Being needy and dealing with being needy

We have all kinds of needs: need for food, clothes, a roof over our heads, need for a job, money, entertainment and many more external needs. Internally we need to be desired, loved, cared for, we have a need to maintain a sense of who we are and again many more internal needs. They all wary from one person to another. But all of us have a deep desire to be needed whether we want to believe that or not.

 

In  the absence of 'being' needed we will feel a sense of uselessness, a sense of not being worthy even. Some people even go to the extent of calling this "not being loved".

 

Having certain amount of basic needs and having them fulfilled is required for the mental and physical well-being of a human being. But no one can and should condone wanting to be needed/being needy and trying to have that void filled. This is dangerous: to ones own well-being and the well-being of those who are around them to start off with.

 

So, let me investigate what it means to be "needy". This is a state of mental ill-being. We become needy, when we lack something within ourselves and we aspire to have that filled with something. It could be something external like food (eating excessively or binge eating or being a shopaholic or workaholic) or something like having a child, a pet or a garden. However, most of us don't see it this way. We don't see it for what it is, because we don't posses clarity to own selves and our intentions. Who will see that they have a void to be filled. No one!

 

Of course that does not mean that those who have a child, a pet or a garden have those in order to fill a need. Of course not. But in the surest way to know whether any of these things fill a void or not is to see our own behaviour toward these things.

 

The moment we have something because we have to fill our neediness, we will become over protective of that very thing. That is because of our fear of loss. We fear that if the that thing is lost or taken away from us, we will no longer feel "full" or "complete".

 

We will also recognise it as more important that anything else in the world and lose perspective. If it's our pet cat or dog, then no matter how destructive it is, there is no better cat/dog in the world. Some might even be cruel to other cats or dogs that might show aggression  towards your own pet because one has failed to recognize the reality of the way the animals behave towards one another. Or if it is a child, then the mother or father can get so defensive about their own child that they would not even notice the bad behaviours of their own children and harm they cause others. As a result fail to recognise a development opportunity of their own children and fail to address them at the appropriate time.

 

We also tend to use it to build more and more of our own sense of self. So, if it is a child then we are more likely to demand things out of it. In a situation where the child doesn't live accordingly or doesn't fill our wishes we will feel sense of being 'let down'. The typical outcome would be resentment from the child and distancing. While this is the exact opposite of what the parent or the person who is being needy wants, they are unable to stop themselves, because their first priority is to "fill a void" within themselves. So, even at the cost of harm all around they might tend to keep at the harmful behaviours.

 

Another sign of your own neediness, is showing that you are the victim, in the absence of love, affection and security from the other person. This is a natural behaviour of someone who is needy. Their perception will for the most part be of that of a victim. Because they fail to recognise their own emotional black hole, they will have the tendencies to feel lack of self esteem, frequent episodes of sadness, depressive thoughts and they will think that it is the lack of love, affection from others that make them feel that way. The behaviour that would come out from such people would be to say things that make the other feel bad and responsible for their lack of well-being.

 

What I have also come to see is that people who are needy, are also comfortable around those who are needy. Because it fuels and sustains one another. A person who is needy will not feel too comfortable around someone who is self sustainable because that person will not have a need for another: emotionally or physically. Therefore, the other person will feel a sense of "I am not needed" and that would not make them feel good. People who are needy want others to be needy so that they can be readily available to "HELP". While this looks like a great act of generosity, it  is NOT because in reality is a downward spiral. Both drags the other down in the mutual, comforting interactions.

 

So, being needy is not good. We not only need to recognise it in our own selves but also in others. But the start has be in our selves for without that recognition we cannot begin to see that of the other.

 

The recognition of it is the start point of coming to a closure. We are all needy to some degree or the other. But that does not mean that we can measure it and say "Oh I am not that needy". It can get out of control at anytime. Human carving is so bad that we can topple either way with the right or wrong situations or associations.

 

Once recognised, we need to consciously wean ourselves off. What I have done over the years are with simple things. I don't try to start off with difficult things. I start things like food, TV, or need to buy or need NOT to exercise or meditate. I ensure that that if it is food that I have a need for, that their is reduction in the amount and the number of times I consume it in a week. If it is something I don't want to do, then I increase it. I do that until it become part of my routine. As I start these external things, I move inward.

 

I look at my emotional neediness. The things that I feel I had a need to sustain my emotional needs. I have mental notes of the most important things: not more than 3-5 things. I work on reducing  my need on them and associate feelings of "I don't feel loved" or "I am not wanted" or "Oh shit the world is going to fall apart". Slowly but gradually the hold on these things on your own emotional well-being come to cease a bit by bit. Along with that the sting of your "neediness" to tend to dissipate.

 

When I need people who are needy, I do exactly what I do with myself. I don't give into them bit by bit. Depending on how much interaction I am required or their level of importance and the level of neediness I might remove my "giving in" all of a sudden or gradually. If I have low interaction and their status in my life is low, then I remove my "giving in" gradually. This is because their is little threat from them to my own well-being. But if their interaction can be very high and their status is also very high, then I remove my "giving in" very quickly because, they can be like leeches. Before you know it, life it sucked out of you. And the rest is in between.

 

So these are my thoughts and I have found them to be very useful so far.

   

Fearlessness

The Buddha is said to posses the quality of fearlessness and is also said to give fearlessness to others. There is a pose in which he is standing with his left hand raised as if to pardon someone, which apparently is the pose of fearlessness. During the recent years of my practice, this notion of fearless has arisen in my meditation and contemplations many a times. Today was one such day.

 

When I was contemplating his fearlessness, for the first time it struck me that it his sense of fearlessness that creates a sense of fearlessness in others. I am sure this is very obvious and may have even crossed my mind a million times before. But never had it made quite the impact as it did today. So, because He, within himself, was totally without fear for anyone or in any situation, anyone or any situation didn't have to fear the Buddha in return. Isn't that amazing? So I dug deep a bit more. What does this mean?

 

When one is fearless, in the face of a threat even to ones own self, which is the most precious item one seemingly possesses, there will not arise a defence mechanism. There is no defensive action verbally, physically and most importantly mentally. Basically in scientific terms, there is no reaction except for the sense of threat. The reaction becomes the action for which the external world will respond to as a counteractive reaction. For example, there is a snake and it's about to strike because it has seen a human (let's say the Buddha). But the Buddha does not react in fear of the snake. So the snake does not feel threatened back or fear. So, the most likely scenario is that the snake will not strike. On the other hand if it's a normal human being, they see a snake, they react in fear. Because of the action of 'fear' the snake may try to strike him/her.

 

So, I applied this to myself and the world around me. We are habitually pronged to react. Especially in situations and to people that threatens us. It does not have to be a threat to our physical well-being. It could be just a perception of a threat to our views, opinions, our way of life, what we like and dislike....very insignificant things. But of course they becomes huge because any perceived threat/challenge to any of the above things is a very threat to who we are. So, we will stand up to protect ourselves. Thus creating a chain of events which can cascade into verbal arguments, physical fights, falling outs and even wars. Now if not for our reactions, the chain of events would not have unfolded in the first place. But our own fear itself, propells a chain of events that for most of us feel is "world is coming down on us" when in fact it is us who is coming down on the world...do you get the trend here.

 

So really, we have noone else to blame but ourselves. But I feel 'blame' is not an appropriate word to use since it creates fear within oneself. In the spiritual path or any path it's an unwholesome quality. But for practical purposes I shall pen down the word 'blame'.

 

The natural way of the world is to eradicate the threats. But this is not the way. The way is to eradicate your own need to react to the threats be it internal or external. It's counter intuitive. But that is what I felt today was what 'fearlessness' was all about. If I let go of my own need to react to threats, my own fears of being challenged/perceptions of external threats and the need to protect myself from them, then I let go of fear itself. It I believe, as unbelievable as it sounds as I am writing this blog myself, is the way to be fearless and give fearlessness.

 

It's a hard path to walk. For in it lies, I feel, letting go of what we cherish the most "myself". But as I felt these things arise in my mind, I was amazed. It sounds simple enough but so hard to do.

 

 

Fear

It's been a while since I have blogged. That's because I didn't feel I had a coherent thought process that I could write down. But today after a long while I felt a sense of excitement, a sense of "Oh I see". So, here I am.

I have always been curious about my anger and anger related issues. They have caused me and those who are around me pain and difficulties. They have caused me great sense of insecurity as well over the years. I have tried to find ways of over coming my anger. In many ways I have found ways of not necessarily over come all of them but being able to face them and staying with them without having to be moved and swayed by the power of it for most part.

I have also tried to investigate why I get so angry. Over the years I had come up with many a reasons. But today I realised something that I probably have recognized in me for a while but as a separate entity, a separate emotion altogether but not something that causes my anger to rise. That is fear.

I felt that it is fear that causes my anger more than any other reason at this point of time. It is also the cause of other negative emotions such as sadness, grief, envy, jealously and probably many more that I cannot put the names of. I never felt more certain about this than I feel right now. What is it about fear that causes all the above negative emotions?

If I take anger, I get angry when I feel fearful that I am about to lose something that is important to me, when I cannot have something the way I want in order to keep things at peace, I feel I might go out of control and that makes me angry, I get angry when I encounter people who I cannot predict because I fear that they will topsy turvey my life, I feel angry when people don't behave in an ethical manner because I am fearful of such people..period: I feel sad when I am not given importance because I feel fearful that my place is diminished and that I become a nobody: I feel jealous when I feel fearful that others might have more than I would, or become more than I am and that would somehow diminish my importance....and many many other reasons....but at the bottom of all of it is a some kind of a fear.

So I realised that instead battling with my anger that I need to focus on letting go of my fears.

What are these fears? I have to start investigating them. They look so real when I encounter a situation. But all those times that I have felt fearful and that I have overcome them, the most common thing that I have come to realise is that fear is mostly a creation of my mind. It almost seems blown out of proportion. Those times that I have been able to face it and whither it through, it's basically passed by without creating drama. But the turmoil in the mind before and the push to do something is immense and almost to a point of driving myself crazy that this feeling of needing to follow it and reacting to it what aggravates situations more than the situation itself.

So what does that mean? Why is fear present even when there is that notion, inkling in the mind that it's a creation? Is it out of necessity? Is it out of self-protection? If I let it go, do I let go of my own self-protection? Does that and will that put myself in harms way? I don't know.

If I go what has happened in the past, every time I have "bite the bullet" it's not really hurt me. In fact I have felt a sense of relief that I didn't give in to it. When I give in to it and start riding the wave of fear, I get even more fearful and almost put myself in knots. But the greatest compulsion is to do something rather than to wait. Waiting and being patient is so very hard. Not doing and letting things run it's own course I find makes me really nervous sometimes. To hold my tongue is hard than to say what I think or to lash out. I am baffled....but it happens over and over. Though I literally feel myself biting my tongue and giving myself the time and the space it's almost like I have to put enormous effort towards this. It doesn't come easily.

So fear, its gripping and it's something I have to overcome. Perhaps if I work on fear and areas of fear then all other areas will gradually give up it's hold on me. Well I have to try.

Views and Opinions

Recently I was talking with my husband about some of the people that I have come to know through work. Well basically I was complaining that people seem so obsessed with themselves and what they know that they don't time or don't care about the fact that when they talk with another person, that a conversation is a two way thing. It's almost as if you want to be heard you need to jump in at whatever little opportunity you get otherwise people seem to be waiting to tell their story. Of course that means little listening is going on.

It really bothered me. So, I was telling this to my husband and he said that that was the way things are for the most part. I was wondering why and we of course thrashed ideas back and forth. Then I sank in my own contemplation for a while when my husband said, "well you don't even know that after a conversation that other people have created work for you". Meaning the fact that I was bothered and a bit angered about whole situation. I was wondering how do people create work me without my even knowing.

Then I realised how. It's because of my own view and opinions. I have views about how people should be, and should not be, or how they should talk and should not talk and millions such things. When people act differently to them, I am flustered. If they lived perfectly according to my views and opinions of course I will not be bothered or angered would I? Well that means there is a greater chance that I would get bothered by what people say.

So what should I do? Should I get rid of my views and opinions? Ideally. But that comes hard. It took me years to change my views on some of the things that happen in a marriage (I mean positive things). And this was a case where I could talk with someone and the other person also was willing to change. But the world is not going to be so open minded and welcoming. So I will always have to be at the receiving end. Then what should I do? I hold my views and opinions as important. Of course they are  important. If I didn't have them and that would be as if I lived as nothing and nobody and no principles. So where is that balance?

Perhaps I should have views and opinions but not let that define me or hold them so protectively. Less attachment. If that were the case then I could move with differing views and opinions with much more ease. Almost like invisible lines. You can cross them as and when you please. Is that OK? If you do that what would happen to me? I becomes such a wishy washy person? What about things like honesty and integrity?

Still I am a bit confused? Perhaps I live leave it open for me to come back. Not hold an opinion for  now. Go with the flow of my own changing views and see where it would take me in the future.

You can only give what you have

Last week when I was talking to my mother, I said to her that if one loves oneself in that one is protected and by that alone one protects the other. I was fascinated with what I said because I had not consciously thought of it that way. I probably would have had some kind of an inkling but never was it so out there for me like it was when I said it out loud to her.

So I contemplated on it a bit more. How was that possible? Was it real? Could it actually happen? I mean I practice loving kindness regularly. So, in my contemplation this is what I found.

When I love myself, I am complete. I am not talking about the kind of love that the world typically talks about. The word love is used so loosely that we think, our need for another is love. Actually it's not. Real love, is one that transcends our needs. It's the kind that gives without asking. It took me a long while to understand that. Once understood, to come to terms with the fact that my love was the needy kind of one was another matter. Now that I have come to understand that, to turn it around is another thing. To learn that it might become a life long process, is another tough learning. These things take time and it's incredibly tough to unlearn something that is soo deeply rooted. One cannot uproot it in one go, hence it destroys the essence of the very being itself. But one cannot live with it because it's like a slow growing cancer. So one must work on.

So in that process, I have learnt that love is not a needy thing. It can and should exist on it's own when properly developed. That love is the love you carry in you. It enables you to stand on your own. You don't need anyone else, approval or lack of it won't crumble you to pieces or put you back together again. That doesn't mean you are like a rock either. It means you are very malleable. Like clay, playdo. You are soft to the very core, you are able to feel to the very essence of everything there is but you are never crushed. Because your love holds you up like a raft floating on water. It's a beautiful thing.

When your own love towards yourself it this strong, you don't sink. No matter what the currents are you will bob up and down but you will come back up again. You begin to understand that you will come back up again even if you go under for a while. This is your protection. So you don't become dependent upon outside things and others be it material things or humans or any other thing. The less you become dependent the more stronger your raft becomes. And less you will go under.

How does this becomes someone else's protection? Well, most people cannot even handle themselves let along protect others. We think we can but we are not equipped for it.

Think about it. When we cannot find love in ourselves, we will be constantly looking for assurances outside. If don't get it from the sources we look for, we get upset, annoyed, disappointed...and all the emotions associated with it. Here we are left in the open ocean without a steady raft. Our raft has holes. We are going to drown in our emotions. When we get upset we take communicate that to others. May not be verbally..sometimes we do but other times we do it indirectly. We become aloof, we may resort to crying, depression, coldness, resentment, bitching and many other negative things rarely positive I can assure you, unless you have love.

So, when these emotions are perceived and felt by others there is conflict. It leads to many issues. So in essence you have hurt yourself and hurt the others as well. So neither is protected because you simply cannot even protect yourself. Those who think they can hide their emotions so well, are simply lying to themselves because it's only matter of time before the volcano erupts and everybody gets drowned in the burning lava.

But when there is love in ones heart, then first of all, you can stay without getting depressed. Even if people annoy you, bother you or do whatever that you don't like, you have plenty of love within you that will uphold you. Even if you may go down for a while like the raft, you will come back up again. When you do this a few times, you know it's only a matter of time. So a kind of comfort dawns in your heart. This allows you not to react to out side things. If people are rude to you, mad at you, shout at you, you realize that you don't have to. Because you don't need them to make you feel better. You have your own internal source of comfort which allows you to dig in.

So, people are not going to get usual reactions from you. you don't becomes a person who adds fuel to the fire in the least. This is the protection that you provide to others. You may not give intentional loving-kindness but in not reacting you create a space for silence to exist. In that there is time for others to clam down, if that could happen. Even if not, you have given yourself the space to enjoy a warm embrace of love that you have within your own self.

Isn't that a marvellous thing. In this world, where we are in constant search of things, outside, we don't have to run around like chicken with their heads cut off instead we can just be here with out own selves and be comforted in the presence of our own sense of well-being. I feel this is highest gift one can give oneself. In that you can give so much so the world.

The need to control

I am sitting in office and I feel knots in my stomach because I feel things are not moving according to the way I like them to. They are not that significant, I mean things could have been worse and more important things in my life could be beyond my control right now. But I am watching myself get tangled up in trivial things. At least the so called 'trivial' things. I guess they are no longer trivial, if they can unravel me this way. I am amazed at it.

Where does my need to control come from? Why are things that I once deemed unimportant create these knots in my stomach? If they are not important then should I not feel calm and a sense of 'it should not matter which way it turns". But I don't feel that way. Of course I did feel that way once but not now. So, somewhere, it has become significant, and has started giving a sense of 'me' and 'mine'. How does this happen? How did it come to this point without my noticing it?

Do things start to give a sense 'me' and 'mine', start giving a sense of 'importance' in ones life and in ones existence with pass of time, with lenth of association?! I am questioning right now. If so, how and what must I do or how should I approach things so that I don't get entnagled in them with or without my knowing.

I guess this is the same way a baby grows from an infant, in to a child and then an adult. They are not born with a sense of self, but as they grow, with time and with interaction within and without and investment, they begin to develop a sense of self and then it gets harder to separate the body from the process of mind. Mind and matter becomes one and the same or at least they are perceived and felt as one and cherished as one. So, letting go becomes harder. Fear, shame, uncertainty on the one hand and joy, pride, ego on the other hand grow without having to work on them.

I guess with most other things it's the same. What I feel right now for the things that I feel, is a process that has unfolded for a while. Without my knowing, it's created a root, a place of resting. This is crazy. Isn't this what I work towards to stop and now I find that the rust has gathered without even having to work at it. I am in shock. I know I shouldn't be. But I clearly feel it. I have been feeling and groping at it but unable to see it or understand it. But now I know it, I am in some way feel a relief but also a sense of shame. Shame, that I have missed the ball. Shame that I let my practice falter. Shame that I have taken the eye off the goal.

What do I do? How do I change this? I guess the realisation is a big one. But I cannot take refuge in it only. I must do more to make sure that I don't rest and nest like the way I do from now on. It's hard not to. I find that it's the most natural thing to do. To nest and rest. It feel good and comfortable. But only for a while. Like until now I felt the comfort of that resting and nesting and now the discomfort comes rearing it's head up. It's bound to happen. That's the truth.

And I bet I will find something else to rest again. Or I am sure I already have found something to rest and nest. I will only know that when I feel the pinch of it. Not to rest is to not to take comfort in things around me. If I am to do that I only can find comfort in my practice and that means I have to put more time and dedication, determination into my practice. It's a hard one. Taking rest in what is seemingly easy and lies outside and can be seen is easy. That's what I do and what I have done and will do, unless I continously see the pattern which I just realised.

It also makes one becomes ones own support. It's that what the Buddha said. But in some way it feels kinda lonley. But it's that what I feel right now. I mean it's not even gotten to that point but I am beggining to feel the signs of it. That's what it comes down to. You are your own support no matter what. Until you have become capable ot supporting your own self, you will always be at the mercy of other and circumstances. How could I have lost sight of such a glaring truth? I have lost my strength and my own support. I have in some ways allowed things to fall around me, by allowing myself to nest and rest. Instead I must continue to work and move on no matter what.

This is the purpose of my life. Towards me and others.

Hatred is never appeased by hatred!

I just happen to see the news that Gadafi, the former leader of Lybia has been killed. As I read through the news report on MSN, there were many quotes of celebration and happiness of taking down a brutal man who killed many and hurt many more. I do not disagree with the atrocities that he committed. But as I see the jubiliant quotes and words of happiness of those who hear that he finally died and those who came to see his dead body being paraded through the streets of Lybia, in my opinion, are no better or worse than Gadafi himself. They may have wanted the head of one or three men. But they still wanted someone dead.

I am unsure how cruelty of any kind justifies anyones behaviour no matter what has been committed against one. Because the moment, you take a weapon to take out the person who is holding the weapon you become the other person. No matter whether you call is freedom fighting, justice, call from 'God', self protection, you become the other person, even for a moment.

Let's tone down the situation. Let's take a normal household conflict with a close person; a work situation with a colleague, a school situation with a friend. If someone hurt us with an unkind word or action, what do we do? Are we going to retaliate? Are we going to show the other person what we are made out of? How much gas we have in our tank to take the battle? And then what? We may be fighting Gadafis' in our day to day life in many ways than we see or we wish to see. The fights may not be that cruel, deadly and vicious be they set in motion the similar emotions, anger, frustration, a need to take revenge, perhaps envy, greed for what the other person has and what we would like to have, hate, a need to establish our sense of self. Whatever the case maybe, we enagage in lesser or larger conflicts on a day to day basis in the same fashion and we want to 'WIN' and we want the other person to 'LOSE'. If that loss has public display the better it is.

Does that ever put an end to things? Is Gadafi's death going to bring the much needed peace and happiness to the people of Lybia? I hope so. But I don't believe that it's going the come as quickly and with the ease that they hoped it to. It will take year and perhaps even generation and perhaps there will be more people dead before that comes about.

So, the point is when we wish ill-will and harm on those who harm us, that inherently tends to corrupt us in return. It's like getting into a pile of shit, to squash a bunch of maggots. You are going to stink and probably get sick. That inherent corruption lies in you. It's like a parasite from the pile of shit getting into your skin and then infesting you with a disease. We get infested with anger, hatred and all the negative things we tried to crush in the first place. Then that's what gets spurted out from us as long as we live. People get mentally and physically sick and do weird things because they have been bitten by the parasites called anger, hatred, envy etc and they display symptoms like depression, mental deterioration, unhappiness, agitation, restlessness and many other.

This is, I believe, why the Buddha said that hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by forgiveness.

Well, all so easy for someone enlightened to say and do but for us so very hard to do. Because we will all want the other person to put down the gun first (just in case). This fear and the need to assert oneself is the greatest enemy for peace and harmony. I struggle with that so very frequently. But on occassions where I have put the gun down, even when the other person is holding it in my face (metaphorically speaking of course) there I have found harmony. Even is external harmony is difficult to reach, I know for sure I reach immediate internal harmony.

But even with that knowledge I struggle with putting the gun down first. So, I understand why people, want to celebrate the death of someone who has been cruel. I totally get it. I don't blame anyone for wanting it. It's a natural reponse we all have. But ultimately it hurts our own self. That much I know.

So, I hope, that if someone is reading this blog and that if the writings ring true for them, as hard as it might be, they would take the courage to be the one the put the gun down first. Perhaps the other person might fire or they might not. Perhaps there will be external peace and harmony. But gurantee there will be peace within you even if that is your last moment to live.