You can only give what you have

Last week when I was talking to my mother, I said to her that if one loves oneself in that one is protected and by that alone one protects the other. I was fascinated with what I said because I had not consciously thought of it that way. I probably would have had some kind of an inkling but never was it so out there for me like it was when I said it out loud to her.

So I contemplated on it a bit more. How was that possible? Was it real? Could it actually happen? I mean I practice loving kindness regularly. So, in my contemplation this is what I found.

When I love myself, I am complete. I am not talking about the kind of love that the world typically talks about. The word love is used so loosely that we think, our need for another is love. Actually it's not. Real love, is one that transcends our needs. It's the kind that gives without asking. It took me a long while to understand that. Once understood, to come to terms with the fact that my love was the needy kind of one was another matter. Now that I have come to understand that, to turn it around is another thing. To learn that it might become a life long process, is another tough learning. These things take time and it's incredibly tough to unlearn something that is soo deeply rooted. One cannot uproot it in one go, hence it destroys the essence of the very being itself. But one cannot live with it because it's like a slow growing cancer. So one must work on.

So in that process, I have learnt that love is not a needy thing. It can and should exist on it's own when properly developed. That love is the love you carry in you. It enables you to stand on your own. You don't need anyone else, approval or lack of it won't crumble you to pieces or put you back together again. That doesn't mean you are like a rock either. It means you are very malleable. Like clay, playdo. You are soft to the very core, you are able to feel to the very essence of everything there is but you are never crushed. Because your love holds you up like a raft floating on water. It's a beautiful thing.

When your own love towards yourself it this strong, you don't sink. No matter what the currents are you will bob up and down but you will come back up again. You begin to understand that you will come back up again even if you go under for a while. This is your protection. So you don't become dependent upon outside things and others be it material things or humans or any other thing. The less you become dependent the more stronger your raft becomes. And less you will go under.

How does this becomes someone else's protection? Well, most people cannot even handle themselves let along protect others. We think we can but we are not equipped for it.

Think about it. When we cannot find love in ourselves, we will be constantly looking for assurances outside. If don't get it from the sources we look for, we get upset, annoyed, disappointed...and all the emotions associated with it. Here we are left in the open ocean without a steady raft. Our raft has holes. We are going to drown in our emotions. When we get upset we take communicate that to others. May not be verbally..sometimes we do but other times we do it indirectly. We become aloof, we may resort to crying, depression, coldness, resentment, bitching and many other negative things rarely positive I can assure you, unless you have love.

So, when these emotions are perceived and felt by others there is conflict. It leads to many issues. So in essence you have hurt yourself and hurt the others as well. So neither is protected because you simply cannot even protect yourself. Those who think they can hide their emotions so well, are simply lying to themselves because it's only matter of time before the volcano erupts and everybody gets drowned in the burning lava.

But when there is love in ones heart, then first of all, you can stay without getting depressed. Even if people annoy you, bother you or do whatever that you don't like, you have plenty of love within you that will uphold you. Even if you may go down for a while like the raft, you will come back up again. When you do this a few times, you know it's only a matter of time. So a kind of comfort dawns in your heart. This allows you not to react to out side things. If people are rude to you, mad at you, shout at you, you realize that you don't have to. Because you don't need them to make you feel better. You have your own internal source of comfort which allows you to dig in.

So, people are not going to get usual reactions from you. you don't becomes a person who adds fuel to the fire in the least. This is the protection that you provide to others. You may not give intentional loving-kindness but in not reacting you create a space for silence to exist. In that there is time for others to clam down, if that could happen. Even if not, you have given yourself the space to enjoy a warm embrace of love that you have within your own self.

Isn't that a marvellous thing. In this world, where we are in constant search of things, outside, we don't have to run around like chicken with their heads cut off instead we can just be here with out own selves and be comforted in the presence of our own sense of well-being. I feel this is highest gift one can give oneself. In that you can give so much so the world.

The need to control

I am sitting in office and I feel knots in my stomach because I feel things are not moving according to the way I like them to. They are not that significant, I mean things could have been worse and more important things in my life could be beyond my control right now. But I am watching myself get tangled up in trivial things. At least the so called 'trivial' things. I guess they are no longer trivial, if they can unravel me this way. I am amazed at it.

Where does my need to control come from? Why are things that I once deemed unimportant create these knots in my stomach? If they are not important then should I not feel calm and a sense of 'it should not matter which way it turns". But I don't feel that way. Of course I did feel that way once but not now. So, somewhere, it has become significant, and has started giving a sense of 'me' and 'mine'. How does this happen? How did it come to this point without my noticing it?

Do things start to give a sense 'me' and 'mine', start giving a sense of 'importance' in ones life and in ones existence with pass of time, with lenth of association?! I am questioning right now. If so, how and what must I do or how should I approach things so that I don't get entnagled in them with or without my knowing.

I guess this is the same way a baby grows from an infant, in to a child and then an adult. They are not born with a sense of self, but as they grow, with time and with interaction within and without and investment, they begin to develop a sense of self and then it gets harder to separate the body from the process of mind. Mind and matter becomes one and the same or at least they are perceived and felt as one and cherished as one. So, letting go becomes harder. Fear, shame, uncertainty on the one hand and joy, pride, ego on the other hand grow without having to work on them.

I guess with most other things it's the same. What I feel right now for the things that I feel, is a process that has unfolded for a while. Without my knowing, it's created a root, a place of resting. This is crazy. Isn't this what I work towards to stop and now I find that the rust has gathered without even having to work at it. I am in shock. I know I shouldn't be. But I clearly feel it. I have been feeling and groping at it but unable to see it or understand it. But now I know it, I am in some way feel a relief but also a sense of shame. Shame, that I have missed the ball. Shame that I let my practice falter. Shame that I have taken the eye off the goal.

What do I do? How do I change this? I guess the realisation is a big one. But I cannot take refuge in it only. I must do more to make sure that I don't rest and nest like the way I do from now on. It's hard not to. I find that it's the most natural thing to do. To nest and rest. It feel good and comfortable. But only for a while. Like until now I felt the comfort of that resting and nesting and now the discomfort comes rearing it's head up. It's bound to happen. That's the truth.

And I bet I will find something else to rest again. Or I am sure I already have found something to rest and nest. I will only know that when I feel the pinch of it. Not to rest is to not to take comfort in things around me. If I am to do that I only can find comfort in my practice and that means I have to put more time and dedication, determination into my practice. It's a hard one. Taking rest in what is seemingly easy and lies outside and can be seen is easy. That's what I do and what I have done and will do, unless I continously see the pattern which I just realised.

It also makes one becomes ones own support. It's that what the Buddha said. But in some way it feels kinda lonley. But it's that what I feel right now. I mean it's not even gotten to that point but I am beggining to feel the signs of it. That's what it comes down to. You are your own support no matter what. Until you have become capable ot supporting your own self, you will always be at the mercy of other and circumstances. How could I have lost sight of such a glaring truth? I have lost my strength and my own support. I have in some ways allowed things to fall around me, by allowing myself to nest and rest. Instead I must continue to work and move on no matter what.

This is the purpose of my life. Towards me and others.

Hatred is never appeased by hatred!

I just happen to see the news that Gadafi, the former leader of Lybia has been killed. As I read through the news report on MSN, there were many quotes of celebration and happiness of taking down a brutal man who killed many and hurt many more. I do not disagree with the atrocities that he committed. But as I see the jubiliant quotes and words of happiness of those who hear that he finally died and those who came to see his dead body being paraded through the streets of Lybia, in my opinion, are no better or worse than Gadafi himself. They may have wanted the head of one or three men. But they still wanted someone dead.

I am unsure how cruelty of any kind justifies anyones behaviour no matter what has been committed against one. Because the moment, you take a weapon to take out the person who is holding the weapon you become the other person. No matter whether you call is freedom fighting, justice, call from 'God', self protection, you become the other person, even for a moment.

Let's tone down the situation. Let's take a normal household conflict with a close person; a work situation with a colleague, a school situation with a friend. If someone hurt us with an unkind word or action, what do we do? Are we going to retaliate? Are we going to show the other person what we are made out of? How much gas we have in our tank to take the battle? And then what? We may be fighting Gadafis' in our day to day life in many ways than we see or we wish to see. The fights may not be that cruel, deadly and vicious be they set in motion the similar emotions, anger, frustration, a need to take revenge, perhaps envy, greed for what the other person has and what we would like to have, hate, a need to establish our sense of self. Whatever the case maybe, we enagage in lesser or larger conflicts on a day to day basis in the same fashion and we want to 'WIN' and we want the other person to 'LOSE'. If that loss has public display the better it is.

Does that ever put an end to things? Is Gadafi's death going to bring the much needed peace and happiness to the people of Lybia? I hope so. But I don't believe that it's going the come as quickly and with the ease that they hoped it to. It will take year and perhaps even generation and perhaps there will be more people dead before that comes about.

So, the point is when we wish ill-will and harm on those who harm us, that inherently tends to corrupt us in return. It's like getting into a pile of shit, to squash a bunch of maggots. You are going to stink and probably get sick. That inherent corruption lies in you. It's like a parasite from the pile of shit getting into your skin and then infesting you with a disease. We get infested with anger, hatred and all the negative things we tried to crush in the first place. Then that's what gets spurted out from us as long as we live. People get mentally and physically sick and do weird things because they have been bitten by the parasites called anger, hatred, envy etc and they display symptoms like depression, mental deterioration, unhappiness, agitation, restlessness and many other.

This is, I believe, why the Buddha said that hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by forgiveness.

Well, all so easy for someone enlightened to say and do but for us so very hard to do. Because we will all want the other person to put down the gun first (just in case). This fear and the need to assert oneself is the greatest enemy for peace and harmony. I struggle with that so very frequently. But on occassions where I have put the gun down, even when the other person is holding it in my face (metaphorically speaking of course) there I have found harmony. Even is external harmony is difficult to reach, I know for sure I reach immediate internal harmony.

But even with that knowledge I struggle with putting the gun down first. So, I understand why people, want to celebrate the death of someone who has been cruel. I totally get it. I don't blame anyone for wanting it. It's a natural reponse we all have. But ultimately it hurts our own self. That much I know.

So, I hope, that if someone is reading this blog and that if the writings ring true for them, as hard as it might be, they would take the courage to be the one the put the gun down first. Perhaps the other person might fire or they might not. Perhaps there will be external peace and harmony. But gurantee there will be peace within you even if that is your last moment to live.

Without the tags and the lables

Recently my husband and I were watching the turmoil in wall street in the US. The people want their freedom. On the other hand the politicians who have been appointed to represent the people and their issues are fighting the typical party battles. When I saw this I told my husband that we ought to get rid of these party names, tag etc because that's what makes us forget why we are there in the first place. When we don't have a party name, when we are just part of the 'people' we belong to one cause be it 'freedom' or 'justice' or whatever you want to term. But the moment one puts a tag to oneself, the larger cause at hand gets forgotten.

Look at the middle easter crisis. When people were fighting for freedom from Mubarak, it didn't matter whehter they were Arab muslims, or christians, they all fought for the same freedom. Now that the freedom is won, people have forgotten that they are still on the same side. So, they are waging wars against one another. Muslims against christians. Man against woman. What a sad situation is that?

In some ways I see this in a marriage or in friendships or companies. When people get married they are in love and want to be together. But after they get married they forget that belong to one institution. They fight over and sqabbale over who is right and who is wrong, which family is better and whose family is nicer. But at the end of the day, they no longer belong to any of the families because they have joined to create a new family of their own. Wouldn't it be wonderful is people could assume a new married name once they are married instead of wife taking in the husband's name, which would indicate that they from the moment they get marries start a new life and a new instituation. Dropping any attachments to the old families they belong. Perhaps that might reduce some of the conflicts that arise due to the 'perception' that that belong to a group of people.

Why do we do this? I do not see this happening in any other place in nature. Whenever something new starts it continues as that new entity. It does not dig it's heels and refuses to move on because of where it came from. It does not refuses to becomes what it is destined to becomes because of the seed it grew from. But humans on the other hand, dig their heels in and refuses to embrace nature. The very being who was given by nature it's greatest assets refuses to embrace it and instead to wallow in the shackles of society, bars set in by those around them. I am in many ways amused and astonished by this. For I am a humans and I am subject to all of these limitations myself. And unless I watch myself with care and complete mindfulness I will succum to and be restricted by such shackles and bars.

These names, tags are pure man made creations. Not something nature has bestowed upon us. What we have created and be changed. So why are we living as we have no choice? We live under the tag of a man, a woman, a lesbian, a gay, a black man, or a democrat, a republican, a muslim, a buddhist, a christian. But noone has made us do that except us. But one might argue that society requires us to behave in an acceptable ways and to some degree we need to confirm. Perhaps...perhaps.

But that does not mean we need to be like sheep being shephard. When I identify myself as a woman and I live within that identity, I also limit myself in many ways. I limit myself physically...and perhaps there are genuine physical limitations but what of the mental capacities. Who is to say that a woman can or cannot do this and that. Same for a man. If I identify myself as a democrat, I again limit myself with what comes within that term 'democrat'. Aything beyond that that could enhance my thinking and that could benefit myself and the world and society at large is considered not agreeable because of the limitations I have set for myself.

So, as a result should I allow others to sufffer? Should I be someone that causes others limitations and asks others to live under the limited formula within which I have chosen to live? Where is the right of freedom to chose in this kind of thinking?

However, the moement I remove my tag of woman, man, lesbian, musliam I also remove the limitations and boundaries I have surrounded myself in. First and foremost I give myself the right to freedom. A word that is used like a plague in the modern world. But I beg to question from those who use it, whether they understand the essence of what freedom is and whether they themselves have it to begin with. When I rise above these tags, labels then I will be able to see something more than what I WANT to see. Or what I would LIKE to accept. In that could be a glimpse of freedom which should and can only come from being part of all.

Standing Alone!

I recently realised whatever the qualities that arise in our minds cannot sustain themselves unless we give them the power to sustain. I must have done this many many times in my meditations but the realisation only hit me a few days ago. But it only hit me in regards to unwholesome qualities. Because I had an unwholesome thought in my mind at the time. It was anger. I felt the anger arising in my mind. Along with that I also had the feeling that I ought not do anything but simply watch it. Something that I have done so many times over the last few years.

However, this time as I watched the anger and as anger gradually died away, I was struck by the understanding, that when left on their own, these qualities have no strength of their own. This is something I have seen a million times over the last few years but for the first time, I realised the power of letting things be and not trying. The real kind of 'letting go'. It was a powerful lesson for me. Of course until I sat down to write this blog, I only saw as it being unique to unwholesome qualities. While there was that nagging thought in my mind that something was not quite there, it was when I sat down to write the blog that it hit me, that all qualities irrespective of the value it carried cannot last unless ones gives it the momentum.

That is such a powerful understanding.

But I also realise that that momentum, comes without our knowing in the first place. From a deep seated need to just move on. Like waves in the ocean. When the water moves closer to the shore, it breaks automatically on it's own. There is no doer, no thinker. But it happens over and over again. Just the same when a thought appears, good or bad, there is that momentum that it comes with ultimately it disappears. But our thinking and adding fuels it to continue over and over again.

Our lack of awareness too makes it impossible to see the patterns so that we can simple allow it to pass. Or to even notice the stirring so that we can let it pass without adding more ripples to it.

This is one of the most fascinating things I came to see and understand. Of course to see as it unfolds is harder. To see as it unfolds and let it simple takes it course, when it's charge with an emotion, like a tsunami breaking, is even harder. But at least now I know.

The weight of bondage

It took many years for me to realise what I felt many years ago, when I first met my then husband-to-be. Of course there was the thrill of meeting someone, the excitement of perhaps love or just simple wanting and being wanted. But I distinctly remember in the middle of it all, a huge weight slowly settling upon my heart, that was not there before.

I didn't know what it was. In fact I didn't recognise it for many years. But I only remember that there was something that didn't feel good, that seemed to land upon me overnight. It stayed with me for many years. It pulled me, pushed me around for many years. Brought me heartache, tears, endless yearning for many years. But I also recognised it as the same thing that also brought me happiness, great joy, love and comfort. So, I had to have it. There was no way that I could lose it. For if I did, I would be in utter misery.

After about 6 years of being the grip of this, I managed to get out of. It was like getting out of a prison. What freedom. Suddenly, my heart was free. The weight was lifted and I was not being pulled and pushed. The tears, heartaches, endless yearnings seemed to fall by the wayside all of a sudden. But there was one thing that was amazing in the middle of it all. I still had joy, love and comfort. This time round, it was not mixed up with all those negative emotions. This time around, these positive things tended to last much longer when the came around in my life. What a relief!

This got me thinking? What the hell happened?

Although it's been about 4 years since I've started feeling this way, it's only recently I recognised why this happend.

The burden that my heart felt all those years ago, was the burden of being bonded. The Buddha called this attachment and craving. I didn't know it consciously but somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind and heart I guess there was an inkling. Imagine that. A truth that was there all that time and I never saw it. Then when I managed to let go of that craving (perhaps the wanting to be loved, or the security of having someone or the fear of losing something) I was free. I was no longer bonded. This is the freedom Buddha spoke of all those years ago. This is the freedom I felt.

Miraculously, I still can love. I am still lovable. In fact, according to my husband, I am more lovable than I ever used to be. He also tells me that my love towards his has become less 'needy'. This is a wonderful insight.

For most part, all of us are bonded in our lives by our attachments and cravings. Love towards one another and to ourselves is the key to that bondage. It creates great suffering, distress, heartache, anger, fights in ourselves and amongst those around us. But all because we cannot separate love from craving.

Pure love does not carry with it any 'weight'. It's free. It like cotton flying in the wind. It's like a bird that can fly anywhere it wants. It frees the person that loves, and gives freedom to the person that is being loved. Neither is shackled by 'giving' or 'receiving' of that love.

But on the other hand love that has craving (and most of us who are not trained to love properly has certain amount of craving embedded in our love) carries a lot of 'weight'. It lacks freedom. It binds the person who loves as well as the person who is being loved. Both are in shackles. This love is clearly visible in all kinds of relationships. My relationships to my husband, my parents and myself had to a great extent craving embedded in them.

This creates expectations all around and when they are not met, distress, quarrels and when they are met joy. But when you drop the craving and learn to give love only, it has no expectations and then there are no distresses and quarrels and heartaches there is only joy.

Of course, I still have a long way to go but I have started my work and enjoyed it's fruits. I only realised what is really was only a few days ago. And I thought it was well worth blogging about since we all suffer from this phenomena.

Much peace and joy!

Building the house of Peace!

I was talking to my mother today morning and I shared something with her that I thought was worth writing in my blog.

We were, as always, talking about the path of liberation. My mother is very devoted to Buddha. I think she has much more faith in the Triple Gem and listens to a lot of Dhamma. She is very much versed in the Dhamma. However, she is not as well versed as she is in her practice of the Dhamma as she is in her knowledge of it.

So, I at one point of the conversation, analogised it to a foundation without a house. My mom is a person who has maintained her 5 precepts most of her life. She may have strayed from it intentionally a few times but she those times are few and rare. Keeping the 5 precepts is the foundation of all lay Buddhists. It helps to build the Noble Eightfold Path. So, I was telling my mother that she has a strong foundation but on it, there is skeletons of a house but no walls and roof.

So, if someone, builds a foundation and skeletons of walls, and they move into the house, what will happen? Can they live in it? Where will they keep their furniture? Even if they do, what will happen to them, from the cold, the sun, the heat or from thieves? They are going to be constantly harassed by outside environment elements as well as physical elements right?! Yes, of course. In order to be protected, they need to at least put up the walls, a roof and doors and windows and appropriate coverings and securings before they can sleep peacefully in the security of their home. Until then, they are going to be restless and worried.

In the same way, our peace of mind has to be build, guarded and protected. For that we cannot use wood, cement or glass or concrete. To build peace of mind we need to cultivate a spiritual path. The Buddha taught us this path. The start of this is the 5 precepts. It's like the foundation of our homes. So, we lay a strong foundation that does not wobble. Once it's done, we have to start building the house; it's walls, roof, windows, doors etc. This is done by cultivating the Noble Eightfold Path. It not done in the successive manner it's taught in the scriptures but instead it's done in a circular manner. Every little bit counts and contributes. But anything that goes against the path, also inhibits any progress we make too. It's like taking two steps forward and one step back. So, in order to move forward with speed, we have to ensure we take rapid steps in the right direction and that we don't take steps or we take less steps in the wrong direction. Otherwise we, reverse or slow down the progress.

It's like when we build a house, we must all work together towards building it. If people start falling sick, or material doesn't turn up on time, or things don't get build according to plan, or the plan is not good, work stalls. It's more or less the same thing in spiritual practice.

So, as we cultivate the Noble eightfold path we build the house and then gradually we can move into the house. To the extend it's complete, to that extent we are protected from the outside. For example, if the roof is not properly done, then the house will have leaks. In the same way, when we have not yet fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path, we will be disturbed by things like anger, worry, restlessness, desire, aversion, greed, sadness, misery, wanting, dislike and many other emotions that would create problems for us.

But when the house is complete just like the owners can safely rest and have a nice peaceful time inside it, when one day a person fully cultivates the Noble Eightfold Path, then that person will have total peace in their hearts. Just like no rain or heat or thieves can disturb, a person who has fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path will not be disturbed what goes on in the outside world. They will always be at peace in the peace of their own hearts.