind. I'm telling you, that work is easier said than done.

But we had a wonderful time. Yes we had a fight or two because of my misery and my husbands matter of factness but overall it was wonderful.  I was ready to come back and file a claim for a lost bag cause Air Canada said if you havent' received your bag in 5 days, then we shoud assume that it was lost. So I had to some degree made up my mind to bear a loss of over $3000. I also said to my husband that I there will be continued miserable episodes from time to time for some months to come.

So we were heading back home after 9 days. As we were checking in we tried one final time to ask if anyone could try to locate our bag. The lady at the check in counter was very sweet and she was happy to do that. She took all of the information and any tags that might aid them of identifying it. She said for us to wait by the side of the check in counters so she could ask a person to go through bags. I was surprised. I did not expect to wait...I simply thought they'd take the info. down and check later. There was another gentlemen who was also trying to locate his bag. About 15 minutes later she came to us. She told the other guy that they could not find his bag in the first check and they will go back to do another one. I assumed she had similar news for us. But instead she said, 'we found yours. come back to te counter". I remember saying "Holy crap". We went to the counter and there it was our bag.

We saw it after checking it in Chicago 9 days ago.

At home, once we opened tht bag, it was untouched. Nothing was missing. It was incredible. So we found our bag and all the lost items. We were thrilled. But I don't think I'll ever forget the lesson I learnt. First of all about how we over estimate ourselves and under estimate our attachment to things. Second, to we prudent; I mean these things can and will happen and perhaps a hand luggage is good to have from time to time. Third, never lose sigh of your objectives. We went to have a fun adventure, and I am glad despite all this we have some beautiful memories, stories to share because we knew that was our objective.

Everything Belongs

Everything belongs. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, what is painful and what is not, what is easy and what is difficult, what we like and don't like, what we want and not want, they all belong. The problem is that we wish things did not belong. We want to have certain things only and other things we want out of our lives. But irrespective of what we want and what our opinion of these things are they all belong. They all have a place right here and an equal right exist right now just as much as I do.

I found this insight extraordinary. All of life, we try to get close to things that are good to us, things that make us feel better and get away from things that are not good to us and things that make us feel lousy. But the judgment is made by us and no one else. The outcome of that judgement is felt by us and no one else. That makes us life easy or difficult. So I create the world I live in. I create the emotions that I feel. I am finding this extraordinary. I have no other words to describe it right now. It's shocking too. So much we have in control yet we walk like the world is responsible for what we go through and how we feel. When we are totally in control of how we feel and what we go through. Perhaps the what part might not be in total control. I mean...I could lose my bags on a 9 days trip, my sister can say mean things to me....these things I don't have control over but how I respond to them, is totally within my grasp.

So what do we complain, blame and become miserable and hateful and resentful? Is it because we don't understand what we are capable of? Or is it that we don't want to take that control for ourselves? Are we scared of such exercise of freedom and right? Are we intimidated by that? Or are we in unfamiliar grounds? That amount of freedom given to us, when we don't know what to do with it and how to maneuver ourselves within that space that's totally ours? I don't know the answers.

But from where I come, I feel that for me, it's a little bit of all of that and perhaps more that I haven't yet understood. But whatever it is, I understand that everything has a right to be. There is no point in me, trying to wish things that did not exist or things exist. These kinds of wishing and hoping even a little makes my life difficult, creates turmoil in my emotional world. What for? Does that help me? No but I still find myself wanting and not wanting things. It seems crazy to me that despite understanding this, I still could wish for what does not make me peaceful.

This is the very reason that my mediations can go up and down. I have seen and noticed that when there is peace I like it and when there are thoughts I don't. I wish for peace and I don't wish for lack of it. But my wishing no matter how many times and how long does not make peace or lack of it, more possible or less impossible. But when I let both be, as Ajahn always tells, then I am at peace. So I realize that all belong. There is no need to wish or not wish. You just have to allow things to be.

Volcanoes and Glaciers

My husband and I recently travelled to Iceland. It is a beautiful country. So much unobstructed beauty of nature was incredible to see an be in. I feel it's a place I would like to live. Not Reykjavik but somewhere out in the country side would be idyllic away from all the hustle and bustle but in the quietness of nature. It's called the land of ice and fire and it literally is. There is tremendous amount of volcanic activity in some part of the island and then there is glacial activity. It's incredible and amazing. I was simply taken up by the country more than any other country I had visited so far.

One of most interested places we visited was an active volcano near a geothermal plant. I cannot remember the name of it even if I did I will not be able to spell it. But the magma chamber of the volcano is only 3km underneath our feet. The place of boiling and smoking. There were Sulphur pools and smoking holes on the ground. But most amazing as we walked further into the centre of the volcanic explosions were the lava formations from year of eruptions. It truly looked like a place from hell. Angry, dark and twisted.

I literally felt the power that probably shook the place but in a dark way. I felt sad and intimidated at the same time. I have never felt that way before. The way the lava was formed and rocks were pushed together and pulled apart, the smell, the burnt darkness of the rocks and the lava was very intimidating.

It felt like earth was angry and mean.

Then again I thought of human emotions. Isn't anger we feel is just as bad and ugly as those volcanic eruptions. I mean when we are angry, we feel dark and twisted and out pour our lava in words, facial and bodily expressions and many other ways. So is there really a difference between what you see on earth and what goes inside us? Like the glaciers we are calm and cool when we are happy and okay and like the volcano we are angry and boiling over when we are angry. I found that thought fascinating.

Hearts with walls

When I was young I used to love going home. After school or after school classes we used to have, I'd wait to go back home. Home was my happy place. I used to curl up in bed on dark, cold, rainy days and would read all day and my heart was pleased. When I worked for the newspaper I used to be called the "Home Bird", cause I'd never hang around to socialize with others at work but instead run home to be with home people. I loved home and everything and everyone in it. It was peaceful and happy place for the most part and I felt secure in it.

But I don't feel like that any longer. Perhaps because it's been over 10 years since I left home for good. Or perhaps because I have my own home now, which I feel similarly about. Or perhaps because I feel that the home that was once close to my heart does not feel like that anymore, including the people I once shared a life with in it. It pains my heart but at the same time I realize that those who I call mother, father, sister and brother have their own journeys and own lives and over the years the paths we each have taken have moved us in so many directions that it's no longer possible to even get close, not just physically but mentally as well. I used be connected to these people. But as much as much heart wants that I realize that it's not possible.

It's sad that when we grow up, we see that part of growing up is being able to assert oneself over others. It is sad that when we grow up, we lose the kindness and he openness we had as children. It's sad when growing up also means to some being so separated from one another as to make oneself look important or different. It's extremely sad when your own brothers and sisters, based on their own prejudices and insecurities or egos, allow walls to creep us in personal relationships.

Whatever it is, I really don't have answers but only speculations. I look at my own heart and I see great sense of disappointment and sadness over the happenings of the last 2-3 months. It feels like my dad's sickness brought out the worse in everyone and true reflection of who they are as individuals. If what I have experienced over the last 3 months is even close to the truth, then I am afraid I no longer have space in my life for them anymore. Just writing that finality of tone makes me sad. But I don't know what to do other than create some space and distance between me and my family members.

I do not understand their hostility towards me. Whether it is by intention or not, there is that I feel. From my parents I feel a great deal of expectations that they don't seem to have from the others. But when I do everything that I can possibly do, that is also not good enough or there is more to do to make things better. I am asked to live up to standard that they do not demand from my brother and sister. They cannot handle a rough word from me but puts up with redness from my brother and sister all the time. For them, my life is perfect and I am perfect, whereas for my brother and sister their lives need to be helped and cared for by them and by me. Why is that? I don't know but I feel the burden that I cannot handle anymore.

Talking to home is unpleasant. Talking to my brother and sister is unpleasant. I have done everything in my power to 'take it in from one ear and put it out the other' but it's come to that point that I no longer even want to take anything in. I feel like I need a break from them for a while. Perhaps it will be good for me and them. Sometimes we all need to find some space and quietness and I certainly need to feel that without the constant barrage of complaints and requests and demands from them.

Recently we were on a holiday and the day we landed we found that our bags were missing. On the same day my brother sends me a text asking me to call so he could go over a letter that has to do with his move. We are holidaying and in another country and without access to Wifi and with a large time difference. So I told him that our bags were lost and I cannot attend to his needs right now. Then after a day he writes again asking if I got the bags. To that I replied that if he's waiting for my call not to do so because of the difficulty in getting through but to send the letter in. He simply went quiet and never wrote back or even asked about the missing bags. When I got home I wrote telling him we were back and that we could talk. When I called him he simply sounded very disinterested in talking and the attitude was that there is nothing to talk about and was very dismissive of anything I had to say. Moreover, he never even bothered to ask about the holiday or if we even found our bags. I was very hurt and disappointed.

The fact that he is so selfish and cannot even care about someone else until his little life is perfect was very sad to me. Now if I tell him he probably will lecture on how one should not expect and why one should expect so much but forgetting his own level of expectations and his inability to let go of his own ego and selfishness for a moment to ask about anothers problems. It was the same with my sister. It was all about her sickness and difficulties but never how I might be having a hard time with my knees and back and shoulder, when I was doing the taking care of my father. Everyone seem to feel they have the worse and therefore do not have an ounce of time and hear to spare for another. So I am leaving them be.

I claim that I also don't have the time and heart for them. It's taken a toll on me and my mental well being so I will stop for a while at least. Let them sort out their miserable lives and let me get on with mine.

Mind reactions leads to lack of peace

Recently my meditations have been erratic. For the most part this week I found myself feeling lazy to meditate. There have been times I've felt like this and its passed. But this time round there seem to be a block. At least that's how I felt. With all that has been happening, today I thought I'd sit down even for a short while.

Ajahn Brahm always says no matter what open the door of your heart. So I thought I'd try that. I think I do but perhaps I may not do as he says for us to do. I started with chanting. I do that when my head seem to be all over. I realized that my mind was running around even through the chants. But I kept at it and things clamed down as they always do. Then I moved to relaxing my body. It was better by that time. After a while I was able to pick up my breath. Then once more my mind started the thinking process. Thoughts were everywhere. But this time I continued watching them, opening the door of my heart to them even though they were not supposed to be there. I let them be, I said.

As I continued watching them I realized something. Perhaps I had known this before but not felt it this strong.

I realized that when things get a bit rough my mind jumps. It's almost like being frightened. You know when you don't like something, how your mind reacts. Well mine does in meditation when things arise that I think should not be there. But when things clam down I clam down cause it's nicer and easier.

This was fascinating to me. Cause this is how I live my life for the most part. Especially during the last month or so with all the events, my mind has become frightened. Even when I was in Australia I noticed it many times. My mind jumps (almost like a strong quiver) when I feel the negativities around me. Not just thoughts but events and people. Then when things clam down I clam down and I feel much at ease.

I saw that in my meditation today more thatn I'd ever done so before.

Am I frightened of my negative thoughts, just as I am frightened of negative events and people around me? I find that interesting. For my mind seem to react so similiarly to the internal thoughts as it does with external events and people. When things are not the way I want, I get frightened and want to run away and get distracted but when things clam down I accept it with open arms.

Isn't this what Ajahn Brahm tells us to move away from? But then I seem to be embracing it. It seems to give me comfort cause embracing what I don't like is hard.

So what is this teaching me? That I ought to be more patient, tolerant, understanding. Or have a balanced place in my heart for the good and the bad. Or is it teaching me to move away from my reactions to these events? Cause these thoughts arise out of past karma but as my teacher says it's my reactions that create future karma. So in my frightened reaction I am creating my future karma which could lead to similar situations?

Hmmm....it's something for me to consider.

So in my meditation I am simply reacting to thoughts that are arising, which is the problem. This sounds exactly like what Ajhan says. Depressed about being depressed or angry about being angry...reactions. Instead he says to let it be.

Next time I meditate I must try to be this way. Of course I mustn't try to control which reactionary. Oh my...I got to stop this cause I will twist myself into a knot. I should just write and let it go and not think about it. All thinking leads to confusion. But I thought I'd write it anyway cause I really felt it very strongly today.