Hatred is never appeased by hatred!

I just happen to see the news that Gadafi, the former leader of Lybia has been killed. As I read through the news report on MSN, there were many quotes of celebration and happiness of taking down a brutal man who killed many and hurt many more. I do not disagree with the atrocities that he committed. But as I see the jubiliant quotes and words of happiness of those who hear that he finally died and those who came to see his dead body being paraded through the streets of Lybia, in my opinion, are no better or worse than Gadafi himself. They may have wanted the head of one or three men. But they still wanted someone dead.

I am unsure how cruelty of any kind justifies anyones behaviour no matter what has been committed against one. Because the moment, you take a weapon to take out the person who is holding the weapon you become the other person. No matter whether you call is freedom fighting, justice, call from 'God', self protection, you become the other person, even for a moment.

Let's tone down the situation. Let's take a normal household conflict with a close person; a work situation with a colleague, a school situation with a friend. If someone hurt us with an unkind word or action, what do we do? Are we going to retaliate? Are we going to show the other person what we are made out of? How much gas we have in our tank to take the battle? And then what? We may be fighting Gadafis' in our day to day life in many ways than we see or we wish to see. The fights may not be that cruel, deadly and vicious be they set in motion the similar emotions, anger, frustration, a need to take revenge, perhaps envy, greed for what the other person has and what we would like to have, hate, a need to establish our sense of self. Whatever the case maybe, we enagage in lesser or larger conflicts on a day to day basis in the same fashion and we want to 'WIN' and we want the other person to 'LOSE'. If that loss has public display the better it is.

Does that ever put an end to things? Is Gadafi's death going to bring the much needed peace and happiness to the people of Lybia? I hope so. But I don't believe that it's going the come as quickly and with the ease that they hoped it to. It will take year and perhaps even generation and perhaps there will be more people dead before that comes about.

So, the point is when we wish ill-will and harm on those who harm us, that inherently tends to corrupt us in return. It's like getting into a pile of shit, to squash a bunch of maggots. You are going to stink and probably get sick. That inherent corruption lies in you. It's like a parasite from the pile of shit getting into your skin and then infesting you with a disease. We get infested with anger, hatred and all the negative things we tried to crush in the first place. Then that's what gets spurted out from us as long as we live. People get mentally and physically sick and do weird things because they have been bitten by the parasites called anger, hatred, envy etc and they display symptoms like depression, mental deterioration, unhappiness, agitation, restlessness and many other.

This is, I believe, why the Buddha said that hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by forgiveness.

Well, all so easy for someone enlightened to say and do but for us so very hard to do. Because we will all want the other person to put down the gun first (just in case). This fear and the need to assert oneself is the greatest enemy for peace and harmony. I struggle with that so very frequently. But on occassions where I have put the gun down, even when the other person is holding it in my face (metaphorically speaking of course) there I have found harmony. Even is external harmony is difficult to reach, I know for sure I reach immediate internal harmony.

But even with that knowledge I struggle with putting the gun down first. So, I understand why people, want to celebrate the death of someone who has been cruel. I totally get it. I don't blame anyone for wanting it. It's a natural reponse we all have. But ultimately it hurts our own self. That much I know.

So, I hope, that if someone is reading this blog and that if the writings ring true for them, as hard as it might be, they would take the courage to be the one the put the gun down first. Perhaps the other person might fire or they might not. Perhaps there will be external peace and harmony. But gurantee there will be peace within you even if that is your last moment to live.

Without the tags and the lables

Recently my husband and I were watching the turmoil in wall street in the US. The people want their freedom. On the other hand the politicians who have been appointed to represent the people and their issues are fighting the typical party battles. When I saw this I told my husband that we ought to get rid of these party names, tag etc because that's what makes us forget why we are there in the first place. When we don't have a party name, when we are just part of the 'people' we belong to one cause be it 'freedom' or 'justice' or whatever you want to term. But the moment one puts a tag to oneself, the larger cause at hand gets forgotten.

Look at the middle easter crisis. When people were fighting for freedom from Mubarak, it didn't matter whehter they were Arab muslims, or christians, they all fought for the same freedom. Now that the freedom is won, people have forgotten that they are still on the same side. So, they are waging wars against one another. Muslims against christians. Man against woman. What a sad situation is that?

In some ways I see this in a marriage or in friendships or companies. When people get married they are in love and want to be together. But after they get married they forget that belong to one institution. They fight over and sqabbale over who is right and who is wrong, which family is better and whose family is nicer. But at the end of the day, they no longer belong to any of the families because they have joined to create a new family of their own. Wouldn't it be wonderful is people could assume a new married name once they are married instead of wife taking in the husband's name, which would indicate that they from the moment they get marries start a new life and a new instituation. Dropping any attachments to the old families they belong. Perhaps that might reduce some of the conflicts that arise due to the 'perception' that that belong to a group of people.

Why do we do this? I do not see this happening in any other place in nature. Whenever something new starts it continues as that new entity. It does not dig it's heels and refuses to move on because of where it came from. It does not refuses to becomes what it is destined to becomes because of the seed it grew from. But humans on the other hand, dig their heels in and refuses to embrace nature. The very being who was given by nature it's greatest assets refuses to embrace it and instead to wallow in the shackles of society, bars set in by those around them. I am in many ways amused and astonished by this. For I am a humans and I am subject to all of these limitations myself. And unless I watch myself with care and complete mindfulness I will succum to and be restricted by such shackles and bars.

These names, tags are pure man made creations. Not something nature has bestowed upon us. What we have created and be changed. So why are we living as we have no choice? We live under the tag of a man, a woman, a lesbian, a gay, a black man, or a democrat, a republican, a muslim, a buddhist, a christian. But noone has made us do that except us. But one might argue that society requires us to behave in an acceptable ways and to some degree we need to confirm. Perhaps...perhaps.

But that does not mean we need to be like sheep being shephard. When I identify myself as a woman and I live within that identity, I also limit myself in many ways. I limit myself physically...and perhaps there are genuine physical limitations but what of the mental capacities. Who is to say that a woman can or cannot do this and that. Same for a man. If I identify myself as a democrat, I again limit myself with what comes within that term 'democrat'. Aything beyond that that could enhance my thinking and that could benefit myself and the world and society at large is considered not agreeable because of the limitations I have set for myself.

So, as a result should I allow others to sufffer? Should I be someone that causes others limitations and asks others to live under the limited formula within which I have chosen to live? Where is the right of freedom to chose in this kind of thinking?

However, the moement I remove my tag of woman, man, lesbian, musliam I also remove the limitations and boundaries I have surrounded myself in. First and foremost I give myself the right to freedom. A word that is used like a plague in the modern world. But I beg to question from those who use it, whether they understand the essence of what freedom is and whether they themselves have it to begin with. When I rise above these tags, labels then I will be able to see something more than what I WANT to see. Or what I would LIKE to accept. In that could be a glimpse of freedom which should and can only come from being part of all.

Standing Alone!

I recently realised whatever the qualities that arise in our minds cannot sustain themselves unless we give them the power to sustain. I must have done this many many times in my meditations but the realisation only hit me a few days ago. But it only hit me in regards to unwholesome qualities. Because I had an unwholesome thought in my mind at the time. It was anger. I felt the anger arising in my mind. Along with that I also had the feeling that I ought not do anything but simply watch it. Something that I have done so many times over the last few years.

However, this time as I watched the anger and as anger gradually died away, I was struck by the understanding, that when left on their own, these qualities have no strength of their own. This is something I have seen a million times over the last few years but for the first time, I realised the power of letting things be and not trying. The real kind of 'letting go'. It was a powerful lesson for me. Of course until I sat down to write this blog, I only saw as it being unique to unwholesome qualities. While there was that nagging thought in my mind that something was not quite there, it was when I sat down to write the blog that it hit me, that all qualities irrespective of the value it carried cannot last unless ones gives it the momentum.

That is such a powerful understanding.

But I also realise that that momentum, comes without our knowing in the first place. From a deep seated need to just move on. Like waves in the ocean. When the water moves closer to the shore, it breaks automatically on it's own. There is no doer, no thinker. But it happens over and over again. Just the same when a thought appears, good or bad, there is that momentum that it comes with ultimately it disappears. But our thinking and adding fuels it to continue over and over again.

Our lack of awareness too makes it impossible to see the patterns so that we can simple allow it to pass. Or to even notice the stirring so that we can let it pass without adding more ripples to it.

This is one of the most fascinating things I came to see and understand. Of course to see as it unfolds is harder. To see as it unfolds and let it simple takes it course, when it's charge with an emotion, like a tsunami breaking, is even harder. But at least now I know.

The weight of bondage

It took many years for me to realise what I felt many years ago, when I first met my then husband-to-be. Of course there was the thrill of meeting someone, the excitement of perhaps love or just simple wanting and being wanted. But I distinctly remember in the middle of it all, a huge weight slowly settling upon my heart, that was not there before.

I didn't know what it was. In fact I didn't recognise it for many years. But I only remember that there was something that didn't feel good, that seemed to land upon me overnight. It stayed with me for many years. It pulled me, pushed me around for many years. Brought me heartache, tears, endless yearning for many years. But I also recognised it as the same thing that also brought me happiness, great joy, love and comfort. So, I had to have it. There was no way that I could lose it. For if I did, I would be in utter misery.

After about 6 years of being the grip of this, I managed to get out of. It was like getting out of a prison. What freedom. Suddenly, my heart was free. The weight was lifted and I was not being pulled and pushed. The tears, heartaches, endless yearnings seemed to fall by the wayside all of a sudden. But there was one thing that was amazing in the middle of it all. I still had joy, love and comfort. This time round, it was not mixed up with all those negative emotions. This time around, these positive things tended to last much longer when the came around in my life. What a relief!

This got me thinking? What the hell happened?

Although it's been about 4 years since I've started feeling this way, it's only recently I recognised why this happend.

The burden that my heart felt all those years ago, was the burden of being bonded. The Buddha called this attachment and craving. I didn't know it consciously but somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind and heart I guess there was an inkling. Imagine that. A truth that was there all that time and I never saw it. Then when I managed to let go of that craving (perhaps the wanting to be loved, or the security of having someone or the fear of losing something) I was free. I was no longer bonded. This is the freedom Buddha spoke of all those years ago. This is the freedom I felt.

Miraculously, I still can love. I am still lovable. In fact, according to my husband, I am more lovable than I ever used to be. He also tells me that my love towards his has become less 'needy'. This is a wonderful insight.

For most part, all of us are bonded in our lives by our attachments and cravings. Love towards one another and to ourselves is the key to that bondage. It creates great suffering, distress, heartache, anger, fights in ourselves and amongst those around us. But all because we cannot separate love from craving.

Pure love does not carry with it any 'weight'. It's free. It like cotton flying in the wind. It's like a bird that can fly anywhere it wants. It frees the person that loves, and gives freedom to the person that is being loved. Neither is shackled by 'giving' or 'receiving' of that love.

But on the other hand love that has craving (and most of us who are not trained to love properly has certain amount of craving embedded in our love) carries a lot of 'weight'. It lacks freedom. It binds the person who loves as well as the person who is being loved. Both are in shackles. This love is clearly visible in all kinds of relationships. My relationships to my husband, my parents and myself had to a great extent craving embedded in them.

This creates expectations all around and when they are not met, distress, quarrels and when they are met joy. But when you drop the craving and learn to give love only, it has no expectations and then there are no distresses and quarrels and heartaches there is only joy.

Of course, I still have a long way to go but I have started my work and enjoyed it's fruits. I only realised what is really was only a few days ago. And I thought it was well worth blogging about since we all suffer from this phenomena.

Much peace and joy!

Building the house of Peace!

I was talking to my mother today morning and I shared something with her that I thought was worth writing in my blog.

We were, as always, talking about the path of liberation. My mother is very devoted to Buddha. I think she has much more faith in the Triple Gem and listens to a lot of Dhamma. She is very much versed in the Dhamma. However, she is not as well versed as she is in her practice of the Dhamma as she is in her knowledge of it.

So, I at one point of the conversation, analogised it to a foundation without a house. My mom is a person who has maintained her 5 precepts most of her life. She may have strayed from it intentionally a few times but she those times are few and rare. Keeping the 5 precepts is the foundation of all lay Buddhists. It helps to build the Noble Eightfold Path. So, I was telling my mother that she has a strong foundation but on it, there is skeletons of a house but no walls and roof.

So, if someone, builds a foundation and skeletons of walls, and they move into the house, what will happen? Can they live in it? Where will they keep their furniture? Even if they do, what will happen to them, from the cold, the sun, the heat or from thieves? They are going to be constantly harassed by outside environment elements as well as physical elements right?! Yes, of course. In order to be protected, they need to at least put up the walls, a roof and doors and windows and appropriate coverings and securings before they can sleep peacefully in the security of their home. Until then, they are going to be restless and worried.

In the same way, our peace of mind has to be build, guarded and protected. For that we cannot use wood, cement or glass or concrete. To build peace of mind we need to cultivate a spiritual path. The Buddha taught us this path. The start of this is the 5 precepts. It's like the foundation of our homes. So, we lay a strong foundation that does not wobble. Once it's done, we have to start building the house; it's walls, roof, windows, doors etc. This is done by cultivating the Noble Eightfold Path. It not done in the successive manner it's taught in the scriptures but instead it's done in a circular manner. Every little bit counts and contributes. But anything that goes against the path, also inhibits any progress we make too. It's like taking two steps forward and one step back. So, in order to move forward with speed, we have to ensure we take rapid steps in the right direction and that we don't take steps or we take less steps in the wrong direction. Otherwise we, reverse or slow down the progress.

It's like when we build a house, we must all work together towards building it. If people start falling sick, or material doesn't turn up on time, or things don't get build according to plan, or the plan is not good, work stalls. It's more or less the same thing in spiritual practice.

So, as we cultivate the Noble eightfold path we build the house and then gradually we can move into the house. To the extend it's complete, to that extent we are protected from the outside. For example, if the roof is not properly done, then the house will have leaks. In the same way, when we have not yet fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path, we will be disturbed by things like anger, worry, restlessness, desire, aversion, greed, sadness, misery, wanting, dislike and many other emotions that would create problems for us.

But when the house is complete just like the owners can safely rest and have a nice peaceful time inside it, when one day a person fully cultivates the Noble Eightfold Path, then that person will have total peace in their hearts. Just like no rain or heat or thieves can disturb, a person who has fully cultivated the Noble Eightfold Path will not be disturbed what goes on in the outside world. They will always be at peace in the peace of their own hearts.

As water flows so does everything

I have had a love, hate relationship with water for many years. I could not swim and this was a major reason. But I still cannot swim but I am not scared of water as much as I used be. So, over the past 4 years I have become less paralysed by water so that I could enjoy water activities like getting into a pool, kayaking, canoeing and I recently went whitewater rafting.

Water has taught me great many lessons about life apart from over coming my paralysing fear of it.

Water has a natural quality of flowing. It flows through everything. Even through hard rocks. I remember walking through some tunnels in Jasper, Alberta carved by water. The water no long flows through them but they certainely used to. It also has a way of finding it's way. I remember reading that water stopped flowing because of some geological changes and that after a while it carved out a new way for it to flow. So now it has a new direction to flow. Probably, many years later, if that avenue closes it door, water will find another direction. It never stops flowing. I find that a lovely quality. Our life is the same. It too flows, just like water. It has to flow, otherwise we fail in our own growth.

But in that journey, it encounters obstacles, some hard and others easy. Through it all life must find a way. It can find a way. It's ironic that I find myself getting bogged down with difficulties in life and sometimes attached to plesant things. If my life is like water I need to cultivate the ability walk past both because getting bogged down and getting attached are both hazards. They will both hinder my natural flow of life.

Another quality I see in water is it's state of balance. I don't know much science behind water currents and waves and etc. But this time when we went whitewater rafting, I realised that one can to some degree work with the flows and currents of water to guide the raft through. While the water looks out of control and scary, there seem to be some patters to it that if one know how to, can guide through it. I think, this quite similar to life. As Ajhan Brahm says, life is out of control so relax and enjoy the ride. I believe him to be correct now after my own experieces of it. I think we try to control and manouver life too much instead of flowing with it's tides, it's currents and patters. It has it's own ways and we need to work with it's patters to stay afloat. Most of us forget that and that I believe is the reason why we stress out so much, get in to problems unnecessarily. We just need to relax and join in the ride!

I also find disturbances in water whether they are as huge as tsunamis or as small as ripples are also interesting teachers. I think ripples are like our normal day-to-day emotions-both negative and positive. Ripples happen when the water is disturbed by an object. Just like ripples, when the mind encounters an object, it creates a wave in the positive or the negative direction. Ripples don't last forever. They arise and they gradually lose it's intensity and die. So do our emotions be they positive or negative. But we mess around with these naturally arising emotions. We hold on to our emotions by wanting more of it or wanting less of it. It's like the water not letting go of a ripples. What a mess that would be?! So, we essentially create a mess in ourselves. Instead trying to grab hold of our emotions or get rid of our emotions, we must simpley let them arise and let them cease just like ripples. How peaceful life would be if only we learnt to do that.

A tsunamis of emotions?! Well that's a hard one. Well I guess that's when people hurt themselves and others in very harmful ways.

You know how if water gathers in one place, it creates breeding grounds for mosquitoes and usually harmful things for humans. Well, I see life in the same way. When we hold our life, by way of not forgiving, not letting go, trying to control, I see that we essentially block our flow of life and make it a breeding ground for basically greed, hatred and delusion.

Water is pure and can benefit all. So can life if used well. Water has taught me many lessons. While there are many to share, I shall leave the rest for those who read to fill. I think I have become less scared of water partly because I see how much it's connected to life.

The most important relationship to cultivate

On our way from our vacation in July 2011, my husband and I were talking about our relationship. How I got to this point I don't remember, but I started saying to him that one ought to cultivate a strong relationship with oneself. He rebutted saying that it's just a conventional saying and that there cannot be a relationship with oneself because a relationship by definition has to be between two people. Well, what follows and more is what's in this blog.

The convention really is that we think that a relationship is between two people. Perhaps the definitions state that relationships have to be between two people. I don't know because I haven't looked up the definition. But I know that it's possible to have a relationship with oneself. Because I have one. Over the past few years I have actively cultivated and developed and nourished that relationship that I feel a sense of comfort in "my own skin" so to speak. This is what I started to talk to my husband about. I don't think he understood me, or so where I was coming from because he decided to get distracted by some police cop following him. So I shut up half way through the conversation and then the police cop suddenly stopped following him.

Anyway, back to my blog. Yes, it is possible and one must cultivate a relationship with oneself. It's like having a constant companion, a best friend. It's no different to establishing a friendship. But unlike a friend, who is outside of yourself, who will always change, go away, and do all the things that you might not want them to, if you cultivate a relationship with yourself, I have found that, that friendship is most likely to be at your side almost all of the time. There is that guarantee that wherever you go, you carry yourself with you. Whatever you do, you are always with you. You don't have to wait, you don't have to call someone up, there is no hoping or waiting, it's always there. But you must cultivate yourself to be by your side the way you want it to be.

For example, a few years ago, when I would feel sad, I would simply feel sad. I would cry, feel depressed. I needed someone else to make me feel good. I needed something else to get me out of my unhappiness. Now after a few years of cultivating a friendship with myself, I find that during times of unhappiness, sadness, there is a sense of comfort that I can find within myself. I can feel strong on my own.

A few years ago, when I would get angry, I would simply be over come with anger. It was like a tornado ripping through my heart, mind and body. Such devastation. Now, when I feel anger, I can feel a sense of calm slowly coming into myself. A quiet voice, a softening of the winds that rip through my mind, heart and body. Then a gradual lessening of a heat and then a peace as if someone has stroked and taken the storms away.

When I am confused, I used to stay in my confusion not knowing what to do. I could not feel energy, sometimes for days. But now, when I feel confusion, there is a sense that someone is at work with gusto. A relishing of the confusion because there is a knowing that this is a great working ground from which much can be learnt from and much growth can be achieved. It's like a good, kind and wise friend who guides you through a complex math problem or a life issue and you take comfort and assurance that you are going to come out alright and safe and that you are going to find the solutions.

In the same way, when I used to make mistakes, I used to be hard on myself...in fact I don't think I saw myself as being able to make mistakes in the first place. I always saw myself to be perfect and so capable. But now I am so comfortable in just being who I am. I don't have to be perfect for myself or for anyone else. I don't mind making a mistake because there is none to please (of course I am talking in comparison to what I was before to now not in absolute). So, I feel much at ease with myself and with things at large.

I like being with myself. I have fun no matter what I do even if it means just sitting doing nothing. I am kind to myself, especially when I am tired and weary. I am considerate about my mental and physical well-being. I will not push myself for the sake of pushing it. I love myself above all. Not in a selfish way but with a knowledge that only through that love that I will be able to sustain the love I have for anyone or anything in this world. I listen to myself like I have never done before. There were times when I used pass on my own instincts and then feel utterly useless for not having listened to it. Now I do not let myself down. I trust myself at all costs.

In doing this, cultivating a relationship with myself, I have been able to become more solid and harmonious in my relationships with others and the world.

I used to be more awkward and uncomfortable in social settings. I would do it because I had to. Even when I did it, there was a certain amount of "tongue tightness" about me that I felt within me. But because I have come to accept myself so much and feel at ease with who I am and my strengths and limitations (if I were to call them), I don't feel awkward anymore. Because I have with myself at all times, even when outside conditions are not what really what I would like to I find that I adjust accordingly so that I get the best that I could so that things become positive for me. As a result I am less complaining about things as well.

I have realised that whatever the relationship that you have with yourself is what is shown outside in the world. It's unfortunate that we don't take time to cultivate that most important relationship of all. Because many people look outside and try to adjust the world so that they could become happy. But it's not the problem of the world. The problem is right there in themselves. If only they adjusted the way they related to the world, then they would feel much at ease in it. But in order to do that, they first of all need to feel at ease within themselves.

In order to feel at ease within oneself, one has first cultivate a positive and wholesome relationship with oneself.

The Buddha's path shows us how to cultivate this very effectively. Things like metta, karuna, muditha and uppkea, if rightly understood and practiced can created a wonderful sense of well-being within oneself which can then get translated into how one interacts with the rest of the world. In that a great healing can take place.

So, while I was not able to have a conversation with my husband on the most relationship to develop, I have had that conversation many times with myself and now I have shared this in this blog. I hope it would be of benefit to whoever reads it to cultivate a positive relationship with your own self.