Freedom: What is it?

I had this interesting conversation with a hospice patient of mine last week. During my visit I noticed that he was not really happy. He was kind of making noises like sighing and wasn't smiling much. I have known him for a while now. He a very private guy. I waited for a long time before I decided to ask the following:

Me: Are you not happy?
He: No.
Me: Why not?
He: Because I'm not free. (I  knew the answer but I wanted him to say it)
Me: What does freedom mean to you?
He: Ability to move about. (He's bed ridden and is not allowed to go out anymore)
I waited a while before responding.
Me: To me freedom feels different...
He: Oh Yeah
Me: Yes. To me freedom is to be able to be happy and peaceful no matter what.

Then silence.

This conversation left a print on me. I could not but think about it for the rest of the day. It bothered me in many levels.

First, I felt greatly for him. He's not happy in his last days because something he had cherished for so long, his independance, is taken away from him. I don't want him to be sad but he is and there is little I can do to persuade him to be otherwise, right now. The other was, how freedom meant very different things to each of us. He felt it was his movement and I my happiness and peace. Another was how we get set in our ways of seeing ourselves, that even when the odds are against the very things we've practiced and done for long, we don't budge. We do not seem to possess an ability to shift gears, even its in our best interest. 

I realize that there is little I can do to make him happy, unless he makes up his mind to be okay with the present conditions. But I hope my continuing visits might bring about a few moments of happiness and delight. He loves coffee and doughnuts and chatting about his past experiences.

But I certainly can learn and change from the lessons I learn from him. Perhaps I might even be able to be of help to him. But my main priority is to see this for myself.

Freedom, means very different things to many people. I found that I was judging him as he responded to my question. I felt that my way of thinking about freedom would make him adjust better. I felt that if I were in his situation that my thinking might make it possible for me to cope with things much better. But later on as I began to dwell on these things deeply I realized how our views and opinions on the very same thing can be so very different. It also shapes us, biases us to think and behave and feel differently. 

For me freedom might mean being able to maintain my happiness and peace under different conditions but for him it's being able to move. Now who am I to say that is wrong? For him it is everything. His past experiences and life style has made him the man he is, thinking the thoughts he thinks, even if it's making him feel unhappy. For another freedom might mean, having a lot of money to get whatever they want. For another freedom might mean getting out of an unhappy marriage. 

At the end of the day, we will see and judge the world from our own unique vantage point. I believe, with much certainty, what I think makes sense. But I bet all others think the same way as well. Isn't that amazing?! We each have a unique world we live in, conditioned by a set of circumstances and experiences....that it feel so very real to us. To me, my world makes sense! It may not make sense to another but to me it does.

Looking at this guy I thought the same. But how do I know that my world makes sense for real. Do we have a set of values or standards that we measure our lives against? I don't know. Perhaps they have or they don't. But I know I have. But how will I know that what I measure myself against is absolute and not relative? As I'm writing this I feel that if for the most part I can maintain my happiness and peacefulness I must be measuring myself against something that makes sense. 

It's been a while since I have started meditation. The practice of meditation has lead me to see that for the most part we measure ourselves against whats around us. Our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, culture and those we respect and so on. But I feel that this is a relative way to live and see ourselves and capabilities. Everything is measured against something else...someone else. I feel that this is not a good way to live. I can see why young women feel utterly disillusioned because they want to look  like movie stars or model. Do they know what they are measuring themselves against? 

When I was little I used to travel in trains with my parents. One day I was sitting in the compartment when I realized that we were moving. There was another train right next to us. But once we passed the other train I realised that we were still at the station and that it was the other train that had moved. I was tricked. I see the same situation when we live our lives in relative mode. Relative to things around us. We are left confused!

I have been looking and searching to live without measuring myself against the relative world. It's not an easy task. Everything and everyone around you lives relatively that you cannot but get caught up in it. But my meditative practices have been a great help in keeping myself at check. My practice has allowed me to see that qualities like, kindness, compassion, generosity, anger, ill will, jealousy are things that are pretty common to all. While they have varying degrees of being outwardly demonstrated they are common to all. The cluster that belong to positive attitudes/emotions continue to bring a sense of peace and tranquility while the others continue to shake the very ground that's beneath you. 

I have decided that what I do and think should be aligned as much as possible to the positive attitudes/emotions. It gives a level ground. When I do things I do them so that they are based on these emotions. When my actions and words have a foundation of positive attitudes and emotions I find myself being peaceful and tranquil. 

The times that I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off is when my actions, words and thoughts are dominated by the negative emotions. So when I look at freedom, I want to look at it in terms of what could bring about positive emotions in me. If I have a headache, can I feel peaceful? No, because it's hurting me. I could go to a doctor, I could take medicine and if that reduced my headache then I might go back to being happy. What if my headache does not go away despite these remedies? Then I will be unhappy right? Yes, but I have found something in between. I have found that allowing and accepting things for what they are and for however long can also bring about peace and happiness. I don't have to exert much energy for it. I just have to find my groove which isn't easy all the time. But when I do it works. 

I wish that my friend finds that groove within himself. It will bring about a sense of peace to him. 

Knowledge Vs. Understanding

The Buddha encouraged us to investigate ourselves. He said that through the understandings we gain from self investigation, we will come to understand everything around us. It sounds quite simple. But how do we do this? I'm going to use my own understanding of myself to describe how we can do this and what stand as possible barriers.

I have a degree in Psychology and nearly 10 years of work experience in Human Resources Development. I thought I understood and read people very well. I'm sure I did because I was very successful at it. But to the same degree I was not very successful at it. I say that because at the end of the day, I may have read a hundred people, but I felt quite a lot of dissatisfaction inside of me. During that time I doubt I was able read and understand myself very well. 

After grappling with this dilemma for a while, I quit my work and solely focused on myself. I felt I needed to do that because there was no one to understand me and guide me. I felt I owed it to myself. This self exploration, I did through the practice of meditation, based on guidelines set forth by the Buddha. Of course I had monks and nuns who were well versed in the subject and the practice to guide me along the path. It's been almost 8 years since I've started my self exploration, and I still have quite a long way to go. But the understandings that I have gained during that time, have helped and shaped me in many ways. They have also helped me to see the world a lot more than I thought was possible. I believe my views have changed over the years, for the better I hope. 

It is through these understanding I have had over the years, that I will approach the topic which I have set out to explore.

We all would like to believe, and we do so without much of a doubt, that we understand the world we live in. When I say the world, I mean the life each one of us lives. Within our little worlds we have a belief we understand things to a greater degree than not. If we didn't, it would be catastrophic, since the overwhelming feeling of lack of control could drive us insane. So, we have a small sphere that we feel comfortable in and have a sense of control and a sense of predictability. Most of our world is driven and guided by the cultures we live in, the norms and behaviours unique to each of them. If our lives did not fall within the sphere of the greater society we live in, then we would constantly have conflict with the outer world. 

This harmony makes us believe we 'know' things. Just because there is similarity and familiarity we feel that is how things should be. This understanding is allows us to see the world. Essentially, we have arrived at a point of view. We look at the world from that point of view. This is judging. We decide things are good or bad, right or wrong, based on our point of view. That can make us better than other or worse than other or equal.

I have found that this is a relative way of living and understanding the world. Most of you, now, might say, it's all relative and that there is no absolutes. And perhaps it really is. But our relativity is based on the relativity of so many others right now and before us. So, for me it's like a cotton ball...going in all directions and no end or beginning to be found. I find this to be quite disconcerting. But I realise that it's the way life is lived and died for most of us.

However, meditation and insights have shown me a different path. Or a world for a lack of a better word to describe it.

I find that when we learn from everything around us, as good as it is, it is also very limiting. We are taught and guided by the view points, biases, prejudices of others. One might say that is the wisdom that has been passed down from generations before and without such a lot of understanding and knowledge how could we guide ourselves. Yes there is a point to this. But I think we need to go beyond that. It's great that we learn knowledge that has been passed down through generations and from knowledgeable people in  specific fields, but that alone is not going to be enough. At least it was not enough for me. I felt frustrated that, I could not get rid of my deep dissatisfaction, no matter how much I studied or gathered knowledge in a specific field. It did not make me clam down. I felt I was running in circles. 

When I meditated and after many years of practicing it, I feel a sense of clam that I had not experienced before. I feel what I have learned is capable of illuminating my way. I do not feel that I'm running in circles. 

As I said before I had a firm belief that I understood many things and things were falling into place in my life only have it in shambles in the blink of an eye. No Psychology or HR practices could help me out at this point. I thought I needed to do more studies and change my career. I did pursue this for a while. But at the same time I was introduced to meditation. During the first few months I felt a great sense of relief. Along with that came the understanding, that the things that have been taught by my parents and others in society, will only continue to make me run around in circles. It is when I abandoned the idea of studying further. Instead I started to dive into my own mind. 

It's been quite the journey so far. It requires a great sense of discipline and commitment and endurance. But it's been worth it. Going into to my own mind, focusing on thoughts and patters of thoughts that I had and continue to have has taught me much more than any Psychology lesson I've ever learnt. I have learnt to see myself with the level of clarity I can have at this point of time, recognize my thoughts, overcoming them, substituting them, living with them, making friends with them to letting them go. I have understood that my thoughts govern me. I have very little control over them. My thoughts get me to behave, think in certain ways. There are motives behind thoughts and patters. Some good and some pretty ugly. Depending on the motives, my thoughts can take me spiralling down anger, unhappiness, fear, jealousy or raise me me up in love, kindness, peace and clam. 

I have learnt that just as much as this is my truth, it is the truth for everyone else. No matter how much they think they are in control, they are not. I have learnt to see people in different colors and shades. Bright colors and shades for positive and dark colors and shades for negative. This is not mean that you are a positive person, just because your favorite colors fall in the brighter section of the color spectrum. It's all to do with your motives or intentions. In seeing and understanding myself I have come to see and understand the rest of world around me. I must say it's refreshing. I do not run down Psychology or Human Resources practices. I'm grateful for them. But what I have learnt goes way beyond any of the principles I have learnt through formal education. 

The knowledge I have gathered through my practice so far liberates me. And I say that with humility. There is a long way to go but I feel the path I'm taking is the right one. I don't feel liberation because I feel that I'm better off compared to others. Not at all. I feel liberated because I feel we are not very dissimilar to one another. Our happinesses and unhappiness stem from the same roots. In many ways, we are in the same pond. But the fact that I know it, for some reason, makes me feel at ease. The struggles we go through, the issues we try to resolve seem very small in great scale of things, but they are nevertheless there and will be there and we will have to face them. I feel liberated because I feel that I can face them and rise above them not because I'm smart than anyone else but because I see it. This is very liberating. 

So for me knowledge is very different to understanding. But not from just a way to make a living kind of way. But from a much deeper and a spiritual sense. 

Opening the door of my heart

When I first visited Keith, who was admitted into hospice care a few days earlier, he was not very accepting. He barely made an attempt at conversation. The vibe was "leave me alone" and so I did. But I made it a point to tell him who I was and why I was there and when he can expect me again. Three weeks after, I had to go on vacation. I was away for a month. When I got back I visited him again. For the first time he spoke to me. We must have chatted for about 30 minutes. I got him enthused about getting him coffee the next time I came to see him. He insisted that he pay me for his coffee and I gave in. 

Since then I have visited him for over a month and he has never failed to greet me with a smile and fun stories from his past. 

This guy is diagnosed as having terminal cancer. He is fiercely independent and want to get out of the facility the moment he finds lodging. I, of course, am very skeptical that he should be on his own. But I haven't shared my thoughts with him except in my smiles and silence. I think he gets it.

The reasons I'm writing my blog is not just to talk about him. Over the past month and a half we've sort of developed a friendship. We talk for hours now. He most of it. I'm totally okay with it, as I'm there for him. 

The day I first saw him, I remember feeling like that this is the patient that was going to teach me something of value. I don't know why, only future will tell. But I listen to my inner voice or instinct whatever you want to call it. 

As I was driving home yesterday after my visit, I realised that my lesson from him could be to have emotional involvement and yet not be involved. I realise that I'm making a friend in this dying man. He is a great story teller, has much to share about his life and experiences and I find that fascinating. But more than that his struggle to assert independence over the circumstances he has found himself in, for whatever the time he has left in him, is of great interest to me. I care very easily. It's something that my patients love about me. I think, despite his strong manly facade, he too finds that appealing. I feel he may have warmed up to it. But in the same way I have warmed up to him. 

When I first started volunteering, I remember my manager saying, how volunteers who care for hospice patients mourn loss. I, as always, wanted to have my experience to believe in it. I'm thinking now, that there is a chance that I might grieve when Keith dies. For I'm developing a friendship with him. When he dies I should feel as if I have lost a friend. 

I'm keen to go through this process. Just as much as I have wanted to understand the process of death, I have also wanted to understand what it would be like to lose someone you deeply cared for. I do not understand why I'm so fascinated with this. But I have been for quite sometime. It started off when one of my uncles died of cancer just a few years ago. I realised that I too can die. I realised that my parents who are getting old, can die at anytime. In one of my meditations, I felt the deep sadness and sense of loss that might be experienced in death. I know I will never fully understand and grasp it unless I die or someone close to me does.

At the same time, I realised how people are moved in the death of their close friends and relatives. I also saw in my uncle who was 75 at the time he died, the fear and the sadness he experienced during the dying process. I've looked for answers I guess in some ways.

Keith is the youngest person I have had as a patient. I've had one other patient of mine die recently. She was much older and basically died of old age. I enjoyed visiting her. But as most of my older patients go through, she had quite a lot of memory loss and dementia,. So she would not remember me from one visit to another. Her stories were repetitions. But with Keith its different. His stories are vivid descriptions of experiences and emotions from his past. He remembers me from one visit to another.

As humans we all make emotional connections. It is what makes us who we are and gives our lives a sense of warmth and security. But those very emotional connections make us sad, unhappy, miserable and insecure. It is rarely we are given the opportunity make an emotional connection with a person who is diagnosed terminal. We establish a relationship, friendship knowing that this person is going to die. So it should be easy, right? I wonder.

I'm seeing my relationship with Keith like that of one of my uncles. Even though I haven't known him for many years of my life, I'm getting to know many years of his life. Somehow, it brings you closer to a person. I want to find how much closer one can get without having an emotional upheaval. 

I'm a deeply spiritual person. I have practiced Buddhist meditation for about 8 years now. Most of that time was spent developing loving kindness. It's a platonic kind of love, free of lust but full of love. Ajahn Brahm calls it 'opening the door of your heart'. I have realised that you need to open the door of your heart to everything. For in it you find your own freedom. It's always an irony. We think when we are emotionally invested that we can get hurt and believe you me, we do. But the absence of emotions, it's difficult to built a friendship or any kind of relationship.

The Buddha is known to have been a person who cared very deeply about every single being in the world. His kindness and compassion is described as "his heart would quiver" but yet he was emotionally stable and never fell apart. This quality is described as "equanimity". While your heart quivers at the pain and suffering of others, your heart is strengthened by equanimity so that it never breaks apart and makes you dysfunctional. I want to know what it's like, where the boundaries are. It sounds crazy as I'm writing this, but I think I'd like to know. I want to know what my heart is like.

Just as much I know that I can get frothing wild, wildly passionate, crazily controlling, incredibly caring, I also want to know, at what point my heart would start falling apart. I know what it's like when it falls apart when you cannot have your desires full-filled but I don't know what it's like when you have deeply cared for the well-being of another. Or is it even possible to care so deeply about the well-being of another, unless they are an integral part your life? I'm going to let my experiences answer these questions but with time. 

Be the change you want to see in the world

Recently my husband and I went golfing. It's a fun golf place. One golf course, set number of holes and many people can play it at once. We go there from time to time to practice our swing. Next to us was a middle aged couple with kids who must have been teens or at least pre-teens. During the game my husband called out to me and pointed out the goose that was on the course. The goose was just walking towards the players and seemed obvious to the flying golf balls.

We just stopped playing immediately, incase we hit the goose by an accident. It will not survive a golf ball. I asked my husband to tell the staff so they can get the goose fly out of the course. What happened in-between made my heart cry.

People were taking shots at the goose. What was most heartbreaking for me was the couple next to me who kept playing and having a good laugh. The mother kept playing her erratic shots and seemed amused that she did not hit the goose. From the number of golf balls flying out, I realised that most people had stopped playing but this family did not. The parents kept playing and laughing and the children joined along. 

Finally the ball picking trucks got the goose out of the way. Thank goodness!

What I realised in the middle of all these is that we, humans, can be pretty darn stupid and mean. I thought of the couple next us with the kids. What if their kids got on the course by accident. Will they continue to play their shots or will they run to save them. How would they have felt if others had kept hitting shots on to the course? Would they have laughed over it? Or would they have feared over the safety of their children and angered towards those who continued to play? They would have sued the players and the golf place for being irresponsible and lacking of safety.

But a goose, seemed a natural target practice. Why? Because it wasn't a human? Or it wasn't your child? I wondered.

It's unfathomable how quickly people forget things like compassion, kindness and empathy. I have no doubt that those parents would be teaching their children to show respect, kindness and understanding of others feelings etc but at that moment, it did not apply. It had no transference power. The sad part is, this is not the first time I have seen this kind of behaviour. For some reasons, we are better at talking and teaching others than making sure that we have learnt the lessons and that we are able walk the talk. 

I once met a woman who had a two year old child. She was talking about her friend who had opted to give her and her child a ride. The friend had a dog. When they were about to get in, the friend had said that the child and the dog can sit at the back. This woman was appalled. She said she would not feel safe with the dog and the child in the back seat. What made this story telling interesting was what she said after. She said, the danger of a dog with a child in the back seat would not have ever crossed her mind if she did not have a child. She said because it was her child, she realised that it might not be the best way to travel! So basically if it were someone else's child, she would not have had an issue?! Isn't that interesting. As long as you have a lot to lose it's got to change and its not normal, but when the loss is for someone else, it makes no mark on you?!

I'm astounded by lack of empathy in humans who constantly seek it, fight for it...I mean why do we have a thing called 'human rights'. But for some reasons all the rights apply only to me and those around me. For others, unless I have no direct benefit from it, it does not matter. How do we get off thinking like this? 

If we are this selfish, then it's stupid to ask the rest of the world to be unselfish. It just not work that way. If I need kindness, I need to be kind first of all. In the absence of it, no matter how much I cry over the unkindness of others, its not going to change much. Why? Because I have not changed. It's like someone pointing a gun. As long as you are pointing a gun, no one dare come near you let alone be nice to you. Why? Because the other person is thinking this guy is going to shoot me and I'd better get out of the way. It's the same with emotions. 

Our small minds are unable to compute the power of emotions. Positive and negative. Just because an emotion has no physical shape and size does not mean that it does not carry weight. Its actually far more dangerous than a physical object. You can at least see it but not an emotion. So the harm it can do, is that much deeper.

When we carry emotions they are like clothes that we put on. It carries a message. If you are wearing smelly and dirty cloths, you give out the impression that you maybe poor, unhygienic and simply dirty. Will people approach you and talk to you and ask to have a drink? No! They will simply move out of your merry way. Now you might wonder why people are not being nice to you and not talking to you. You might even get angry...but the point is that you are smelly and dirty and people are responding to that. Unfortunately you don't know this. Having and carrying a negative emotion is like that. Its smelly and dirty and people don't want to have to do anything with it. Only you are left wondering why and angry!

It's the opposite to someone who is dressed up well and smelly good. People won't walk away from you. They will be pleased to see you. If you go towards them and talk they may even talk. It's like having positive emotions. People are attracted to positive emotions. 

So I hope if you are reading this, it would help you see that the work has to be done by you and you alone. If you want the world to be different, you need to start being different. As Gandhi said, Be the change you want to see in the world". I agree with him completely. Not because he is Mahatma Gandhi but because I know that what he said is very true. 

I hope people learn these lessons sooner than later. We cannot teach our children if we cannot put in to practice what we know. It's what we do that makes a difference not how good we are at teaching it. People and especially children watch the adults. We imitate those around us. If what we see around us is, people using a goose as a target practice, then message do we send? Its not in what we say but in how and what we do when we are faced with a situation that shows who we are. Its sad to see that such qualities are only payed lip service these days.

Taking Control Vs Letting Be

In this day and age "taking control of things" is a term that emphasizes someones strength and the power of their willfulness. For sometime now I have been questioning whether this is a term that has a realistic  base or something that we use to make ourselves feel better or perhaps a little bit of both.

My experience of things is that, we are never fully really in control of anything. This includes our own selves. 

If I were in control or am able to take control of things, then the first thing I would like to do so is in terms of my health. Unfortunately I have not had a luxury of being able to stay well for a very long time. I find that when I begins to feel a remote sense of physical wellness, I get sick all over. It does not matter how well I eat, how much I exercise or meditate, I cannot really get my body to behave the way I would like it to. Its very disheartening really. I feel utterly out of control within my own body. I find the same with my thoughts. I could sit in meditation for days and not be able to experience the joy arising out of one pointedness. I could sit for 15 minutes and suddenly there is it. Such Yo-Yo mind. Again I would love to have control over my mind but to this date not been successful at it.

So when people tell me that they are fully "in control" or "take things in to their control" I find that to be quite humorous. For the simple argument that if I cannot have control over my own body and thoughts, how could I possibly have control over things that are external to me. But for some reasons this does not hit home for most of us. 

I have begun to question why this is so. Its a false sense of hope that we carry with us. For what? I realise that it gives us comfort, a sense of security. Control gives us a sense of security that the ground beneath us is not going to shift all of a sudden. I can understand that. I mean I myself don't like to believe that I'm not in control. I find that I always have a need to feel as if I am in control. 

I find that I look into the future and try to iron out things that might go wrong, or try to minimizes the discomforts that might arise out of something that I see as a possible threat. I also find that when I think of my past, I would like iron out things in the past  in a way that it makes best sense for me. But in both situations I am exerting "control". But I know that no matter how much time I spent trying to control these events, especially the ones in the past, it does not change the events. With great patience I have applied this to my future as well. I have spent trying to iron out the possible wrinkles in my future. I would have spent hours and days of thinking of possible ways but only to find that my future isn't what I expected it to be. Therefore I am taken by surprise sometimes to my great joy and other times to my great sadness. 

So it unlikely how much we would like to believe that we can take things into control, that we can actually do so. Perhaps for a small amount of time or for something small. But in the greater scheme of things, if I cannot control my own body and thoughts it's highly unlikely that I would do so with something outside of me. 

I'm slowly getting to a place where I'm able to let things unfold to their own set of circumstances. It's not an easy thing for me. My natural tendency is to control things to my advantage, so I think. But I have seen over and over again, the suffering I have go through only to find that I really haven't been able to change things after having put so much effort. So, now I am practicing letting things happen. Letting things take their own course. But its hard. It makes me wait on things. I'm not used to waiting on things. I'm used to making things happen. Waiting feel stupid really and its like an itch that one need to scratch. But there have been situations that I have been able to wait on things. 

I have found that it gives a great sense of relief to be able to do that. I find that I'm not pressed by circumstances around me. I feel that I'm in control by allowing things to happen in their own way. Its quite ironic. Very counter intuitive. But it works. But you need to be patient. It also doesn't mean that you stay very passive. Oh No. Its quite contrary to being passive. But it is also quite different to being active. Its a place that I find is between passive and active. As I;m writing this blog I remembered something I had read in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective people. If my memory serves me well, I think the author said "responsiveness' likes in between Passive and Active. 

Now that makes sense altogether. Responding sounds like a space that I find now. It's not that I'm being passive not going all out to take charge but it's waiting so that when things happen you are in the ideal place to do something about it. I think this is the same thing that we are taught in "mindfulness". When we are mindful we are in the present. The present is constantly moving and instead going back or going forward you are moving with the sequence of events as is it happening. It is more likely that you are in touch with whats happening right now. So how you respond to them becomes more sensible. It's like hitting a tennis ball or a cricket ball. You need to see it i n motion. Not something that came out of the hand of the bowler neither something that you have hit according to your plan. It's something you watch from the moment the ball is realased from the bowlers hand until it hits the bat. You need to watch the trajectory so you know best how to hit it. Do you go defensive or do you hammer it hard or do you simply let it go. If you cannot see the trajectory that the ball is in, you will not understand whether the ball has a spin on it, whether its swinging it out or in. and if you don't know this how you respond to the ball will be wrong. You might get out. But instead you watch it and respond to it as you see it the chances are that you will have read the ball well and therefore hammered it for a six. 

Anyway my point is that, its important to stay in the present and not get caught up trying to get control over things. This makes us lost in our past and or our future. But instead if you stay in the present with a keen eye on whats going on, your responses will be that much more accurate and your results better than ever. SO, I think we need to allow things to take their own course and watch. Only if there is a need to interject ourselves in it should we do so. IF not we might end up making a bigger mess. Why not we let things be instead of taking control. Might be a better way to  move into the future with that. 

Life and Death

I have been working as a Hospice Patient Volunteer for almost a year now. Its been an incredible experience so far. I have met some very nice and kind people and some very angry and resentful people and continue to do so. 

During my time working with hospice patients and their journey towards their death has made me realise that dying isn't as easy as we think it is or would like it to be, even if its under the most normal circumstances like old age. I think we need to be attentive to death as much as we are attentive to life. For Even though we think death happens in an instant...it does not. Its a process, a journey like any other thing in our life.

The most recent death of a family member I experienced was of one of my uncles. He died of cancer about two years ago. It was a painful process. The cancer not only killed his body but also infected his mind. He was for the most part lived in fear, not wanting to know the truth but suffering nevertheless.His attitude towards his last few months of his life along with those who were close to him demonstrated an inability to face the reality, wanting to believe in the unseen and lack of care.

One of my patients recently died of old age. It was a prolonged process and she had many difficulties. The last memory I had of her was totally drugged and sitting in a wheelchair because she had had a fall two days before and she died a day later. But Patricia was a beautiful woman until she succumbed to her illnesses. I had never seen her angry or without a smile on her face. She was always grateful. I used to take hot chocolate to her and she would drink it like a child. She wanted to talk whenever I went in. She even apologised for not being able to. Even though so wasn't well off physically until the very last weeks of her life she remained as sweet as I first met her. 

Then there is Loise. She is always resentful, angry and complaining. She is declining rapidly and she has lost her energy to be angry. She is now very unhappy. 

Another patient is going to be 100 years old in a very short time. I have never seen a more beautiful person of 99 years. Her skin is smooth and white just as her hair. She is full of life and laughter and jokes. She is the only patient that makes me laugh when I visit her. She says she is ready to die and I believe her. When I visited her last, she was down with a terrible cough and she wasn't very happy. She said, "God does not want me" and I had to sooth her by saying that "God does want her and that He is here right in her heart". She is also short of hearing so I'm not sure how comforting my words were to her. 

All the people I met lived in nursing homes under the care of others. Their loved ones if able visited them everyday or once a week or even fewer occasions. But all of my patients missed them, talked about them, reminisced about their past, the good times and some bad. To all of them my weekly visits broke the monotony of nursing home life.

Seeing these people, who have lived a good 70-80-90 years, makes me wonder whether they ever thought of the journey towards the latter part of their lives. In their rooms are photos of their younger years, looking beautiful, with their children and grandchildren. But I only see them as memories and so do they. Being old and dying isn't easy. 

It  made me think of my own mortality. I turned 40 earlier this year, so basically I have, if I am lucky about 30 years more to go. I wonder what my last years, days and moments would be like. Will I look back at my past, will I be at ease, sad, unhappy, miserable, angry? Will I be alone in a nursing home or in a hospital in the care of people I have never met. Will I be frightened? 

I really don't know. 

But one thing I know for sure is that I will strive to make peace with more things in my life than fight with them. If there is anything that my experiences with my hospice patients have taught me, it is that there is a great chance that you will be alone at some point or another in your life. You may not have those whom you have loved with you and they may not be able to be at your side when you need them to. You may not be able to do things on your own and will have to depend on total strangers. Your body might fail your completely. But through it all if you chose to fight and struggle to get what you want because thats what you have had most of your life, then your last years, months or days can be a struggle as well. But you cannot teach kindness, love, patience, peace when your body is breaking down, when you cannot see your loved ones or visit them as you wish to, when you have to trust some total strangers to give your painkillers at the right time, or your medicine for your cough. 

These qualities have to be developed when we are able. But this is not something we do or learn in our younger years. Yes we are taught to be kind, generous say our "P" and "Q"s and so one, but when it comes down to it some of these things fly out of the window, just because we can exert our will power and have our own way. Or our money or our positions and physical abilities.

So my lessons to myself is to learn to be kind, compassion, grateful, trusting now. Now when I can exert my will power to get what I want, even when the world is not giving it to me. A little bit of letting go of my need to get what I want the way I want to by will fully changing the conditions around me just because I can. I hope these skills not only help me in my last moments but let me liove more peaceful and harmonious life in my younger years. 

Gone in a second

Its been a while since I have last written a blog. I was travelling for quite sometime. Its been a time of much contemplation since I feel the situations that I had to encounter somehow have changed who I am. 

The biggest encounter was with my health. A couple of days before I was to leave for a vacation to Australia to see my sister and my brand new nephew, I started having this noise in my ears. I woke up one morning, went to the toilet and got back in bed and there it was...the noise. It was like air coming our of a went but a little sharper. I still remember the paralyzing fear I felt in my gut. I was a feeling of being invaded. The quiet space that I have revered for all of my life was gone in a second, to be replaced by this constant noise. Just like that things changed in my life.

I could not sleep that night because there was an intruder in my own body. A noise making creature so to speak and I could not rest. I did the only thing I knew...search the internet for an answer. Nothing that came up make me feel any better. I sat in my meditation room, hoping that I would feel a sense of ease. Instead it was tormenting. I felt utterly miserable. Towards morning I fell asleep listening to a talk my Ajahn Brahm, because one of the things in the internet said, to use noise to cancel out the noise. 

Then I had to go away. I did not want to. But everything was booked and it was an expensive vacation of 6 weeks. For the first time in my entire life, I left on vacation not wanting to go and the noise lingered on. I was told that it could be tinnitus. A ringing in the ear that is chronic for no clear reason. Of course I was in another country so I could not access medical facilities as would have liked to if I was in my own country. 

I am used to chronic illness. I have chronic headaches and dizziness. Have had that for the past 5 years. But for some reasons this noise in my ear, felt like a new blow. I felt robbed, cheated on by life itself. Despite my headaches and dizziness I could meditate, I could simply close my eyes and give myself to the healing quietness around me. But now, that space was defiled. I felt miserable and utterly stranded in life. I was in a new country. My husband was in another country at work. Even though I was at my sisters, she had a 14 month old. People were lost in their own lifes and so was I. The difference was that I did not want to be lost in mine. It was too unpleasant. I cried many times thinking of my past and how simple life once was and how that it is complicated. I felt unfairly treated by life. 

I mean haven't I gone through enough. People live for years without any sickness. I am too young to be this sick, for this long a time. And the punches keep coming. I wanted to die. I could not imagine living with this for another moment, let alone a year or ten years or more. 

Its been almost 3 months since I had this and its not changed. But somewhere I feel like I have begun to change. Slowly but gradually. 

Having a chronic illness is not easy. It was never easy even when I had my headaches...and then I kinda got used to having them. I remember in October I was telling my neurologist that they don't have to cure it but to ease it cause I have learnt to make friends with my headache. Then  "Bam" the noises started.

It was an enemy inside of me. I wanted to destroy it, run away from it, ignore its very existence. But it was not possible. How can I run away from my own body without destroying it? 

I fought with myself, which was also my new sickness, until I was emotionally exhausted. At first it was disbelief that something like this could happen to me again, then it was anger, for the injustice that I would be young and I still have to live day in day out with these miserable conditions while others just partied and went on with their little merry lives, then it was sadness that I had to live with it and the feeling that I just could not. Most of all I felt sad that I could not sit down and close my eyes and feel that quiet space surrounding me. 

I was lost again. I felt like I had been bobbing in and out of water just long enough to take breaths to survive. But I felt that somethings just landed on my head and pushed me under water completely. I was drowning. I had no answers and there was no one that I could reach out to for help. The medical practitioners are only there to say what it could be and prescribe something for the symptoms. If its not helping they can only say how sorry they were and I heard that when I was in Australia. Somehow it did not make me feel better.

My husband was in another country. He was busy that I could speak to him once  a day. Somedays all i could do was cry. But again, he was sorry for me and felt sad that he could not do anything for me. My sister and my brother in law did the best they could, which was to direct me to a doctor, give their vehicle for me to access what I needed to access and inquire about me. Again they were sorry. 

But no amount of sorriness made me feel better or make things better for me. I hope that people realize that saying 'sorry' to someone when they are not well or having a bad time is of no use. It does nothing. Perhaps the person who says it feels better because the only thing they can do is to say "Sorry". But never fool yourself thinking that its going to help the other person.

So I was desparate. And i turned to the only thing I turn to when I am going under. Meditation. It was so very difficult. I felt that I was starting to learn meditation all over again. I could not do breath meditation because the quiet space was quickly filled with the noise. So I fell back into a meditation that I started my journey with. Metta meditation and chanting. I chanted quite  a lot during the first few weeks of my holiday and after coming back home. I chanted because it helped me drown the noise. So I chanted slowly anything that came to my head. During that time I felt a sense of ease. Chants are positive and wholesome songs almost like hyms. They describe the virtues of the buddha, qualities of wholesomess and much more. So when I chanted for 20 minutes I felt like much peace. Then I gradullay started metta. It like quiet verbalising of loving-kindness thoughts to oneself and others. I did the best I could under the circumstances. 

When my husband got to Australia we were travelling about that there as no time for my noise to pop up. 

But it all came back once I got home. MY home is very quiet without much noise from the surroundings. So when all go quiet, the noise in my ear fills it up pretty well. It was like going back to hell. I knew I had to face this eventuality. But knowing and facing it for real were quite  different. 

Its worse when people who are closest to you cannot help you at times like these. One becomes truly alone. I realised how isolated each of us are. We are fooled  into beliving that we have people, loved ones and friends around us. Yes they are there physically and sometimes mentally but I can assure you no one can take away the feeling of isolation you feel inside when you are dealt with a blow from life. Only you feel it and unless there is someone who knows exactly what you are going through, its like what everybody says is gibberish. I relaised that I am truly alone and that I should stop fooling myself that there are people who can take care of me.

I realized that no matter what you better be your best support system. Cause when the going gets tough, if you dont have the goods, the chances are that you would fall into a bit of a spot which is dark and ugly. 

I realised that people have their own lives and their own priorities no matter how close they are to you. No one is going to stop or speed down theirs for you. That was a hard realization. Im mostly taking about my husband who is so very busy with work that the first week we were back and I was struggling all he could do was be busy and have a nice drink in the evening. When I told him that I needed help and I needed him to think of me, he was mad at me for asking him to stop his business and his drinking. 

Again I fell back into meditation. Meditation is by no means a cure. Up to this date it hasnt cured my illness for make them any less, but what it had helped me with is to come to terms with the fact that this is life and so are people. Even though you might think its a negative state to be in, I find that it has kept me sane, made me strong and self reliant to some degree.

At the end of the day, this condition may never leave me until the day I die. But I cannot fight until that day. So I am surrendering my need to get better to the nature of life. It's a hard truth to come to terms with. I may never will. Or I might think Ive come to terms with it until I am hit with another punch in my belly to realise that in fact I haven't. However future maybe, I realise that life has mysterious wasys of unfolding. Some of it you make like and some of it you may not like. But whether you like it or not, those are the cards you are dealt with. 

It very humbling. I see people don't get these things easily. When someone gets sick, they don't think of the others who are like them or worse. We fall victim to it with ease. In that we miss our lesson. We also fail to learn when we are not sick also. Because those who don't face these issues are so proud of their health that they cannot fathom the  pain someone else might go through. Again we lose the  lesson. I see an in between. A place where we gain much whether or not we are sick. A sense of feeling that we are in this together.