Standing Alone!

I recently realised whatever the qualities that arise in our minds cannot sustain themselves unless we give them the power to sustain. I must have done this many many times in my meditations but the realisation only hit me a few days ago. But it only hit me in regards to unwholesome qualities. Because I had an unwholesome thought in my mind at the time. It was anger. I felt the anger arising in my mind. Along with that I also had the feeling that I ought not do anything but simply watch it. Something that I have done so many times over the last few years.

However, this time as I watched the anger and as anger gradually died away, I was struck by the understanding, that when left on their own, these qualities have no strength of their own. This is something I have seen a million times over the last few years but for the first time, I realised the power of letting things be and not trying. The real kind of 'letting go'. It was a powerful lesson for me. Of course until I sat down to write this blog, I only saw as it being unique to unwholesome qualities. While there was that nagging thought in my mind that something was not quite there, it was when I sat down to write the blog that it hit me, that all qualities irrespective of the value it carried cannot last unless ones gives it the momentum.

That is such a powerful understanding.

But I also realise that that momentum, comes without our knowing in the first place. From a deep seated need to just move on. Like waves in the ocean. When the water moves closer to the shore, it breaks automatically on it's own. There is no doer, no thinker. But it happens over and over again. Just the same when a thought appears, good or bad, there is that momentum that it comes with ultimately it disappears. But our thinking and adding fuels it to continue over and over again.

Our lack of awareness too makes it impossible to see the patterns so that we can simple allow it to pass. Or to even notice the stirring so that we can let it pass without adding more ripples to it.

This is one of the most fascinating things I came to see and understand. Of course to see as it unfolds is harder. To see as it unfolds and let it simple takes it course, when it's charge with an emotion, like a tsunami breaking, is even harder. But at least now I know.

The weight of bondage

It took many years for me to realise what I felt many years ago, when I first met my then husband-to-be. Of course there was the thrill of meeting someone, the excitement of perhaps love or just simple wanting and being wanted. But I distinctly remember in the middle of it all, a huge weight slowly settling upon my heart, that was not there before.

I didn't know what it was. In fact I didn't recognise it for many years. But I only remember that there was something that didn't feel good, that seemed to land upon me overnight. It stayed with me for many years. It pulled me, pushed me around for many years. Brought me heartache, tears, endless yearning for many years. But I also recognised it as the same thing that also brought me happiness, great joy, love and comfort. So, I had to have it. There was no way that I could lose it. For if I did, I would be in utter misery.

After about 6 years of being the grip of this, I managed to get out of. It was like getting out of a prison. What freedom. Suddenly, my heart was free. The weight was lifted and I was not being pulled and pushed. The tears, heartaches, endless yearnings seemed to fall by the wayside all of a sudden. But there was one thing that was amazing in the middle of it all. I still had joy, love and comfort. This time round, it was not mixed up with all those negative emotions. This time around, these positive things tended to last much longer when the came around in my life. What a relief!

This got me thinking? What the hell happened?

Although it's been about 4 years since I've started feeling this way, it's only recently I recognised why this happend.

The burden that my heart felt all those years ago, was the burden of being bonded. The Buddha called this attachment and craving. I didn't know it consciously but somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind and heart I guess there was an inkling. Imagine that. A truth that was there all that time and I never saw it. Then when I managed to let go of that craving (perhaps the wanting to be loved, or the security of having someone or the fear of losing something) I was free. I was no longer bonded. This is the freedom Buddha spoke of all those years ago. This is the freedom I felt.

Miraculously, I still can love. I am still lovable. In fact, according to my husband, I am more lovable than I ever used to be. He also tells me that my love towards his has become less 'needy'. This is a wonderful insight.

For most part, all of us are bonded in our lives by our attachments and cravings. Love towards one another and to ourselves is the key to that bondage. It creates great suffering, distress, heartache, anger, fights in ourselves and amongst those around us. But all because we cannot separate love from craving.

Pure love does not carry with it any 'weight'. It's free. It like cotton flying in the wind. It's like a bird that can fly anywhere it wants. It frees the person that loves, and gives freedom to the person that is being loved. Neither is shackled by 'giving' or 'receiving' of that love.

But on the other hand love that has craving (and most of us who are not trained to love properly has certain amount of craving embedded in our love) carries a lot of 'weight'. It lacks freedom. It binds the person who loves as well as the person who is being loved. Both are in shackles. This love is clearly visible in all kinds of relationships. My relationships to my husband, my parents and myself had to a great extent craving embedded in them.

This creates expectations all around and when they are not met, distress, quarrels and when they are met joy. But when you drop the craving and learn to give love only, it has no expectations and then there are no distresses and quarrels and heartaches there is only joy.

Of course, I still have a long way to go but I have started my work and enjoyed it's fruits. I only realised what is really was only a few days ago. And I thought it was well worth blogging about since we all suffer from this phenomena.

Much peace and joy!

Building the house of Peace!

I was talking to my mother today morning and I shared something with her that I thought was worth writing in my blog.

We were, as always, talking about the path of liberation. My mother is very devoted to Buddha. I think she has much more faith in the Triple Gem and listens to a lot of Dhamma. She is very much versed in the Dhamma. However, she is not as well versed as she is in her practice of the Dhamma as she is in her knowledge of it.

So, I at one point of the conversation, analogised it to a foundation without a house. My mom is a person who has maintained her 5 precepts most of her life. She may have strayed from it intentionally a few times but she those times are few and rare. Keeping the 5 precepts is the foundation of all lay Buddhists. It helps to build the Noble Eightfold Path. So, I was telling my mother that she has a strong foundation but on it, there is skeletons of a house but no walls and roof.

So, if someone, builds a foundation and skeletons of walls, and they move into the house, what will happen? Can they live in it? Where will they keep their furniture? Even if they do, what will happen to them, from the cold, the sun, the heat or from thieves? They are going to be constantly harassed by outside environment elements as well as physical elements right?! Yes, of course. In order to be protected, they need to at least put up the walls, a roof and doors and windows and appropriate coverings and securings before they can sleep peacefully in the security of their home. Until then, they are going to be restless and worried.

In the same way, our peace of mind has to be build, guarded and protected. For that we cannot use wood, cement or glass or concrete. To build peace of mind we need to cultivate a spiritual path. The Buddha taught us this path. The start of this is the 5 precepts. It's like the foundation of our homes. So, we lay a strong foundation that does not wobble. Once it's done, we have to start building the house; it's walls, roof, windows, doors etc. This is done by cultivating the Noble Eightfold Path. It not done in the successive manner it's taught in the scriptures but instead it's done in a circular manner. Every little bit counts and contributes. But anything that goes against the path, also inhibits any progress we make too. It's like taking two steps forward and one step back. So, in order to move forward with speed, we have to ensure we take rapid steps in the right direction and that we don't take steps or we take less steps in the wrong direction. Otherwise we, reverse or slow down the progress.

It's like when we build a house, we must all work together towards building it. If people start falling sick, or material doesn't turn up on time, or things don't get build according to plan, or the plan is not good, work stalls. It's more or less the same thing in spiritual practice.

So, as we cultivate the Noble eightfold path we build the house and then gradually we can move into the house. To the extend it's complete, to that extent we are protected from the outside. For example, if the roof is not properly done, then the house will have leaks. In the same way, when we have not yet fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path, we will be disturbed by things like anger, worry, restlessness, desire, aversion, greed, sadness, misery, wanting, dislike and many other emotions that would create problems for us.

But when the house is complete just like the owners can safely rest and have a nice peaceful time inside it, when one day a person fully cultivates the Noble Eightfold Path, then that person will have total peace in their hearts. Just like no rain or heat or thieves can disturb, a person who has fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path will not be disturbed what goes on in the outside world. They will always be at peace in the peace of their own hearts.

As water flows so does everything

I have had a love, hate relationship with water for many years. I could not swim and this was a major reason. But I still cannot swim but I am not scared of water as much as I used be. So, over the past 4 years I have become less paralysed by water so that I could enjoy water activities like getting into a pool, kayaking, canoeing and I recently went whitewater rafting.

Water has taught me great many lessons about life apart from over coming my paralysing fear of it.

Water has a natural quality of flowing. It flows through everything. Even through hard rocks. I remember walking through some tunnels in Jasper, Alberta carved by water. The water no long flows through them but they certainely used to. It also has a way of finding it's way. I remember reading that water stopped flowing because of some geological changes and that after a while it carved out a new way for it to flow. So now it has a new direction to flow. Probably, many years later, if that avenue closes it door, water will find another direction. It never stops flowing. I find that a lovely quality. Our life is the same. It too flows, just like water. It has to flow, otherwise we fail in our own growth.

But in that journey, it encounters obstacles, some hard and others easy. Through it all life must find a way. It can find a way. It's ironic that I find myself getting bogged down with difficulties in life and sometimes attached to plesant things. If my life is like water I need to cultivate the ability walk past both because getting bogged down and getting attached are both hazards. They will both hinder my natural flow of life.

Another quality I see in water is it's state of balance. I don't know much science behind water currents and waves and etc. But this time when we went whitewater rafting, I realised that one can to some degree work with the flows and currents of water to guide the raft through. While the water looks out of control and scary, there seem to be some patters to it that if one know how to, can guide through it. I think, this quite similar to life. As Ajhan Brahm says, life is out of control so relax and enjoy the ride. I believe him to be correct now after my own experieces of it. I think we try to control and manouver life too much instead of flowing with it's tides, it's currents and patters. It has it's own ways and we need to work with it's patters to stay afloat. Most of us forget that and that I believe is the reason why we stress out so much, get in to problems unnecessarily. We just need to relax and join in the ride!

I also find disturbances in water whether they are as huge as tsunamis or as small as ripples are also interesting teachers. I think ripples are like our normal day-to-day emotions-both negative and positive. Ripples happen when the water is disturbed by an object. Just like ripples, when the mind encounters an object, it creates a wave in the positive or the negative direction. Ripples don't last forever. They arise and they gradually lose it's intensity and die. So do our emotions be they positive or negative. But we mess around with these naturally arising emotions. We hold on to our emotions by wanting more of it or wanting less of it. It's like the water not letting go of a ripples. What a mess that would be?! So, we essentially create a mess in ourselves. Instead trying to grab hold of our emotions or get rid of our emotions, we must simpley let them arise and let them cease just like ripples. How peaceful life would be if only we learnt to do that.

A tsunamis of emotions?! Well that's a hard one. Well I guess that's when people hurt themselves and others in very harmful ways.

You know how if water gathers in one place, it creates breeding grounds for mosquitoes and usually harmful things for humans. Well, I see life in the same way. When we hold our life, by way of not forgiving, not letting go, trying to control, I see that we essentially block our flow of life and make it a breeding ground for basically greed, hatred and delusion.

Water is pure and can benefit all. So can life if used well. Water has taught me many lessons. While there are many to share, I shall leave the rest for those who read to fill. I think I have become less scared of water partly because I see how much it's connected to life.

The most important relationship to cultivate

On our way from our vacation in July 2011, my husband and I were talking about our relationship. How I got to this point I don't remember, but I started saying to him that one ought to cultivate a strong relationship with oneself. He rebutted saying that it's just a conventional saying and that there cannot be a relationship with oneself because a relationship by definition has to be between two people. Well, what follows and more is what's in this blog.

The convention really is that we think that a relationship is between two people. Perhaps the definitions state that relationships have to be between two people. I don't know because I haven't looked up the definition. But I know that it's possible to have a relationship with oneself. Because I have one. Over the past few years I have actively cultivated and developed and nourished that relationship that I feel a sense of comfort in "my own skin" so to speak. This is what I started to talk to my husband about. I don't think he understood me, or so where I was coming from because he decided to get distracted by some police cop following him. So I shut up half way through the conversation and then the police cop suddenly stopped following him.

Anyway, back to my blog. Yes, it is possible and one must cultivate a relationship with oneself. It's like having a constant companion, a best friend. It's no different to establishing a friendship. But unlike a friend, who is outside of yourself, who will always change, go away, and do all the things that you might not want them to, if you cultivate a relationship with yourself, I have found that, that friendship is most likely to be at your side almost all of the time. There is that guarantee that wherever you go, you carry yourself with you. Whatever you do, you are always with you. You don't have to wait, you don't have to call someone up, there is no hoping or waiting, it's always there. But you must cultivate yourself to be by your side the way you want it to be.

For example, a few years ago, when I would feel sad, I would simply feel sad. I would cry, feel depressed. I needed someone else to make me feel good. I needed something else to get me out of my unhappiness. Now after a few years of cultivating a friendship with myself, I find that during times of unhappiness, sadness, there is a sense of comfort that I can find within myself. I can feel strong on my own.

A few years ago, when I would get angry, I would simply be over come with anger. It was like a tornado ripping through my heart, mind and body. Such devastation. Now, when I feel anger, I can feel a sense of calm slowly coming into myself. A quiet voice, a softening of the winds that rip through my mind, heart and body. Then a gradual lessening of a heat and then a peace as if someone has stroked and taken the storms away.

When I am confused, I used to stay in my confusion not knowing what to do. I could not feel energy, sometimes for days. But now, when I feel confusion, there is a sense that someone is at work with gusto. A relishing of the confusion because there is a knowing that this is a great working ground from which much can be learnt from and much growth can be achieved. It's like a good, kind and wise friend who guides you through a complex math problem or a life issue and you take comfort and assurance that you are going to come out alright and safe and that you are going to find the solutions.

In the same way, when I used to make mistakes, I used to be hard on myself...in fact I don't think I saw myself as being able to make mistakes in the first place. I always saw myself to be perfect and so capable. But now I am so comfortable in just being who I am. I don't have to be perfect for myself or for anyone else. I don't mind making a mistake because there is none to please (of course I am talking in comparison to what I was before to now not in absolute). So, I feel much at ease with myself and with things at large.

I like being with myself. I have fun no matter what I do even if it means just sitting doing nothing. I am kind to myself, especially when I am tired and weary. I am considerate about my mental and physical well-being. I will not push myself for the sake of pushing it. I love myself above all. Not in a selfish way but with a knowledge that only through that love that I will be able to sustain the love I have for anyone or anything in this world. I listen to myself like I have never done before. There were times when I used pass on my own instincts and then feel utterly useless for not having listened to it. Now I do not let myself down. I trust myself at all costs.

In doing this, cultivating a relationship with myself, I have been able to become more solid and harmonious in my relationships with others and the world.

I used to be more awkward and uncomfortable in social settings. I would do it because I had to. Even when I did it, there was a certain amount of "tongue tightness" about me that I felt within me. But because I have come to accept myself so much and feel at ease with who I am and my strengths and limitations (if I were to call them), I don't feel awkward anymore. Because I have with myself at all times, even when outside conditions are not what really what I would like to I find that I adjust accordingly so that I get the best that I could so that things become positive for me. As a result I am less complaining about things as well.

I have realised that whatever the relationship that you have with yourself is what is shown outside in the world. It's unfortunate that we don't take time to cultivate that most important relationship of all. Because many people look outside and try to adjust the world so that they could become happy. But it's not the problem of the world. The problem is right there in themselves. If only they adjusted the way they related to the world, then they would feel much at ease in it. But in order to do that, they first of all need to feel at ease within themselves.

In order to feel at ease within oneself, one has first cultivate a positive and wholesome relationship with oneself.

The Buddha's path shows us how to cultivate this very effectively. Things like metta, karuna, muditha and uppkea, if rightly understood and practiced can created a wonderful sense of well-being within oneself which can then get translated into how one interacts with the rest of the world. In that a great healing can take place.

So, while I was not able to have a conversation with my husband on the most relationship to develop, I have had that conversation many times with myself and now I have shared this in this blog. I hope it would be of benefit to whoever reads it to cultivate a positive relationship with your own self.

Reflections on Death

An uncle of mine is suffering from liver cancer and he may have a very short time to live. My mother told me recently that he was found crying on his bed a few times recently, even though he doesn't know that he's dying of cancer and that he may have a short time to live. It made me reflect on death deeply during a recent sitting that I had.

Death is going to happen sooner or later. Whether I would die as a young person, a middle aged person or an old person is an uncertainty. But all I know for a fact is that I will die. How I will die is also not certain. Will I die of old age? Will I die of sickness? Will I die of an accident? I won't know until the time arrives. But I know I will die.

But despite the certainty of it, Death seems such a far away concept. I don't feel death with me right now. But I guess, somewhere, somehow, my uncle can feel death even though know has told him that he's going to die probably within a year or less.

I tried to put myself in his shoes in my sitting. I can tell you that I am glad I wasn't the person who was dying. It's not a good position to be in though, it looms over our hear every single day. I used to be scared of even the thought of it. But over the last few years I have become less scared of thinking about it. But to actually feel that you are dying is something else.

I can understand his tears. It could be for many things. But mainly it was for either sadness or for fear and most likely for both. Sadness for what and fear of what, I contemplated?

Well sad that you have to leave and lose. Death makes us leave things behind and it make us lose our own bodies which we have come to treat as "me". Death makes us leave those we love, parents if they are alive, partners, brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, our houses, business, pets, monies, unfinished things, unsaid things, undone deeds. It also makes us lose our bodies. But since birth for how many years we have lived (the longer the worse) we have come to see and treat this mind-body process as one single entity called "myself" and death bring a sense of closure to it. I lose myself. It's a great sense of sadness.

This is also a fearful thing. I found losing myself to be a fearful thing. Because there are so many 'what ifs' that cannot be answered. We live our whole life trying to answer the 'what ifs' and 'buts' or at least adjusting and modifying our surrounding and people to answer those uncertain times so that they become a little bit more certain but death is that final uncertainty. We have no answer to give no strings to pull to steady the ground any more. We have to join the ride whether we like it or not! The great irony of it all.

I found when I contemplated that this is a scary proposition. I mean it can be scary if we've lived all of our live in one direction and one fine day we have to suddenly shift gear in the other way.

I found great compassion for my uncle at this point. For nothing could be more worse than dying unless you know how to die. I could feel and understand his tears because I know what they were for. I have done much metta meditation with him as my object recently, because that is the best thing I can do for as long as he lives. Perhaps, the energies will be absorbed somewhere and somehow. If for a moment it brings release then it will bring him a moment's release and that will be good enough.

But more than for him, for my own self, it was a time to think and feel what it would like to die. I found that it wasn't easy. Just like one has to get ready to go on a trip, death too is a journey that one needs to be prepared to for. A disorganised trip is a pain for those who are on it. In the same way someone who is not prepared for death, it will be sad, fearful and painful process.

These are my reflections on death.

Perspective Taking

I remember learning about perspective taking in Child Psychology many years ago. It was about when children learn that what you see may not necessarily be what others see. It's done as an experiment. Two children are playing with a doll. The doll is hidden from the view of one child. But the other can see the doll. So, the child that can see the doll learns, that the other child isn't able to see the doll because of the barricade even though he/she can do so. This is called perspective taking. Being able to see from the other persons point of view. Basically putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

It's incredible that this ability which is gained in early childhood which is supposed to expand during life into adulthood isn't learnt and developed by many.

The reason for many broken relationships, interpersonal conflicts, work place issue, broken friendships (of course these being small things) to bigger things like murders, wars and torture and many other horrendous acts of crimes are due to our inability to exercise "Perspective taking". A simple thing that was supposed to have been learnt and possibly may have been learnt but have not been expanded to many other critical areas of life is standing in the way of life itself.

As I mentioned before, perspective taking is being able to see if from the other person's point of view, vantage point and NOT from your own point of view. As in the exercise the child that can see the doll, were to see it only from her/his point of view, will always see the doll. But to understand that the other person cannot see the doll, the child has to release the grip he/she has on his/her own perspective and step onto the seat of the other child and see it from there without physically moving to the seat of the other child. It's a mental activity. It requires imagination, a willingness to let go, a willingness to see something different and to finally accept that there is an actual difference according to the other person.

All of the above actions take great empathy, compassion, love, patience, letting go of your own view, sense of pride and many more acts of generosity.

Now, unlike children when we grow up, some of the beautiful qualities that we inherently bring with us die with us in the growing up process. Some of the qualities are killed by our own loved ones and some other are destroyed by our own selves. But all are done in order for the so called "survival" and "protection"in society. But as ironic as it may sound, it is what causes the destruction of society but first and foremost through the destruction of the very being that subjects him or her self to such acts of selfish desires and stupidity.

Yes, they are acts of selfish desires and downright stupidity. The inability to take a perspective is totally drives by selfishness and lack of understanding. There are some who are unable to do this, due to illness such as mental disorders and lack of mental development but the rest of us have the ability at our disposal at all times but we do not use them because we are selfish and the selfishness is driven because we fail to understand that when we become selfish we cause the greatest harm to ourselves.

When we fail to see from other people eye's or take a walk in the shoes of another, we lose the opportunity to cultivate beautiful qualities of our own hearts like, compassion, love, empathy, letting go and get rid of negative emotional states such as ego, competition, hanging on to one's views and opinions, being stingy, being demanding or commanding etc. As a result we lose our chance to grow as a human. In that we become less. The energy we give to the world becomes less and negative. It's contracted instead expanded. Not magnanimous but contracted. So, this is the aura that we build around us.

If that's the aura we build around us, then we will attract similar aura's to ourselves as a result. So, we have a contracted aura we will attract contracted aura's to ourselves. So, beings, humans or otherwise will be attracted to us. Even karmic causes negativity will arise in the mind more and more as a result. This is the harm we first and foremost do to ourselves. Then this will impact those around us.

As I said before, lack of understanding of this leads people to do selfish things. So, a person who operates in this manner will do, say and think things that are hurtful and harmful to those who are around them. There will be conflict and and sadness, stemming from such acts of those who are unable to take perspectives. Basically, it's going to be unpleasant to stay around such people for a length of time. Because, they will always be right and the other person always wrong, even if they themselves are in the wrong there will be no acceptance as there is no understanding that what they do can cause hurt and harm to another. People will also generally would not tolerate such people. There will be complaints if they work at a workplace because they will not understand the impact of their actions and words.

On the other hand, those who are able to take perspective will cultivate positivity and wholesome qualities. So, they will have a positive aura around them. They will have a positive aura about them and people will feel sense of comfort in their presence. They will be easy to be with not because they are "fun" people but they genuinely care about the well-being and welfare of those who are around them. They will have less interpersonal conflict. Even if such cases were to arise a person who is able to take perspective will apologize, when they are in the wrong and make amends and take corrective actions instead of simply demanding the world to adjust themselves according to their views and opinions. They will be easier people to talk to since they will be able to step aside from perspectives they are holding and stay in limbo to listen to someonelses's views. A person who cannot is usually very rigid and will feel like a wall and as if nothing is going in.

All the above qualities makes it easier for people to have lasting relationships with a person who is able to take perspectives.

Of course, perspective taking should not be done only for one's convenience and benefit. I am quite sure there are politicians and business people who are pretty good at perspective taking but who are not sincere at all about the motives. This is not what I am talking about. I am talking about perspective taking which cuts across all boundaries and even one's own likes and dislikes. This brings us closer to nature and universal laws of all beings and a state of harmoniousness within and without oneself and with nature. A state which can bring one close to a state of great equilibrium which bring a great sense of ease and peace.