It took many years for me to realise what I felt many years ago, when I first met my then husband-to-be. Of course there was the thrill of meeting someone, the excitement of perhaps love or just simple wanting and being wanted. But I distinctly remember in the middle of it all, a huge weight slowly settling upon my heart, that was not there before.
I didn't know what it was. In fact I didn't recognise it for many years. But I only remember that there was something that didn't feel good, that seemed to land upon me overnight. It stayed with me for many years. It pulled me, pushed me around for many years. Brought me heartache, tears, endless yearning for many years. But I also recognised it as the same thing that also brought me happiness, great joy, love and comfort. So, I had to have it. There was no way that I could lose it. For if I did, I would be in utter misery.
After about 6 years of being the grip of this, I managed to get out of. It was like getting out of a prison. What freedom. Suddenly, my heart was free. The weight was lifted and I was not being pulled and pushed. The tears, heartaches, endless yearnings seemed to fall by the wayside all of a sudden. But there was one thing that was amazing in the middle of it all. I still had joy, love and comfort. This time round, it was not mixed up with all those negative emotions. This time around, these positive things tended to last much longer when the came around in my life. What a relief!
This got me thinking? What the hell happened?
Although it's been about 4 years since I've started feeling this way, it's only recently I recognised why this happend.
The burden that my heart felt all those years ago, was the burden of being bonded. The Buddha called this attachment and craving. I didn't know it consciously but somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind and heart I guess there was an inkling. Imagine that. A truth that was there all that time and I never saw it. Then when I managed to let go of that craving (perhaps the wanting to be loved, or the security of having someone or the fear of losing something) I was free. I was no longer bonded. This is the freedom Buddha spoke of all those years ago. This is the freedom I felt.
Miraculously, I still can love. I am still lovable. In fact, according to my husband, I am more lovable than I ever used to be. He also tells me that my love towards his has become less 'needy'. This is a wonderful insight.
For most part, all of us are bonded in our lives by our attachments and cravings. Love towards one another and to ourselves is the key to that bondage. It creates great suffering, distress, heartache, anger, fights in ourselves and amongst those around us. But all because we cannot separate love from craving.
Pure love does not carry with it any 'weight'. It's free. It like cotton flying in the wind. It's like a bird that can fly anywhere it wants. It frees the person that loves, and gives freedom to the person that is being loved. Neither is shackled by 'giving' or 'receiving' of that love.
But on the other hand love that has craving (and most of us who are not trained to love properly has certain amount of craving embedded in our love) carries a lot of 'weight'. It lacks freedom. It binds the person who loves as well as the person who is being loved. Both are in shackles. This love is clearly visible in all kinds of relationships. My relationships to my husband, my parents and myself had to a great extent craving embedded in them.
This creates expectations all around and when they are not met, distress, quarrels and when they are met joy. But when you drop the craving and learn to give love only, it has no expectations and then there are no distresses and quarrels and heartaches there is only joy.
Of course, I still have a long way to go but I have started my work and enjoyed it's fruits. I only realised what is really was only a few days ago. And I thought it was well worth blogging about since we all suffer from this phenomena.
Much peace and joy!
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